How To Read My Amazing Blog The Correct Way

I must take a quick second to thank my most favorite blogger, Falwless at Lots Better Than Your Blog. She wrote a post today about one of MY brilliant posts. Here's a clip of what she wrote:

So I'm at his blog on Monday and I'm looking back through the days-old entries and I reread the one with the YouTube of the Swedish lady licking the ice cream cone. And I get to the sentence "Some stupider and uglier people would have have tossed the whole cone into the trash can and left it for the yellow jackets." And as I get to the yellow jackets part, I realize that it is a link -- a link I had not noticed before. So I click it. And it opens this

She is a smart one that Falwless. But many of you readers aren't as bright, talented and in love with me as this lass. So I'd like to give you a few tips on how to maximize your reading pleasure at my award winning blog because it's not something that you just pick up and start reading.

Here are some tips:

1) Announce that you're going to read it to whomever is around you. If they don't hear you, you're not talking loud enough. Fashion a bullhorn out of a coned piece of paper. Speaking into the small side will somehow magically make your sound come out louder. (Don't worry, the loud sound will come out of the large side - so it can't hurt you).

2) Once some listeners crowd around, ask them to sit cross legged on the floor and tell them to pretend they're about to hear an old time radio broadcast. Make an old time arched radio out of cardboard and tape it to the back of your laptop to really give them a great effect. Think the Waltons. If one smart ass says something like, "Good night Mary Ellen", have this person removed immediately! Don't even let someone go disrepectin' this blog!

3) When you see words that are a different color, click on the word. This is a "link" and a crazy treat might pop up. It's like biting into a piece of hard candy and you break a tooth. You didn't expect your tooth to break but now you'll get some valuable tooth fairy money.

4) Change your voice at the parts where someone is talking. (Unless you're the man of a thousand voices like me, stick to the easy voices: John Wayne, gay guy or Jewish person - you know - any of the Robin Williams voices).

5) Once you get to the end, click on the "comments". This is an area that other readers - like you - can leave funny comments or praise for me. Are these commenters paid writers ? Nope. In fact, most are real people.

6) If you have something funny to say (or praise for me) consider leaving a comment. Don't just write anything. Do what all the commenters do which is brainstorm some ideas, then try the ideas out on a friend, a policeman or a member of the clergy. If the person is honest, they'll tell you if the comment is going to "work". If you do write something stupid and ruin the tone and tempo of this this blog, you will regret it. So make sure it's a comment worth reading.

7) And most of all, have fun and be safe. Now let's go do some That Blue Yak reading.

Retard and Slavic Button - The Greatest Gift of All

Could you imagine if you had Nana Zibbs, mixed in her native language then added a dash of a costumed retard - all in the name of promoting my blog? Just like the story of Jesus rising from the ashes - another magical day has arrived.

When I told readers of this blog that they had to help me promote my blog, I didn't even threaten them by implying that I might start charging a subscription fee to read my blog. They took the order at face value and got to work. To see the glorious miracle visit Lots Better Then Your Blog and Everything I like Causes Cancer.

Thank you Falwless and Gwen. If I was indeed magical, I would jump on my magical steed and gallop to pick you both up. I'd walk into your factory jobs and carry you out like on Officer and a Gentleman . I'd then rent out a middle school gym for a ceremony and personally give you ribbons that said, "Best That Blue Yak Promotion Using a Retarded Person and a Slavic Language". Then I'd make you both feel special by throwing a bunch of rose petals on you and rub girly lotions on you (including "sensitive areas"). Next, I'd give you each a very expensive gift basket and then take you to a classy area restaurant - and let you order anything on the menu.

Now I just have to figure out how to get it on my site.

Happy Birthday Falwless - McGone, I'll See You In Court

I'm not going to let the fact that McGone from the International House of Blogcakes stole my masterpiece of Falwless then retraced it somehow - turning a masterpiece into a cartoon freak show. That's not my style. And the fact he tried to create a diversion by pulling Jon from Extraneous Kickassery into it is a whole other story. Don't you know that Jon's busy telling people he's not going to be blogging anymore? Like the one dude on Fat Albert would say, "You're ba like a teacher in the Summer - No-ba Class-Ba".

As usual, I'm going to take the high road and walk in the same way my savior Jesus did. Perhaps looking UP to gain further guidance. Did you get that clue? OK, for those dummies that didn't figure out that riddle, I've talked to a few people at the Vatican and...get ready..here it comes....THIS PICTURE OF FALWLESS WILL BE TAPED TO THE CEILING OF THE SISTINE CHAPEL FROM 2:00 - 2:15 (eastern time)!!!!!

I'm not promising anything more but if you tune into CNN or Fox today you may see a bit of coverage.

Anyways, Happy B-Day Falwless.

Falwless Blog Post Plans About Cat Discovered By That Blue Yak Spy

OK. First let me say that this post has nothing to do with Falwless's disrespectin' me in comments about my rather lame Andy Dick post. It's more of a concern that her blog Lots Better Than Your Blog is going to turn into a blog all about her cat. I think her name is Blue something. Just to make sure, I had one of my company private dicks make a visit to the dumbster outside of her trailer park last night and what he found was amazing. It's a God Damn brainstorming list of things to post about Blue the cat (see undoctored photo above). Here are a few random freestyle scribblings that were found in her notebook (there were 4 friggin' volumes):

- Something about he's magical like a unicorn, fluffy, love.
- Don't forget when she was peaking out of couch!!
- Hypnotizes dogs and babies with her cuteness.
- Put a crazy hat on her and take pictures.
- Ask vet to test her to see if she is indeed the smartest cat (don't forget to tell him about when I told her to get off tv, then she looked at me, then she got off tv).
- Ask bloggers that are good at photoshop if they can photoshop her into the "Hang on till Friday" poster.
- Something about "pussy" but make it funny, not dirty, but will make reader think. (sidenote: get bikini wax before going to the shore).
- Have contest asking for cutest caption but give McGone the real winner: "Precious Wishes are made of love, rainbows and the love of Blue" (which is the real winner).
- Throw out idea of people buying strands of Blue's hair. If anyone bites, do an A - B price test to see how much I can get. Invest money into aggressive fund so I can buy a tiara made of real diamonds for Blue.
- Get a kitten puppet and start rehearsing that song Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy with Blue and puppet dressed up like army ladies but change Lyrics to Boogie Blue-ey Bugle Cat.
- Start posting threats on other kitten blogs so I become the only kitten blog.
- Look at lease to see if I'm allowed to get 11 more cats. One for each astrological sign.
- Write Blue's name in different fonts (use kitten paws for some of the letters as long as you can understand that it still says Blue)

That's just page one because I'm getting tired of writing. The bottom line is that I'm asking everyone to please go to her blog and knock some sense into her. And of course, feel free to leave comments about what else you think may have been listed in these notebooks.