As you might know, Perez Hilton got punched in the face. Good. Big Dummy.
You say all that crap about people it's gonna come back to bite you in the ass so shut the hell up and take it.
Your whole life is based on taking cheap shots at celebs so what do you expect?
(door bell)
...Hmm who's that at my door? ....The elephant man? I wonder what he wants? While I get the door watch the cry baby Perez Hilton.
Who didn't love the McGuire Twins?
You know, the fattest twins that were always featured in the Guinness Book of World Records. I used to get that book specifically to see the fattest people, the dude with the longest fingernails and all of the other human oddities.
I wonder if there are any really fat twins today and the one twin is trying to convince the other one to gain 120 pounds so they can capture the title of fattest twins?
If you happen to know them, please have them contact me as I will feature them on TBY.
So who were YOUR favorite fatties?
So my weekend with the guys in Sea Isle City was great. Here are some random things that happened:
- Lots of card playing but not too much. I'm the only one that doesn't play. I did play a game called Left, Center, Right that is very retard friendly. I didn't win a round.
- Drank shitloads of beer, wine, Crown Royal and Jack Daniel's.
- One friend threw some pallets in the back of his truck on the way down. We burned them in a fire pit. While we're hanging out, this hot chick came up and asked what we were doing and where our wives were. My one friend quickly said, "We're on an all guy's gay weekend". She fell for it. She hung out and drank with us. She was bombed. Then someone realized that she was probably under 21 so we took her beer away. She was wearing a short skirt and you could see her underwear. I pointed that out to her and she said she didn't care. It's funny how one chick can totally change the dynamics of a group of guys. Soon she showed up, all we did was talk to her.
- Laughed our asses off the entire time retelling stories from back in the day. One friend, after telling one practical joke I've done after another said, "You're the meanest person I know". Baby.
- Played whiffle ball on beach.
- Walked to the Springfield Inn (a dive club). Within 10 minutes my friend got kicked out because some drunk asshole said something to him so my friend punched him in the face.
- Tried to find turtles in the bay. Failed.
Overall, a great time with friends I've known most of my life.
That's my quick wrap up since I didn't post yesterday (FIRST TIME IN OVER 10 MONTHS) so I had to write something.
This Pina Colada song is stuck in my head. Now it will be in yours.
Unlike a lot of you that spend all of their time online because they don't have friends in real life I have lots of friends.
In fact, I'll be spending the weekend with about 13 of my longest running friends down in Sea Isle City New Jersey.
Of the 13, eight of them were in my house at Senior Week. That's pretty good. Everyone's done pretty well too. Some of the careers of the lads include:
- lawyer
- commercial banker
- Something to do with the Internet and data bases.
- 8 grade Science teacher
- Something to do with working with the United Nations but we think he's really a CIA agent.
- Helicopter pilot for customs.
- Sales Rep
- DEA agent.
- Stay at Home Dad
- Mime
OK the last one I made up but...
So do any of you have old friends that you still see?
And more importantly, which one of these guys do you think I'm going to fart on first? My bet is on the Science Teacher.
A few movies that are supposed to be funny but suck:
- Revenge of the Nerds.
- Porkies.
- American Pie.
- Police Academy - especially the guy that makes all of the sound effects.
- Mrs Doubtfire
- Anything with Whoopie Goldberg.
.....so there was this chick in college*. I use to tell her in class that she had the best nails I'd ever seen.
And it worked. I'm not saying it was directly because of the compliments, but she did break up with her high school boyfriend shortly after and we started "dating" - well....hooking up was more like it.
So I was really kind of getting into her until I walked into her dorm room one time and she looked like she was taking a nap.
Me: Are you sleeping?
Her: No. Just mellowing out to some Manilow.
She might as well have said, "No, just reflecting on my last KKK rally."
Well, that just about put the nail in the coffin in that relationship. Thanks Barry Manilow. For nothing. And I'm reminded of this story because it's Barry Manilow's birthday today. She's 66.
And can someone tell me if Manilow has ever officially come out of the closet? You never hear anything about that.
*this was the chick that tried to put her finger in my butt that one time but I clenched my cheeks so she couldn't. A "sorry - this road is closed" kind of gesture if you will.
I specifically told my friend "Ring Ding" not to tell anyone about my blog. Does he listen?
No. He just couldn't resist.
So last weekend he says to two people that I know, "So did you know 'Dr Zibbs' has a blog?"
They ask, "Really, what's it about?"
Then I had the odd task of trying to describe it. Which is pretty difficult if you think about it.
It's like trying to describe the smell of a rose to a guy that doesn't live near roses.
So how would you describe my blog? The person who can best describe TBY will get it read by me on my Snapvine recorder (located conveniently on my sidebar). Yes this is a contest. So get to work.
And as you write it, feel free to write it in a way as if it's "coming to a theater near you" because that's how I'll probably record your creation when I'm in the studio "cutting it" (sorry for all the technical talk people- that's just how we in the biz talk).
..you see, "cutting it" means, "laying down the tracks" or...oh never mind....it's very hard to explain. I guess in the most simplest terms, I'll be recording your words from my mouth into a recording device that will later be able to be heard by your ears.
Do you understand now?
When you guys are driving and singing, then you get to a red light but you really want to keep singing - do you ever keep singing but get all ventriloquist by trying to sing without moving your lips?
....but then some some dude sees you so you get your phone and you pretend you're talking to someone but you think the guy is totally on to you so you give him the finger?
....and the finger is not even high enough for him to see but doing this plus hitting the gas as soon as the light turns green somehow gives you some sort of satisfaction?
You all do that right?....Right?.....Hello???
If not I fear that I might be a teensy bit weird.
Do you believe it's the anniversary of the invention of sandpaper again? It was on this day in 1834 that it was invented.
Time flies doesn't it?
So how are you celebrating? I know what I'm doing. I'm making my badself a costume made completely of sandpaper (with the exception of toilet paper cores for the eyes) and I'm going to march around the Chester County.
If you see me - give me a friendly wave and I'll toss you some hard candy. You know - like it's a parade and shit.
Check out my man Richard Simmons getting pissed:
George Thorogood grew up about 30 miles from here. I never met him but One Bourbon, One Scotch and One Beer was a regular song that we'd pop into the car cassette player back in the day.
And it's today's Friday Send Off Song - dedicated to The Devil's Daughter in Law and Former Fat Chick. Thanks for commenting on TBY.
Is anyone a fan of this song or these blogging gals? Go ahead - tell me your answer in the comments region. Don't be afraid.
244 followers and they tells me it's a growin'.
How. Are any of my readers Indian tech support dudes?
Because I need your help.
I turned my computer on the other day and:
- All my files are gone. Word docs, pictures, etc. Also, missing desktop icons.
- The opening pop up screen says,"Welcome to you new Dell Computer" - with steps to walk through setting it up.
- Everything is REALLY slow.
Does this my computer has crashed? I thought when it crashed - nothing even worked. I'm not sure.
I do have everything backed up on an external hard drive.
Does anyone have any solutions?
Should I simply plug into the external hard drive and try to pull everything back onto my laptop?
Thanks. And sorry my people stole your land.
I know many of you don't like Twitter but after a few weeks I've come to like it. Blogs are a lot better but the great thing about Twitter is that can Tweet my special thoughts throughout the day and now I'm prepared to report newsworthy events. So look out.
....Like when that guy was in the West Goshen wine store bore-assing everyone about how he knows the best place to buy blue crabs. I wonder how many of my Tweet followers went there when I broke that story to hear the guy? At least three. Don't you think?
I told you it was a powerful tool.
So here are a few of my select Tweets over the last few week:
Time to lay in bed and try to dream about another blogger. Maybe it'll be you..or you...(popping up from behind your couch) or even YOU!!!
I bet when that guy came up with the saying about the taint it spread like wildfire.
Wonder if anyone ever brought a Franklin Mint Wolf Knife to the Antiques Roadshow?Then they laughed. Then he did a burnout in parking lot.
I think a line of wife beater tees with images of wife beater guys saying things like, "I SAID SALISBURY STEAK!"..would make a nice line.
2 of my sisters just told me they thought my blog was too sexual for someone thats married.
according to billboard accross from eagles stadium is billboard advertising show for loverboy. get your tickets now!
Tip for foreigners - don't say: "Nice dress. Did Mrs Roper lend it to you"......That would most likely be taken as an insult,
wonder what the most rejected salvation army item is? probably the urine soaked mattress. oldie but a goodie.
wonder if slum dog millionaire has helped Indian dudes get laid more. what do you think?
wonder if theres a guy with the nickname tip toe timmy.
Someone should write a sappy love song about a woodpecker that's really the dead grandfather giving advice. "Pecky's Message of Love"
Have you ever heard a squirrel cry? I bet if you recorded it then played it really loud at a person w/ a weak heart it could kill them.
Dating tip: Tell your lady that she's 6 times a lady.Point out that that's double 3 times.When she's doing the math, reach for her butt.
just saw a lady with neck fat like a gunny sack. wait. whats a gunny sack?
I wonder if there are any normal people that own ferrets? ...Naaa. Just kiddin'.
In the style of "...this one time in band camp...." (from the movie American Pie) -here's my version but the travel edition. Part 1.
...this one time in Long Beach, California...we were at a club and this lesbian bit my friend's finger because she wouldn't dance.
...this one time in Frankfurt, Germany..... while bags were being unloaded at hotel I saw a woman's pastel colored polka dot suitcase and I said, "I think your luggage got mixed up with Jan Brady's". Turns out the the woman was an upper level management person from corporate that I'd never met. Nice first impression.
....this one time in Philly.... I hooked up with a Phillies ball girl.
....this one time in Virginia Beach, Virginia..... I went down this huge water slide and it instantly gave me an enema. I had to run to a bathroom.
....This one time in Connecticut...I was telling this funny story to colleagues and accidentally walked them onto the train going North instead of South., They almost missed their flight back to England.
.....This one time in Malvern, PA..... after having sex with some girl in her parents bed I threw the condom under the bed. What?...I couldn't find the trashcan..... And I was really drunk.
....This one time in Detroit, Michigan.... I saved a kid's life by pulling him out of a burning car. I left the scene because I didn't want to be in the newspaper.
Well, that last one's a lie. I was just trying to redeem myself for the second to the last one.
What happened to YOU one time?
I've been told by a few people that I resemble Errol Flynn. Well..only a few people. It was always my aunts and some other older people. You know how they can be...
But looking at this video though....I think there is a bit of a resemblance in some of the photos if I don't say so myself*.
* of course I haven't had a cheesy mustache for years but....
Does anyone else have dreams featuring other bloggers?
Last night the beautiful Wendy B from Wendy Brandes Jewelry showed up. Turns out we were at the same trade show. So I invited her back to the hotel - which was really a huge house that was packed with people. She came in the bedroom that was the scene from Willie Wonka with lots of people in multiple beds.
I got in bed with my wife and she was in the bed next to us and we were talking about blogging and jewelry designs.
Sadly, the thunder in Chester County this morning woke me from the dream .
It was pretty funny when my sister got attacked by a bird in Sea Isle this weekend. It was weird though. Ten people sitting on a deck at midnight, loud as hell and this bird comes out of nowhere and flaps into her hair. And it wasn't a bat either. I saw it with my own two eyes.
She was freaking out.
We were laughing.
Here's a funny video of various people getting attacked by birds.
I've always had really weird dreams. So weird that I think some people think I'm just making it up when I tell them.
I wish someone would invent a machine that could be hooked up to someones brain and record their dreams. Then you could watch them like you're watching TV. If they did, here's what you could have been watching if you were tuned to the Dr Zibbs Dream Channel last night:
I was in Mexico and I was trapped in a car. I couldn't get out because these dogs were trying to attack me. The dogs finally left and I was able to get out.
Once out of the car though, this gang approached me and they said they were going to kill me. They walk away to prepare themselves and this weird guy approaches me and tells me that I (like him) have the ability to transform into any creature thus helping me defend myself against the gang that's going to kill me.
So the weird guy says, "You can change..just like this"...
He spins around and all of a sudden he looks like Santa Claus. But a disheveled Mexican Santa. Proudly he says, "You see, when the gang comes back, do you really think they're going to want to kill Santa? .....Thinks about it."
I remember thinking.."What the hell?"....
Then I woke up. True story.
So when I was rescuing turtles in Sea Isle City this morning and putting them back in the bay I couldn't help thinking of the "I like turtles kid".
Well, it was actually someone else rescuing them put I was playing an important role by standing there, watching and saying, "I like turtles".
I'm leaving in 5 minutes to go sit on the beach in Sea Isle. I'll bring a sketch pad so I'll be prepared in case this happens:
(ringing a bell and acting like a DJ) Hey..it's Friday everybody! Wocka-Wocka-Woooo!
Another week of blogging completed. But as you know I blog on the weekend too. I guess I'm referring to your week of blogging. Who knows what I'm talking about?
Katrocket and Son of A Thomas get the shout out for this Friday. Two bloggers that haven't commented here in a while. I hope they come by more often. Go check out their blogs and threaten them into leaving more comments here. I don't know.
And now I give you Brick House by The Commodores. START DANCIN'!!
Now I'm off to Sea Isle, NJ. Follow my amazing journey on Twitter. So long SSSSuuuucccckaaaas!
240 followers.
So the other night I ran into a radio personality that reads my blog. He knows my secret identity through a friend.
He never comments for some reason but he reads it. Of course he asked, "Are you really like that Dr Zibbs character?"
"Character". Oh that was rich.
Anyways, me being all famous and shit, he said he thought it might be interesting to interview me on his morning radio show. I said I would do it but now I'm debating it. Would anyone want to call in and ask me questions if I do it? Or you could call in and tell everyone how much you love my blog. I don't know.
The show is streamed on the world wide web of the Internet so you'd be able to hear it. My media domination plan has been: Blog to Twitter to TV shows to Movies but maybe the radio thing would be a nice stepping stone to the TV show gig*. I'm not sure.
So I'm just testing the waters here to see if there would be any interest in you (the reader) calling in to ask me questions if the station meets my elaborate demands and I decide to do it.
*Uh..does anyone know anyone who works in the TV industry? If so, please print out my entire blog(500 plus pages), and write "Resume" on the top and give it to them.
People often say, "Dr Zibbs, where do you find these great videos?"
Well I've said it once and I'll say it again.: Skylers Dad is the master of finding the funniest videos. So much so, I'm considering having those words embroidered onto a pillow, then sending him a photo of the pillow. As a thank you.
Do you want to see a video about the world of the future? With tons of mentions of "robuts"? Sure you do.
Then check out this video and see what had me laughing hysterically this morning. And follow his blog while you're at it!
Please. Tell me what you think of this video.
I've got to tell you that I couldn't believe the great designs that were sent in for the TBY header contest. As I mentioned, the winner was Mr Condescending. His header is the one that's on the top of my blog.
Here are the other bloggers that that sent in designs. Check out their blogs. Their designs may or may not be posted so check back later and look again. Thanks to all for sending designs! I was hoping that there would be a really crappy one that we could all make fun of but honestly - they were all really good.
So check out their blogs and say hi!
Dominique -one of my most frequent commenter. And she's from Belgium!
Fancy - My dear, dear Fancy friend.
Vic - Hysterical blogger.
Jaded J - Excellent poor sportage comments.
Jennifer (and Sandy) - Long time follower and goat owner.
Avitable - A blogger that has a huge following AND a blog radio show. Check it out!
Scott (my shoe connection) - Found me though Twitter. See. I told you Twitter works.
Kimmie - Super good looking West Chester food blogger and sweetheart.
Thanks!
So NOW I know why my dad drank Carling Black Label Beer. He did later switch to Past Blue Ribbon. I remember bringing those dark brown, returnable bottles up from the downstairs fridge.
Sometimes he's let me pour the beer into the frosted glass. I'd love to watch the bubbles.
Other than the beatings, what memories do YOU have of your dad drinking beer?
When I mentioned Baby Rays BBQ sauce in a post last week I got a great reaction. And some suggestions on some other BBQ sauces which I'll be trying.
So I'd like to get a list of some other brands that people love. I'd love to try some of them out.
Here are some that I like:
Baked Beans: Bush's
Frozen Dinners (when necessary) - Stouffer's red box (mac and cheese).
Toilet Paper: Scott's
Potato Chips: Wise (regular). Herr's brand Kettle Chips.
Scotch: Dewars.
Processed Pie (single portion): Tastycake Cherry Pie.
Cake snack: Peanut Butter Tastykakes (nuke for 15 seconds)
Frozen Burger Patties (when I'm not making my own): Sam's Club burgers.
I know I'm going to think of many more but I'm in a rush and that's all I can think of off the top of my head.
This Andy Samberg video just cracks me up. But ....it is pretty exciting to be on a boat and all. Then you stop, reflect and realize that maybe that this video wasn't intended to be funny.
Maybe I'm just confused. You know......because I'm excited about being on a boat and everything.
Here are a few things to go over:
- The winner of the TBY header contest is Mr Condescending. Thanks! Look how great my new header looks.
- There were eight other bloggers that sent header designs and it was tough to narrow it down to one. If you'd like to share your design, put it on your blog on Wednesday and I'll write a post with links. If you don't want to show it I'll still give you a link.
- Go see the Sam Raimi movie Drag Me To Hell. It's great fun. Seriously, don't be a big baby. Go see it. Boo!
- I'm totally obsessed with Twitter now. It's great to have a place to write all the weird stuff I think about all day. Click on my sidebar to join Twitter. Give it about a week and I think you'll love it. But I really have to stop reading the Tweets while driving. I can't help myself I tells ya...
- Why do I watch the MTV Movie Awards every year? What a fucking joke.
