So a few days ago I told readers I would use my brain to help them with their problems. And can I just tell you that I was overwhelmed by the response? Carl in the mailroom could barely keep up. So I'll do a few posts over the next several days and answer some of the inquiries. Here we go.
Dear Dr Zibbs,
If I were to marry a US citizen purely based on green card purposes, do you think I should marry a straight or gay man? old? young? fat? dwarf? handicapped?
What pros and cons do you think it could bring me. Should I pay to marry them or they pay to marry me?...such a dilemma as you can clearly understand.
Thank you very much dear dr.zibbs
The tambourine queen
enclosed is a picture taken today by me of a very famous Thai models cleavage.
NO, it is not me...I only wish I could have her milk buckets. It is Thailands nicest pair of breasts
Sometimes I like to find the answers within the questions, which is why I printed your email out, ripped it up and flung the pieces across my parlour. The following is what randomly landed in front of me: "old fat handicapped dwarf." Don't be fooled though. Although the dwarf head is three times the size of a human head, their brains are often the size of a peas. I'm not saying they're not smart, I just wanted to point out that their brains were the size of peas.
As for the payment, a few pairs of nicely made Italian leather shoes should cover things. Just make sure that the tips are curled and that there are clearly defined ridges that make up stripes on the shoes because the first thing a dwarf does when he gets new shoes is paint them bright red or green. And the ridges just make the painting go a bit easier. Come to think of it, get the shoes at Payless. They're going to be destroyed anyway.
Dear Dr Zibbs,
Geno's or Pat's steaks. Wit or Wit-out? Sharp or mild?
You are of course referring to the famous cheese steak houses of Philadelphia. And my answer is, I alternate between Pat's and Geno's and I always get onions wit (with cheese wiz). For some reason, these are the only two places I get cheese whiz on my steaks. I guess I'm a traditionalist. As for my sitting area, I like to lean up against the concrete wall right next to Geno's.
Dear Dr. Zibbs,
I am in the market for a new plunger. I literally go through about two of these a week. I suffer from a rare digestive disorder that necessitates using one 10-12 times a day on average. I'm wondering if you can make any recommendations. Is there a brand-name you prefer? What should I be looking for. I really want the next one I buy to be the last. The people at the hardware store are starting to look at me funny.
Clogged in Cleveland (Some Guy)
ps: To expedite your response I have included a picture of my girlfriend per your request. She is a fox if I do say so myself!
Dear Clogged In Cleveland,
The ageless toilet plunger question. Times may change but our basic problems don't. Do they? The problem my friend is not the plunger. It's not even your crappy diet. Take a good, hard look in the mirror at yourself. Keep looking. You found the answer haven't you? Yup. It's your grip on the handle. Use the "western grip" which uses the strength of your thumb on the handle which naturally pivots the plunger with the force of gravity as you plunge. And if you really practice, you can do it one handed - which is nice. It frees up the other hand for eating a sandwich, tapping on the window sill or flicking things.
And the picture you enclosed? That was Phoebe Cates. Nice try.