Number one - stay calm. If my calculations are correct, the real Jesus will rise from the dead today at 3:00. He will have grown to 100 feet tall.
And he's pissed.
I'm urging all citizens to gather as many eggs as they can. When the gigantic Jesus approaches you, throw the eggs directly at his heart. You've got to trust me on this.
I will be releasing a message to all survivors via the West Chester radio station WCHE 1520 AM in a few days with a plan for rebuilding.