Wednesday, January 30, 2013

This Dude Named Dale At Work. Twizzler Ritual. Tastykake Pie Packaging.

A letter to this dude at work and his Twizzler eating ritual. His name is - get this - DALE.

Dale,

On behalf of everyone your Twizzler eating ritual has to stop. It's bad enough that you walk around with a coffee stirrer hanging out of your mouth trying to look like a badass but the Twizzler thing must stop.And by the way stop walking around with your chest out like you're a muscle guy. You're a fat guy. And on that note do you know that your protruding belly button can be seen through TWO shirts?? TWO!! Like a pregnant lady!

OK back to the Twizzlers. Here's what you do. You get one Twizzler then you dangle it in your mouth for about a minute. Then you chomp it in the way a horse would and chew a bit then chomp some more in. If you saw yourself on film you might stop. But I doubt it. Kids do this!

And on other food related news do you really have to bring a full Thanksgiving sized meal into lunch everyday? Keeping the fridge loaded up with all of your TV dinners and microwaveable meals? Then you make a production out of the meal. Pulling out bags of salad, salad dressing, baggies of cheese, side dishes in tupperware, applesauce and snack pack puddings, spices, tastykakes for dessert... ENOUGH!

And the way you eat? I'm happy  - and surprised actually - that you keep your mouth shut but what the hell is going on with your lips when you chew? You look like a camel! LOOK IN THE MIRROR! It's gross! And you examine the food. Then every bite you take in slowly. I can tell you're enjoying it. Savoring.

You're obsessed with food.. Every time somebody is pulling their lunch out of the fridge you curiously look over. Extending your neck. The mice running on the wheel in your pee brain running as hard as they can trying to figure out what they're about to eat. Like a dog. It's killing you that you don't know so you then casually say, "Eh? ...So whatcha got there?" Also weird and creepy. Then you make a comment about the food and tell the person what you're preparing. Nobody cares Dale.

And finally, remember when I was eating a Tastykake cherry pie and you gave a five minute dissertation about how the new packaging for the pies is a rip off because "the pie packaging is heavier but the total weight of the product is the same so we're getting ripped off?" and it was probably "some big wigs*" idea?

Did you notice how I wasn't paying attention? Well take a hint.


*Who says "big wig?"

13 comments:

Dr Zibbs said...

I want to take a picture of his belly button for you all to see.

KendallJaye said...

Totally. Disturbing.

Dr Zibbs said...

Kendall - You should see it in person.

TC said...

Hey...did you take over my old job? Because this sounds veeeeery familiar... ;)

Dr Zibbs said...

TC - Ha. Nope. But I've met many types like this.

Dr Zibbs said...

...I mean many people of this type.

Just Keepin It Real, Folks! said...

Dale has an outie huh? Over eaters anonymous is just one phone call away.

Dr Zibbs said...

Jkirf - yeah. Imagine 7 or 8 quarters stacked then taped to the belly button. That's how far out it comes.

Chris said...

Dale has a belly nipple? He should get it pierced with a Twizzler.

Vapid Vixen said...

I have never heard of these tastykakes of which you speak, but I'd very much like to try one.
Big Wig package rip off and all.

Dr Zibbs said...

Vv its a northeastern thing. Baked in Philly.

Paticus said...

I say "big wig", but only because I happen to have several wigs of varying sizes, and I prefer the succinct, rhyming of "big wig" to the much less interesting and overly long "largest of my many wigs".

Dr Zibbs said...

Paticus - HAHAHA!!!!