I really should be like 280 pounds*. I don't know why I'm not because I eat so much junk.
I think I have the metabolism of a hummingbird. Here's what I've consumed today (by 12:30):
Tastykake Krimets (breakfast)
2 tic tacs
Large sticky bun (someone brought to work)
Cheesesteak with extra cheese
Snickers ice cream bar (large)
9 glasses of water (not all at one time)
I was thinking about writing down what I consume for a week then reconsidered. Mostly because I might see the amount of booze I drink and be all, "Huh??" But maybe not since I only drink about three or four days out of the week lately.
Maybe I'm not a fatty because I exercise a lot. And I also don't eat huge portions. Like some of you guys. Like those dudes that can eat two cheesesteaks? I could never do that. Maybe I have a small stomach. And I do skip meals sometimes because I'm not hungry.
Oh. And I rarely eat anything after dinner. Like some of you that sit on your couch and devour and whole bag of chips or eat ice cream from the carton. Hmmm. Maybe YOU'RE the one with the problem?
*I'm 6'2" and about 195. Actually I'm 6'2" and 3/4 but I don't want to lie and say I'm 6'3" and I don't want to always say "and 3/4" because it sounds like I kid who says, "I'm 4 and a HALF"
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I'm sickened that Carson Kressley is going to be on Dancing With A Star. Sickened.
And does that make ME gay? That I care about who is on Dancing With A Star? Probably not. Because look...I think it's called Dancing With "A" Star. "Star" being singular. Which means I probably don't watch the show. Which means...I'm probably straight.
Anyways, back to Carson Kressley. I just can't stand that dude. He's totally full of himself. Just rubs me the wrong way. And no...not because he's a total fem. But on the subject of fems I can't stand do you know who else I despise? Cojo! I hate that dude! He thinks he's hysterical. I hate him! Here he is:
OK. You're probably thinking I'm a homophobe. I will now prove that I'm not. Because here's a flamer I love. I give you...Richard Simmons. But Richard. Please. Can you get a new pair of shorts? It's been 25 years.
Another gay I also love Paul Lynde. Who are YOUR favorite gay people?
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Alright I swear I'm not making this up or exaggerating.
I was walking the Struble Trail in Downingtown a few days ago. It's a nice trail that borders the Brandywine River. Delightlful. It's about 80% shaded too. So if you want to keep your smooth, alibaster skin perfect it's the place for you.
So I see a couple approaching me. They're holding hands. I could tell as they got closer that they were in their teens. Once I'm about 20 feet from them I realize that the dude is an Indian and the girl is a.... Wait for ittttt...a mongoloid!
And this is where it turned weird. As she's passing me she gave me this look. A look of convidence. As if saying, "Yeah. I've got a boyfriend." I swear to God it was just weird! Or it was like how a vampire would look at you and he was saying to you, "This is OUR secret. Are we clear with this?" Usually when a retarded person looks at you it's obvious that they're retarded but she looked completely lucid. The whole thing was just odd.
And is it even legal for a normal to date a retarded person??
Or maybe she just LOOKED mongoloid like Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley (see picture below) but I swear she was retarded.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
One time I was putting up drywall with some dude. And I had just met him. So we were working very closely.
And I had to hold a piece of the framing material. I forget what it’s called. Like the skeleton of the wall before the drywall goes up. I think you know what I mean. So I’m holding the metal piece and his hand is about 5” from my face because he’s holding a level and I see this:
Well I see “B.” “A” shows a normal pinky and “B” shows the pinky I saw. It was a pinky that had been cut off and it had an itsy bitsy nail grafted (I assume) onto a part of the amputated finger to trick the viewer (I assume) into thinking that it was a normal pinky. So kinda like at first glance someone might be like, “Oh my God is that a chopped of pinky?..oh no..there’s a finger nail. Let me just get back to what I was doing.”
A bit deceiving if you ask me.
But I wasn’t tricked. Oh no. It caught me so off guard I kind of froze. Like in horror. Like when someone jumps out on you and scares you. And that few seconds after you’re trying to recover. So I just looked at it.
A similar thing happened when I was a busboy at the Lion’s Share Restaurant in Exton and I reached down to clear a plate and was caught off guard when I noticed that the dude had one of those fake arms. I’m talking the old school kind with the hook thing at the end and the wires that help it move. You know that kind?
And I had the same shocked, deer in the headlights look.
Did that ever happen to you guys?
Monday, August 22, 2011
When I was a kid we'd visit my cousin's about three times a year. My father and his sister didn't get along. That's why it was so infrequent. And that was fine with me. Because even though they were nice. They were total nerds. And it was always a really uncomfortable visit. Kind of like, "You kids are the same age. You must have things in common. Go hang out together for three hours."
I remember going over once in about 5th or 6th grade and as as soon as I walked in the door the two cousins that were my age were like, "Jimmy! You've got to hear this record!!"
So we went upstairs and they were so excited running up, "This is the funniest thing you ever heard! Wait till you hear this!" I knew there was no way it could be.
And they proceeded to put on "Mr Jaws" by Dickie Goodman. It's supposed to be funny. And they sat there and stared at me in anticipation. So excited. Waiting for me to laugh.
And I sat there stonefaced. Uncomfortable. Knowing this was one of the stupidest things ever. And then they started mimicing it as it was playing. I remember being so uncomfortable so I pretended to laugh at parts. But I've always been bad at that. Especially when something is SO not funny. And I STILL hate when people do that. They'll say, "Bill, tell that hysterical story you were telling me." And depending on who is telling it I can tell right away it's going to be a snoozefest.
And they were all, "WAIT..LISTEN TO THIS PART!! '..with me is the local sheriff. Sheriff? What do you intend to do?'"
And then they'd look at me. Then when it was over they would crack up and say, "DO YOU BELIEVE THAT!! We gotta hear that again!!!" And they put it on again. And again. And yes....even again. Here is the nightmare:
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I'd like to take a moment to tell you what I've been loving. Inglefoffer thick-n-creamy horseradish.
I've always been more of a "prepared horseradish" fan. You know...how there are specs of horseradish and it's not creamy? But sometimes it's not hot enough. You don't get that back of the throat heat zing that goes up to your nose sometimes. And most of the horseradish sauces aren't hot at all.
I really should do a taste test with various horseradishes but in the mean time I'm going with Inglehoffer thick-n-creamy.*
I just had it on a turkey sandwich. And it was so friggin' good. So go buy some. Tell em' Zibbs sent ya.
Seriously, like if the stock boy is standing there tell him I sent you. And report back to me about what he says.
Actually wire yourself so you get it on audio. Then transcribe it when you get home. So you don't fuck it up. OK. Get to work.
*Note to self: consider introducing myself to people as "Thick-n-creamy"
A few random things about movies:
- I saw Final Destination 5. It was OK as expected but the special effects were unreal. Especially at the beginning when the bridge collapses. Great death scenes. I couldn't watch the scene where the chick goes to the eye doctor though because it skeeved me out too much.
- Watched Scary Movie 2 again on TV and it's still got some really funny parts. Every scene with Chris Elliot is hysterical. With his little hand. And he tries to touch everyone's face with his itty bitty hand? See picture above.
- For some reason I watched most of Backdraft on TV the other day. Oh brother what a piece of melodramatic crap. The most laughable being Billy Baldwin's character saying to Kurt Russell's character in the ambulance: "Hold on. Hold on you son of a bitch!" (when he thinks he's about to die)
- Rise of the Planet of the Apes - Holy crap did anyone see this?? The movie overall isn't great but the special effects on the apes is great! Oh my God.
So there you go.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I don’t remember what made me think of this but here’s a story of something that happened when I was 21. It’s one of those stories where you think everything is going really good….and then things go wrong. Terribly wrong.
I was at this college bar called The Rat in West Chester. And I see this girl that was a year ahead of me in high school. She was pretty good looking but I didn’t know her that well. She had been a cheerleader and although we didn’t talk in high school I met her after high school through some mutual friends.
So I see her across the bar and I had a few drinks in me so I go over to ask her to dance. She’s all excited to see me and says, “Yeah! I’ll dance with you!”
She was what one would call “peppy.” Annoying really. But I didn’t care at the time because she was hot.
So we go out onto the dance floor. The dance floor is packed. And from the beginning she was starting to annoy me because it was like I wasn’t even there. She was kind of just dancing to herself.
She started doing cheerleader moves. You know…like kicks. Then moving her arms around like she had pom poms in them. I was thinking, “What the hell is this queer ass dance??” It looked totally retarded. Then people started to back away and give her room. She was making a total spectacle of herself. I forget if people were laughing at her but I think they were.
And she kept getting more and more into it. Doing that jump where both legs bend and go behind you and both arms are into the air. Then single kicks..then…(and I’m not kidding)..she did a cartwheel. On the dance floor.
That’s when I kind of just shamefully backed away into the crowd. Giving a look of, “What the hell is that chick doing?” The song ends and she jumps up and down as if a touchdown was just scored. Gayest fucking thing you ever saw. I think I just said, “OK then. Thanks.” And walked away.
So what do you make of that?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
HAHAHA!!!!!!! What the hell????
Well they do get the message across. So what do you think? Notice those are beer goggles he's wearing.
I think in the outtake he pulls a gun out and kills her.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Here’s an idea for a commercial that I’ll be offering Old Country Buffet*:
- Instead of “All you can eat,” The promotion will be called “All Hugh can eat.”
- And Hugh will be this huge fat fuck. Close to four bills. The following is just a random brainstorming list of some ideas for the commercial:
- Opening of commercial shows Hugh pulling up in his handicap van and hobbling up the six steps to the restaurant. (Stopping twice to catch his breath).
- Huge stands at the hostess table and is greeted by a cheerful hostess who says to Hugh “follow me” – giving the appearance that he’s being seated in a real live restaurant and not a homeless shelter grade dining hall. She reminds Hugh of the “no sharing policy.” She looks at him again and says, “Seriously…no sharing. We’ll find out if you do. And you won’t be able to come back. Are we clear with that?”**
- Hugh drops his oxygen tank at his table and makes his way to the vittles. Mother’s pull children from his path as if guarding them from a charging rhino.
- Hugh wraps his sausage fingers around the dirty ladles and drops food onto his plate: Heat lamp crusted mac and cheese, unseasoned baked chicken, mashed potaters topped with fatty gravy and more….much, much more.
- His plate is loaded. A young chubby lad looks up at him, “Hey Mister, you don’t need to load up your plate THAT much because it’s all you can eat.”
- Hugh looks at the boy, leans down as much as he can and with garlic and cigar breath hitting the kid’s face with the intensity of a CVS handheld hairdryer says, “No mother fucker, It’s all HUGH can eat. You got that? All HUGH can eat. So get the FUCK out of my way!”
- Then cheerfully the announcer explains that although it’s all HUGH can eat, it’s also all YOU can eat. Both really. Hugh AND you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like everyone can eat at Old Country Buffet. Hugh AND you….the person watching the commercial. All creeds too. Seriously. Everyone.
*Commercial to be filmed at the Downingtown Old Country Buffet.
**See what I did there? I worked the problem of sharing right there into the commercial. So it’s crystal clear that people know. Maybe slow zoom in shot of a video camera will follow - with a huge eye peering out. Not sure what it will do to the pacing or tone of the commercial. That decision can be made in editing.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Jesus Christ I can’t believe what I used to wear back in the day. Here was the getup I wore at senior week. I have a picture to prove it but I won’t be posting it.
I’ll start from the bottom and work my way up.
Converse hightops (untied)
Tight ass Levi’s jeans
Belt (thank GOD I didn't have a rock group belt buckle)
Surgical shirt (authentic)*
Blue bandana tied around neck. Ala’ Howdy Doody.
Lightening bolt ear ring.
And I actually hooked up with two chicks wearing that outfit. What were they thinking???*
*look at me saying "authentic" with unbridled pride.
**I ran into the one chick a few years ago. She's looks 10 years older than her age. Found the other on Facebook. She still looks pretty hot.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Yes. I know how to read. I’ve been reading a lot lately as a matter of fact. And one book I’d like to recommend is “I Killed: Top Stories of the Road from America’s Top Comics.”*
It’s basically stand-ups telling their favorite stories from traveling around the country doing comedy. Some of the stories are hysterical.
- Taking a dump in the comedy condo pool.
- Two comedians picked up a drunk chick and had sex with her. They realized the next day she wasn’t drunk. She was actually retarded. Whoops.
- One comedian picked up a chick and brought her back to her apartment. She wanted to be tied up so he did. Then he had to run to his car and get something but when he came back he forgot which apartment she was in. Haha. Guess who is was? Jay Leno! Do you believe that??
Many of the stories are about the nightmares of doing stand-up. Like bombing.
My worst nightmare when I did stand-up was when a fellow comic friend of mine started booking shows. So he booked a show at a college bar near Drexel University in Philly. The problem was that it was the day before Spring break so everyone was out to just party. They had no idea that a comedy show was supposed to even happen so it was like, “Attention everyone. The show is about to start. Hello? Could everyone please keep it down? The show is about to start.”
Oh. And the microphone wasn’t really working so only people five feet away could hear. Everyone was just standing around in groups talking. Drunk. Except five college frat douche bags that pulled chairs up to the front of the stage and as I walked out just started yelling, “You suck. You’re not funny. Nobody is listening.”
Literally the only people that could hear were these five guys. So I was like F this noise and left the stage. The dude booking it was like, “What are you doing? You can’t just walk off stage.”
I was like, “Fuck you Steve. Keep the $20.”
What a joke.
*If you’re local you can check it out of the Chester County Library.
Do you know what’s weird? I’ve never thought Jennifer Aniston was that hot. She’s pretty but something about her personality just turned me off.
I saw her in the movie “Horrible Bosses”*
And I think I liked her because she was super slutty. Not just the extra eyeliner but the character she played. She plays a dentist who’s trying to get her dental assistant into the sack. And she’s all horned up all the time. Sexually harassing him at every turn. Probably the best movie role she’s had really. Actually the only good movie role she’s had because all of her movies stink.
And two Jennifer Aniston questions:
1) Why is she still considered America’s sweetheart?
2) Why do so many magazine’s pull for her to find somebody? There are tons of great guys she could date but she obviously only wants to date another celebrity so if you ask me it’s her own damn fault. What do YOU the reader think?
*check your local listings for showtimes