Resusci Anne Was A Creep Fest! Mary C Howse Elementary Made Me Do This In 4th Grade!

*Points old straggly finger at Anne and talks like a ghost* "Kiiiiissss Meeee. KIIIISSSSS MEEEEE!!!"

Did you guys have to do the CPR Resusci Anne when you were in school? Where you had to perform CPR on this creepy ass dummy? I did. In FOURTH grade!! Then again in Seventh. But fourth grade. What were they thinking?

I remember thinking it was kind of scary but looking around the room some of the kids were terrified. Trying not to act nervous. And some were just super embarrassed that they were going to have to put their lips on this actual sized body and blow into it as the whole class watched. "Oh so THAT'S how you would kiss a girl? Oh I see."

I'm thinking of finding out how to volunteer at schools so I can be the person that teaches the kids.....

Like I would go into some schools in the South and make some of the racist kids do CPR on the black male Anne. Holding my clipboard I'd say, "So. You love blacks AND you're gay. Interesting." Maybe rig it so when their lips approach I pump something and it appears that the male Anne is getting a boner. Or just ugly it up with a mane of matted nose hair extending down right above the lips.

Or I would get really close to the kid and say something and when they turned around I'd be wearing one of these Anne masks and whisper, "Join us!"

And I'd choose one special kid that would get these baby Annes. Placed in their bed at night. And they would wake up to the sound of recorded voices saying, "Dad da. Dad da...."

Yeah I gotta get on that.

I Was Terrible At Doing Models. 68 GTO. Planes from Ceiling.

Behold it's beauty. The 68 GTO. I love that car for some reason. But what I didn't like was doing models. My dad tried to get me into building model airplanes because he did them when he was younger but I didn't have the patience.

I guess I was about seven or eight which is way too young for putting together a complicated model. But he would sit me at the kitchen table and lay all the pieces out. I would pick up a piece and take a look at it and he would say, "Don't touch it Jimmy. You need to follow the instructions!"

And follow the instructions he would. He would read through the instructions then pull off all the pieces and put them in piles. I would help. Then he would attempt to put it together using that airplane glue. It always made a mess. He would let me try to put together the larger pieces. Glue dripping all over. I would usually lose patience and leave the room and let him finish. I would hear him yelling, "God Damn it!" because he would break a piece or glue it into the wrong spot. I'd come back in when he was putting the decals on over the bumpy dried glue areas.

A few years later I tried to do them myself. But I'd get frustrated and leave lots of the parts off. Like an engine of a car? No need for that when the hood is shut. Right?

Not sure what ever happened to my models? A few of the planes were hung from my ceiling till I was about eleven. I don't remember where they went but I bet I blew some up with firecrackers.

The Time I Was Second Choice And Wristbands From The Seventies.

See that beauty in the picture? The wristband? Not the fake hand. Well not to brag but I owned a pair in 3rd grade. A kid named...well....lets call him Heith Kopton in case he's reading my blog.

The way I got them was this....

Heith: Hey Jimmy do you want to come to my house on Saturday for my birthday?

Me: I think I can. I'll have to check.

Heith: OK. My twin sister and I each get to invite one person and I'm choosing you.

Me: (feeling a bit special) Oh OK.

Heith: My first choice was Keith Wright but he can't go.

Me: Oh....OK.

Heith: So that's why I chose you. You're my second choice. Here's a set of wristbands for you. I have a set too. Let's start wearing them.

Hey at least I got some wristbands out of the deal. I wonder what Keith Wright was offered?

And I later did get Heith back for choosing me second by making him laugh so hard at lunch that milk came out of his nose. And he started crying and got pissed at me. That's called Karma you bitch ass!

Oh yeah. And he only had seven and a half toes too. So there's that.

Dick Van Dyke And Falling Over The Ottoman.

Man I used to love the Dick Van Dyke Show. I wish it was in reruns more.

When I was a kid and it was in reruns I was pretty good at imitating the opening trip scene. Here it is:

The time I Bought Lunch In First Grade. Wayne PA.

As you know from this post, I was a lunch bringer. Not a buyer. Until that fateful day in first grade that my Mom let me buy. I remember looking at the lunch schedule and narrowing it down to either pizza day or hot dog day. I forget which it was because the trauma of what happens next erased the memory.

I walked up the line with my tray. Making sure it was completely straight. I had studied the ways of the buyers for a few weeks since I was nervous doing something different.

I was really shy you may recall.

I made sure my exact change was on the tray as I approached so I wouldn't look like a bumbling amateur when it was my turn to pay. "Here you go my hair netted, mustacheoed lady. Thank you kindly for the preparation of this meal. Here is your exact currency."

I paid and proudly - but slowly and carefully - walked to my seat. Like a peacock. Everyone was probably watching. "Yeah. I'm a big boy. I bought."

There were no seats next to any fellow buyers so I had to settle next to some lowly lunch bringers. "Hmmm. What did your mom pack? Nice bag. Let me just settle in and eat my professional meal here. OK. There we go...Mmm. *looks around and nods* This is pretty good." *looks to the other side* "I like how the trays have different sections. Did you notice that? I wonder if other schools have trays like this?"

After finishing my historic meal I proudly made my way to the playground. Like a big shot. But there was one probelem. In my excitement I forgot that it was my turn to do the final wipe down of my lunch table after everyone left. It was kind of a big deal. One kid was picked every day from their class and was supposed to ask a helper. Something about teaching us about responsibility.

So I'm out at recess and I see a teacher saying, "Jimmy Zibbs...Jimmy Zibbs!"

I looked around thinking, "Is there...is there ANOTHER Jimmy Zibbs?"

"Jimmy Zibbs! Come here! You forgot to clean yoru class table."

*Intermitten zoom in to my face as music from Phycho plays. My eyes like deer in the headlights*

I let out a confused, "Me???"

I walked back inside. In my excitement over buying I forgot to clean the table. And I was super shy and never got in trouble so I was really nervous walking back in. Just the idea of being yelled at had me practically shaking.

I walked in and the janitors had already folded most of the tables up. Tables fold?? Then I was given a damp rag and I wiped up the table. In shame. As the teacher watched me.

The End.

Note: That is not my class picture.

Something That Strangers Used To Ask ME. Close Your Eyes.

Here's something that's kind of odd that I was thinking of the other day. When I was between about 8 and 11 for some reason my eyelids looked kind of blueish sometimes. I'm assuming it was veins in my eyelids that made them look blueish but it wasn't like you could see veins or anything. It was just that sometimes that looked blueish. I don't know.

And I can't recall if it was only when it was cold outside or not.

But what I DO recall is that at least on 30 - 40 occasions somebody - usually a stranger - would be looking at me and ask, "Are you wearing eye shadow?"

Or worse yet they would look at me with a confused look and say, "Close your eyes for a second."

WHO THE HELL ASKS A KID WHO'S A STRANGER TO CLOSE THEIR EYES??

Then they would either say, "Oh. OK." And and kind of nod their head in a "Just what I expected" kind of way or ask, "Are you wearing eye shadow?"

And nobody has ever said that since I was 11. Has anyone ever heard of this? I never thought to tell my mom at the time so she could ask the doctor so it remains a mystery.

Will The Best Children Please Come Up Here? Triplets.

Man. Time flies. My son is already in college. And happy to report that except for one B he has all A's. Phew!

But was thinking about a story his first grade teacher told me about him years ago. There was a set of triplets in the first grade. Their last name was Best. So on the first day two of the triplets were in her class when only one was supposed to be in her class. So she says, "Would the Best children please come up to my desk?"

So the two Best boys walked up to her desk. She told the one that he was to go to another class. Then she looked behind them and my son was standing there. And then...

Teacher: Oh and who are you?

Son: Jack Zibbs.

Teacher: And why did you come up here?

Son: Because I'm one of the best children.

Haha!! He thought she meant the best as in the best kids in the class.

Meh. Maybe you had to be there but it was pretty cute when she told it.

West Chester Man Reveals His Lunch Box. Yellow Submarine.

As promised two posts back I will now reveal my first grade lunch box. It was....The Beatles Yellow Submarine!

Well. Kind of.

For some reason - instead of my Mom letting me pick out a lunch box - she asked my Dad to pick one up. I have no idea what she was thinking. I remember him saying, "Jimmy I bought you a lunch box for the first day of school."

And I ran over. All excited. Until I saw it. It was a lunch box for the TV Show "The F.B.I.". Huh??? I don't even remember this show NOW. And I'm a TV head. I looked it up on Wikipedia and it was on the air from 1965 - 1974. Anyway, for me it was a boring ass lunch box. The graphics on the lunch box were basically a bunch of guys wearing suits. Hey Dad, wasn't "The CBS News with Walter Cronkite available?"

But what was worse is that I opened it up and the thermos was a Yellow Submarine thermos. IT DIDN'T EVEN MATCH THE LUNCH BOX! I remember saying, "I can't use this! It doesn't match!"

Then I remember:

Mom: (to Dad) Jim why didn't you check to see if the thermos matched?

Dad: Sally it was the last one there!

If you know my Dad, it was probably sitting on a shelf near canned goods because someone noticed that the lunch box didn't match the thermos and they just left it there. Then my Dad walked in the store, saw it next to a stack of canned beans and thought, "Well, good thing I got the last one." And picked it up and walked to check out.

So I was stuck with it. For the next two years I would pull all of my lunch out and close the lunch box. Then when nobody was looking I would open it really quickly and pour my drink into the plastic thermos cup and shove the thermos back in. Phew! Nobody saw me.

I think in third grade I moved on to carrying my lunch in a paper bag. Or a "lunch sack" as my hillbilly readers probably call it.

And I really wish I still had the Yellow Submarine thermos. I looked on Ebay a few years ago and they were selling for $250. Doh!

Boy Forced To LIsten To Dickie Goodman At Cousin's House in 5th Grade.

When I was a kid we'd visit my cousin's about three times a year. My father and his sister didn't get along. That's why it was so infrequent. And that was fine with me. Because even though they were nice. They were total nerds. And it was always a really uncomfortable visit. Kind of like, "You kids are the same age. You must have things in common. Go hang out together for three hours."

I remember going over once in about 5th or 6th grade and as as soon as I walked in the door the two cousins that were my age were like, "Jimmy! You've got to hear this record!!"

So we went upstairs and they were so excited running up, "This is the funniest thing you ever heard! Wait till you hear this!" I knew there was no way it could be.

And they proceeded to put on "Mr Jaws" by Dickie Goodman. It's supposed to be funny. And they sat there and stared at me in anticipation. So excited. Waiting for me to laugh.

And I sat there stonefaced. Uncomfortable. Knowing this was one of the stupidest things ever. And then they started mimicing it as it was playing. I remember being so uncomfortable so I pretended to laugh at parts. But I've always been bad at that. Especially when something is SO not funny. And I STILL hate when people do that. They'll say, "Bill, tell that hysterical story you were telling me." And depending on who is telling it I can tell right away it's going to be a snoozefest.

And they were all, "WAIT..LISTEN TO THIS PART!! '..with me is the local sheriff. Sheriff? What do you intend to do?'"

And then they'd look at me. Then when it was over they would crack up and say, "DO YOU BELIEVE THAT!! We gotta hear that again!!!" And they put it on again. And again. And yes....even again. Here is the nightmare:

Valentine's Day, Crappy Cards And Uglier People.

Even as far back as 3rd grade at Mary C Howse Elementary, I remember giving the Valentine's Day cards to girls in my class based on what they looked like. And it was tough because those crappy card packs of 30 back in the 70's didn't give you much to choose from.

So for example the girls I liked got a card with a cute puppy, kitten or rabbit.

The girls I didn't like got the goofier cards like the giraffe with crossed eyes peaking his head through a second story window, "I'll put my neck out for you" or the hog eating a corn cob and rolling in mud, "It's corny but will you be my Valentine?"

I wasn't trying to be mean to the uglier people. They probably didn't even pick up on what I was doing. I guess in some way I was hoping the cute girls would pick up on it. Did everyone else do this or am I the only shallow one?

All I know, when it comes to Valentine's Day and my readers, "I Choo Choo Choose You" ......and you and you. But not you.

The Creepy Film About Your Changing Body

Guys, I need you to go and check the oil in your car. I need to have a private word with my lady readers. ....are they gone? Good.

OK ladies, It's wonderful being a girl. But did you know that the uterus is no larger than the size of a pear? Or that the ovaries are no larger than walnuts? And that fallopian tubes are not an amusement ride? It's true. The problem is that when the movie you were shown in 5th grade was playing, you weren't listening. Were you?

I think we all need a refresher course*. And coming from an anonymous blogger that you've never met that claims to be a doctor, I think you can trust me when I say, "Please watch this creepy film about menstruation that was made in the 1960's to teach gals about their changing bodies." Then when a gal pal ask you if it's OK to wash your hair while menstruating, you'll feel confident about giving them the correct answer.



*Although this film says it's safe to bowl while menstruating, this film was made in the 1960's so bowl at your own risk.

Confession Monday - And WCASD Schools Open

I thought the opening day of school in the West Chester Area School District would be a good time to start TBY Confession Mondays. The theme of today's confession?:

Accidents in school. Here's mine:

In 1st grade, at Ithan Elementary School in Wayne, PA (Radnor Township School District). I wet my pants. As it happened, the kids around me stared with curiosity and pulled their desks away. The teacher was good with discreetly shuffling me off to the nurse.

The next day, nobody said anything except for this one jerk who was stopping older kids in the hall and saying, "He wet his pants. HEY. He wet his pants."