Being Black On Halloween If You Were In My 5th Grade Class.

Mrs Mantini was full of shit.

She was my 5th grade teacher. There was one black kid in my class. Richard B.

And so on Halloween he dressed up as a dinner table. You've probably seen the costume. You put like a big old piece of cardboard around your head (with your head being the centerpiece). Then you tape paper plates and silverware around the plate.

That's what Richard B did. And he wore a lone ranger mask. And oh yeah, he was black.

So when it came time for Mrs Mantini to guess who everyone was, he was like the 3rd last to get picked. She was like, "Are you Paul Lambert? No? Hmmm. Lets see...are you Kurt Martila?..No? Oh this is hard."

COME ON!!! It was so obvious. Everyone was looking at each other like, "Yeeeah right. How can she not know it's Richard?"

Then she finally guessed him and she was all, "OH MY GOD! I had no idea. And what a great costume!"

Yeah right.

A Very Tenacious Halloween. David Grohl. The Devil. Rocket Sauce.

I think we can agree that one of the scariest things is the devil. And the food at Friendly's. And The Wheel of Fortune. And the chick from the Progressive commercial.

So here's a video to celebrate the spooky holiday of Halloween. I give you... Tenacious D having a rock off with the devil (played by Foo Fighter's Dave Grohl).

Enjoy your rocket sauce.

I Bet This Scares The Hell Out Of You. Devil Stuff. Exorcist 3.

So my new good Blog/Twitter friend Kristen left a link to this post from the Exorcist 3 in the comments section of TBY.

Now for you babies and people with heart conditions, I don't think you should watch the clip because you may start crying or you may die. From heart failure. After you cry.

And it brings me to this question. How can someone NOT be into horror movies? I think the people that aren't are just babies*. Except for people that aren't into movies like Saw which are just junky, gore porn nonsense.

So here you go. Tell me if it scares you:



*i.e. pussies

Horror Movie That You Need To See. Hills Have Eyes. Mutants.

When it comes to horror movies, do you know what REALLY freaks me out? It's not ghosts or serial killers or Larry King.

(yelling from the back): Is it Devil stuff? I bet it's devil stuff.

That might be near the top of the list but what really gets me are deformed mutants. That and mental institution patients. And no better place to see them than in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes.

I'm telling you it's pretty freaky. So what horror movies do you love?

(Here's the trailer. Warning: the trailer's not that scary)

Crescent Mummy Dogs. Uhh..Nice Try. Halloween Hell.

So I'm flipping through the coupon section of the paper this morning and I see the picture for Crescent Mummy Dogs. You can make them using hot dogs and Pillsbury Crescent Rolls. Here's the picture:

Kind of cute but a bit disturbing on so many levels.

So I'm looking for an image online for the Crescent Mummy Dogs and it seems that a blogger ATTEMPTED to make them.

I hope you're sitting down for this. Here's how they turned out:

WHAT THE HELL? Jesus Christ! Did they get in a fight with a rival crescent mummy gang?

And the funny thing is that the person shows the picture and posts the recipe but they don't say, "OK, this is really not how they're supposed to turn out" or "So my son looked at them, started crying and said 'This is not what the Mummy Dogs are supposed to look like..they're..they're.. DEFORMED!'"

I mean..come on. Just look at them.

Bates Motel, Spook Houses In Chester County PA. Scary.

So it's Halloween month. And I'll tell you what I'll be doing - going to the Bates Motel Haunted Hayride. If you live anywhere near Chester County Pa you should check this place out.

I've always loved spook houses and haunted hayrides but to tell you the truth, most are pretty lame. A few year back they had this one attraction that was so horrifying that you're not going to believe it.

You come through the woods and there's a guy that's had his arms chained to a tree stump. He's screaming for help. So of course a maniac comes out of nowhere with a chainsaw and approaches him. He's screaming his lungs off as the chainsaw maniac "cuts off" his arms. Now the kicker is...

..GET READY...HERE IT COMES....

They used a real amputee to play the guy that was having his arms cut off! So he's screaming then he runs up to us screaming, "MY ARMS! HE CUT OFF MY ARMS!..GIVE ME "YOUR" ARMS"! as he's shoving his bloody stumps in the faces of people.

Let me tell you that it was not only frightening but also really disturbing. AND, since I have a phobia of amputees (and sometimes retarded people if they approach me) I have to admit I was pretty scared.

I wonder how many were scarred for life?

Very Important New Year Announcement From West Chester Blogger

I need everyone's help! In my last post I told everyone that "I'll see you next year."

I'm a bit concerned that some of my stupid readers will think that I meant in "one year" or "2010" instead of today, which is actually a day later and is 2009. (Get it? see you "NEXT YEAR"?) If someone could start one of those chain emails to let all of my readers know that I am indeed blogging in 2009 I'd appreciate it.

Thanks.

P.S. Before you do it,take your mask off because Halloween has been over for 2 months.

Sweet Transvestite From Rocky Horror Is A Toe Tapper

When I was in 9th grade, my sister was going to the TLA on South Street in Philly to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show with some freaky new friends. The said that they needed someone to "act out" the part of Dr Scott while the movie was playing. I had no idea what they were even talking about. They told me all I had to do was roll down the aisle in a wheel chair. Little did I know that I would be pelted with a hundred rolls of Scott toilet paper. Stupid jerks.

I was thinking about that last night because the Rocky Horror Picture Show was on TV. Here's my favorite song from the movie. Happy Halloween everybody!

Halloween Prank Gone Wrong - The Video

Note to self: play it safe when doing Halloween pranks by getting somebody else to hide in the trash can. To understand, click here.

Man Clutches Heart At Exton Kmart

So I had to take the dreaded trip to the Exton Kmart the other day to look for some lettuce seeds and I pass this Halloween thing pictured above. I'm looking at it and all of a sudden - and I mean all of a sudden it starts to move and the hands pick the head up out of it's neck socket. It then says something like, "I believe I'm losing my head" or something stupid like that.

Well, it completely catches me off guard and I kind of jump because the sudden movement and sound scared me in the wastelands of the Exton Kmart. I can't remember if I vocalized a mini scream, "ahhh" or not. All I know, just like when you trip and you have to look to see if anyone saw you, I turn around and this old dude is looking at me. I felt like saying,

"Listen old timer. I'm not afraid of this cheese ball monster. Something could have fallen off of the shelf and I would have jumped. I thought I was alone in the home and garden section OK? The sound startled me. That's it! You believe me..right?"

I picture the guy meeting up with his wife later in the store.

Old Lady: Did you find the rope Harry?

Old Man: Yeah I got the rope. And I saw one of those fags too.

Old Lady: A homosexual? In Kmart?

Old Man: Must of been one. He sees a scary trick or treat prop and he almost pissed his pants he was so afraid. And he screeched like a girl. But he was clearly a man.

Old Lady: Oh yeah. That was probably a gay.

Best Halloween Costume Ever Discovered In Downingtown

I did it. I found the best Halloween costume at the Halloween store in Downingtown (right near the Wegmans). Behold it's glory. I'm asking readers not to buy it because when I went to the counter to make the purchase, I didn't have enough money. This costume is $14.99! I'm heading to the bank right after lunch. I know it's a lot scratch to pay for a costume but the way I see it, I'll go this year as "The Billionaire" and next year as "Le Billionaire". I know. Pretty smart.

My only problem is that it's September 24th and I don't think that's going to give me enough time to master that expression that the guy on the bag is doing. Do you know how many takes it probably took to get that pose just right? And he's a pro! I was thinking about just carrying the bag in my pocket, then when I see people, I'll pull the bag out and and say, "You're Fired" - while holding the bag in front of my face. Is that stupid?

I'll have to learn how to say "You're fired" in Spanish for the 2009 Halloween, but I'll get to that after the new year.