Searches that brought people to my blog

I love Google Analytics. I only look at it once a week but it gives great stats on your blog traffic. Here are some of the stranger internet searches that people did that found my blog:

The fattest person in Downingtown


The Village People bulging crotch


People with penis hotdog forks


retarded dude with long hair


bushy Breznev's eyebrows


sad old people


sasquatch woman (proud to say I'm number ONE in the Google rankings for this important creature)


asian nipple colour


black male chubby chasers in Northeastern Pa


do guy friends rub butts?

        And the TOP searches Ive gotten this year? Here are a few:

Jennifer Aniston Horrible Bosses.


Is Bobby Sherman Gay?


Homies (these are small collectible latino toys)


Retarded People


Jim Zibbs (looks like some people are trying to find me. NOTE: My real last name isn't Zibbs)


Eddie Munster


Semonski Sisters (singing chicks from The Lawrence Welk Show)


So there you go.

Mattress Giant In Exton Better Be Prepared. Practical Jokes.

I have to admit I've gotten pretty lame lately when it comes to doing practical jokes. Maybe when my son gets home from college for the Summer I'll see if he's up for doing some. Of course he might say, "Dad I'm too old for that kind of stuff now."

You're NEVER too old for practical jokes.

I guess I was thinking about him and practical jokes when I drove by the Mattress Giant in Exton. When he was about six we were driving by and I said, "Lets pull into Mattress Giant and demand to see the Giant."

He was like, "Yeah! Let's do it!"

"Maybe you can go in by yourself and say, "I demand to see the Mattress Giant and when they refuse you can say 'But he's my real father!'"

"Yeah lets do it. Please? Come on! Pull over!"

He totally would have done it but I guess I was fee feeling responsible that day so I said no. But for the next few months everytime we would drive by we would add scenarios of what we could do. Hmmm. I wonder  if he would still do it?

Most Delicious and Stinky Kitchen Smells Declared By Chester County Man.

What do you think the most delicious and stinky kitchen smells are? Foodwise that is. Mine are....

Delicious: Shallots and garlic cooking in a pan that is being deglazed by white wine. Oh my God. Heavenly. I love the little shallot. And garlic? Couldn't live without it. And deglazing a pan is probably my favorite kitchen task. Next to eating the food. Awwww yeah...up high *looks around for someone to high five*

Stinkiest: And now on to the stinkiest. I guess for me it has to be sour milk. Except it's rare that I smell it because the day it hits the expiration date it's down the sink with you. You stinky bastard. But on that rare occasion that I've dumped it and lumps come out?....Uhhhggg! Makes me ill!

Dream I Had Last Night. Andy Richter and Chris Elliot.

I fell asleep with Conan on last night then woke up in the middle of this dream:

I was at a party and I ran into Andy Richter (who I think is hysterical). We were joking around and then....

Andy: We really should hang out some time. I know we just met but my wife and I have this vacation house and we go almost every weekend with a few people. Why don't you come by?

Me: Sounds good to me. Can I bring a date?

Andy: Sure.

Then all of a sudden Chris Elliot is standing next to him (who I also think he's hysterical)

Chris Elliot: Hey why don't you come to MY vacation house?

Me: (sarcastically) Well it looks like we may have a bidding war on our hands. So what do each of you have to offer?

They both look at me like, "Are you an idiot?" and both start walking away. Andy Richter is heading up an elevator.

Me: OK Andy, maybe I'll just go to the person's house that is closer. Where's YOUR vacation house.

Andy: (Giving me the look of "F You") Wisconsin.

Smash!

Don't Stop Believing. Orangutan.

Could you imagine if I had this baby orangutan as a pet?? I bet I'd have more friends. Can you imagine? I step out of a car and it's all, "Hey Zibbs is here."

Then I'm all, "Not so fast." and I open the door and Harriet jumps out.

It could happen.

Second Levon Helm Tribute. In My Top Ten Songs.

I know I just posted a Levon Helm song but I need to post another. This is another one from The Last Waltz. The Weight. This is probably in my top ten of favorite songs and my top live performance song.

Just tugs at the old heart strings don't you think?

OK. Come comfort me. This song seriously makes me tear up every time I hear it.

RIP Levon Helm. You Were The Best. The Band. Ophelia.

Sad day. Levon Helm from The Band died. Here he is in the Last Waltz singing Ophelia.

And if you haven't watched The Last Waltz you should rent it. Best concert movie ever. (Levon is the singer on the drums)

When I Get Obsessive About Certain Foods. Doc Magrogan's.

I've got a pretty obsessive personality if you haven't figured that out. Especially with food. I'll find something then think about it then eat too much of it then I kind of get sick of it. The foods include:

Pork Carnita's (Don Gabriels).

Pistacios (store bought).

Hot Pork Sandwiches (Luigi and Giovanni's in Newtown Square - Sundays only).

Hand Carved Roast Beef (Nick's Old Original Roast Beef in Springfield, PA).

Sushi (Wasabi in West Chester). I like the spicey tuna and Philly roll best.

And now?.......

Oysters*. MMMMMMMMMM. Those beauties above were purchases at Doc MacGrogan's in West Chester. They have buck a shuck night on Monday's. Oh baby. I'm going to try and not go back for a while though so I don't get sick of them.

And in other food related obsession news I'm super responsive to food commercials. I've been known to watch a food commercial on TV and then turn off the TV and drive to the place that's advertising the food. I haven't done that in a while but I was talking to a friend on Sunday and I was telling her how I rarely drink soda. Well I got so thirsty for soda while we were talking about it that I drove to Wawa and got a fountain soda.

I think advertisers like me.

*This is how I like to eat oysters: Squeeze of lemon, dash of tabasco, dollop of cocktail sauce, slide into mouth then three or four chews to release they're oceany goodness, then swallow (TWSS)

Beer Choices In The 80's. Slim Pickins. Mickey's Malt Liquor.

Remember that beer you see above? Mickey's with the wide mouth? Malt Liquor really but still.

That was one of the few beer choices back in the early eighties. To tell you the truth Mickey's was just a novelty because of the wide mouth but here are the others that were the basic six pack beers. Let me know if I'm missing any....

Miller (the champagne of beers) - We'd sometimes get the pony size.

Bud - Never a fan of.

Michelob - this was a bit pricier but was pretty smooth. Remember pulling the loop off of the label? And if it didn't cut the words off it was good luck or some shit? Jerome Desmond in 10th grade claimed, "Man, NOBODY gets sick on Michelob. It's the way it's brewed!" Then proceded to puke after having four.

Lowenbrau - One of the few fancy ass imports.

Genesee 12 horse - Gross.

Genesee Cream Ale - King of the diarrhea inducing beers.

Molson - Imported from Candada. Known to get easily skunked.

Moosehead - The moose is friggin' loose! This was my favorite in 12th grade.

Heineken - Pricey back in the day. Always had a weird aftertaste but I'll still get one once and a while for the memories.

I'm sure there are a few others but that was about it folks. (Here in Southeastern PA)

Soul Train Dancers Got It. Do You? Erf, Wind and Fire.

OK i'm going to be brutally honest here. You need to know. You're going to try and dress like them...but you're going to look like a fool. You're going to try and dance like them....sadly, you're going to humiliate yourself, them and me.

Just please, enjoy them but do NOT try and emulate the Soul Train dancers:

I Really Need Us To Start Dressing The Same

I need you to know this. We really need to start dressing the same. All the time. The picture above should be our first outfit.

And lets start walking in sync at the beginning too. OK?

This Is A Way I Torture My Daughter. Deodorant.

This is how I've been torturing my daughter. I'll get out of the shower and put pants on (one leg at a time like you guys) then realize I'm out of deodorant. So I'll stand in her doorway and sloooooowly reach my hand in toward her deodorant.

Daughter: Oh no Dad. Please?

Me: (acting surprises) Oh what? Sorry. I just need to borrow some of your precious deodorant.

*Slowly applies deodorant and makes a face as if it's super refreshing*

Me: Awww yeah that's doing it....Yup.. Wait. Why are you making that face? Like you just smelled eggs or saw something gross. Wait? Do you think I'm gross??

Daughter: No...uh...nothing. That's OK.

Me: OK. Let me just finish up here and I'll be on my way. (does one last swipe) Annnnnd DONE!

Sometimes I'll leave the room and come back....

Me: Sorry. I think I missed a spot...

Famous Chester County Blogger Suffers Head Injury.

*Approaches podium*

No. I'm OK...settle down people..settle down.

You might have heard that I was injured recently and am sporting a gash on my forehead. I was NOT in a knife fight. You see, I usually use an atlas in my car as a food tray when I'm eating in my car but today I used this huge binder. It's a huge manual that I tried to slip in a box with books and hand off to the Exton Goodwill until they spotted it. "No manuals Sir!" So I threw it in my backseat.

So after I was done eating (Five Guys Burger and Fries) I heaved this concrete block sized binder into the backseat and the side of it ripped my forehead.

DO NOT PANIC! I'm OK!

The gash is only about an inch long and as thin as a playing card (sideways view) but still. It took a few dabs of a tissue to get the blood off but like I said...I'M OK.

I will now open the room to questions.

The Time I Was Second Choice And Wristbands From The Seventies.

See that beauty in the picture? The wristband? Not the fake hand. Well not to brag but I owned a pair in 3rd grade. A kid named...well....lets call him Heith Kopton in case he's reading my blog.

The way I got them was this....

Heith: Hey Jimmy do you want to come to my house on Saturday for my birthday?

Me: I think I can. I'll have to check.

Heith: OK. My twin sister and I each get to invite one person and I'm choosing you.

Me: (feeling a bit special) Oh OK.

Heith: My first choice was Keith Wright but he can't go.

Me: Oh....OK.

Heith: So that's why I chose you. You're my second choice. Here's a set of wristbands for you. I have a set too. Let's start wearing them.

Hey at least I got some wristbands out of the deal. I wonder what Keith Wright was offered?

And I later did get Heith back for choosing me second by making him laugh so hard at lunch that milk came out of his nose. And he started crying and got pissed at me. That's called Karma you bitch ass!

Oh yeah. And he only had seven and a half toes too. So there's that.

Ben Stiller Melrose Heights. Andy Dick.

One of my favorite comedy series I have on DVD that I can watch over and over is the Ben Stiller Show. Have you seen it?? Check this sketch out:



..and Andy Dick has a great podcast if you didn't know. It's on itunes. Check it out.

Hooked On A Feeling. Three Versions.

In case you forgot. Do NOT Hassel the Hoff!....



But here is the version I really like from BJ Thomas. Come on. Lets dance. Don't be shy.



And then of course you have the version from Blue Swede with the "Hooga Chocka." A bit racist if you ask me.



Which one do you guys like best?

Best Bagel in Chester County. Downingtown Wegmans. And Bagel in Westfield, NJ.

...And kick and two and kick and serve the cream cheese and two and...Oh sorry. I was just thinking about what that bagel logo guy above was probably saying. (And a little ragged on the choppers don't you think?)

That's the bagel logo at Bagel Chateau in Westfield, NJ. I had some the other day when visiting TBY commentors Mr and Mrs Crotchpains. And they were deeeeeelisssshhh!

Here's a picture of the actual bagel:



And look at how the Crotchpains family are all fancy with that plate. I bet they think they're royalty or something. Fancy ass bitches.

And on the subject of bagels you might remember me in a recent post bitching about not being able to find a decent bagel here in Chester County, PA. Well I found one! And guess where I got it? At Wegmans! Man I should have started there on my bagel quest. In case you've never heard of Wegmans they're a regional supermarket chain that I love.

Way to go Wegmans*! Except - as I tweeted you - you really need to get better toasters in your Downingtown store. It takes forever for me to heat my bagel. Other than that you get the THAT BLUE YAK seal of approval.

Oh, if you're wondering what kind of bagel I get? I get the everything. Oh yes I do.

*Also @Wegmans I never heard back from you about me selling you the phrase, "Get your Weg on!" I think I originally proposed $5000 for use of the phrase for two years in all markets. I'm willing to discuss the price but am standing my ground on me being in the commercials.

Rod Stewart. Do You Think He's Sexy? Adam Carolla.

Do you want his body? Do you think he's sexy? Come on baby. Let him know.

Man is that picture disgusting. They've been laughing about it on the Adam Carolla podcast. They'll show it then when people see it they just scream and start laughing. And does anyone listen to podcasts? I should write a post about them. I listen to a lot. What are your favs?

And now here's another Rod Stewart picture below. He looks like somebody's rich Aunt don't you think?

Ricky From Partridge Family. Ricky Segall.

Ahhh-Haaaa!! I KNEW you were Googling your name Ricky Segall from The Partridge Family. So what you been doing for the last 40 years? I heard you were a priest or something.

If you want me to interview you send me an email at Lebner1 at Yahoo dot com.

OK. Keep it real.

West Chester Blogger Considers Boring This Dude About Wolves.

I'd like to go to a party sometime and when I meet some dude all I would talk about would be wolves. Like I would back him into a corner and bore him to tears with wolf facts. The various kinds of wolves, their habits, what they eat, a book idea I have where a a kid is taken in by wolves and he someday has to leave them but meets up with them again when he's older.....

Then when I'm done with the dude I would mingle around the party and say, "What's up with THAT dude? Between you and me he wouldn't shut the fuck up about wolves!"

Then I would leave the party but peek in the window waiting to hear a group of people surrounding the guy and the guy frustratingly saying, "NO! It was that dude in the green shirt that was talking about wolves. Not ME? I don't give a crap about wolves! Right Bill?....Tell them!"

But nobody would believe him.

I might leave a patch of wolf fur on his windshield too. Not sure yet.

Grapefruit Prank Phone Call I Did. Philly Sheraton Hotel.

Man I wish I had recorded some of my classic prank phone calls that I used to make with friends back in the day. I'd be rich I tells ya!

My friends and I would gather around a table and put the phone on speaker and go to town. Here's one call I made at 3:30 in the morning to a hotel in Philly...

Hotel Desk: Sheraton Philadelphia may I help you?

Me: Yes Room 212 please.

Room 212: (Groggy) Hello?

Me: (Super cheerful) Hello there sir this is the front desk and I just wanted to say good morning and remind you that we have a complimentary grapefruit waiting for you down here.

Room 212: (Pause) Are you kidding me? ....It's 3:30 in the morning.

Me: No sir. The grapefruits are free for all of our guests. Are you coming down?

Room 212: Why are you calling me now?

Me: Because of the grapefruit.

Phone hangs up. I dial number again and get put through to the room.

Room 212: Hello???

Me: Well I will tell you one thing. This grapefruit isn't going to eat itself. That would be impossible. Do you even LIKE grapefruit sir?

Room 212: IT'S 3:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING!

Me: No better time for grapefruit. Right?

Click.

Racist Stuff Infuriates Chester County Blogger. Oh Come On Now!

Oh my God I can't believe this. Right in the head!*:


What?? No muss???



Huh?? Why I never!..



Oh come on!...



OK this is just....



*Fun fact: I had a great, great Uncle that was kicked and killed by a mule in the coal mines of Scranton in the 1800's.

Wasabi Restaurant Waiter Gets TBY Award. Bradford Plaza.

I will now open the envelope declaring the winner of the TBY Chester County Unique Waiter Gesture Award (even though the answer is in the title). And the winner is....

The tall waiter from Wasabi Chinese and Japanese Restaurant in Bradford Square Shopping Center (Next to Giant)!!

*Balloons fall from ceiling*

And the reason? Most waiters simply put your food in front of you and say, "Here you go." or "Enjoy."

Not this this guy.

He places the meal in front of you and does this hand motion. The hand is in a fist and then he opens his fingers toward the food - exposing his open hand. Then a very slight raising of the palm. Kind of like what a magician does when he shows you the rabbit that he just pulled out of his hat. Right before he says, "Ta-DAAAA!"

Do you know what I mean? It's like, "I now give you....this food. Behold it's glory."

Not sure if he made this move up or if it's what most Japanese waiters do. Either way, he wins the award. Which means.... all you other waiter's lose. THIS year. Now get to work on your gestures.

Beard Net Wearer Spotted At Chester County Wawa.

Oh man what a treat! I was at my local Wawa today* and saw the deli guy wearing one of those disposable beard nets. And he was acting as if nothing was wrong!

I wonder if they tell you before you start there if you're going to have to wear one or if you go through the training and then they say, "Oh and there's one more thing Carl. You need to wear a disposable beard net."

I bet some people quit. Don't you think? Because it looks so dumb?

And look at this robotlike actor below that I found when I Googled "beard net." What up wid dat?




*I'd tell ya'll the Wawa but I don't want to shame the dude. Being that everyone in Chester County reads this blog and it's super influential and everything.

Dick Van Dyke And Falling Over The Ottoman.

Man I used to love the Dick Van Dyke Show. I wish it was in reruns more.

When I was a kid and it was in reruns I was pretty good at imitating the opening trip scene. Here it is:

Why Don't We Just Dance? Country Style.

When I make my country music video it's going to be me stooping down feeling the dirt in my failed cornfield. I look at the dry dirt and as the wind blows it away I look toward the big city in the distance with anger. Knowing that those God damn city slickers caused this.

The image of my grand pappy appears above me. He's driving his tractor. A tear in his eye.

But until then here's a country song I like. Video is dumb but I like the message.

Vid-e-o dedi-caaaaaaay-tion!

(And sorry in advance if you have to view a short ad first)

True Story Of My High School Typing Teacher. Great Lovers.

See that woman above? It's Mrs Ritchie. My high school typing teacher. Yes....we had typing class in high school. It was right after my Intro to Telegraph and right before Butter Churning.

And the dude below is Remo*. Let me just set the stage. Mrs Ritchie was tough as balls and said what was on her mind. Remo was a dude from Italy that appeared in our school in 10th grade and thought he was hot shit. He thought he was God's gift to women. I swear that in the yearbook he wrote:

Good Looking, "Stud", Hopes to become a great gigalo, Soccer 10.

I'm not shitting you.

So he comes into typing class one day and has a huge hickey on his neck.....

Mrs Ritchie: (Approaches Remo) Remo what the hell is on your neck?

Remo: (In thick Italian accent) It's a hickey. I am a great lover!

Mrs Ritchie: Great lover? You're not a great lover.

Remo: (Can't believe she just said that) No! I AM a great lover.

Mrs Ritchie: (Casually) Nope. Great lovers don't leave hickeys. You're no great lover.

Remo: YOU ARE WRONG! I AM A GREAT LOVER!!

Mrs Ritchie: Naaa. You just THINK you're a great lover.

Remo: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! I AM THE BEST!

Mrs Ritchie: Nope. I'm afraid you're wrong on that one. OK everyone turn their workbooks to page 23.

I thought he was going to punch her in the face or say, "I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU HERE AND NOW!! YOU'VE DISRESPECTED ME IN FRONT OF THIS CLASSROOM OF MY PEERS!"

Could you imagine that conversation going on today. There'd be a friggin' lawsuit.

*And for the record "Charles F Linder" is the person in the picture ABOVE Remo.

The Whip Tavern Makes A GOOD Hot Pastrami Sandwich.

I went to the Whip Tavern on Saturday for lunch. It's a quaint little place. It's hidden in the rolling hills of Chester County. Customers include horse people, bike riders, motorcycle riders and people with bad teeth that want to pretend they're actually in England. I wish it were a bit larger because you're really packed in but it's pretty cozy. And it really feels like and English pub. Just don't yell "Put some more shrimp on the barbi!" because that's actaully an Autralian thing.

I had the hot pastrami sandwich which is hot pastrami and swiss on marbled rye. Mmmmmm - MMM! It was good. (See picture below).

I'm not sure if you can get pastrami all over the country. There aren't too many places that serve it in Chester County. It's actually pretty easy to make though. It's basically a beef brisket that you cure for a few weeks then you smoke it. Need to put that on my list of "things to cook."

Chester County Man Sees The Artist At The Downingtown Theater.

Oh my God did you guys see the movie The Artist? If you didn't then rush out and see it! I didn't think I was going to love it but I did. Oh. And that's Berenice Bejo in the picture above. She's one of the stars.

It was such a great movie. After yelling for the first five minutes, "We can't heeeeaaaaar it....Turn the sound up pleaaaaaasse..." I realized it was a silent film and settled in. And you would think that being a silent film would make it boring but it didn't. It's just a really touching story. But I don't think I would have loved it so much if it weren't for the two lead actors. Just great performances and so likeable.

I think I'll add it to my favorite movies of all time which include: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, American Beauty, Waiting for Guffman, Goodfellas and uhhh...uhhh.. God that's all I can think of now. I'll add some more in the comments when I remember.

Now back to Berenice Bejo. Oh baby. Just love her. But I'm a sucker for women with perfect features, big eyes, face that lights up when they smile and you can tell that they're super sweethearts. And her character has a great sense of humor in the film too. So she's got it all.

Yup. That's my type. Here's another picture of her:

Something To Cheer You Up. Van Der Beek.

When you're in a meeting today....

And things are really intense.....

Try not to laugh.....

When you think of this: