Tuesday, August 4, 2009

How To Pick Up Chicks By Pretending You're Into Manatees.



Here's a helpful technique that may help some of my single male readers find a mate. That's right. I'm going to help you get laid. A man needs to get laid. I get laid all the time. But you don't. That's how you ended up here.

It's so simple that it's retarded.

1) Find a lady in a bar, in a supermarket or on a bus*.

2) In a non threatening way, position yourself so she's trapped. You know, so she can't escape. Nothing illegal but if she can't get away she has to listen..right?

3) Stare at her for a bit. She may start to look uncomfortable but this is fine. When she's just about to flee, reach as if you're about to grab her wrist then calmly but assertively say, "I'm totally into Manatees". DO NOT BREAK YOUR STARE.

4) Give her a fact about manatees like, "Did you know that manatees are also known as sea cows?" - you can find many useful manatee facts on the Internet. Memorize them or write them on manatee shaped index cards. Make sure that they're REAL facts and not made up in case she knows a lot about manatees.

Now I haven't field tested my manatee pick up technique but it's pretty much fool proof I think. If you said you were into wolves, eagles or tigers she's gonna think that you're Mr Tough Guy and a lot of chicks don't like that. They want sensitivity. And ain't nothing more sensitive than the lovable manatee. Just look at that mug.

If it turns out that she IS into tough guys, tell her that the only natural enemy of the wolf, eagle and tiger is the manatee. Look down at your shoes while saying this so she doesn't see your lying eyes.

If it turns out she knows her manatees - then at this point - to put it bluntly - you're fucked. If she falls for it...well my friend - you're getting LAID!

That's about it. Good luck and let me know it works out.

*Make sure it's a woman you can beat in a fight if it comes to that. I don't want to scare you off, but if you do these steps with any type of weirdness, a fight MAY start.

33 comments:

Blonde Goddess said...

Huh...and just when I think I've heard every pick up line in the universe, you manage to surprise me.

B.E. Earl said...

I've seen manatees up close and personal in the wild. Well, I wasn't in the water with them, but still. And I adopted a manatee through the Save A Manatee fund. And last summer a manatee was spotted in the harbor that our home sits on.

So yeah...I'm kinda into manatees.

What of it?

Anonymous said...

you could get sued for this one man... dont you know no one takes responsibilities for their actions anymore?

slopmaster

Mr. Condescending said...

I like this thinking, its more masculine than saying you're into unicorns but not as wimpy as unicorns.

How bout kangaroos too? Women love kangaroos and manatees. Brilliant thinking.

Or you can always tell them you're a shoe designer.

Trooper Thorn said...

I tried this technique, but got it messed up and said I was into dugongs. While they are a close relative of the manatee, mentioning dugongs seemed to insense women and I was rejected with extreme prejudice.

Son of a Thomas said...

Is this why you were in jail?

miss. chief said...

that's pure sex right there.

oh yeahhhhh gimme some manatee talk any day

miss. chief said...

p.s. lol to the dugong comment

Dutch donut girl said...

Just reading this post makes me all hot and bothered.

(with emphasis on bothered ;-)

J.J. in L.A. said...

Dolphins would also work. Or, I should say...it would work on me.

sj said...

i'm pretty sure you stole this from/were inspired by a simpsons episode.

sybil law said...

Sheer genius.

Valerie said...

I'd respond better to Orcas

Scandalous Housewife said...

Yak,I must admit, while I would initially feel threatened by the trapping my wild ass, I would succumb to the manatee statement and fall helpless into your words. Especially the part about it being a sea cow.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Lol at JJ in LA, I was going to say the same thing about dolphins!

p.s. what's up with the anonymous comments lately?

HB said...

Hi, great blog!


FunnyBusinessCartoons
http://www.gotomarketblog.blogspot.com

Mom said...

You had me at "sea cows"! ~swoon~

Life...EXAGGERATED

Whiskeymarie said...

Yeah, dudes into manatees will usually get my motor running, but not nearly as much as dudes who know their way around sea cucumbers. That's why I married the Mr, you know- his vast and impressive knowledge of the noble sea cucumber.

Me-ow.

moooooog35 said...

Got it.

Got to a supermarket and fuck a manatee on a bus.

That doesn't sound right.

Stupid speed-reading.

Dr Zibbs said...

Mom - very funny.

Planet Caroline said...

Riding on the awesomeness of manatees to get laid is a good strategy. Everyone loves a gentle, endangered animal.

Swedish Chef said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tM_lrK4upvw

WendyB said...

Didn't the South Park dudes accuse Family Guy of being written by manatees?

Dr Zibbs said...

Swedish - nice one.

WendyB - Not sure. I can't stand South Park.

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Your fucked! HAHAHAHAHHA That's a good one.

Well as having been blessed to have lived in Florida I was a huge Manatee lover. Love your new approach for men.

Want my Florida Manatee License Plate?

HAPPY TUESDAY!!!!!!!!
- Jennifer

Dr Zibbs said...

A manatee plates? uhh??....no thanks.

Jon said...

Just the other day I cornered a woman in a bar, stared deeply into her eyes, and told her that I was into sea cows. Then the damn fattie slapped me.

I must have been doing it wrong.

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

@ Earl: REally? You aren't trying to just pick up Zibbs are you?

THAT mr. zibbs, has to be the suckiest pick up scenerio ever.

I could kick your ass just for posting it.

if you doubt me, then bring it!

but, i'd win hands down

booo yaah!!

Dr Zibbs said...

Mrs Holly Hall - I disagree. I'm pretty sure you'd fall for it.

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

MR ZIBBS!!! OOOHH ITT'SS ON!!! IT'S ONN!!

well. maybe. if I don't get distracted by something shiny first.

Dr Zibbs said...

Mrs Holly Hall - If suddenly become single and I run into you and you forget all about this pick up technique I'm totally gonna try it on you.

Bombchell said...

lmao I think u have a better chance is u show her you black card and promise her a trip to walmart after ur date at McD's

Frank Irwin said...

Well, I tried this, and it didn't work. She thought I was talking about some new facial hair trend. And, since she had facial hair, she slapped me.