Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Downingtown Old Country Buffet Prepares For Commercial.



Here’s an idea for a commercial that I’ll be offering Old Country Buffet*:

- Instead of “All you can eat,” The promotion will be called “All Hugh can eat.”

- And Hugh will be this huge fat fuck. Close to four bills. The following is just a random brainstorming list of some ideas for the commercial:

- Opening of commercial shows Hugh pulling up in his handicap van and hobbling up the six steps to the restaurant. (Stopping twice to catch his breath).

- Huge stands at the hostess table and is greeted by a cheerful hostess who says to Hugh “follow me” – giving the appearance that he’s being seated in a real live restaurant and not a homeless shelter grade dining hall. She reminds Hugh of the “no sharing policy.” She looks at him again and says, “Seriously…no sharing. We’ll find out if you do. And you won’t be able to come back. Are we clear with that?”**

- Hugh drops his oxygen tank at his table and makes his way to the vittles. Mother’s pull children from his path as if guarding them from a charging rhino.

- Hugh wraps his sausage fingers around the dirty ladles and drops food onto his plate: Heat lamp crusted mac and cheese, unseasoned baked chicken, mashed potaters topped with fatty gravy and more….much, much more.

- His plate is loaded. A young chubby lad looks up at him, “Hey Mister, you don’t need to load up your plate THAT much because it’s all you can eat.”

- Hugh looks at the boy, leans down as much as he can and with garlic and cigar breath hitting the kid’s face with the intensity of a CVS handheld hairdryer says, “No mother fucker, It’s all HUGH can eat. You got that? All HUGH can eat. So get the FUCK out of my way!”

- Then cheerfully the announcer explains that although it’s all HUGH can eat, it’s also all YOU can eat. Both really. Hugh AND you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like everyone can eat at Old Country Buffet. Hugh AND you….the person watching the commercial. All creeds too. Seriously. Everyone.

*Commercial to be filmed at the Downingtown Old Country Buffet.
**See what I did there? I worked the problem of sharing right there into the commercial. So it’s crystal clear that people know. Maybe slow zoom in shot of a video camera will follow - with a huge eye peering out. Not sure what it will do to the pacing or tone of the commercial. That decision can be made in editing.

15 comments:

sybil law said...

I'd like your commercials a helluva lot more that the bullshit I see every day!
(Don't forget the chicken grease spittle that comes out of Hugh's mouth when he talks to the chubby kid!)

Dr Zibbs said...

Sybil - The chicken grease spittle? OK. Added!

CrotchPains said...

Don;t forget thunderous , dinosaur footsteps when Hugh walks in--rattling glasses, falling plates, screams of horror---would add a homey touch.

Dr Zibbs said...

CP - I like it. Maybe a kid standing there and you just see him being darkened by the shadow that is Hugh.

Fat fuck.

TC said...

I hate that guy.

On a side note, have you seen how many videos there are for STS NOW?

http://www.youtube.com/user/stairwaytostardom

Dr Zibbs said...

TC - no but I know what I'm watching tonight!!

And Fame the TV show was on TV the other day and all I could think of was STS. HAHAHA!!

Pearl said...

Also -- if I may add -- the visuals accompanying the thunderous lumberings of Hugh should include the pendulous, quivering chins of various envious fat fucks already seated.

Pearl

TC said...

HA! I LOVED Fame when I was a kid and watched it all the time. I think that Leroy's dance pants were a bit R rated though...

Dr Zibbs said...

Pearl- HAHAAA!!!!

TC - I'm sure you did. And Leroy couldn't help it.

Scope said...

Somehow, you need to work in Huge's last name.

Jass!

Dr Zibbs said...

Scope - HAHAA!! I'm stealing that name!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

UMMM, that is pure genius.

Dr Zibbs said...

Candy - Thanks you kindly.

Gwen said...

A college friend of mine once said the following to a very large waitress who had just told him the buffet was "all you can eat":

"Is it all *I* can eat? Or all *you* can eat? Because I'm betting they are two different things."

Cameron said...

Add the fact that Hugh is waiting impatiently for them to open the doors at lunchtime, and remains thru the supper hour...shitting himself. Twice.