Monday, August 3, 2009

Footprints In Sand Jesus Invention. I'm On An Inventing Roll.




And now - another invention....

Pretend you're in a board room and I'm presenting. Here we go:

Ladies and Gentlemen, as you know, the Christians are a gullible bunch. They do love that ridiculous "Footprints in the Sand" poem don't they? Don't they?

(looks at guy looking out the window throws a donut at him)

Tubby I need your full attention!

(The group gets nervous and gives me their full, well deserved attention)

Now - there are a lot of Footprints in the Sand products out there but they're all collectible junk. Sculptures, t-shirts, necklaces and massagers.

But there isn't this.

(I then slowly - olde style pulley style - pull up the white veil that reveals my creation. The creaky pulley sound adds to the drama)

My friends... I give you THE FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND REAL LIFE FOOTPRINT KIT.

Now let me explain what it is (paces room). As you know from the poem, there are four footprints in the sand then there are two. Well this contraption that attached to the shins of the wearer actually leaves four footprints in the sand. Then, after you've got Jesus followers following you, you pull up the two feet and then there are only two! The extra two feet compactly hide themselves into a backback that you're wearing.

The bible holding people that have been following you will then see the two footprints and believe that Jesus is actually carrying you. Just like in the poem! Imagine the hilarity as you hide in the dunes and chuck shit at them!

Of course it takes a while to work and get the hang of the contraption - like stilts - but trust me. After a few weeks at my camp, I'm assured that even uncoordinated people will be able to work this thing.

(wait for applause and attacks from believers).

P.S. I'm thinking about saying something like "Taa Daa" at the end but I need to work it out a bit and make sure that doesn't sound stupid.

26 comments:

Dr Zibbs said...

NOTICE: I will NOT be having a training camp unless I get at least 6 people signed up.

Dr Zibbs said...

Oh yeah. And the camp is at YOUR house.

SkylersDad said...

Instead of Taa Daa, try Shazam!

Dr Zibbs said...

SkylersDad - you're so wise.

Punch said...

Mr. Dr. Zibbz, I would most certainly wish to sign up. I live near a beach and it would just be great down here in God's waiting room. I could give a lot of comfort to the folks, jus 'fore takin' their last few dollars. Puts a nice touch on the con. Most won't even call the cops.

John Young said...

"Bullshit, Jesus, those are obviously my footprints"

moooooog35 said...

You could really freak them out and do 3 footprints.

You know...mix it up a bit.

Dr Zibbs said...

Mooog35 - Excellent. Or a peg legged Jesus might work well too.

Darius Whiteplume said...

How about another set with hooves? You know, sell to both sides of the room. ;-)

Fancy Schmancy said...

Do you have a version for sale where Jesus has a club foot and appears to be dragging a cross behind him. To make it really realistic, I'll bring the red food coloring drops.

Dr Zibbs said...

Darius - me likey.

Fancy - you know I've always liked your style.

Dr Zibbs said...

IMPORTANT UPDATE: I AM CURRENTLY IN JAIL.

HOPEFULLY FOR A SHORT TIME ONLY.

SIGN UP FOR TWITTER AND FOLLOW ME @DrZibbs FOR ALL THE BREAKING NEWS!

Prunella Jones said...

In jail? Who put you in jail? Was it Pontius Pilot?

Dr Zibbs said...

No. Some jerk cop. It's all unraveling on Twitter.

WendyB said...

Instead of "taa daa" just throw some jazz hands.

Dr Zibbs said...

Thanks Wendy, sometimes the best ideas are soooo simple.

Dr Zibbs said...

...and Jazzy!

Slyde said...

i'll take 2, please...

Dr Zibbs said...

Slyde - two as in TWO entire units right?

I don't want to yell the order back to the shop and you meant two feet or two PAIRS of feet.

Do you know what I mean?

Christine said...

Maybe you could say something like, "Those are MY prints in the sand. What, like you're too AWESOME to carry the son of God on your back. You lazy sac." Then you knee them in the balls-on the lord's behalf.

Dr Zibbs said...

Christine - that had me laughing out loud!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Zibsy, the MAGNITUDE of your genius never ceases to astound me.

Dr Zibbs said...

Thanks Candy. I am good.

Mom said...

I'd like Jesus to wheel me in a rickshaw. Got anything like that?

Life...EXAGGERATED

Dr Zibbs said...

Mom - another good one.

Warren Beatty said...

Amen, my brotha.