Brainstorm! Various Things About Driving.

I've been getting lazy keeping up with this here famous blog. So here's a post about various driving things. I'll do it in bullet point form. But I'm only going to take 3 minutes to write it so I'm warning you - it's probably going to be crappy.

Please feel free to ask questions and I will clarify anything you're interested in.

OR maybe elaborate in a post (And name the post after YOU)

- I'm an expert knee driver.
- I wrecked a car when I was 17. A red Pinto. I rolled it on Route 52 in Chester County.
- I use to "do it" all the time in cars. (Do you know what "do it means?) If you don't know, ask your parents.
- One time I filled the oil in my car up to "the top" because I didn't know better.
- Once a deer jumped over the hood of my car at 80 miles per hour.
- One time I was racing a guy on 95 and his hood blew open.
- My biggest regret about accidents that happened and I wasn't there was in high school when my friends came around a corner and hit some kid's car off of a cliff. (Nobody was hurt).
- I eat entire meals in my car while driving. I use an atlas as my tray.
- The cars I've owned are: Renault Lecar, Hyndai Excel, Nissan Sentra, Toyota Camry and Nissan Maxima.

I told you it was a lazy ass post.

Statesboro Blues Almost Makes Man In Exton Do Something With His Bagel.

I was driving to the Exton Dunkin Donuts this morn to get a bagel and some coffees. With a $1 bagle coupon. Suckers.

On the return trip, the Statesboro Blues by the Allman Brothers came on. So I crank it up and start rocking out.

Then I look in the mirror and there's everything bagel and cream cheese all jammin up in my teeth. How the hell are you supposed to eat one of those things anyway without that happening?

So I look over to the car next to me and I totally had this urge to start air guitaring to the lady while making this crazy ass open mouth face with all the everything bagel all over the place. Nodding and pointing to her. Then following her. Our cars reaching dangerous speeds.

Of course I chickened out. I think one of the these days I'll get the courage to do all of these things I imagine. I'm OK with doing those things if I'm with someone else but I chicken out when I'm alone. Maybe I'm a coward.

But maybe you're not a coward. I believe you're a hero. So I'm challenging someone to do that and take a picture of themselves doing it.

Now get to work. I'm only promising to view the first 30 images or videos of the scene that are sent to me.

That is all.

What The Hell?! Some Dude Is Driving Down West Chester Pike On Tire Rim!

So this morning I'm driving down West Chester Pike which is a pretty busy road. I hear this weird scraping. I look in front of me and some dude was driving down the road with no driver side back tire.

He was driving on the metal rim!

So I drive up next to him to take a picture so I can tweet it. Then I honk so I can tell him that he's a dumbass - and he's driving on his rim. But he doesn't look over at me. Then I just start laughing my ass off thinking about what the cop is going to say to him. So I get in front of him and slow down. He actually passes me. I started to follow him but I had to be somewhere but I'm dying to know if he made it do his destination or if he got pulled over.

Has anyone ever seen anything like this? Do you think he knew he was driving on the rim or he was just ignoring my honks? He did look like he was on drugs.

Singing While Driving and Using Ventriloquism. Weird.

When you guys are driving and singing, then you get to a red light but you really want to keep singing - do you ever keep singing but get all ventriloquist by trying to sing without moving your lips?

....but then some some dude sees you so you get your phone and you pretend you're talking to someone but you think the guy is totally on to you so you give him the finger?

....and the finger is not even high enough for him to see but doing this plus hitting the gas as soon as the light turns green somehow gives you some sort of satisfaction?

You all do that right?....Right?.....Hello???

If not I fear that I might be a teensy bit weird.

Sometimes You People Don't Appreciate Your Lives

Many people go about their lives bitching and complaining. They don't think how awful some people have it. A real life nightmare that I lived through happened this morning. I looked out the window and Chester County had a surprise snow storm. When I opened my car door, some of the snow fell on the seat and I actually sat on some of it. It gets worse. I didn't have a scraper so I had to use a rolled up newspaper. Then, to top it all off, the traffic was terrible*. I'm asking that everyone buy a mylar balloon to be released at exactly at noon today. If I look out of my window at 12:01 and see some balloons I may be able to carry on.

*Do you see that cemetery? It's the one on Route 100. You know, the one where I was singing and I may have ruined the fun that mourners were having at that funeral. I wrote about it in this post.

When Public Mooning Goes Wrong

Looking out at the huge moon the other night it got me thinking about actual mooning. We used to do it all of the time in high school. One time in 11th grade we were driving down Boot Road and we saw a bunch of people we knew from Downingtown - a neighboring and inferior high school. I was driving a Toyota Corona station wagon at the time - which is a smallish station wagon. I yell for my friends to get into the back to moon them. We're all laughing hysterically.

So the three of them are lined up against the back window on all fours and they start the moon. I'm looking at them in the rear view and it hits me. The only thing that's going to make this funnier is to do this. By "this" I mean grab the wheel and turn it left and right.

As I do it, the three of them who are already squeezed in pretty close and are kneeling on their jeans begin falling on top of each other. And they're screaming. And I'm laughing. They're literally on top of each other trying frantically to pull their pants up.

Oh that was a good one. Does anyone else have any good mooning stories they want to share?

By the way the photo of the people mooning above is the annual Mooning of Amtrak Trains that happens every July in Laguna Niguel, California. To read more about that event, click here.

West Whiteland Moving Truck Nonsense

Jokes on the road should be illegal*. I snapped this picture in West Whiteland the other day. It's a moving truck with the image of a guy waving, decaled on the back. Do you think that old people ever see this moving truck and this happens:

Edna: Oh my God Ernie, that young man's gonna fall out of that truck!

Ernie: What? Hey he can't do that!

Edna: You better stop at a phone booth to call the 911.

Ernie: (leaning out window) HEY YOU. ENOUGH OF THE HORSE PLAY!

Edna: Don't taunt him. He might have a knife.

Ernie: Knife-smife. That guy is creating a hazard on the road. PULL OVER!

Edna: Oh my God he's stopping.

Ernie: That smart aleck is smiling. What's he smiling at?

Edna: Oh my God he's probably selling something. ERNIE DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!

*One time I was driving down the road and glanced over at a truck and there was a rubber leg hanging out as "a joke". I swear my heart almost stopped.

West Chester Blogger Creates Crappy Memory For Mourners

It could of been because I'm getting myself all worked up for the dance off fight I'm going to be picking this weekend but here's a true event that happened this morning:

I was cruising north on route 100 - coming home from the West Chester's Growers Market and had the windows down - stereo a blarin'.

Playing on the radio was the Blood Sweat and Tears song You've Made Me So Very Happy. I'm singing the following line with unbridled pride at the top of my lungs: "You make me shhoo very happy, you make me shhooo - shho very happy baby - I'm shho glad you ........came into my-hi-hi life. " (my heads a shakin' all cockily there on the last line for effect).

As I sang the last line, I noticed there were about 100 people at a cemetary standing around a casket about 50 feet from me. The priest is saying his final words. A few people looked over. I couldn't tell if their eyes were filled with tears or brows lowered with anger. All I know, while people were reflecting on the life of a loved one, some dope was singing this song. That dope would be me.

Note to self/Add these thing to my to do list:

- Make sure when I'm buried, my plot is really far away from the road.

- Sing this song for some friends and ask them, on a scale of 1 - 10, how close they think I sound to David Clayton-Thomas (the lead singer). Personally, I'd give my self an eight, but with a bit of practice, I honestly think I could get up to a nine.