West Chester Blogger Shares Thanksgiving Tradition. Bobo The Clown.

I love traditions. I'd like to share a bit of my Thanksgiving tradition with you the reader. Above is a picture of last year's Thanksgiving. The day before actually. That's Charles the Turkey.

Look at him go!

We like to cage the bird and pamper him for a few hours before....well...you know.

So we give him special treats, sing traditional Pilgimy sounding songs, dance around his cage and taunt him playfully with sticks.

Then, it's time for Bobo the clown to begin his slaying. So he slowly circles the cage. The bird senses something is wrong. And starts darting all over the cage. During this all the kids pull a feather from the Negro Indian head (total fucking heirloom and valuable as shit) and hand their feather to Bobo.

Bobo picks the smallest feather and the child that gave him that feather gets to hold the gobbler to the stump while Bobo chops his head off.

We then give the turkey to Nana who defeathers it and cleans it.

What traditions do YOU guys have?

Important Breaking News About My Face. Travolta.

Over the past few months I've noticed a cleft in my chin. A cleft chin if you will.

The weird thing is that I've never noticed it. It's not huge like that ridiculous hole that John Travolta has in his chin*. It's barely noticeable.

In fact, if you saw me and looked at my chin you'd be all, "Where is it? Is it there? Is it there? Is that it?

The only way I know I have it is because when I shave in a downward stroke, I notice that I can't get into the tiny cleft with the razor so I have to shave it sideways to get a totally smooth shave. And I've never had to do this so it is indeed a new development on my face.

Maybe it's because I lost 15 pounds. Or maybe it's because I'm getting closer to dying and my face is starting to turn into a skeleton. I'm not sure.

*Whenever I see Travolta's face I picture a teensy tiny Travolta emerging from his cleft..."Hey, Mr Kotter!"

Bingo The Dog Is Finally Gone. Burying A Dog Sucks.

A few weeks ago I mentioned how we had to put my dog Bingo to sleep because we found out he had cancer of the spleen. And we were going to do it right away because the vet said he only had a few weeks to live.

After talking to the vet more she said that he wasn't really in pain, just some discomfort. So we decided to take it day by day. And although he was more tired than usual, and followed us around more than more, he didn't seem that bad.

He even ran out the door and followed me up the street just a few days ago. I looked back and he was running after me, his big old lab tail wagging. Running a bit slower than usual but still running.

Well yesterday things took a turn for the worse. He started to bleed a bit out of his ass.

So we called the vet, and instead of telling us to bring him to one of the vets that was open on a Sunday she said, "I live in Downingtown. I'll be there in half hour." Which was so great.

She came over and we decided to have him put to sleep right there. On our front porch. It was really, really sad but also very peaceful. I didn't think that I'd be able to sit through it but I did. We talked to him as he got the first injection and got more and more tired.

Over the 20 minutes it took for him to be sedated a few people were walking their dogs around the block. He would normally bark but instead he just looked up. Once he was fully sedated, she gave the second injection and it was over in five minutes.

I even asked if she could help wrap him up in the blanket because just moving him around while he was lifeless was too much. So she wrapped him up. Swaddled him really. We thanked her and she left.

We decided to bury him in the back yard so we put him into the wheelbarrow and wheeled him to the back of our yard next to the creek. It was right next to where we buried all of the other frogs, gerbils, Guinea pigs and hermit crabs over the years. But this hole was going to have to be a lot bigger.

I dug the hole while Bingo laid wrapped in his favorite blue blanket. The hole took about an hour to dig because there were so many rocks. I'd stop once in a while and just look at the blanket - not believing he was dead. And cry a bit.

Finally, after digging the hole, we put him in the hole and made sure he was curled up. We then put two of his stuffed animals in with him. Then filled in the dirt. There was a huge rock that I put in front of his grave. I may paint his name on it.

A sad day. But I'm glad we decided to bury him in the back yard instead of having him cremated. At least we'll know he'll always be there.

Goodbye Bingo. You were a great dog.

A Pet Dying Sucks. We Love You Bingo.

I'm playing this short video of a puppy lab because I just found out my lab Bingo has cancer and we have to put him to sleep this week.

We just told the kids. This sucks.

Saint Francis of Assisi In Norristown, Porn Staches and More!

So I was at my cousin's funeral on Saturday. It was the fourth family funeral this year. It was at Saint Assisi in Norristown. I think I need to spend more time in church because whenever I do I just see things that I might not normally notice. Here are a few:

- The alter looked like it was designed by the set designer from The Planet of the Apes (see image above).

- The one statue looked like the guy from ABBA (the bearded one).

- The other large statue looked like it was holding a weird large ball. I turned to my bother and whispered, "You never really do see the Patron Saint Of Volleyball in statue form do you?" - He couldn't stop laughing but I was able to talk myself down.

- The alter boy had a porn mustache.

- I was sitting directly behind my dad. I'm not sure who's cutting his hair but he needs to get his neck trimmed. It's the first time I saw him and thought that he reminded me of Matlock.

- Is there a name for the sing/talk thing that priests do? Do they rehearse it before hand? Are there albums available? I think I'd be pretty good at it.

Thanks Norristown Saint Francis of Assisi.

Questions That Maybe Bloggers Can Answer. Coleslaw. Shaving.

Here are some real questions that I'd like some answers to:

- I wonder how I should approach Twitter to get more blog followers? And where does this all end? Am I just wasting my time?

- Does anyone else think The Office has jumped the shark?

- Is there any subject that you'd really like me to blog about?

- How long until voice recognition works really good so I can write blog posts while driving?

- I need to get one of those man scaping razors. But where to start?

- Does anyone have a really, really great coleslaw recipe?

- Does anyone do TM? How long does it take a person to really get good at it? And I have ADHD so I have a very short attention span so take that into consideration.

My Blog Friends Might Need Special Section At My Funeral.

So tomorrow is Ken's funeral and it got me thinking. If I ever die - and that's a big if, I've just realized that my blog followers are going to want to attend my funeral.

I'm thinking once the funeral is about to start, an announcement can be made that there will be a slight delay. Then you freaks can enter the arena (because the crowds will be so large and I want nothing to do with a church).

I'm thinking that if everyone enters from different entrances it will make the most impact and create the most awe from my real life friends.

And I'm open to suggestions of funeral chants and merchandising so let me know. I'll also need at least 20 team leaders that will be responsible for organizing the masses.

Death. Dave Clark Five. Toilet Overflow. Stories.

So I spent the whole day at my sister's house yesterday. As I mentioned, her husband died two days ago.

There were a lot of tears but also a lot of laughs. We were going through pictures and almost falling off chairs laughing at the great stories. Here's one of my favorite stories of my brother -in- law Ken:

"Remember when you first started dating Ken and he clogged up the toilet? That was hysterical. Ken clogs up the toilet - it's midnight and I'm in the pool with a couple of friends. So I had to go wake up Dad. 'Dad, the toilet's overflowing and it's leaking on your desk (in the basement)'".

I mean water is flowing! He's in his robe and doesn't give a crap that we all have friends over.

"Damn it! I told you and Michael if you have to take a dump to use the upstairs toilet!"

It's a code red so everyone just knows that all of our friends should just leave.

And do you know what? Ken kept coming back to our house after that. It didn't bother him at all. He eventually married my sister and we harassed him about this story for years.

So the Friday Send Off song goes out to Ken. In case you're reading this. It's The Dave Clark Five. Bits and Pieces. A band that came up in conversation with him over the years.

Life Is Short

So I got a phone call this morning with the news that my brother-in-law died. He was 49. He was a perfectly healthy person a few years ago until they found and removed a brain tumor from him.

My sister had to retire to care for him. And she never, ever complained about it. They have one daughter who was about 5 when he was diagnosed with the brain tumor so she always knew him as someone that had been sick and not 100% there.

The amazing thing is that even though he would forget things like thinking he was at work earlier that day - or that he had just talked to his dad who had died years earlier- he someone never lost his dry sense of humor.

So I'm off this morning to see my sister and niece.

Life is short. Don't waste it.

Random Gran Torino Inspired Money Making Scheme

I just remembered that when I saw Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino the other week that when I came out of the theater I was teary eyed. I was a bit panicked because it hit me that if I ran into someone that I hadn't seen in a while I'd be too ashamed to admit why I was crying.

Person: Zibbs, what are you doing here..wait....are you crying?

Me: Um. No..I mean......yeah.

Person: Ha. What movie are you coming from? Marley and Me*? Bride Wars? Don't tell me it was Bride Wars!

Me: I don't know you jackass. I was too concerned trying to revive my dad. He was an usher and he just died. He was in theater #5 right over there. I gotta go. I gotta tell my mom.

So the money making scheme that I mentioned in the title of the post is waiting outside of theaters and photographing people then telling them I want $20 or their cry baby face will be plastered all over the world wide web of the Internets. Does anyone want to get in on the ground floor of this sure fire business? If so, let me know how much seed money you're willing to front.

*And if you want to see a post I wrote about the filming of Marley and Me right here in downtown West Chester, PA -click here. I haven't seen the movie but the West Chester scenes are at the beginning when it's snowing then later when they go to the vet.

Today - January 8 - Is My Birthday

Today is my birthday. Click here to see who was born and who died on January 8. This is a post I wrote last year. Note that there are only 2 comments. And one is from me! What a loser. Man this blog has come a long way in one year.

Dewey the Cat Stupid - We Want more Oscar

USAToday has a story today about Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched The World. Are you kidding? If any of my readers are planning to read this book, you are no longer invited to my blog. In fact, I vow to my Jesus that whenever I see someone reading this book, I will rip it out of their hands ala' Greg Brady and say, "Watcha readin'?" I'll then heave the book into a tree or nearby stream.

Anyway, the REAL story in the article is the sub story on page 2D about Oscar the cat. It seems Oscar the cat, a resident of the Steere House Nursing Center in Providence has the ability to tell when residents are about to die. He's actually is able to identify who is going to die, then he hangs out on their bed until they die. Now that's creepy AND interesting.

I'm now announcing a contest. I'm asking readers to submit Youtube videos of an Oscar look-alike cat scaring the hell out of old people. Use your imagination:

- Start by leaving articles about Oscar - in large print and highlighted - around the elderly - so they're familiar about the nightmare that is coming their way.

- Train the cat to look at someone, then away, then look at them again.

- Try to convince some of the seniors to get Oscar to go to someone else's bed so the other person dies instead of them. Suggest that they might want to place boxes of mice under someone else's bed to lure the killer cat there. You know, play them against one another.

- Consider entrapping a really crabby old person as nothing is funnier than an old crab screaming in horror.

Please submit videos to Youtube with tags: That Blue Yak, Contest, Oscar that cat

The winner, if willing to meet me in West Chester, Pa - will be treated to a lunch WITH ME at Buddy's Burgers on Gay Street. Contest ends Oct 1.

Good Luck.

Yikes - 100 Things To Do Before You Die Author Dies

Dave Freeman, the author of 100 Things To Do Before You Die, died today. He was only 47. He died after hitting his head on the floor in his home. This is not only unfortunate for him, but for me because I don't even have a bucket list! That's it. I'm starting one now. Freestyle. No editing. Here are the top 10 I'm making up:

1) Have hardwood floors in my home covered in foam or feathers.

2) Make and eat the first Ostrich-tur-duck-en-hen-shrimp. (It's like a Turducken but has an ostrich as it's outer shell, and inside the chicken can be found a cornish game hen and a plump juicy shrimp - paint a smiley face on the shrimp as a sign of accomplishment and to add a bit of whimsy to the meal).

3) Fake my death and then when someone is talking about me jump up and say, "AHAAAA!"

4) Make love to a tree.

5) Walk up to people that are in the middle of a conversation and get 2 inches from their faces and start start saying, "BABABABABABA".

When they say, "This is preposterous".

Say, "No your face is" and judo flip them.

6) Spit on a camel.

7) Run with the bulls but instead of bulls, use people with deformed hands and instead of running, ride a motor cycle. And instead of them chasing me, chase them.

8) Be on a sitcom and have a catch phrase like, "I've heard of boners but this is ridiculous" (look at camera and cross eyes).

9) Find the most boring lecture happening nearby and when the guy is talking, walk up and kick him in the nuts. Then say, "Time to take out the garbage" and have two muscle men carry him out. Look at crowd and shrug shoulders. Pause for laughter.

10) Tell someone that is a part-time paranormalist that I'm going to give them funding to go full time. Then, after they quit their job and ask for the money, tell them, "Sorry, a ghost ate it."