Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Unicorn Collectors Probably Are Real Babies. Torture Ideas.




I can't be certain but I bet that people that collect unicorn items can be made to cry easier than the general population. I think a great way to make them cry would be to slowly break off unicorn horns from their sculptures.

But you have to be subtle.

I would start with breaking one then waiting a week. Be patient.
Then, after you break a few more, start doing things with the horns. Like you might want to tape one of the horns to the groinage area. That will probably really freak them out because I bet that there's a legend saying that the unicorn horns are sacred. And if there is - you know they believe that legend.

What about laying one of the horns on the pillow next to them while they sleep like how they did with the horse in the Godfather? Yeah that's a good one too.
Oh I know. What about when they cry, you say, "Now now. It's OK, here's a tissue." Little do they know that you've taped a broken unicorn horn inside of the tissue. Can you imagine the hysterics that THAT will set off? I can.

What other ways can you think of to torture unicorn collectors? Go ahead - jot some ideas down on a piece of paper then pick the best and leave it in the comments area.

Good luck.

29 comments:

Mr. Condescending said...

Oh wow zibbs this was wonderful! You could take the broken horn and tape it inside their croc shoe! Or you could key their prius with it!

diane said...

Thinking up ways to torture people, hmmm.

Prunella Jones said...

Don't see the appeal of unicorns myself. Now yard gnomes are cool. You touch my lucky yard gnomes and I'll break your fingers.

Diane said...

this was the funniest shit i've read all week.

Scope said...

Keep calling them either, "My Little Ponies" or "Horny Horses". That should make then sad.

The Jules said...

Drill a hole in one unicorn's side and lie it down as if dead, and then paint another nearby unicorn's horn red.

Antlers are for fighting, after all.

The Peach Tart said...

I can't in good conscience condone torture:)

Dr Zibbs said...

The Peach Tart - but they're unicorn people.

Amy Jo said...

You truly are a creative genius.

Susan said...

You totally get the creativity blogging award for today.

Where in gods name do you seriously come up with this shit?

Seriously!!????

Sornie said...

Pose the unicorns in creative, but sexual, poses. Or just draw huge penises on them.

Dr Zibbs said...

Thanks Susan. It's comments like yours that keep me blogging.

Scandalous Housewife said...

Hey Zibbs,
Do you think that when you break off the Unicorn horn it bleeds rainbow colored blood?

Former Fat Chick said...

Just show them the Charlie the Unicor videos so they can see what assholes unicorns really are! Poor Charlie!

Ookami Snow said...

Insist that the reason that there aren't any unicorns anymore is because they were eradicated because they would only eat the young of other animals. Their blood lust was unmatched and there are cases of unicorns breaking into orphanages and slaughtering every kid while the slept.

Also, they supported the Nazis during World War II.

Dr Zibbs said...

Ookami Snow - you know I just checked and they DID support the Nazis.

Caffeine Court said...

A little known fact...Michael Jackson had the biggest collection of unicorns in the Northern Hemisphere.

Son of a Thomas said...

Unicorn. Shouldn't they be Unihorns because they have one horn?

With that in mind...shouldn't they be rinos.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I think you'd really make them cry by replacing their favorite unicorn with a "penicorn". Check the pics:

http://www.newgrounds.com/store/product/penicorn

Dr Zibbs said...

Son of A you always come up with a good one.

Dr Zibbs said...

And Fancy I'm afraid that if I look at that link it'll be porn. And you know how fragile my eyes are.

buffalodick said...

Remind them the Unicorns wouldn't get on Noah's ark, and died horribly...Just ask "The Irish Rovers" who had a hit song about it in the late 60's...

Debbie said...

I don't want to know where you come up with these ideas. I'm afraid I'd have bad dreams.

sybil law said...

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Pop and Ice said...

You are seriously scary. I'm glad my kids don't know you. Like they need encouragement.

Tamara said...

Use the broken horns as toothpicks.

Dr Zibbs said...

Pop and Ice - How can you be sure I'm not your kids' teacher?

Hmmm?

Cora said...

I dunno, Zibbs. When I was a kid one of my best friends was a unicorn collector and she was a complete badass. She used to beat the crap out of her big brother almost daily! He'd be curled in a ball on the floor crying his eyes out as she pummeled him. Of course, he was a computer geek. So there you go.

Nej said...

Steal the whole collection...and leave a ransom note. Then, when they don't comply, start sending them horns in the mail.

Is kidnapping a unicorn collection a federal offense?