Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Today Is Inventor's Day And I've Got Another Invention! Birds.

Tis' true. Today, September 29 is Inventor's Day. It's celebrated in Argentina and it's on the same day as the birthday of the inventor of the ballpoint pen.

Well move over Laszlo Hoszsef Biro (inventor of the ballpoint pen) because I will now unveil by invention for solving our planet's energy problems.

I give you:



...wait for it




...a little more



"The Dr Zibbs Energy Birds"



OK. It looks just like the drinking bird * that my sister Joan had when she was a kid but my DR ZIBBS ENERGY BIRDS will be fifty feet high and they'll be branded with the prestigious Dr Zibbs name.

Now I don't know how these drinking birds drink - I mean - who really does - but they do work. I've seen them doin' their stuff in person. So why not make them 50 feet high and line our streets with them? Of course you have to hook their up and down movement to something to capture all of their up and down drinking energy. What are they called?.. generators or something? ..You know what I mean...they "capture" energy then they....put it in that...in that thing.. You know. The thing that holds energy until me and you are ready to use the energy.

Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. It's that thing.

So there you go. Does anyone really see a down side? I can't think of one.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to go daydream about being in a parade that will soon me held in my honor as appreciation for my invention.

*practices waving and throwing hard candy to the crowds*

P.S. If anyone would like to leak this story to the press, I'd like my official title to be: "Dr Zibbs -the Eli Whitney of Drinking Bird Technology".

*I think my parents gave us toys like this in an attempt to trick us into Science. It didn't really work.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Hungarians Really Know How To Ruin A Sausage Commercial

This Hungarian commercial for sausages is really stupid. It's just just dumb.

It's so dumb you would think it was made by....by....by Pollocks.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Olivia Newton John. Midnight Special and Dating.

I kind of forget but I think I may have dated Olivia Newton John.

*reflects*

No. No I didn't. I thought I might have but I just remembered that I didn't.

But look how hot she looks here when she was on The Midnight Special. It's a terrible song and her dancing is pretty bad but boy does she look great.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Mason Reese. Post Raisin Brand Commercial.

I just have the funny feeling that when the ad execs cast Mason Reese in this 1975 Post Raisin Bran commercial they knew he was kind of goofy.

They must have. Probably some kind of cruel inside joke.

Stupid, cocky mid 70's ad execs.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

CONTEST! Dead People. Classy Lawns.



WE'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT CONTEST HAPPENING OVER HERE.

I saw one of those "Lordy Lordy - look who's Forty" lawn things the other day. You know, where it's a big wooden cow then 40 little cows. Hmm....real clever.

They also have them when you have a baby with a bunch of little storks.

Well I have a better idea. It's probably really uncomfortable when a loved one dies and you have to tell all of your neighbors. Sure, you can go door to door and tell them or leave flyers in their mail boxes but do you know how time consuming that is? You're going to be plenty busy deciding if your loved one is only worth getting carnations for the funeral and searching your home for any hidden money the deceased may have stashed away. Greedy bastard.

Wouldn't it be much easier to display crappily painted wooden lawn art out front to announce that someone died? Sounds easy to me. Here are a few ideas:

- Grim Reaper running after person with caption, "You can run but I'm gonna catch you!"

- Miniature coffins.

- Angel, Devil and huge wooden question mark. Painted on the question mark are the words, "You decide". Maybe there can be a ballot box so neighbors can decide if they think the person is going to heaven or hell.

- Cute baby holding up finger with caption, "He was only dis old". (Sure, the baby might have 73 fingers but the whimsy of the piece will help to cheer people up during this difficult time).

These are just a few I came up with. I need to think of some more. Do you guys have any ideas?

This is where the contest part comes in. I will write, "(insert your name here) won the contest!" in the comments area. You can then print out my congratulatory comment and proudly frame it in your home.

Good luck!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

TV's Chris Burke Stars In A Very Important WW2 Play..



"Get Your Eclair's Ready Cause You're Next France!" - a very special Hitler performance starring Chris Burke.

Naaa. Naaaa. Naaaa.

(I just added the picture as my background on Twitter and tweeted the above line. It cracked even my own bad self up that I had to share it)

Monday, September 21, 2009

Why Can't Dr Zibbs Eat? Please Help Me With Food Issue.



So I'm at our dinner club Saturday night and guess what happens?

(reader): You start telling stories and have everyone cracking up?

Yeah but I'm talking about at dinner. OK I'll tell you. Within one minute of eating, I spill red sauce on my white shirt. Why Lord? And don't say because I shouldn't wear white after Labor day and it was God's way of punishing me.

I really can't figure it out. I don't eat faster than other people. I'm not clumsy in other areas of my life - like I'm not always tripping over things and dropping things. I just don't get it.

I eat at a normal pace but I'm always spilling things. If I'm eating a Buddy Burger the insides slip out then it splatters on me. If I'm not at my house or with close friends I wouldn't even think about eating chicken wings. It ends up all over my face AND I need ten napkins just to clean myself up while I'm eating. How the hell do you people eat chicken wings at a restaurant with your nice and neat delicate bites?
I've studied people and I still can't figure it out.

The only thing I can figure out is when I spill stuff in my car because everything is on the atlas that's sitting on my lap and I'm multi tasking while I'm driving. Remember the Sausage Gumbo incident of 08? (to read, click the word spill)

Maybe I need to video myself eating and take it to an expert. I don't know.

Does anyone have any theories?

Friday, September 18, 2009

Somebody To Love. I Need A Karaoke Song. Queen.

Just like a boy scout, you need to be prepared. And I'm not prepared...if I walk into a bar sometime and karaoke is happening and people are like, "Come on Zibbs! You need to get up there and do a song!"

I'm really unprepared. I've only done Karaoke in public twice. The first time was in Media PA after being out for a friend's birthday. We had come back from Philly in a limo (classy) and everyone was pretty fired up. A group of us did The Weight - by The Band.

It was one of the worst things you ever heard. They were so throwing me off. Terrible.

The second time was in China. Karaoke is HUGE in China. So we were out with some factory reps and interpreters and they took us to this karaoke place. It was a freestanding building just dedicated to Karaoke. We had our own room. I forget what song I did but it was a Motown song. They clapped like crazy but it was not a great performance.

So here's a song that I might need to practice - Queen's, "Somebody to Love" as performed my George Michael. You know..so I'm prepared and all.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Disney Characters And Real Life Foot In Mouth Story.




So when I was in product development I used to make lots of Disney products. On one collection I had a sculptor from Connecticut working on these miniature Disney characters. The problem was that when she would ship the clay sculptures, she wouldn't pack them well enough. It always seemed that the noses were getting smooshed.

So every other day or so I'd go up to our design studio and have one of the in-house sculptors fix the nose on the character before I had it molded.

The in-house sculptor was this really sweet Hungarian woman. So the "joke" would go like this:

Me: Eva? Is Eva Around?

Eva: Another nose job?

Me: Yup. Snow White needs a nose job.

And this continued. I'd come in and it would be, "OK, lets give this guy a nose job"

Until.....(get ready..here it comes)

I open up one of the sculptures one day, it's a bit smooshed so I do the usual and go up to our design studio.

Me: Eva...I've got something for you (talking louder than usual for some reason)

Eva: Do you need a nose job?

Me: No. I NEED A HAND JOB!

It was one of those moments that the second it was coming out of my mouth I was trying to put my words back in. She had no clue what I was talking about but a sea of heads started to emerge from cubes and out of doors. It was like a scene from a movie. The only thing missing was this: click here.

Obama Calling Kanye West A Jackass.

In case you didn't hear Obama calling Jackass Kanye West a Jackass - here it is:

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Ground Floor Biz Opportunity - Hearing Ear Birds.



Blind people got it made. You know - with the seeing eye dog and all.

Well not really but some of them get the dog which is probably pretty cool.

Deaf people though - they get nothing. Until now. Ladies and Gentleman I give you...

The Hearing Ear Bird.

It's very similar to the seeing eye dog but it's a bird. And it's for hearing. Not seeing. At first I was thinking about using the ostrich but they can be very hard to train so I might have to try a few different birds out.

Maybe the parrot's the way to go. So like if a deaf person - let's say her name was Polly - was hungry for lets say - a cracker and she couldn't communicate that to the cracker vendor because sometimes deaf people talk in a way that people can't understand like, "I one cwaker"* - the bird in this case would be able to step up to the plate and aid in getting that cracker.

Please contact me privately if you'd like to get in on the ground floor of this money making business. I will need people to invest, people to train birds and people to find deaf people. Please figure out which area you'd like to help with BEFORE you call as time is money.

OK. I'll go wait by the phone now.

*Translation:
I want cracker.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Don't Forget..This Is Is Rock. The Who. VMA.

If you're watching the VMA's right now, remember that this is what rock is:

Friday, September 11, 2009

Animal House and John Belushi.

Laziest post ever: Look. It's Animal House.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

What The Hell?! Some Dude Is Driving Down West Chester Pike On Tire Rim!




So this morning I'm driving down West Chester Pike which is a pretty busy road. I hear this weird scraping. I look in front of me and some dude was driving down the road with no driver side back tire.

He was driving on the metal rim!

So I drive up next to him to take a picture so I can tweet it. Then I honk so I can tell him that he's a dumbass - and he's driving on his rim. But he doesn't look over at me. Then I just start laughing my ass off thinking about what the cop is going to say to him. So I get in front of him and slow down. He actually passes me. I started to follow him but I had to be somewhere but I'm dying to know if he made it do his destination or if he got pulled over.

Has anyone ever seen anything like this? Do you think he knew he was driving on the rim or he was just ignoring my honks? He did look like he was on drugs.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Check Out These Crazy Tattoos! Comic Book Guy.

Other then having, "GOOGLE THIS: THAT BLUE YAK" tattooed on your balls, tattoos are pretty stupid.

Not really. I can see if you're a biker or a rocker. Or the tramp stamp is kind of cool. Or one or two. But for God's sake think before you ink! I think I just coined a phrase, "Think Before You Ink". Not too shabby Zibbs.

Anyway, here's a video with some crazy tattoos - dedicated to SkylersDad - who always finds the best tattoos around the web.



I think my favs are the brain under sardine jar and the Comic Book Guy. Classic.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Father Kelly and My Christina Applegate Connection. Twitter.





So as I mentioned last week, Sarah Silverman is following my Father Kelly character on Twitter:
http://twitter.com/FatherKelly

So the drama continues. On Friday, I noticed that I was getting a few followers every minute. I couldn't figure it out until someone DM's me and told me that Chistina Applegate (AKA @1capplegate) mentioned me on Twitter. She said:

#followfriday umm seriously funny @fatherkelly to any of my catholic followers, please do not take offense. all in good fun

Pretty cool huh? And she only follows 45 people. I look though her feed and she's mentioned Sarah Silverman so I think she found me on the list of who Sarah Silverman is following.

Then, to add the icing on the cake, I get a message from someone at Paste magazine saying I was listed in an article titled, "The Top 10 Unique, Funny or Usefull Twitter Users You Should Follow Right Now". They wrote,

5. Father Kelly - FatherKelly
In which someone in Chester County, Pa. pretends to be a Catholic priest to make religion-themed jokes.
Unique, Funny or Useful: Funny
Best Recent Tweet: A Carnie asked me to bless him. I panicked and said "Uhh..let me go get my magic wand". Then I avoided him.
Runner Up: This is BULLSHIT! I wasn't LEARING at Sister Anne while she was eating that banana! I just happened to be in stare mode!
Extra Credit: The CCD nerds gave me some "art" made from dry macaroni and yarn. Helloooo trashcan.

(To read the entire article, click: here )The weird thing is, I've had my blog since 2006 and no famous people read it (except for this person). Just you guys. I start Twitter with the Father Kelly character and I get two famous people reading it and a magazine mention. What gives?

So who would like to guess what's going to happen next?

(Please don't say "nothing").

And I know it's a bit premature, but once I get 20 famous people reading my Tweets I'm going to have a big party with them and...are you ready for this?...With 20 of you!

So please let me know what YOU can add to the party if I invite you. I will also tell you up front that you might also have to share with the catering duties. It depends how much the party costs.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Kid at West Chester McDonalds Needs To Watch This Film

So my son said he walks up to the McDonalds a few weeks ago on Gay Street in West Chester and he's greeted by the young cashier like this,

"So what the fuck do you want?"

I swear to God. My son didn't really give a crap but we do laugh every time we drive by that McDonalds now.

I think that young whippersnapper at the McDonalds could use this McDonalds refresher course:

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Does This Song Make You Cry? Andrew Gold Lonely Boy.

I heard this Andrew Gold song today on the radio, Lonely Boy. I haven't heard it in years.

Does it make you cry..for me? Because you think I'm a lonely boy? ...Go ahead. Shed your tears. It's OK. Let it out.

OK. That's enough. Now go get a tissue and clean yourself up.

Friday, September 4, 2009

I'm Famous! Kind of..Breaking News! Sarah Silverman and Twitter.




OK. Hold on and try not to get too excited.

What do the following people have in common:

John Stamos
Blues Traveler
Dave Attell
Judd Apatow
Larry David
And ME have in common?

These people are all being followed by Sarah Silverman on Twitter. It's true. The alter ego that I made up last week on twitter called @FatherKelly is being followed by @SarahKSilverman. And she only follows 116 people.

Don't believe me? Go to my page on twitter here:
http://twitter.com/FatherKelly

I want everyone to know that since I'm probably going to get a call to move to Hollywood soon, I'm not going to forget you people. Well, I won't be able to take your calls or anything because of my new status but I will occasionally skim your blogs.

See you in Hollywood chumps.

..I mean chums

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

HR Puffnstuff and The Krofft Brother Bastards.

So the other day my son says he was looking forward to the new season of shows he likes.

I was telling how it was a huge deal back in the day when the new shows were coming out. When I was a kid they used to have shows that previewed the shows that were coming up. And for all the hype it was pretty exciting as a kid.

And Saturday morning was a whole thing in itself. Especially those jackass Krofft Brothers. Even as I watched those stupid shows I knew I was hating every moment of it but I couldn't look away. Look at how crappy this opening for HR Puffnstuf was. It was awful!:



So is anyone a Krofft Brothers fan? Like you really enjoyed it? For more craptacular fun, check out the Saturday preview show by clicking here. It's just embarrassing!