Thursday, September 11, 2008

If I Was On Pit Watch, I'd Make A Game Of It


I would never put anyone in a pit in my sub basement like on Silence of the Lambs, but if I did, and I didn't like the person I think it would be fun to mess with them.

After they were finished applying their daily lotion and were really tired from a a long day, I would lower a whole fryer chicken into the pit. The great thing is, the chicken would be on fishing wire so it would look like it was actually flying. Could you imagine someone jumping to get a chicken and then the chicken "flies" out of their reach just at the last second? Kind of like when you pretend to pick up a hitchhiker then you pull ahead just as they're about to grab the door handle and then you say, "I'm just kidding, come get in." - then you do it again and again.

And what if you put a Mr Microphone IN the fryer? I would probably talk like a parrot and say things like, "Better luck next time. Better luck next time."

I'm just laughing thinking about it.

19 comments:

Gwen said...

Okay, this one scares me a little.

I'm going to pretend you didn't say this and go look for pictures of Santa that I can burn for you.

Anonymous said...

The chicken should have a Foghorn Leghorn voice like:

"I say better luck next time I say."

Leonesse said...

I like cocoa butter lotion. Thanks.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Okay, so as well as being a psychopathic kidnapper/murderer, you're also a dick? Not good, man, not good.

Dr Zibbs said...

Anonymous - excellent.

Whiskeymarie said...

I'm thinking of installing a sub-basement torture/serial killer pit much like the one you speak of here. Can you recommend a good contractor for this? And, while we're on topic- does one need to insure such a thing in the event of flooding or other natural disasters?
Oh, one more thing then I'm done- is it o.k. to use a regular grocery store chicken in this case, or does it need to be free-range?

Dr Zibbs said...

Whiskey Marie - I haven't had one built YET, so can't recommend anyone or help with flood issues. As for using a fake chicken, only if you rub it with real chicken so the pit person can smell the delicious lemony, rosemary scent of the fowl. It'll help with the funniness.

Some Guy said...

My current captive is really gonna get a kick out of this one. Thanks for the suggestion!

ÄsK AliCë said...

Well, that would just make my captive day even better

crotchpains said...

Captive's reply: "Chicken again!...third night this week."

Red said...

Zibbsie - You never fail to weird me out. Congrats.

H said...

Can I be your first kidnappee (sp?)? Cause it can't be any worse than the day to day torture of my job.

How sad is that?

JDizzle said...

Zibbs, you can come over and take a look at mine to see if it makes sense for your place. I know a great Amish guy that can do it cheap.

mike said...

So, simply having them in a pit wouldn't be messing with them? It's only when you start with the talking fried chicken?
okay... This is how I would mess with them: Paint a ladder on the side of the pit wall... Play "Down in a Hole" by Alice in Chains over and over... Tell stupid jokes like, "Hey did you hear the one about the 3 holes in the ground? Well, well, well"... Put oversized stuff at the top, so they think they are closer to it... Feed them cherries with NO pits (irony)... build up the top of the pit each day so they think they are sinking... yell down, "Can anybody HEAR ME in there" like you are listening for an echo and ignore them when they answer. Enjoy!

Falwless said...

hahahahahaahaha at not only this post but all you retarded commenters.

God bless this blog.

Dr Zibbs said...

Jdizzle - best comment of the day.

Chris said...

Would you fuck me?
I'd fuck me.
[Creepy music playing in background while I spin around in veils with my package tucked away]

Micgar said...

What about the dog-you should have a dog that falls into the pit and then you can even "tease" the dog too! Great!

gorillabuns said...

I can totally understand the torture chamber but wondering if you plan on parading around in dead skin?