Monster Baby Potenially Created? Can You Imagine?

Man (to nurse): Hello nurse my wife is here to have her baby.

Nurse (doesn't look up from desk): OK name please?

Man: My name? Clint Howard....

Nurse: And your wife's name?

Man: That would be Janis Joplin? J.O.P.L.I.N....

Nurse: OK. Joplin...now I'll just need your medical card and.....(nurse looks up at the couple)...Huh?????

*nurse gets up and runs down the hall ala' Cowardly Lion and dives out the window*

.....AND......cut!

My Thoughts on Plastic Surgery. Jennifer Grey. Fake Boobies.

 There's Jennifer Grey back in the day. And this is her now:

Whu Whu WHATTTT? Va Va VOOOOOM!

She looks like a different person. So much better looking and you can't even tell she had any work done. How can they do this but so many other plastic surgery faces look terrible?

I think I'm against most plastic surgery. Unless it's a woman with a huge beak. Then it's OK. Noses are pretty easy to do. For dude's though? Big noses are fine. Look at Adrien Brody with that schnoz. Ladies like him don't they?

As for big fake boobs I'm not a fan of those easy. But I am OK with the boob lift.

Would I get plastic surgery? Probably if I developed one of those neck gobblers but I think that's hereditary right? So I think I'll be fine. As for my crows feet I'm OK with them.

Tell me YOUR thoughts.. Let your voice be heard on this important matter.

Check Out These Crazy Tattoos! Comic Book Guy.

Other then having, "GOOGLE THIS: THAT BLUE YAK" tattooed on your balls, tattoos are pretty stupid.

Not really. I can see if you're a biker or a rocker. Or the tramp stamp is kind of cool. Or one or two. But for God's sake think before you ink! I think I just coined a phrase, "Think Before You Ink". Not too shabby Zibbs.

Anyway, here's a video with some crazy tattoos - dedicated to SkylersDad - who always finds the best tattoos around the web.



I think my favs are the brain under sardine jar and the Comic Book Guy. Classic.

What Happens If I Start Getting Stalked By Philly Area Twitter Nerds.

It's pretty cool being a super popular rock n roll superstar blogger...being all fuckin' famous and shit.

And I've done a pretty good job of keeping my identity private.

I do however love meeting other bloggers in person but now I'm running into a problem because of Twitter.

You see, most people that follow this blog - I assume - follow it because they think it's funny. On Twitter however, I already have over 250 followers and many are in the Philly area. But I think many people follow me just because I'm local to them.

Now I know I'm bringing it on my self because I'll tweet where I am but in the back of my head I'm wondering if I'm being watched. Like lets say in a few months I have a few thousand followers and I Tweet something like:

"Forced to go into Exton Kmart. Hey look at the hillbilly with the wolf shirt!"

Then all of a sudden several of the hillbilly relatives, all that are Tweet followers emerge, surround me and try to beat me for dissin' the wolf shirt. Sure, I'll just jump up onto a pipe, do a mid-air somersault and fly out of there but it's the inconvenience. In a pre-twitter world I'd be able to stare at the hillbilly, then approach him and say, "That's a mighty fine wolf on your shirt, is that the Grey Wolf? I think that's a great choice of shirts because you - not unlike the wolf my friend- seem like a leader...of some pack."

And I've intentionally been following people locally so I can see what's going on in the area, possibly meet some cool people and maybe even have them buy things for me. But for what price? What if I meet up with some of these Tweeters and they're complete nerds? Or they expect ME to buy THEM drinks?

What then? I am open to suggestions for how to weed out the people that don't meet these specifications:

Attractiveness - they don't have to be super attractive but I ain't hanging out with no freaks. Especially huge foreheaded people. You know, belugas.

Attentiveness - they understand that I like to dictate the tempo and pace of conversations.

Generous - they understand that I'm very busy so if they're spending time with me, the least they can do is buy the drinks. I will fight and say, "No, let me get this round" but they will be smart enough to say, "Forget it! I insist. Your payment is the words I'm honored to read on your Tweets."

Fashion Savvy - They don't own a wolf shirt.

Any tips?

Baby Laugh A Lot. More Creepy Commercials. Dolls. Remco.

I declare the rest of the weekend TBY creepy video weekend. And with that I give you.....Baby Laugh A Lot by Remco.

The only thing creepier than the doll are the choppers on the chick at 17 seconds in.

Sweet Jesus.

Beauty, Mismatched Couples, Numbers, Ugly People. Sex Techniques.

I love watching people.

And I like to rate people with numbers. Before I meet someone, it's obviously based just on looks. Like when you're walking through the mall or down the boardwalk and you see a couple, you rate them on a scale of one to ten.

Don't lie - you do it too.

But then if someone has a really great, charismatic personality, or they're really funny, really interesting or super sweet (chicks only), they may get a few more points from me. It's my scale and that's how it works.

Usually, couples are pretty close to their partner in number though. It's not that often that I'm thinking, "What the hell is she doing with him? Once in a while but it's not that often.

Then, once in a while you get the four point people difference. It's pretty rare. "Wait a minute!You're a five but she's an nine! What up wit dat brudda?" I find that it's usually money. Rich goofy ass dudes matched with good looking chicks that don't feel like working.

Have you ever met a couple that was more than four points apart?

And on a related subject, do you chicks ever tell your girl friends that they've got to sleep with some dude because he's so great in bed? I like to think that you do. And that it's happened to me. You know - because I'm so great in bed. Seriously. Your head would spin. I'm not making this up.

Except make sure to freshen up.

Elephant Woman Beauty Secrets. Nice Sack.

You always see the elephant men wearing burlap potato sackish bags to cover their horrifying faces but I can't for the life of me recall ever even seeing an elephant woman.

I wonder if this this ever happens in elephant woman households to help with their self esteem:

Mom: Ellie, how are you feeling today? Any better?

Ellie: I hate school. I feel like a freak.

Mom: Well I got something for you. (Pulls out fabric swatch book and sits on corner of bed). It's a book filled with pretty swatches. I thought we could look through the book and pick out a nice pattern for your burlap sack. Perhaps one with a cherry pattern? That would be cute - don't you think?

Ellie: You're the best mom! (starts to take sack off of head).

Mom: (covers eyes and looks away). ELLIE.THE SACK. PUT THE SACK BACK ON! Thank you.

Dude With Long Nose Hair Repulses Chester County Blogger.

Oh yeah. I just remembered this. I was at this formal event last week. I'm mingling around with my red wine talking to people - things are going well. I approach someone I haven't seen in a while. I say hi and he introduces me to the guy he's talking to.

I turn my head to look at the guy and this dude* has two manes of nose hairs coming out of his beak. I'm talking nose hairs at least a half inch long. How the hell does someone look in the mirror and not realize that something has to be done?

Doesn't this guy wonder why everyone is looking at his nostrils?

There's no excuse for this. I seriously need to know - why do you think some dudes refuse to trim their nose hairs? Do you think they don't care? I bet some don't trim because they think using a nose clipper would be too feminine. Maybe they think the ladies don't care.

And one more thing to add. Do you see that finger nose hair clipper above? That's a real product. And for all the weird stuff I buy simply because it's weird and funny -that finger nose hair clipper is even over the top for me.

* If by the rare chance you were at an event last week in Chester County and you look like Ed Begley Jr., It's you that I'm talking about here. Do everyone a favor and clean yourself up. Jesus Christ.

Valentine's Day, Crappy Cards And Uglier People.

Even as far back as 3rd grade at Mary C Howse Elementary, I remember giving the Valentine's Day cards to girls in my class based on what they looked like. And it was tough because those crappy card packs of 30 back in the 70's didn't give you much to choose from.

So for example the girls I liked got a card with a cute puppy, kitten or rabbit.

The girls I didn't like got the goofier cards like the giraffe with crossed eyes peaking his head through a second story window, "I'll put my neck out for you" or the hog eating a corn cob and rolling in mud, "It's corny but will you be my Valentine?"

I wasn't trying to be mean to the uglier people. They probably didn't even pick up on what I was doing. I guess in some way I was hoping the cute girls would pick up on it. Did everyone else do this or am I the only shallow one?

All I know, when it comes to Valentine's Day and my readers, "I Choo Choo Choose You" ......and you and you. But not you.

The Patty Duke Show And Song Idea For My Chester County Band.

I don't have a band. Yet. But when I do, I'd like to do a cover of The Patty Duke Show theme.

When we tour, I think it would be great to have ugly twins from each city come out and dance while the song plays. I'm talking some really freaky looking twins where you look in horror and ask, "You mean there's TWO of you??

Maybe we'll make fun of them on the big screens that they won't be able to see while they're dancing.

I'm not sure yet. I'll work out that detail after I learn how to play an instrument.

What's The Deal With Rumer Willis?

Can someone tell me what's the deal with Rumer Willis? I know her parents are Demi Moore and Bruce Willis but is there anyone who finds her the least bit appealing? If you look here on IMDB you'll see that she's pretty much done nothing. But she shows up on award shows and magazines...

And the looks? She was voted one of the most beautiful people? What?

Now, I'm not asking people to hurl fruit at her when they see here but damn it, someone need to get to to the bottom of this.

Hottest Guy Has That Special Something

And now something for the ladies:





- He's got style....




- He's got Pa-Zazz!.......





- He's got the gentle touch.....





- Imagine him gazing into your eyes........







- Breathing his breath in your face.........





- Re-presenting............

GENE SHALLOT! You know you want it. Seriously though. Imagine him looking into your eyes, trying to look all sexy. He's breathing through his nose. And it's whistling.......

A Salute To A Blogger That's Going To Hell

Whenever I feel like I might be going too far with my blog content. I take the wheel of my automobile and head on down to Fee Feesible Prophesies and look at all of the creepy pictures and videos. Then I'm reaffirmed, "Oh yeah, I guess I am saint-like.

A few days ago I was at the Chester County library and I went to the site and saw the creepiest, weirdo video clip that had me laughing so hard I had to go to another site and pretend I was at a funeral - I'm not kidding. I was giggling like an idiot and my shoulders were bouncing up and down with my laughter. Some guy (not the famous blogger) was looking at me like I was a fool. It was one of those moments, like when you're in church, praying to baby Jesus and a big fat guy blows his nose with a hanky or the Priest says something wrong like, "...and Jesus fried alone for our sins" - you know.

Once I calmed down, I went back to see who is responsible for this blog and I see it's Jen and "2 fools". When I click 2 Fools, it sets me off again because here's what I see: huh?

Anyways, here's clip that put me over the edge (note that I would put a direct link to the vid I'd have to show you the unrelated part of the post and you'd be confused):

(P.S. I stole the idea of honoring a blog post from by best friend Falwless).

I Think Everyone Is a Short Post Reading Away from "Getting Art"

Last week when I received an unsolicited image of a Blue Yak (see picture above) from Speedcat Hollydale - I was flattered. The mighty Blue Yak silently looking over his kingdom before starting the usual day long session of blog writing. I then asked for an open call of other original pieces of art from you the readers. Well, Fawless , my best friend was up to the challenge. Behold the beauty. It's a masterpiece on so many levels. The visible nostrils. The deformed fingers with extra digits hiding it's fear of the world. The scary eyes almost saying, "What do you look at? Why are you staring? Am I not like you?Aren't we all like me..and you?" And of course the Patrick Swayze on a centaur tattoo (to see the tattoo, make sure the sun is not behind you, hold a magnifying glass up to monitor and look to the left - thar she blows) .

Feel free to leave YOUR comments about the art. Respectful comments only. All others will be deleted.