Last week I was saying to my lady, "Sophisticated MOMMA!"
And she had no idea what I was talking about. "You don't know that line from the Kool and the Gang song 'Ladies Night?'"
"Nope." She said.
Say whuuuuuuuuuu?? She's younger than me but not THAT much younger. Well here it is. He says "Sophisticated Momma" at 1:53. Something about trying to impress a woman by calling her a sophisticated momma always struck me as funny. But my man JT Taylor (lead singer) is one smooth dude so I bet he could pull it off. And I could too. I would probably do that move like I tilt my head a bit and I look a bit confused. Then I give the lady the old elevator eyes and says,
"Baby I tell you one thing. You are one sophisticated momma. God dyaaaaaaaamn!"
And speaking of sophisticated Momma's*.......What's Happeniiiiiiiiiiin'???........
OK I've got nothing today so here are some photos you might like:
I may be dating myself but remember when the telegraph first came out?
Wait I'm not THAT old!
I was going to say remember when Mr Microphone came out. I do remember using it for the first time and thinking it was pretty amazing. "You talk into the microphone and your voice comes out of the radio!!*"
Below is the cheesy commercial. Everyone would use the line "Hey good lookin' we'll be back to pick you up later!" But my favorite part is the brother doing his jive ass dance alone down the street.
I would KILL to be driving down the road and see that dude! If I had my Mr Microphone I'd be all, "Hey Jive Turkey what you doin' all dancing down the road like a damn fool??" Then when he got closer I would burn rubber in my 1979 Pinto. Hitting him with gravel. Looking in the rearview mirror as he shook his fist and vowed revenge.
Yeah OK Jive Turkey. You gotta catch my cracker ass first!!
*My amazement is similar to the guy in the beginning in the background at the Christmas party when he turns around and hand gestures like "Hey! Look at these guys! They got a microphone!"
Here's a song that I listen to on my Ipod. Ike and Tina doing Proud Mary.
And check out the booty shake at 3:46. God Dyaaaaaaaaammm!!!!! Those girls know how to shake some ass holmes!!
How. The. Hell....did I never hear of this movie?? Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the trailer for Black Mama, White Mama.
Here's a crazy thing that I was once asked that I still can't figure out.
I guess I was about 23 and at my older sister's for Easter. They had our family over, then after we ate some of the neighbors from the complex came in for drinks.
So I'm standing on their small patio with a few people just sipping my drink and chatting.
Then one of the neighbor's kids - a little black boy about 5 - made his way toward me, stood there for a minute, looked up at me and asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?"
I just stood there like, "WTF?"
"Uh...I'm a boy."
He just said, "Oh OK." Then turned and walked inside.
Everyone just cracked up. I have no idea why he thought this. I was wearing a suit for God's sake. I don't have a high voice. No idea other than my younger sister and I kind of look the same and maybe he saw her inside and got confused. Or maybe he thinks all crackers look the same.
Or maybe he was just a dumb kid. I don't know.
Editor's Note: I was asked the identical question when I was 5. But back then I had huge curls. Oh yeah. And I kind of looked like a girl.
Man is this song F U by Cee Lo Green catchy. And it's a great video too. Does anyone else love it?
Go ahead. Watch it and let me know what you think.
You'll be pushing in crowds
I hope there's not a fight
You should be staying at home
*claps had* with Kid DY-NO-MITE!
*live, studio audience roars into laughter*
I was at the Wawa earlier and an Asian guy walked over to the lady in the car next to me and started going off on her. Just yelling like crazy. I think she may have cut him off and then she gave him the finger. It was hard to hear even though I turned my radio down and tried to listen.
And he really started yelling loud. It was to the point that I wouldn't have been surprised if he tried to grab her. But then he just walked away.
So I tweeted that I was going to get involved but I wasn't sure if he knew karate or not. (of course I was kidding because I was about to step in). Is that offensive to Asians? One of my Asian followers said no. I don't THINK it is. I guess because it's complimentary. Like assuming a black dude has a big one or a gay guy knows how to pick out window treatments.
What do I know? I'm just writing this stuff as a joke anyway. But I wonder what people think about these things. I'm sure it's mixed.
And on a related note, here's a really funny video from my friend Ed McGonigal* doing a bit about how the Irish take no offense to their stereotype about drinking. Check it out. It's the first joke in the video.
*Ed was my main man when I did stand-up back in the day in Philly. And for the record, I used to always call him "Crazy Legs" McGonigal. For no other reason that I thought it would be funny/stupid if when he went up onstage he said, "Crazy Legs McGonigal coming at you" - and did that thing where you hold your front knees then shake them around (like the flappers used to do). So after about a year of begging him to do it he finally did. And he's like, "There, you happy Zibbs?" And I was.
Last night I was watching unfunnyman George Lopez. He's seriously got to be the biggest comedy hack out there.
And don't tell me that you have to be Latina to understand the jokes. He's terrible. It's like his monologue was written by 7th graders.
So last night he showed a tweet that Scott Baio wrote. It was this picture of Michelle Obama:
The actual tweet was, "WOW. He wakes up to this every morning?"
He then goes on to say how Scott Baio is a racist (using unfunny "jokes")
How the hell is what he said racist? Sure, you might say it's mean but it's a picture of a woman yelling. She happens to be black.
The scream of racism has gotten so bad in the last few years. If you say anything about Obama.. you hate black people. If you say we need a common language...you hate Mexicans. If I mention I watch American Idol even though I was just flipping the channels that one time....you call me gay. Jesus Christ!
Scott Baio is now getting death threats. Because of this?
I think Scott Baio should sue George Lopez's ass! (as I said to Scott Baio and can be read on the Huffington Post link here - at the bottom of the page)
What do you think*?
*If you're Puerto Rican please email me your comment and I'll add it after I check your spelling. (Naaaa. Naaa. Naaa)
In honor of Black Friday, I give you..my favorite black person:
Gary Coleman. And this is him saying "Wathca Talkin' Bout Willis" in various hilarious ways. After viewing the video, join me below for further discussion.
If they ever make a remake, I'm offering several alternate catch phrases. Read them aloud to capture their full impact:
"Somebody give me a Q-tip because I KNOOOWWW I didn't just hear you say that." (Important note: The Willis character must always have a Q-tip handy - which he hands to Arnold)
"You said..whu...huh...(looks around) MR DRUMMOND!
"Whatcha talkin' bout Maurice?" (In this case, the brother's name HAS to be Maurice or it won't work).
"Oh..OK (turns to walk away then realized that he didn't hear what Willis was saying correctly so he turns around and puts hands on hips) Wait a minute Willis..What was that you said? Would you mind repeating yourself?"
If I think of anymore I'll add them to the comments area. Do you have any ideas? If they're dumb, just keep them to yourself though.
I don't want the comments area cluttered up with nonsense.
Hello racists. Well, I shouldn't say that. Yet. The only racists are the people that don't leave a comment about these snazzy Soul Train dancers movin' it to Gladys Knight.
And I WILL be taking names of the people that don't leave a comment. I will then take the names to the worst part of Philly..uh..I mean the blackest..I'm not trying to say that the blackest is the worst, I'm just trying to say....
....OK. What I'm saying is that I'm bringing the list of non commentors to an area of Philadelphia that has a lot of black people and I'm going to show them the list with YOUR name on it. The list will say, "List of Racists".
I do hope I find an area that the black people are wearing these clothes because I'm going to join in,
(Turns off boom box. Dancing stops) "Excuse me! Black people. I'd like to dance with you. I know I'm white but let me have a go at it. Then when I'm done, I have a list of people that you might want to beat up because they don't like black people. Alright? Everyone stop staring at me and lets get down! And boogie! "
*The blacks see me dance and then I tell them that I'm going to stop at the local Big Brother office and become all of their big brothers. They then carry me off, singing "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow" and we celebrate with a meal. NO, not chicken you racists. ...well, there might be SOME chicken there but....*
So go ahead, leave a comment. Who was your favorite dancer? What clothes do you like?
(and does anyone think that the brother at 1:22 might possibly be gay?)
Do you want to see another TBY post about soul train, click here.
To finish out my unintentional few days of featuring black people on TBY, here's what I found when I just typed "worst commercial" into the YouTube.
What caught my eye? You guessed it. Black people.
It's some black ladies dancing to a commercial for Montgomery Mini Mall.
What the fuck is this???
Whatever it is, I'm sure it's gonna piss off some black people. But I bet if you try to say the lines out loud you'll crack your ass up.
Go ahead - try it. Or better yet, leave your impression on my snapvine recorder located on my sidebar.
Here's a list of my favorite old school Yo Momma So Fat jokes. These jokes are very big in the African American Community so most of you crackers won't get them right away. To help with your understanding I urge you to try to say them like you think a black colored might say them.
I wrote none of them as I ain't a racist like you. (and I'm 1/10th Cherokee. My great-great grandfather was an important chief. So,..you know).
