Man With Dog On Scooter Still Hasn't Gotten a Date

Nashville, TN

I have to hand it to him. At least he's trying. Bill Simmons' latest attention getter has, as suspected, FAILED. A Labrador Retriever on a scooter will get you attention, but when you've got a kisser like Bill "Sad Sack" Simmons, it just doesn't seem to matter.

"Well, I've talked to a lot of ladies, but they just want to ask about the dog. I put in a good 5 hours a week cruising these streets and nothin'."

The best way to describe Simmons is if Ron Howard's brother got Eleanor Roosevelt pregnant. While pregnant she was kicked by a mule. When the baby was born, he was dropped on his face. Then, when the baby got older it let itself go. Put that all together and you've got Bill Simmons.

The few friend's that Bill has are pity friends. Mostly Christians and good deed doers. Friend Chico Gonzales has known Mr Simmons for eight years,

"I feel bad for my man. He can't even get a lady to look at him. I thought the dog on the scooter would work but it hasn't. I've even seen women take pictures of the dog and ask Bill if he could move a little so he's not in the picture. One time he was like, 'can you just crop me out' and she was like 'MOVE BACK FRANKENSTEIN'!"

Bill's previous attempts for attention include iguana on back, walking around on stilts and drawing and giving away free caricatures. All have failed.

What are you gonna do?