Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Who's The Birthday Boy That Looks Taller On August 26?...


It's August 26. Do you know who's birthday it is? Ernest Borgnine? Nope - guess again. Ramesses II? Not even close. Do you give up? OK I'll tell you. Chris Burke was born today. I know....... you can't MAKE this stuff up but it's true. He was the young lad that played the retarded fellow in the show Life Goes On. It's one of those shows like I Dream of Genie or the Munsters, that once you buy into the concept, you're hooked. Imagine. A retarded person, walking around. Uncaged. Strolling through town and bouncing a ball with one hand. I wish I were a fly on the wall when that show was being pitched.

According to Wikipedia Britannica, after graduating high school, Chris got a job as an elevator operator. I shit you not. Could you imagine? You're done your exhausting day, your boss was yelling at you, it's hot as hell and the elevator door opens. You step in.

Chris: Hi Dr. Zibbs same number floor as everyday or do you want me to push another number today?

Zibbs: (stone faced) No Chris. Same floor. Ground.

Chris: That's the "G". It's all numbers then it goes "G" for ground "B" for basement.

Zibbs: Yup.

Chris: (cleverly discovering concept on his own) I wish they had a "D" for Disneyland. Do YOU wish they had a "D" for Disneyland?

Zibbs: (half listening) Yup.

Chris: I asked Miss Kathy if I could write the "D" on the elevators' buttons but she said it's graffiti. But if I could, then we could go to Disneyland. Right Dr. Zibbs?

Zibbs: (starting to steam) Yeah Chris.

Chris: What rides would we go on if there was a "D" and we hit it?

Zibbs: Uhh. Ground.

Chris: No that's not a ride.

Zibbs: (patience lost) No that is a ride Chris.

Chris: Then it must be a new one because I was there one time. Is the ground ride near the Magic Kingdom or the Epcot Center or the Sea World?

Zibbs: It's in a whole new area of the park, I forget the name of it but why don't you use this elevator phone and dial "M". It's a direct hot line to Mickey. You can ask him.

Chris: Because Miss Kathy said to only use that phone if there's a fire.

Zibbs: No. I just saw her. She said she wanted me to tell you to call Mickey...And that there's a fire.

Chris: She did? OK.

Now this is where it gets complicated because you have two options, turn around and mouth the voice of Mickey as he talks OR have a friend rig up the phone so the friend can talk from a hidden room as Mickey. It's a tough call. With faking the voice while turning around, he's probably going to know it's you. If you rig the phone, you've got to buy all that radio shack shit and get into all of the zoning and safety issues.... Who knows, he may be of legal age but in retarded years he's not - so depending on what state you're in you need the parental permission forms....

Forget it. If you want to waste your day doing this, I'll give you the idea. For free. Run with it. While you work through those complicated logistics. I'm going to spend my valuable Chris Burke birthday time calling him up and pretending I'm a monster.

35 comments:

Dale said...

I never watched the show but I'll watch this if you get it on tape you cruel heartless hilarious Doctor.

Gwen said...

Seriously, where do you come up with this stuff? Demented, hilarious, creative . . . but when do you have the time to think it up?

Happy birthday, Chris! Don't answer your phone today, hon. Let the machine get it. Grandma knows how to leave a message.

katrocket said...

Three cheers for Corky!

Winter said...

I think you're more retarded than Chris Burke.

Falwless said...

cannot. stop. laughing. not. kidding. help.

I give up. I just give up. I don't even have anything funny to say.

Fuck.

Goddamn. I'm still laughing. Cannot. Stop. I have to go read it again now.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I met him once at Notre Dame. He was doing some sort of motivational speaking. I. Shit. You. Not. He was there and I think the real Rudy was there, too. Or maybe they were just both speaking in the same week. Whatever.

Dr Zibbs said...

I have an announcement to make: I am giving the readers of this blog permission to copy and paste this post on their blog. Then, using the Falwless system of rating sentences on a scale of 1-10, you may rate this post. It's only fair that I let my loyal readers dissect this masterpiece. It may give others an inside look into how to craft the perfect post with the precision of a Swiss watch maker. And by the way - no charge. Seriously. It's my way of saying thank you.

ÄsK AliCë said...

Oh Corky - such a quirky kid

The Guv'ner said...

Being a Brit I have no idea who this kid is or what that show is, but that conversation is awesome.

BeckEye said...

You know that elevator that you're on has an H for "Hell," don't you?

Dr Zibbs said...

Announcement: Beckeye wins the funniest comment my noon blue ribbon.

Mnmom said...

Are you sure you weren't in the elevator with my 9-year-old?

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Oh my God, I'm pissing myself from laughing so much, despite being British, like Guv'nor person. This is your best post ever, no matter what Falwless says. I know she's always saying you're getting less funny but I wouldn't believe her.

anne altman said...

ground ride.

Jon said...

Corky was an amazing actor. He totally had me convinced that he was actually retarded. I'm not sure how many Emmys that guy won, but it should have been a lot.

JDizzle said...

I totally rode the Amtrak train back from DC with him once. I swear it was Corky although my husband says that they all look alike.

Mathdude said...

You know, you pranksters think you're just soooo funny, don't you?

teri said...

Beckeye wins my vote. That was the funniest comment. EVER!

BeckEye said...

I'm still waiting for my ribbon.

Lyla Lou said...

I'm so torn. It's so funny, yet...just so wrong.

kirby said...

This post is just another bread crumb on my personal path to hell. I'm so ashamed.

words words words said...

Great. I had just gotten over my insane crush on Kellie Martin and you had to go and bring it allllll back. Damn you, Dr. Zibbs!

Brad said...

Believe it or not, i've actually met Chris Burke

LegalMist said...

Between Dr. Zibbs' post and BeckEye's comment, I'll be laughing for days. My husband will think I've gone demented, and by Monday I'll be in the State Hospital. AAAAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Sista #2 said...

Did the short bus drop you off a little early today DR????


LOLOL this is a good post :)

peace
#2

Giggle Pixie said...

And to think I dared to call myself the Evil Genius.

You sir, are the master.

*bowing with arms outstretched*

I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!

Suburbia Steph said...

See ya in hell, Zibbs!

Dr Zibbs said...

Suburbia Steph - I'll save you a place in the cafeteria line.

Bloggin' Bama Girl said...

HA! That brightened my day a little too much - See you and Suburbia Steph in hell
Seriously, where do you come up with this shit?

Gaston Studio said...

The poor kid, getting into the elevator with Zibbs and probably on his first day too.

Amy Kate said...

We found the extension to the elevator in my dorm freshman year of college. Which led to us drunkenly calling it at all hours and fucking with whoever the hell happened to be in it. We'd do the voice of God, Fire dept., police, faked R.A.s having sex and moaning...it was a good time.
I would like to be able to do the same for Corky's elevator. We could easily add Mickey Mouse to our repertoire...

diane said...

Twisted.

Vivienne said...

I vaguely remember that show. Hysterical post! Will you please write one now about Benny on L.A.Law...? Please?

Dr Zibbs said...

Amy Kate - that's classic!!

Vivienne - I've seen 10 minutes of that show in my life. But I do know who you're talking about.

Eric said...

Hahhhaa!!! It's as if you ride an elevator everyday for several minutes at a time with a retarded person.

"Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going." Pat Healy