Wednesday, April 21, 2010

How To Kiss. World's Best Kisser According To A Patch I Have.

If you read my blog you know that I'm very humble. But I will admit that I'm the best kisser that ever lived. In the history of the world.

I have the trophies, plaques and patches to prove it.

My policy is: if the chick doesn't want to rip your clothes off after you've kissed her for 5 minutes you're not doing it right.

Now I'm not gonna go into all my secret techniques. You'll just have to trust me on it. But I may...it's not a promise..but I've mentioned on Twitter that I MAY be setting up a kissing booth. I gotta work out all the details. You know, permission slip, booth construction*, gift card bullshit. You don't just OPEN a kissing booth.

While you're waiting, check out this video on "How To Kiss" that I found on Youtube. I mean...it's got some of the basics but...



*Finding the exact orange hue for the interior shag walls takes longer than you can imagine.

31 comments:

Dr Zibbs said...

And for the record, this video is fucking retarded. I mean..come on: "Don't bump noses"?

Dr Zibbs said...

Hahaha. "And don't forget to breath through your nose"

Oh come on now!!

funbobby99 said...

love that it has captioning... especially the part about "earlier space to avoid crime scene analysis" (0:45)! ;)

Kristen said...

Wait, you need a partner?!? Wait til the back of my hand hears about this!

Dr Zibbs said...

funbobby99 - It's a classic vid huh? And thanks for commenting on my blog.

Kristen - Good Von.

JenJen said...

Personally I think the lapping of your partner's face, neck and hell, why not nipples, is perfectly acceptable in public.
I mean, duh.
And zibbsy? A world class kisser?
Where can I buy my tickets--or can I get an arm band for an all day riders' pass?

Dr Zibbs said...

JenJen - I'm still working out the detail on the all day passes.

Thinking about making a partial donation to Lupus or something but working out the details.

JenJen said...

will there be rides? Salt shaker? Kamakaze?
And?
Lupus? Kisses for...Lupus.

will you be slipping the tongue? (hey I NEED to know this shit, Mr. Humble)

Dr Zibbs said...

JenJen - the way "the program" works is you sign up blindly THEN you find out the details.

JenJen said...

now THAT is bullshit!
what if you slipped me the tongue, like in my ear or some shit? Or licked my glasses?
Then I'd have no recourse because you'd be all "naaa you signed it, DUMMY."

A and B said...

OMG, when they are mimicking brusing teeth, it looks like a BJ! HAHAHAHA

I, too, am an incredible kisser and I'm here to tell you that you do NOT need a comfortable spot. haha Oh and whats wrong with kissing someone who is unconscious?

~A

KendallJaye said...

Even Rhett Butler said "You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how!"

And knowing is HALF THE BATTLE....
*waits for it*

-KJC

CrotchPains said...

OK- you can watch this video. Or you can just follow this simple plan that always works for me:

Step 1: Girl completely undress
Step 2: Kiss girl for 20-30 seconds

Step 3: Screw girl til I say we're done

Step 4: Turn on SportsCenter.

Video to follow....

Dr Zibbs said...

Crotch Pains - you're one of the last true great lovers.

Dr Zibbs said...

...haha and I like step 3 the best.

Dominica said...

@CrotchPains
wake me when you're done ...
:-O

CrotchPains said...

Dominica: I won't wake you. I'll just close the door quitely on my way out. But I will call you tomorrow....

Dr Zibbs said...

Dominica - CrotchPains won't call you. He doesn't even own a phone.

You might get a nice telegram though. He's thoughtful like that.

JenJen said...

Zibbsy is crotchpains your wingman? I mean with a 'plan' like that you must have to BEAT the women off you when you're out together.

Dr Zibbs said...

JenJen - as a matter of fact I do know Crotch Pains from back in the day and there was some wing earning involved.

sybil law said...

No wonder I kept passing out! I kept forgetting to breathe!
And no wonder, when I was passed out, all those dudes got to third base!

Dr Zibbs said...

Sybil Law - I know. The kids have it so easy today with these videos and all.

Gage said...

I don't know if this video is classic, but it sure is classy!

Personally, I always found this oldie to be helpful: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dp-4o0IodsE

Dr Zibbs said...

Gage - sweet.

CrotchPains said...

JenJen:

Although Zibbs and I are the same age, when we go out together, people wonder aloud if we are observing "Bring Your Son to the Bar" day. (They think Zibbs is the dad in this equation) So--I usually end up beating off the ladies,as you suggest, while he beats off something else entirely. Really.

Gwen said...

Is the backseat of a Firebird a comfortable place? Or wedged between a bar and a jukebox? How about perched on a keg in a crowded dorm room? Because I did some hot-ass kissing in those places in my day. (I learned humility from you.)

It only seems fitting that you donate your Kissing Booth profits to herpes research.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I may have to pay my fee for the booth since I don't have the skills, the Hubs will tell you. Unless of course you're talking about kissing other girls. Then I'm told that I'm really hot.
Wonder why that is.

Dr Zibbs said...

Gwen - yeah. Any place will do for me. And apparently you.

The Mad Woman - Ooooh Lala.

Anonymous said...

I think the video is not that nice. I want to share this article about proper way of Kiss and Tell.

Tasha said...

I'm watching this as my four-year-old daughter is sitting next to me playing with her Chuck E Cheese coins.

Mom, look at this! No.
Look at this! No...
Look at this! No...
LOOK sat this! Wait...

Sweet.

Dr Zibbs said...

hello