Paul F Tompkins Appears in Dream of West Chester Blogger. Carvel.

The other night I was listening to comedian Paul F Tompkins* on the Doug Benson podcast. Which lead to this weird ass dream:

*cue wavey dream lines*

(I walk into my parents house and Paul F Tompkins is in a wheelchair)

Me: Hey Paul what are you doing here?

Paul: Hey Jim. How are you? I'm just here for your family's pool party.

Me: Well why aren't you out at the pool?

Paul: I didn't want to ask anyone to help me outside. You know..with the wheelchair and all. It's OK though. I can hear them from here.

Me: Oh OK. Hey do you want to split the rest of this Fudgie the Whale cake with me?

Paul: Sure! And that's funny you bring up Fudgie the Whale because I was just reading an article recently about how Carvel almost went out of business.

Me: Really? Why?

Paul: I'm not sure. The article didn't say.

This is when I just kind of froze. Because I was thinking "You read an 'article' about them potentially going out of business and they didn't say why? Seems like you probably just read a blurb on Yahoo but you're trying to convince people that you read an entire article."

I found it kind of sad in a way.

Me: Hmmm. Well Paul, I'm on my way to Delaware to pick up some crawfish but have fun.

Paul: OK. Bye.

*And yes. As I mentioned before on this blog I know PFT in real life from when I did stand up back in "the day." (Note quotes around the words "the" and "day.")

I STARTED A BAND!! Here's A Video. CORKY!!!

I started a band!!! Here's a video. That's me there on the left.

Naaaaaaaa. Naaaaaa. Naaaaaaa. That's not me. I posted this video on my blog a few years ago and just wanted to share it with everyone again. What do you think?

Ayyyyy! The Fonz Saves Joanie From A Rape. Yeah Right.

Yeah right. And also...look what she was wearing. As if she didn't want it.

And why was the Fonz feeling her shoulders up to calm her down. So many questions that will never be answered.

Chinese Lady Had Me Cracking Up! Silent, Shoulder Shaking Laughing.

I was at the library today and I was on the computer and there was a super loud lady giving a Chinese lady English lessons. As in teaching her how to speak English. It's all you could hear because she was talking so loud.

And I started cracking up and almost had to leave because this happened:

Instructor: The word is "huge." Say it. "Huge."

Chinese Lady: Hoog.

Instructor: No. "Huge."

Chinese Lady: Hoog.

Instructor: Huge.

Chinese Lady: Hoog.

Instructor: No. Like this, "Huuuuuge."

Chinese Lady: Hooooog.

HAHA!! So I finally calm down from my silent, shoulder shaking laughing and I hear the instructor mention what a synonym was. But at first I thought she as saying "cinnamon" and thought she was going to make the Chinese woman say "cinnamon!"

HAHAHA!!! She can't get "huge" down and you're going to have her attempt "cinnamon????" WHAT THE HELL???

Then I couldn't stop laughing so I had to leave.

Chester County Man Lists Lame Assed Bucket List. Goats.

I've been thinking of writing a bucket list but haven't. I do have one major one that is totally going to happen soon but it ain't none of your alls beeswax.

But in lieu of the bucket list I've decided to make a "bucket list junior." These are things that are bucket-listesque but shorter term and easily obtainable. Here we go:

- Make homemade cheese.

- Watch Madmen. (I know I'll love this show and I think I even have the channel on Verizon but have no idea what time it's on. I'm sure I'll like it)

- Get a BJ in a dressing room. (Leaning toward Victoria's Secret. Leaning against Value City)

- Learn a French phrase that I can say in a smart ass way then say it to someone and just walk away. And there will be a crowd and people will think, "Holy shit that Mother F'er speaks French??

- Make a few videos and put them on the Youtube.

- Give a crying Indian chief a tissue.

- Tell more people in a movie theater to "stop talking." Kind of hooked from when I did it a few months ago.

- Walk into a room naked except I'm wearing a sock over my junk and pretend I don't know what people are talking about when they're all, "What the?? What are you doing???"

- Play with a goat.

- Master a Burt Reynold's imitation.

- Get a disguise (including a wig) and go somewhere and trick people. Using an accent and everything. Then maybe go back into the place as me and get the people to talk about the disguised me.

There you go. Just a little off the cuff. Leave your short term goals in the comments and I'll judge you. If you want. Leave a "J" after your list if you want honest feedback.

I Finally Found That Paul Williams Thing!! Song. Old Fashioned.

I found it!! For years...and I mean YEARS.. I'll sing to myself an imitation of Paul Williams doing "Old Fashioned Love Song."

And I never knew if I made it up or not. I remember Paul Williams was on The Odd Couple once and was thinking that's maybe where I heard it from but nope! He did it on The Muppets Show. But I'm kind of disappointed I didn't make it up.

I really need to figure out how to put audio clips on this blog because I would totally post my imitation. Anyway, this is what it sounds like:

How I'm Feeling Right At This Minute

The Potholder Story. The Child. Guy's Weekend.

I think my friend "The Child" has to be the ultimate bachelor. A few years ago we were having a guy's weekend at his place in Maryland. Right near the water. A boat. Sweet deal. While a few of the guys were making crabs here's what happened:

Dave: Child where are your potholders?

Child: Right in the drawer below the microwave.

Dave: (opens draw and horrifyingly holds something up) What the hell is this?

Child: What? I use them as potholders.

Dave: YOU USE YOUR OLD UNDERWEAR AS POTHOLDERS???!!

Child: (acting as if Dave is being a big baby) Oh cooooooome on nooooow! Who doesn't use their old clothing for things around the house??

Dave: Yeah maybe an old T-shirt to dry your car not tighty whiteys as potholders!!

I swear this happened. HAHAHA!! I always picture him having a date over and he romantically is making his date dinner and he says, "Would you mind handing me a potholder out of that drawer? And she kind of dreamily reaches for the drawer....."WHAAAAA????"

Chester County Movie Wrap Up. Footloose and The Thing.

So my daughter and I were going to have a Father/Daughter afternoon and see Footloose but she bailed on me. Her "excuse" was "I really have no interest in that movie Dad." And to top it off, she never even heard of the original. Kids.

And I really wanted to see that but was too embarrassed to go myself. And too lazy to pull a disguise together. And you don't just get a disguise and walk into the movie. You need to have a voice that matches the disguise. Like if you bump into someone you can't just say, "Oh excuse me" in your regular voice. It's pretty involved. Waaaay to much work for a Sunday.

So instead I saw "The Big Year" With Steve Martin, Jack Black and What's his name Wilson. I'm into birds and all but the movie was a borefest.

But I did sneak into the remake of the The Thing. And it was great! As horror movies go. Really good story. Suspenseful. Crazy ass monsters and shit. Good stuff. And I see most horror movies that come out. So I'm kind of an expert.

And Mary Elizabeth Winstead is pretty darn cute in it if you ask me. That's her pictured above.

So I DO think you should see this movie. Let me know what you think if you do. Here's the trailer for it:

West Chester Man Reveals Movie Trailer That Is Him. Stunt Rock..

If someone asked me to play a movie trailer that would illustrate who I am it would have to be.....



You gotta admit that the narrator is KICK. ASS!!

And look at that wizard! And thanks to TC for introducing me to this. How did I never hear of this thing?

West Chester Man Wonders About This Olive Grabber. Crime.

I wonder if some guy was at a party one time and he hid behind a window drape. Then...at just the right time... when some snobby ass lady was standing within his reach, he sloooooowly extended the olive grabber (see picture above) that he was holding and grabbed her nip:

Snobby Lady: (slaps face of monocle wearing chap she's talking to) WHY. I. NEVER!

Monocle Guy: (shrugs shoulders) WHAT????

The then the dude with the olive grabber stealthily climbed out the window and escaped into the night.

The perfect crime.

Will The Best Children Please Come Up Here? Triplets.

Man. Time flies. My son is already in college. And happy to report that except for one B he has all A's. Phew!

But was thinking about a story his first grade teacher told me about him years ago. There was a set of triplets in the first grade. Their last name was Best. So on the first day two of the triplets were in her class when only one was supposed to be in her class. So she says, "Would the Best children please come up to my desk?"

So the two Best boys walked up to her desk. She told the one that he was to go to another class. Then she looked behind them and my son was standing there. And then...

Teacher: Oh and who are you?

Son: Jack Zibbs.

Teacher: And why did you come up here?

Son: Because I'm one of the best children.

Haha!! He thought she meant the best as in the best kids in the class.

Meh. Maybe you had to be there but it was pretty cute when she told it.

I Haven't Smelled Vick's Vapo Rub in Years.

I haven't smelled Vick's Vaporub in years! But I love the smell of it. It reminds me of when I was sick as a kid. I remember opening the jar and taking a big ole' whiff. You've got to admit it's got a pretty distinctive smell. I've been tempted to smell it. Maybe next time I go to a supermarket I'll open one up and get some smelling in.

And I just recently discovered now that it's Vick's VAPO rub and not VAPOR rub. Also, who the hell is Vick? They should have used Vick Tayback (Mel from Alice) on the label. Just sayin'.

OK. That's all I got for you.

Chester County Baby Starts Bawlin' To Bee Gees Song

God I'm a baby. I saw the movie 50/50 this weekend and cried 7 times.

There was an old lady next to me and she pulled a tissue out. I was waiting for her to say, "Do you want a tissue sonny?" Worst of all is that I had one cry that was an outburst and I had to contain myself. Ha!

And on top of it all they had the Bee Gees song "To Love Somebody" in it. And I LOVE song. That got the old water works going too. That song always gets me. Just really emotional these days for various reasons.

So get your tissues out and take a listen.

Chester County Man Wonders if Others Have Had The Snickers Ice Cream Cone.

Hmmmm. I wonder if any of you guys have had the Snickers Ice Cream Cone?

*wavy dream sequence starts as we all run through a field eating delicious Snickers Ice Cream Cones*

I really don't eat that much ice cream. We haven't had it in my home freezer in a few months but some showed up the other week so I had a few bowls. On separate sittings. What? Do you think I'm a pig or something?

I've found when I eat BBQ food I sometimes crave ice cream. Isn't that weird? Anyone else experience that?

So the other week I was getting a craving and I stopped by my local WAWA and picked up a Snickers Ice Cream Cone. A bit pricey at $2.19 but I'm worth it. And it's not gourmet or anything but it's pretty good. With all of the textures.

But look out. In the center there's a sliver of chocolate that's pretty hard. I could see someone chipping a tooth. Just warning you.

And on other ice cream related news I've had a few DQ hot fudge sundaes this year. Hey, I don;t care.

I will now take ice cream recommendations. And I will write a review of one of them.

So you got that.

This Sounds Like A Fake Story But It's Not! Ohh I Get No Respect. Rodney Dangerfield

Do you know those stories that someone tells you and you think, “That didn’t happen?” Like it’s always a friend of a friend? Well here’s one that sounds incredible but it DID happen because I confirmed it with the actual person. Here we go…..

This dude Norm was on a first date with a girl. He was kind of nervous. So they go to her house and there was some type of family event going on. So as he’s there he’s being introduced to various people. At one point the girl says, “Norm this is my sister Mary.”

Norm turns around and the girl approaches him. She’s shaking a bit and in an odd voice says, “Hi Norm I’m Mary.”

He starts cracking up and says, “OH MY GOD THAT’S GREAT!! PULL THE TIE!! PULL THE TIE!!

It turns out he thought she was doing an impression of Rodney Dangerfield but she actually had Cerebral Palsy.

I SHIT YOU NOT!

And another time Norm was running late for a funeral in high school and his Mom was like, “Hurry up Norm!” then looked at the front of his suit pants and says, “What’s all over your pants??”

Turns out Norm had dry humped some chick at a wedding the week before and…well..you know.

And DAT is DAT!

(and that picture is the Facts of Life chick that had Cerebral Palsy. What's her name again? Jerry something?...)

West Chester Man Declare's Nick's Roast Beef Sandwich In Springfield DEEELISH!

Sweet Jesus, son of Mary, Son of God, closely related to the Holy Ghost do I LOVE the roast beef sandwich at Old Original Nick's Roast Beef in Springfield, PA.

Just look at it. Oh my God it's so good. I've been there a bunch of times but went last week and took these amazing photos. I wish there was a place in Chester County that served hand cut roast beef like this on a great roll and topped with gravy. And prove and horseradish.

The closest thing is the Blarney Stone but they use deli meat. It's not even close.

I tried to duplicate it at home a few months ago but found out later that they cover the beef in fat before roasting it. AND they puree vegetable into the gravy.

Oh. And when I was there, I was wearing a white dress shirt and some lady kept looking at me and then finally said, "I hope you don't get any gravy on that nice white shirt." Uh. OK

Also I learned that blue collar Irish people talk REALLY loudly. Seriously, keep your voices down.

Anyways, it's a tasty ass sandwich. To read a detailed review from a local blogger that I know click here.

West Chester Dancer Confesses Dance Thing Concerning Lawrence Welk

Um. OK. I've got something to tell everyone.

If you're a reader of my blog you know that I love to dance. And I talk about my skills. Or "Skilz" as many negro wannbees call it.

But sometimes you see a man like Billy Burgess and you...and you basically feel like a fool. Because you wonder if you can ever get to this higher dance level that this Lawrence Welk dancer has gotten to.

Basically he's light years away from me in technique and soul. And soul CAN'T be taught. I'm told. I thought I had it but I think now I may not have it. Whatever IT may be.

This should explain what I'm talking about:

West Chester Man Considers Using Mr Furley For Fashion Redesign. Fashion.

So I've been thinking about looking at Mr Furley (Don Knotts) from Three's Company as a starting point for updating my wardrobe. I mean not like TOTALLY taking his look but just taking the cool parts and bringing it into the 2011 zone.

Do you know what I mean?

What?

No! Not like like his TOTAL look. I KNOW that looks dumb! I'm talking about taking the essence and updating it. Do you you know what I mean?

No? Well I'm going to like take the scarf and I'll..It's hard to explain. Like the big assed demin collars I have this idea to...

Oh forget it! FUCK YOU!!

The Dude That Makes My Pork Sandwich Is A Dick.

So some Sundays I drive and get this tasty ass pork sandwich. And the dude that makes the pork sandwich has a major attitude.Like he’s pissed that he has to make it for me. I should be pissed at HIM. Jerk. I’ve learned the basic questions that he asks so I order in the way to answer the questions he asks EVERYTIME but he still doesn’t listen.

Here’s how it goes:

Miserable Sandwich Maker: So what do you want? (as if I’m taking up his time)

Me: One pork sandwich with cheese and hot peppers.

Miserable Sandwich Maker: Just one?

Me: Just one.

(Then he starts to make it. In slow motion. If he sees something that interests him he stops preparing the sandwich and looks off in the distance at the thing that interests him. Then he slowly goes back to making it).

Miserable Sandwich Maker: You want hot peppers on this?

Me: Yes (even though I already told him)

Then, when he’s done he shoves that bag in my face and with attitude and without making contact says, “Here you go Pal.”

So do you know what I do? When I go in and pay it goes like this:

Cashier: Yes what’s in the bag?

Me: A pork sandwich.

Cashier: With cheese?

Me: No.*

Sticking it. To. The. Man.

Now I know I’m only ripping them off for 80 cents but that more than makes up for the dude being a dick. Don’t you think?

Except I thought I was going to get busted last week because he asked me if I wanted cheese (after I already stated I did) and he went inside. A few minutes earlier he told me to go pay for it while he was making the sandwich. I already told the cashier I didn’t have cheese so I started to panic. Like he was on to me and was going in to check if I stated that I wanted cheese. Then maybe call the fuzz.

But he came back out. Turns out he had just ran out of cheese and was getting more.

If he called me on it I was gonna act all groggy and confused and say, “Cheese? What? Oh sorry. I didn’t know what she was asking.”

Phew!

* Sometimes I feel like getting cocky when they ask if I have cheese and in a loud, bellowing voice say, “Do I have cheese on this sandwich? Not me. Nope. Just pork and long hot peppers. Just those two ingredients. You see… I don’t care too much for cheese mind ya’. Watching the ole’ waist line if you know what I mean. So no. The answer to that question concerning the addition of cheese is absolutely not. I do NOT have cheese on this sandwich. Now please tally up my pork and pepper sandwich so we can settle this transaction and I can be on my merry - cheese free - way.

Are Drinking Straws Really Necessary? Looks Kinda Gay If You Ask Me.

If you think about it, it's pretty strange that when you go to a restaurant and they give you a water or a soda that they also give you a straw. You don't use a straw at home but when they put them in front of you most people open them and use them.

Not me though. Maybe because when I was 18 I was drinking out of one and my brother-in-law said, "You look pretty gay drinking out of that straw." Then he imitated me. And if you think about it, most dudes look pretty fem drinking out of straws. I never saw Clint Eastwood drinking from a straw. It's OK for you ladies but if you're a dude? I suggest you just get whatever's in that glass the old fashioned way.

Of course the exception is a Slurpee. And sometimes a milkshake.

And why aren't crazy straws as popular as they used to be?

Oh, and those cocktail straws? I don't think they were ever meant for a person to sip out of. Right? They're more for stirring.

And why do a feel like this stupid post is something that Andy Rooney would write?

Hey Mr Crotchpains Do You Have Two Nuts? Sesame Street.

If you didn't know, TBY commentor Mr Crotchpains and I went to college together. He used to sing this Sesame Street song about having two eyes and other "two" things. I have no idea how it popped into my head.

Remember it?

West Chester Man Reveals His Lunch Box. Yellow Submarine.

As promised two posts back I will now reveal my first grade lunch box. It was....The Beatles Yellow Submarine!

Well. Kind of.

For some reason - instead of my Mom letting me pick out a lunch box - she asked my Dad to pick one up. I have no idea what she was thinking. I remember him saying, "Jimmy I bought you a lunch box for the first day of school."

And I ran over. All excited. Until I saw it. It was a lunch box for the TV Show "The F.B.I.". Huh??? I don't even remember this show NOW. And I'm a TV head. I looked it up on Wikipedia and it was on the air from 1965 - 1974. Anyway, for me it was a boring ass lunch box. The graphics on the lunch box were basically a bunch of guys wearing suits. Hey Dad, wasn't "The CBS News with Walter Cronkite available?"

But what was worse is that I opened it up and the thermos was a Yellow Submarine thermos. IT DIDN'T EVEN MATCH THE LUNCH BOX! I remember saying, "I can't use this! It doesn't match!"

Then I remember:

Mom: (to Dad) Jim why didn't you check to see if the thermos matched?

Dad: Sally it was the last one there!

If you know my Dad, it was probably sitting on a shelf near canned goods because someone noticed that the lunch box didn't match the thermos and they just left it there. Then my Dad walked in the store, saw it next to a stack of canned beans and thought, "Well, good thing I got the last one." And picked it up and walked to check out.

So I was stuck with it. For the next two years I would pull all of my lunch out and close the lunch box. Then when nobody was looking I would open it really quickly and pour my drink into the plastic thermos cup and shove the thermos back in. Phew! Nobody saw me.

I think in third grade I moved on to carrying my lunch in a paper bag. Or a "lunch sack" as my hillbilly readers probably call it.

And I really wish I still had the Yellow Submarine thermos. I looked on Ebay a few years ago and they were selling for $250. Doh!

Dude Falls In Mud On Struble Trail In Downingtown. Biking Accident.

Dear Man that fell off his bike and into the mud a few weeks ago on the Struble Trail in Downingtown,

Hello dear sir. I'm the guy that watched as you tried to turn your bike and the tire clipped the side of the pavement and you went flying off of your bike and into the ditch of mud on the Struble Trail in Downingtown a few weeks ago.

To tell you the truth it was one of the funniest things I've seen in months. And I did ask "Are you OK?" And you said, "Only my pride." (which really isn't the correct answer. That would have been OK if I had asked, "Is anything hurt?" but whatever. You were stuck in a ditch with a bike on top of you and covered with mud).

But seriously. As you tried to make the U-turn and you were all wobbly? I was looking at how there's a 12" drop from the pavement and the grass and I KNEW you were going down. I KNEW it! Did it seem like slow motion to you too??

And what were you doing out so early? Do you have insomnia like me? There was nobody else in sight. Or did you take the bike out because you haven't ridden one in 30 years and you wanted to make sure you'd be able to navigate it. Which you did not. Like your wife probably warned you about.

But no...There was probably a big ole' fight. You probably said, "Helen I know how to ride a bike! You never forget!"

And Helen probably said, "Gene you're going to crash! Why don't you take some cones out to a safe, wide open parking lot and practice?"

But you didn't listen. I bet the guy at the bike shop even gave you a safety pamphlet and you rolled your eyes thinking he was an idiot. You were too excited to get on your shiny new bike weren't you? Little did you know...

Oh and Gene? The best part is when I walked past you and then looked back and you tried to get up and then you collapsed back into the mud. I saw that. It was like you gathered all the strength you had..got your body up a bit and then the old body said, "I can't do it."

I swear I was DYING to take a picture!! Well one good thing though is that you didn't roll further down the hill. So you got that I guess.

But seriously, if you're Googling "Biker Falls in Mud On Struble Trail" and find this post kindly let me know what your wife said when you got home. Did you walk in and start with, "HELEN DO NOT SAY A WORD!"

I bet you did.

*That's really the worst picture. This dude was COVERED with mud. And it really doesn't show the incline too well either.

Japanese Thing That Is Cute. Sexy Dancing Commercial.

You gotta admit. This is pretty friggin' cute. Except I don't know why there's only one Japanese girl and the other two are honkies.

What Was In Your Lunch Bag At School? Hit The Road Little Debbie.

What was in your lunchbag at school? Or were you a "buyer?"

My lunch bag consisted of three things from 1st to 12th grade:

1) Sandwhich - peanut butter and jelly, ham and cheese or turkey and cheese. White bread only thank you.

2) Salty treat - either chips or doritos.

3) Dessert: Some cupcakey thing. Like a Tastykake or Ring Ding. We weren't Twinkie people so never got one of those. And my Mom tried to sneak in Little Debbie's once and a while. You know my thought on those.

And I need to check with Mommy but I think she made my lunch all the way up through 12th grade. I forget.

Things could have been worse. I could have been given an egg salad sandwich like Lambert. Wrapped in clear plastic wrap. As opposed to the normal platic lunch bag. Why in God's name would Lambert's mom give him a stinky ass egg salad sandwich? It stunk! She probably didn't love him.

Or those people that were sent fruit in tupperware. Nooooo thanks! Or Hopton (dude had 7 and a half toes) that had to fold up his brown paper bag and bring it home because his mom was a penny pincher. Seriously, how much money are you saving a year from using 13 less brown paper bags? The dude always had a wrinkly ass bag. Shameful.

Then of course it could have been better. I kind of envied the people that got these:

Busted At Work For Doing Nothing. I Swear. Compact Mirrors.

Yeah so I'm at work and I asked one of my female coworkers if they had a mirror because I had this tiny area of dry skin on my face earlier and wanted to see if it was still there. She hands me a one of those compacts and says, "You can keep it."

And I put it in my desk drawer. So then the other day I had an everything bagel and I take out the compact and look in it to see if I had any poppy seed (the A-hole of all seeds) in my teeth and just then this chick walks by and looked over at me.

And with the look she gave me I'm like, "Oh no! She thinks I was powerdering my nose because I was using a compact!"

I'm sure she went and told everyone that I wear makeup. Fuckin' bitch!

I was going to track her down and tell her but then thought it would be weird if I brought the subject up, "Listen. Just so you know - I...I DON'T wear makeup. I'm a dude. Not a chick. So uh....are we clear with that?"

Maybe I should just drop it. Well..I guess I COULD have her killed..Naaa. I'll just drop it.

Dogs I Like. Dogs I Hate. From The Bedlington Terrier To The Mastiff.

Dogs I would never own:

Lhasa Apso (Yeah right. And I’m going to start wearing dresses)
Schnauzer (I’ve never met one I’ve liked. Always out of control)
Maltese
Dalmatian (one of the dumbest dogs)
Bichon Frise (gayer than poodles)
Chinese Crested (remind me of dirty rats with skin conditions)
Bedlington Terrier (Have you ever seen these freaks?? I mean come on now! Look at it. How do you walk down the street with this thing?):


Dogs I WOULD get:

Airedale
Akita (One of my neighbor’s used to own two. Very loyal)
Australian Shepherd (cool medium sized smart dogs)
Brittany Spaniel
German Shepherd
German Shorthaired Pointer
Golden Retriever
Labrador Retriever (Had one that died. Bingo. Best dog ever)

Honorable mentions:

Boxer (too drooly)
Doberman (only if I could find one that I could trust)
Irish Terrier (maybe)
English Mastiff (don’t live long enough and too big but my brother has one that I like*)
Newfoundland (too big)
Rhodesian Ridgeback (would need to learn a bit more about them first)
Bernese Mountain Dog (too big)

* the photo above is my brother’s dog. The picture was taken when she was about 9 months old.

West Chester Man Smuggles Popcorn Into East Whiteland Theater.

Well I'll tell you one thing. I love going to the movies but I HATE paying their ripoff prices for food. I know, I know, that's how they make their money. But tough luck. I'm not going to pay $7 for a popcorn and then $6 dollars for a soda. Especially the soda because I only take a few sips of it anyway.

So I usually smuggle a water in but lately I've been smuggling popcorn in. And I was super paranoid the last time I smuggled it in. I had it a sweatshirt wrapped around it and had it under my arm.

And it was super obvious that something was being hidden. And I just head it under my arm. As if I sweatshirt is THAT bulky.

And I had just made the popcorn seconds before I left the house so I think I was reeking of popcorn. I was imagining the steam coming out of the top of the sweatshirt. AND it was a different kind of popcorn that I usually get and it had this cellophane that was loud as hell. So every time I moved slightly you would hear: Crinkle. Crinkle. Crinkle.

Then in my head I was thinking about what I should do if they said, "Sir what is under your sweatshirt?" The options I was mulling over were:

1) "What? Nothing." (But then I was thinking they'd probably follow me into the theater and wait till I undid the sweatshirt.

2) "What? Under my sweatshirt? This thing that is as big as a football? Hmmm? (Opens up sweatshirt and acts surprised) What the? How did...how did this bag of popcorn get in stuck to my...? Well THAT'S weird."

3) Run.

Well I didn't get caught so I didn't have to do anything. Oh. And my new tradition is also bringing in peanut M&M's. Then I alternate popcorn bite...M&M bite. Salty and sweet.

Try And Watch This Without Laughing. Dentist. Pink Panther.

Look what's on TV now! The Pink Panther Strikes Again. Here's a clip from the funniest scene where he's on laughing gas. I remember seeing this as a kid and cracking up.