Incidents That Happened At Who Concerts. Part 1.

I used to go to a lot of concerts. But it seems like at a third of the concerts I went to there was an incident.

And by incident I mean either a fight, a potential fight, someone I'm with getting completely fucked up or some weird or funny thing.

Here's one of the things that happened at one of The Who concerts I went to:

*imagine me in as an old man in a rocking chair telling the tale*

Oh it was way back in the day. Sometime in the 80's.

So the concert was in Philly at JFK stadium. The place was torn down many years ago. So it's a heat wave, The Who is playing and we're on the "floor". The seating was folding chairs.

So everyone is standing on the folding chairs and I feel something spraying on my legs. I turn around and some drunk asshole is peeing on my chair and some of the spray was hitting my leg. With Hulk-like rage I just say, "What the fuck?"...

And I push him so hard that he's thrown back into a row of folding chairs.

He's lying on the ground. His dick is still out and he's peeing on himself.

The security were on him in 10 seconds and threw his ass out.

The end.

And here's a little Who in case you want to play it and pretend you were there.

I Need Some Ideas For A Blog Post. Suggestion Box.

I never thought I would say this but I need some ideas for a blog post. With over 1200 posts, you start to run out of ideas. You know?

I'm sure I can think of something to write but I had to at least get a post up today. And I'd like to make you - the reader - feel like you're contributing. It feels pretty good doesn't it?

So what do you want me to write about? Something you want to know about me? My opinion on something? Clarification of something? Something in my childhood? A teenage story? Beauty tips?

Let me know in the comments. Enter as many suggestions as you want.

Jimmy Schwatzman. Stairway To Stardom. Cabaret.

"STU! COME IN HERE! JIMMY SCHWATZMAN IS ON STAIRWAY TO STARDOM!" (was probably screamed by someone when Jimmy Schwatzman sung Cabaret on Stairway to Stardom back in the day.

But where is he now? I bet some people like Jimmy Schwatzman hate the Internet because something he did years ago, that's so embarrassing is all over the Internet.

I bet when he takes a job he only lasts a few months because someone discovers this video and he has to quit. Out of shame.

Probably.

West Whiteland Neighbors Terrorized By Idiot. Snoop.

If you read my tweets last night you know of the very sad event that happened. And by sad, I mean that I made an ass out of myself.

One of the things that cracks me up the most is when someone is trying to be funny, then something goes wrong. Really wrong. The only time I don't find it funny is when it happens to me.

So here's what happened. I've been taking daily walks in an attempt to lose some weight. I've lost 10 pounds in 4 weeks thank you. So I'm walking around my neighborhood, my ipod is blasting Snoop and a car approaches me from behind.

I keep my same pace and the car is kind of driving right next to me. The window goes down on the car. I stop. The car stops.

It's my friend Calhoun and his wife. So in Snoop rapper style - and gang signal hands I hell, "YOU GOTTA PROBLEM MUTHA FUCKAAA?" as I strut over to car and practically put my head in the window.

*This is where things turn tragic*

It turns out it wasn't my friend Calhoun and his wife. They were total strangers. His face was all, "What's are you doing???"

As soon as I realize it, I pull off my headphones and say, "Oh my God. I'm sorry. I thought you were friends of mine"

"Uh.....that's OK.."

Now I'm going to have to face these people everytime I walk around the block. I think they might even be new to the neighborhood. And it sucks because I don't want to be all embarrassed everytime I pass their house.

Maybe I'll force them to move by making them believe a ghost is living in their house. It might take some elaborate planning but there's really no other option. Is there?

How To Kiss. World's Best Kisser According To A Patch I Have.

If you read my blog you know that I'm very humble. But I will admit that I'm the best kisser that ever lived. In the history of the world.

I have the trophies, plaques and patches to prove it.

My policy is: if the chick doesn't want to rip your clothes off after you've kissed her for 5 minutes you're not doing it right.

Now I'm not gonna go into all my secret techniques. You'll just have to trust me on it. But I may...it's not a promise..but I've mentioned on Twitter that I MAY be setting up a kissing booth. I gotta work out all the details. You know, permission slip, booth construction*, gift card bullshit. You don't just OPEN a kissing booth.

While you're waiting, check out this video on "How To Kiss" that I found on Youtube. I mean...it's got some of the basics but...



*Finding the exact orange hue for the interior shag walls takes longer than you can imagine.

Some Things I've Been Paid To Do. Jobs. Chicken Attack.

Here's a random list of things that I've been paid to do. Most are jobs but a few aren't technically jobs. And most are in order.

- Kissed an Aunt
- Picked up apples for Nana
- Paperboy (was pecked at by chickens and bitten on the ass by a dog)
- Babysitter
- Pamphlet hander outer (in doors)
- Sold flowers on the corner (fucking dangerous at times)
- Customized calendars for plumbing company with calligraphy
- Helped kids learn how to do archery
- Busboy
- Dishwasher (was forced to pluck a chicken one time outside in heatwave)
- Food prep guy
- Telemarketer (used to make prank phone calls when manager left room)
- Sales clerk at audio store at a Farmers Market
- Drove sports cars to New Jersey to be sold at auction
- Participant in a medical "cold study" (drank the whole weekend)
- Factory worker
- Loaded 18 wheeler trucks with boxes
- Sold illegal things
- Business cleaner
- Standup comic
- Product Development Manager and Director for a giftware companies
- Business owner
- Sold things on Ebay and Half.com
- Sales/Marketing

And I'm sure I'm going to think of more. I'll ad them to the comments.

So what did you slackers do?

Al Green Getting It Done. Tired Of Being Alone.

I wish we were dancing to this song. All grindy...gettin' all into it.

No not you! Move over...

You. Yeah you.

Travel Tip That I Really Didn't Want Burned Into My Memory. Italy.

Oh yeah. I just remembered this. Remember when I was telling you that my son took a trip to Italy with his Italian class a few weeks ago? Well I just remembered the meeting we had with the school and the parents before the trip and this crazy travel tip that one of the moms shared:

Teacher: (pointing to one of the moms) Yes? You had a question?

Skeevy Mom: Yes. You were talking about having the kids travel light?...What I used to do when I traveled was get all my old, dirty underwear that I really should have thrown out and I'd pack them for my trip. Then as I wore the old underwear I would just throw them out as I used them so at the end of the trip I had less things to bring home and a bit more room in my suitcase for gifts.

Uh...OK lady.

I Found That Photo I Was Looking For! International Fashion.

Most of you are pussies when someone asks, "Hey! Who wants to look International?"

Not me though - as seen by the picture above. That's me on the left there in the vest type number. So many years ago. The other two guys are my friends Toby and Edwin. And of course Edwin's pain the ass girlfriend Sarah. What a bitch. Well, she was OK but whenever we'd go out and try and get all International she'd insist on tagging along.

And..it kind of doesn't work when you're trying to pick up ladies but you already have a lady hanging out. You know what I mean? It's like Toby used to say, "Istanbul, Milan and Lima don't need no Mumbai ruining things" (those were our nicknames).

Sometimes we would just go places and stand in the pose that you see above (and are totally me and my friends - not models).

Chicks would come up to us asking about our International clothes. And we'd just start rattling off jibberish and try and make it like we knew how to speak some of the crazy and unimportant non English languages - peppering the sentences with English words so at least they KIND OF knew what we were talking about. Like. "Mooga Booga - you wanna toucha your hand here..Francois?" You know...stuff like that.

Those were the days.

Wizard of Oz Mayor Meinhardt Raabe Dies. He Was So Young!

It's true. The Wizard of Oz munchkin mayor has died. The little guy was only 94.

I actually met him at a trade show a few years ago. Did we talk mayoral politics, tiny curly shoes or infighting amongst members of the Lollipop Guild? No. There was really no time for that. But in our short, historic meeting I can tell you that he was a nice guy.

R.I.P . Munchkin Meinhardt Raabe.

Red Hot Chili Peppers Doing Brandy. Married To The Sea.

Here's the Red Hot Chili Peppers doing "Brandy". And for the record - what guys says, "My life, my love and my lady is the sea?"

And no..not a gay guy. There weren't any gays in the 70's. Remember?

Some Dude Commented On My Eight Is Enough Post. TV Songs.

I love getting random comments on my blog from Anonymous people.

It's usually from people that don't have blogs but they find my blog through a Google search. And they're always pissed off.

For example, take a look at this post when I discussed the theme from Eight is Enough.

And here's the comment I got last night:

"No offense, but everyone who has made a degrading comment about the 8 IS ENOUGH theme song has done so for a lack of insight and are products of our seedy pop culture. The song was nice and so was the show. I'm a Judas Priest fan, for heaven sake, and even I can see that. Incidentally, in latter seasons I think they re-recorded the theme song and Goodeve throttled back on the vibrato and the song was'nt as hyper-pure sounding as it had been, and was better. And nevertheless, that show was your last crack at the wholesomeness of the American dream being prime-timed across your screen, so happy sailing if you really think that's a good thing. You freaks probably like hip-hop."

Uhhh. Yeah OK buddy.

Thanks Mr Tie Maker For Pulling The Switcheroo On Me. Exton Boscovs.

So I'm at the Exton Mall yesterday at lunch and I stop in Boscov's. I don't know why Boscov's because I really don't like that store.

So I'm walking by the men's department and I see a table full of ties. It says, "Ties: $9.99 - usually $59.99". And they were really nice ties. Not like the really wide ones or the ones with a tiger peaking out from behind some leaves like you guys wear. That's fine..you guys don't know the difference. But for me? That won't do.

So I picked up this one tie - a very conservative yellow tie with some mixed blue squares in it. Classy, like me.

I buy the tie (thinking to myself, "suckers")and when I put it on this morning, the thin portion of the tie has the words, "Dressed to Kill*" printed all over it. I'm all, "Whaaaa???"

Now you can't see the words because it's the thin part of the tie that's hidden by the wide part but what if like I'm walking down the lane one day and like a freak wind comes and undoes the thin part of the tie that's tucked safely behind the wide part of the tie? Then what? And if someone sees the "dressed to kill" words they're probably going to think that I think I'm trying to be Don Johnson or something.

I think I may have to return it OR keep it but it'll be OUR secret. Please..no narcing.

*If I were one of those douchebag guys I'd get a tie clip and attach it to the lower portion of the tie so a tiny bit of the "dressed to kill" words extended outward. Creating a huge trend.

I Admit It. I'm Addicted To Twitter. Chester County And Beyond.

HI. I'm @DrZibbs and I'm addicted to Twitter. But I really don't feel guilty because I always have my computer on at work and at home and I also have Twitter on my blackberry. So pretty it's pretty much always there. It's great for multitaskers.

When you try to explain Twitter to people that aren't on it they look at you like you're crazy. The way I look at it is that there are hundreds of people in my Twitter network that are talking about stuff. And I can chime in at anytime, usually with a smart ass comment. It's probably like the party lines of the 80's that I never went on because I wasn't a loser...OK..It's probably nothing like that but..

The people I follow are either locals, people that follow my blog, people that are really interesting or funny and some professional comedians and actors that are funny.

On the local scene it's been great. I've probably met about 30 people in the area in real life that are on Twitter. And everyone's been respectful of keeping my Dr Zibbs identity a secret.

On Thursday I was sitting out with my wife at Kildare's in West Chester having some drinks and saw 3 people from Twitter that I've met. Then I saw someone I've never met but introduced myself. It's always great to see the reaction on someone's face when I say, "I'm Dr Zibbs".

Then on Friday I was having a beer with a friend and when he left, I told someone on Twitter to meet me at Ryans Pub. The next thing you knew there were about 10 people there including a few more that I've never met in person.

On my @FatherKelly account I tweet stuff that's intended to be funny. It's a great creative outlet. I've met and have corresponded with some professional comedians that follow me and have told me that they think I'm really funny. So, I've got THAT going for me.

No time to edit this post to make it interesting but there you go. I'll probably think of more things to say and ad them to the comments section.

I Feel Like Dancing To This. The Elements.

I feel like dancing.

Jellineck Speech About Pot. Strangers With Candy. Weed.

I love this clip of Jellineck talking about the dangers of smoking weed. Anyone else love Strangers With Candy? I know a bunch of you do but I have to ask again anyway.

Question About People Trying To Get Laid. West Chester Bars.

So I was out with a friend the other night and we're standing waiting for a band to start when these two girls approached us. Well, I think they approached us. They may have been standing there and I started to talking to them . I kind of forget but I am one of those types of people that talks to everyone.

So anyways, they started getting really flirty - which is good for my friend because he's single and got the phone number of the one chick - after of course I say to her, "You should go out with him...he's single".

He didn't seem to mind it too much.

When I told the other chick I was married she was like, "I don't care" - Say huhhh?. We left shortly after that so no - I was not raped.

So my question is this? What percentage of guys/girls do you think go to a bar with the specific intent of getting laid?

I know that when I was single, that was my mission EVERY TIME I went out - to meet girls. And hook up with them. And I think most guys are the same. But what about women? What percentage at the BEGINNING of the night have in their head that they want to meet some dude and go home with them?

And do you thinking it's a bit different now as compared to the 80's - when I was single?

I Still Say The Last Waltz Is The Best Concert Movie. The Band. Neil Young

This is how I feel sometimes*

This is Neil Young singing Helpless with The Band in The Last Waltz. It's my favorite concert movie. You should get it on DVD. It's great to put on from time to time.



*Don't cry you babies. I'll be OK.

Father Kelly "Draw My Tweet" Contest Results. Carolyn Main.

I give you, Father Kelly*:

And now, the results of the Father Kelly Draw My Tweet Contest. Firstly, I'd like to thank the people that entered. And secondly, I will be faxing the Vatican a list of my followers that DIDN'T enter. Recommending that you all go to hell for at LEAST the orientation.

Shame on you. So here we go.

Runner ups are JenJen who created art on the Tweet: "So I'm sorting through the collection basket booty and I found..you ready for this?.... A hermit crab and a tooth! WTF?

And Hot Little Mongoose who created art based on the Tweet: "Jehovah's Witnesses would get more doors opened if they ran a pizza chain. "Here's your Pizza. You're going to Hell"



And the Grand Prize of The Father Kelly Draw My Tweet Contest goes to Carolyn Main , she also used the Tweet: "Jehovah's Witnesses would get more doors opened if they ran a pizza chain. "Here's your pizza. You're going to hell"

Bless you all. "All meaning the three people that entered".

*You can follow Father Kelly on Twitter here.

Are Men Funnier Than Women? Sedaris, Silverman and Andrea Martin.

Do you think men are naturally funnier than women?

And before you start yelling at me, there are funny women that crack me up. Sarah Silverman, Amy Sedaris, Andrea Martin.

And there are women I know personally that crack me up. But if I were asked to name the top 20 funniest people I know in real life, probably only three women would make the list. I'm just being honest with you. Jesus Christ! Calm down.

But it's not something that bothers me - if someone isn't funny. As long as they're laughing at MY jokes. Or as long as they're feeding me straight lines. Like a comedy team. Such as the famous duo of Gwynne and Lewis. (Yeah. Not really THEM, but.....)

So what do you think? Is it a social thing? Or is humor so subjective that there's no way of measuring it? (Yeah right)

Quick post today so I didn't do any reesearch to find multiple opinions but here's one take on it: clicky here.

Travel Bullet Points. Part 2. Piedras Negras. Nachos.

Here are so more travel bullets points. Man, blogging is getting easier when you just rattle shit off. (To read part 1, click here)

- Dallas: One time while staying at a hotel in Dallas a fire alarm when off in the middle of the night. People emerged from their doors asking, "Is it for real?" I was in a deep sleep when it went off so I just grabbed by stuff. I was the only one to leave. I ended up in the back parking lot in the pouring rain. Stupid!

- Chicago: When staying with my cousin one Summer in 5th grade, we'd go to the top of their 40 floor building and individually release tissues into the windy Chicago air. This is when being green was for stinky hippies. And we also dropped a bucket of water off but the doorman narced us out. Thanks Carlton.

- Mexico: While visiting a factory in the arm pittiest city of Piedras Niegras (Nachos were invented there), We got our van searched by guys with machine guns. I was prepared to go Jean Claude Van Damme on their asses but then I was like, "OK, lets see how this plays out first".

- Connecticut: I was in charge of bringing some of the ladies from the home office in England to visit some various clients on the East coast. After the three day trip we had to take the train back to NYC so they could catch a flight back to England. I was telling some joke when the train pulled up and as we're all still laughing the doors shut. I then realized that we were on the wrong train. SUPER STUPID! (They barely made their flight) .

That is all.

Bad Bad REALLY Bad Leroy Brown. Welk Style.

Hey it's Friday everyone! Let's get rockin' with Bad, Bad Leroy Brown from the Lawrence Welk Show.

Wouldn't it be great if the skeleton of Jim Croce appeared from behind the bandstand and killed everyone on the set?

And the BEST part of this video is Mr Lawrence Welk himself. Look at him throughout the video. He's totally getting into it!! He can't control himself!

You Mean You....An Old Lady Would Like MY Hair? Thanks!

I was talking to my friend @JennRuss on Twitter and I was asking her about her super curly hair and whether people insist on touching it. Of course she said they do. And sometimes they don't even ask. Strangers do this. I'm not surprised.

It's pretty rude if you think about it. I mean, I have like this really great ass* but people don't say, "Excuse me, but MAY I?" (then go in for a squeeze. Kneading it's glory with their fingers - pushing their palms into it - really...really geeettin' in there as if they were making bread. And the moaning? Please. Control yourselves)

OK. Back to the hair story. When I was between the ages of 5 and 14 my hair was really curly. And I'm not kidding when I say that at least 75 times in that period I would be out somewhere and something like this would happen:

Old Lady: (slowly approaches me with her other old lady friend) Oh my God!

Me: (starts to get embarrassed) Me?

Old Lady: Yes you. Your hair is so beautiful. Isn't it just precious Mildred?

Me: (tries not to act horrified)

Old Lady: (asks my mom) Is it real?

My Mom: Yes. Jimmy's hair is totally natural.

God was that shit embarrassing. And many of the old ladies would then say what was always the worst thing, "I wish I had YOUR hair!"

I just hated that. None of them ever asked to take my picture but I wouldn't have been surprised. Then they would have brought the picture into the beauty parlour and said, "I want my hair to look like THIS" - all crabby and whatnot while holding out the polaroid.

That's when I'm a proponent of the old hair dresser statement: "I'm a hair dresser lady not a magician". (Big ole fuckin' fight breaks out and Raul kicks the old lady out and bans her for life)

You tell em' Raul!

*So I've been told...through the random act of people squeezing it.

Some Random Things About Me. Travel Edition. China. Italy.

Freestyle!

Here are some random things that happened one time to me (travel edition):

- This one time in Shenzen, China the factory owner said, "You want women? I send TWO women to your room". I declined.

- This one time in Nashville two chicks grabbed my package. In one night. In one bar!

- This one time in Milan I jumped on the bed with five of my coworkers at three in the morning.

- This one time in Long Beach, California while partying with coworkers a lesbian bit the finger of a straight coworker because she wouldn't dance with her. We laughed like hell because the coworker was a prude.

- One time on a flight from Dallas to Denver I sat next to a 350 pound man that was going to an ice makers convention.

- One time in Frankfurt, Germany the chamber maid walked in as I was walking out of the shower. She was there to turn back the bed.

- One time in Ship Bottom, NJ (as a kid) I hated the vitamins that I was supposed to take so everyday I would throw them under the porch and I got busted by the mom of the family we were with. Thanks Mrs. Brophy.

- This one time in Yiwu, China hundreds of people stopped and looked at me because they never saw a white person before.

- This one time in Virgina Beach I went down a water slide and it gave me an enema.

- This one time in Toledo - I was in a car being driven from Chicago to PA with my cousin) the song, "Shake Your Booty" was on. He said, "Do you know what a booty is?" I said, "Yeah". He said, "What is it?" I said, "I don't know". He Said, "It's a butt". I said, "OK".

Any questions?

Sauerkraut And Music To Cook To. Saint Patty's Day. Recipe.

Since I'll be celebrating my Irish heritage all week because of Saint Patty's Day, I embraced my German background by eating German last night. The meal was pork, mashed potatoes and Sauerkraut. And applesauce.

And when I cook, sometimes I like to play the music of the region for which I'm cooking. Here are some standards I'll play from my Ipod:

German Food: Traditional German Music (I forget the name of the album but there's a lot of Polka).

Italian: The Essential Dean Martin.

Cajun: Buckwheat Zydeco

BBQ: Jimmy Buffet, Beach Boys, Springsteen. Usually just at the beginning of Spring when it's starting to get nice out because it reminds me of the shore.

And just writing this reminds me that I really need to start cooking more. I guess I've been in kind of a funk and haven't been cooking much lately but I really need to get back to it. Anyone have any great recipes they think I should cook?

I've been wanting to make the ultimate mac and cheese for a while. Anyone have the ultimate recipe? I'm also looking for a few good fish recipes. One of my favorite simple standard salmon dishes is this:

Salmon Ala' Dr Zibbs

- Rinse salmon and rub with olive oil. Add salt and pepper.
- Rub dijon mustard on top of salmon.
- Sprinkle brown sugar on top of salmon.
- Grill on cedar plank (soak the plank first in water)

Enjoy!

Toni Marie Terrano, Michelle Sutlovich, Fame and Stairway to Stardom.

I mentioned in the comments the other day about how I used to run in front of the TV when my sister was watching it and start dancing to the theme of the show Fame. Just to be annoying. "Get out of the way! I'm watching this"...as I flailed arms and legs.

So Gage says, "was it like this?"..and leaves a clip to one of the best videos I've ever seen. It's a chick dancing to the theme of Fame. Here it is:



Do you believe that???

It's from a show called Stairway To Stardom. I've never even heard of that show! We had a similar show in the Philly area called the Al Alberts show but instead of untalented adults singing and dancing it was only kids. I'm such a fan of no talents singing and dancing with terrible production. It looks like she's performing in front of an elevator.

Here's another one from that show. It's a little lady named Toni Marie Terrano. Make sure to look for the under the leg clap at 1:43. And how old do you think she is? It's very hard to tell.



And if you want to see an artist rendering of Toni Marie Terrano click here. Move over Mona Lisa.

Always And Forever. Each Moment With You. Prom Night.

Always and forever
Each moment with you
Is just like a dream to me
That somehow came true, yeah

McDonalds Filet O Fish Features Lee From Tenacious D.

If you read my blog, you know that I'm a big Tenacious D fan. If you don't have the Tenacious D Masterworks you really need to get it.

The reason I'm showing this clip is that the actor that plays Lee in the new McDonalds commercial for the Filet O Fish was in the original Tenacious D shorts on Mr Show. And he performed at the concerts .

Here's a clip that features him that I think you'll like. It's a bit long, but it's worth it.

Confession Of Something I Did In High School. Insulation.

I've got a quick confession. In 11th grade* the "joke" in gym class was to hide shoes so when the bell when off you'd be late for class.

So when somebody did it to me I got pissed.

So the next gym day, I broke into the locker of the dude that did it and rubber fiber glass insulation that I got from my attic in the crotch region of his pants. So we're standing in line for the bell to ring and I see him itching his pants. Then itching a bit more. Face getting all nervous. Then he ran over to his locker.

The bell rings.

I see him later in the hall and he was wearing gym shorts.

Lesson: Don't fuck with me because I will get **revengey on your ass.

*Sorry if I posted this before. I was too lazy to look it up.
** I hereby claim the word "revengey".

What The Hell Does This Mean? Pop Up Stuff On TV.

Sometimes if I think of a post I'll write a quick reminder in Blogger so I'll remember to write it later. So a few days ago I wrote:

"Don't Just enjoy the show..enjoy the go..w bear running across the scene 2 seconds after guy falls off bridge on snf. VH1"

And today I was like...What the hell does that mean? Then I remembered. It was a reminder to write a post about the bottom of the screen teasers on TV that you see to remind you what shows are coming up. They're like mini commercials. They're called ad crawlers. I think some bears were running across the screen.

The movie I was watching was Saturday Night Fever and at the part where the drunk dude is on the bridge saying, "Tony, look at me...look at me Tony" he falls to his death. It's then that two cartoon bears go running across the screen as a reminder to watch some cartoon show that has bears on it.

Totally ruined the movie... even though I was just flipping and I've seen in the movie a bunch of times.

And I've read a few articles on the subject lately and they're not going to stop these ad crawlers. There's too much ad revenue to be had.

Do any of my European readers have this in their country yet?