Wednesday, September 22, 2010

True Nashville Crazy Story About Drunk Women. Sexy Stuff.



Pull up a piece of carpet kids. I have a very interesting tale I'd like to share. Come on get in here closer.

There you go.

So a few years back I was at my favorite bar in the world. It's called Tootsie's Orchid Lounge. It's in Nashville. That's a city in the State of Tennessee you know.

Now it sounds like it would be a strip bar but it's not. It's just a tiny bar that's been around for years. And every famous country singer has played there because it's right behind where the Grand Old Opry used to be.

So anyways, this place is crazy. People walk on the bar, high 5 strangers as they come in the door and just get crazy.

So Im there for about five minutes and go to walk up the steps and this drunk girl is walking down. She's holding the railing and she swings out and blocks me. She's super drunk. She looks me up, then down (elevator eyes to some), gives me this devious smile, then reaches and grabs my crotch. And gives it a squuuueeeeze.

Just as she does this her girlfriends run up and grab her and say, "I'm sorry, she's so drunk." And they shuffle her out of the bar.

I'm all, "What the??" It happened so fast I wasn't able to even do anything. Like start grinding or something. I don't know.

So a few hours pass and I meet a group of real estate people that are in town for some convention. So we're all hanging out. Just cracking up.

Two bar stools open up and I say to one of the girls that's next to me, "That's it. I'm sitting down." She says, "Me too." And sits next to me.

A while passes and as we're talking, some girl almost falls down the steps. It reminds me of the drunk girl from earlier so I say, "Oh my God, you're not going to believe what happened to me earlier!" And I proceed to tell her the story. Well, I get to the part where I say, "...and then she grabs my crouch!" and instead of a look of, "Are you kidding?" She looks me dead in the eye and says, "Like this?" and reaches over to me and grabs my crouch!

I swear this happened!

I'm so shocked but I just played it cool and kept this look on my face like nothing had just happened. But I think I did say, "Yeah, kind of like that."

Not that I would have done anything anyway but she wasn't my type. Real big and ugly. I prefer my women to be normal sized. Oh, and good looking.

A few minutes pass and her group yells over, "Kathy, come on, we're leaving." She gives them a look, pointing back at me "secretly" and mouths, "I'm staying." As if saying, "I gots myself I live one here." I don't think so sister.

Long story short I said, "I have to go to the bathroom." And I got up and walked, very quickly back to my hotel.

The end.

19 comments:

Dr Zibbs said...

..And some may ask, "Why you Zibbs? Why did YOU get your crotch squeezed twice in one night by strangers?

Nobody really know. Could it be a sexy way I have about me that attracts women like moths to a light? Or perhaps I just have that thing they call, "It".

Nobody really knows.

*transforms into an bad ass eagle and flys the fuck away*

MJenks said...

Awesome.

Finally.

The story that you mention every time I bring up Nashville. Finally, I got to see the story.

Thanks.

And you handled the escape better than I probably ever would have.

Dr Zibbs said...

MJenks - I can't believe I never wrote a full post about this.

Anonymous said...

look at all the typos -- he's so excited about his story!

Moooooog35 said...

You are a disappointment to men who will bang anything, everywhere.

Trust me. I know this.

Dr Zibbs said...

Anonymous -HAHA! Damn it! I already went back twice to fix two errors. I really need to take more time proof reading. So where are they? I'm too lazy to look.

Son of a Thomas said...

Wait, I know the rest of the story. So you went back to your hotel and fell asleep. About an hour later you woke up to a shaking. The entire building was shaking. You thought it was strange to have an earthquake in Nashville. You went to the window and pulled back the curtains and that's when you saw a giant eye. Queen Kong had followed you home from the bar. You tried to run but her large, hairy arm came crashing thru the window and grabbed you. She drug you out and scaled the building. It was several hours before the Tennesee National guard (Volunteers mind you) Could bring her down. But they didn't kill her. No. It was crotch that killed the beast.

Dr Zibbs said...

Son of a T - BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Best comment ever!!!!

B.E. Earl said...

That's what you get for spraying animal pheremones all over your crotch.

Amy, Woman Exploding said...

Wowza. 2 crotch grabs in one night!! And not a single, "Hey, no touchy the merchandise?"

Dr Zibbs said...

Amy - I guess I have a soft side for any woman that would have the nerve to try and grab my crotch.

Wait. Not "soft"...

You know what I mean.

sybil law said...

Hahahaha
You're crotchtastic!!

Denise said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dr Zibbs said...

Sybil - that's how I'm going to decribe myself from now on.

Anonymous said...

@trinalikeswine I'm just surprised and puzzled she was able to get around your giant "TBY" engraved western style belt buckle...

JenJen said...

That's nothing.I personally have grabbed your crotch three, that's right THREE times in one night.

And only because you grabbed my ass.

Hey, tit for tat.

Prunella Jones said...

Hey, when I'm drunk I tend to squeeze a few dicks. What's the big deal? You gotta expect it when walking into a big ol' honkey tonk like Tootsies.

Love that place. Did you try the Blue Lemonade per chance? Good stuff.

Gwen said...

I'd always heard Nashville was the nutsack grabbin' capital of the continental US. Off-continent, I'm going to guess it's Puerto Rico.

Dr Zibbs said...

Prunella - I forgot that you live in Chatanooga. Wait a minute!

Gwen - HAHA. I laughed out loud on that one.