Friday, November 14, 2008

Dear Dr Zibbs - Advice For My Readers

So a few days ago I told readers I would use my brain to help them with their problems. And can I just tell you that I was overwhelmed by the response? Carl in the mailroom could barely keep up. So I'll do a few posts over the next several days and answer some of the inquiries. Here we go.

Dear Dr Zibbs,
If I were to marry a US citizen purely based on green card purposes, do you think I should marry a straight or gay man? old? young? fat? dwarf? handicapped?
What pros and cons do you think it could bring me. Should I pay to marry them or they pay to marry me?...such a dilemma as you can clearly understand.

Thank you very much dear dr.zibbs

The tambourine queen

enclosed is a picture taken today by me of a very famous Thai models cleavage.
NO, it is not me...I only wish I could have her milk buckets. It is Thailands nicest pair of breasts



Tambourine Queen,

Sometimes I like to find the answers within the questions, which is why I printed your email out, ripped it up and flung the pieces across my parlour. The following is what randomly landed in front of me: "old fat handicapped dwarf." Don't be fooled though. Although the dwarf head is three times the size of a human head, their brains are often the size of a peas. I'm not saying they're not smart, I just wanted to point out that their brains were the size of peas.

As for the payment, a few pairs of nicely made Italian leather shoes should cover things. Just make sure that the tips are curled and that there are clearly defined ridges that make up stripes on the shoes because the first thing a dwarf does when he gets new shoes is paint them bright red or green. And the ridges just make the painting go a bit easier. Come to think of it, get the shoes at Payless. They're going to be destroyed anyway.

Dear Dr Zibbs,
Geno's or Pat's steaks. Wit or Wit-out? Sharp or mild?


Philly #1

Philly #1,
You are of course referring to the famous cheese steak houses of Philadelphia. And my answer is, I alternate between Pat's and Geno's and I always get onions wit (with cheese wiz). For some reason, these are the only two places I get cheese whiz on my steaks. I guess I'm a traditionalist. As for my sitting area, I like to lean up against the concrete wall right next to Geno's.

Dear Dr. Zibbs,
I am in the market for a new plunger. I literally go through about two of these a week. I suffer from a rare digestive disorder that necessitates using one 10-12 times a day on average. I'm wondering if you can make any recommendations. Is there a brand-name you prefer? What should I be looking for. I really want the next one I buy to be the last. The people at the hardware store are starting to look at me funny.

Sincerely,
Clogged in Cleveland (Some Guy)

ps: To expedite your response I have included a picture of my girlfriend per your request. She is a fox if I do say so myself!


Dear Clogged In Cleveland,
The ageless toilet plunger question. Times may change but our basic problems don't. Do they? The problem my friend is not the plunger. It's not even your crappy diet. Take a good, hard look in the mirror at yourself. Keep looking. You found the answer haven't you? Yup. It's your grip on the handle. Use the "western grip" which uses the strength of your thumb on the handle which naturally pivots the plunger with the force of gravity as you plunge. And if you really practice, you can do it one handed - which is nice. It frees up the other hand for eating a sandwich, tapping on the window sill or flicking things.

And the picture you enclosed? That was Phoebe Cates. Nice try.

37 comments:

Falwless said...

You said this series might be life-changing but I doubted you.

That'll teach me.

Dr Zibbs said...

Get to bed you freak.

Falwless said...

You first you homo.

Dr Zibbs said...

Falwless, I just got back from dart nihgt. Nobody's listening are they?

Dr Zibbs said...

Hello? Falwless? Are you mad because I called dart night dart "nihgt"? That's what we call it. Seriously. It's a trubute to a guy named Bob Nihgt.

Dr Zibbs said...

And by "Trubute", that's a term in South Eastern PA, It means tribute. I know it's hard to follow but..OK. I have to go to bed now.

words words words said...

Anyone with taste buds knows that the answer to the eternal "Pat's vs. Geno's" question is "neither". Never has so much war been waged over so little. Both are mediocre at best and resting on their laurels. Interested parties should make haste to Tony Luke's, John's Roast Pork, or, if you happen to be in South Jersey where I grew up, Big John's.

Dr Zibbs said...

WWW - I agree, but for tradition, it's the place to go. And for the record, the best sandwich in Philly is the Pork sandwich at DiNics (Reading Terminal)

Gwen said...

You've outdone yourself. I started to write a list of things I loved but that would be redundant. Take a bow. I can't wait for the rest.

B.E. Earl said...

I had a cheese steak here on LI earlier tonight. It was thoroughly mediocre. Anyway, I read earlier tonight that a joint in Folcroft called Leo's makes the absolute best ones.

Whaddya think? Instead of Geno's vs. Pat's, where is the best cheese steak in your area?

Sass said...

I'm so thankful I pulled my head out of my ass long enough to read this.

I'll go to sleep smiling now.

Thinking of your silliness, er...I mean brilliance.

And teabags.

But that only makes sense to me and Gwen. So I'll stop.

Oh, I'm having a contest starting Monday.

I'm just sayin'.

~E said...

In reference to the one handed western grip...Flicking what exactly??

No, don't answer that. I have a feeling I won't want to know

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I would just like to add to the suggestion that, no matter what plunger Clogged in Cleveland opts for, adding a baseball bat grip to the handle will help immensely. Whilst stomping out a 10-12 timer, as you've pointed out, it's important to make sure your grip never slips.

Dr Zibbs said...

B.E.Earl. Here's where you can find a review of my best local cheese steak: http://thatblueyak.blogspot.com/2008/03/best-cheese-steak-in-chester-county.html

And at the end of that post there is a good link to a cheesesteaks website.

Some Guy said...

Jeez. So much for doctor/patient confidentiality. By the way, this is the picture I sent Dr. Zibbs. Warning. It is not safe for work or children (nudity).

Dr Zibbs said...

Some Guy - Confidentiality. Good one Plunger Man. Also, how does one leave a link in the comments like you did with the picture? I can't seem to figure this one out.

Falwless said...

OK Dr. Z, listen up.

To put a link in the comments start with a left arrow as such: <

Then, add the following: a href="http://www.myurl.com" where instead of "myurl" you put the url to what you're linking to.

Next close it off with a right arrow: >

So we have:
<a href="http://www.myurl.com">

After this, add the words you'd like to show up as the blue underlined link like: LOOK AT THIS!

Finally, close with </a>

So, we have, altogether:

<a href="http://www.myurl.com">LOOK AT THIS!</a>

Which ends up being published as:

LOOK AT THIS!

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Dear Advice Column:

I have a huge dilemma. I need to purchase a pencil today because mine broke. Do I stick with the trusty reliable #2 pencil or jump into the future with the new "Clicker" pencils? If you go with the new "Clicker" pencils another elements comes into play...what size lead do you use?
.5mm, .2mm. Single Pack or 12 piece pack?


Pencil-less Jennifer

saratogajean said...

I've found that if you purchase a single pencil, you'll have it forever. If you buy the 12 pack, however, they will disappear in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

NewlywedCentral said...

YAY! PHILLY CHEESE STEAKS... seriously... who knew cheeze wiz could be on a person's wish list :)

Dr Zibbs said...

Thanks Falw - and thanks for explaining it as if I'm a four year old because you know me well enough to know that's the only way I'm going to understand.
Jen and Sand - you obviously didn't read the rules about question submission but since I like you I'll let you slide. And because Saratogajean answered you.

Jennifer and Sandi said...

I hab a Code damnit and can't read rules today. Thanks for letting it slide!!!!

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

- Jennifer

ReformingGeek said...

Dar Dr. Zibbs, I'm suddenly hungry for a steak sandwich and I'm afraid to use the toilet. I'll soon be calling the local doc about a boob job. I guess your advice column really is life-altering.

Chele said...

so is this good enough for craigslist:

are you an
old fat handicapped dwarf?
yellow scandinavian with excellent cooking skills seeking life partner for citizen purposes.
please reply to
asian4u

SkylersDad said...

Dear Zibbs, I laughed, I cried. Never has a piece of blog writing affected my in such a manner.

Please never ever leave us out here...

Dr Zibbs said...

Jen and Sand - I'm going to be saying "I hab a code" all day now.
Chele - Just post the curled shoes and you'll get calls.

Giggle Pixie said...

Dr. Zibbs, you are my hero. I had no idea there was actually a "technique" to unclogging with a plunger.

Now I might actually be able to use that second bathroom again. I thought it was hopelessly clogged, but it was probably just my bad technique! :-)

Philly said...

Tony Lukes has a killer Chicken cutlet sandwich

#1

floyd barber said...

Dr. Zibbs, How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Lifesaver Lollipop?

Fancy Schmancy said...

I've only been to Philly once, and we did the whole tourist thing, followed by a cheese steak sandwich Wit at some place where the line was down the block. It was disgusting, D'Angelo's #9 is better.

B.E. Earl said...

That's the cheese steak site I initially read about Leo's on.

Dr Zibbs said...

B.E.Earl - That's site's pretty good but the best place to find local food is on the boards of Chow.com

GETkristiLOVE said...

I expect the one-handed plunging while flicking things will be Chris' next installment of ways to annoy his girlfriend - either that or how he photoshops her face onto Phoebe Cates' body.

Sausage Mechanic said...

I live in St Louis. We wouldn't know a cheese steak if you laced it with fishhooks and slapped it across our...er...well, private regions. Now toasted ravioli...yer talkin' delicacy!

sista #2 said...

Seriously.......Pat's or Geno's?

Are ya kidding me?

Tony Lukes has it all over them!!!

What I would do for A Chicken Cutlet parm/light sauce right about now.

peace
#2

Chris said...

Eating while plunging...that's a time saver!

ed said...

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