Smells I Like To Smell Because They Smell Good And Stuff. Bacon.

Here are some smells I really like:

- Gasoline - Even though it's dangerous to sniff.
- Hyacinth - My favorite smell of all flowers.
- Women's perfume - Not all of it. Just when a woman walks into a room and it's all, "What the? What's that smell" Then I take I gander and it's like, "Ohhhh yeah." (Does not include old lady "hiding death" perfume)
- Garlic and Onions - As they saute. I do this all the time.
- Leather.
- Honeysuckle.
- Peaches.
- Bacon - cooked (not raw)

I'll probably think of more so make a note to check back.

(Man are these posts getting lame)

Dog Humping Old Lady Equal Hilarity. What The??

This is probably one of the funniest potential rape scenes I've ever seen.

I'm Glad I Don't Have A Pencil Thin Mustache. Andy Devine.

Here's the song Pencil Thin Mustache by Jimmy Buffet. I never even knew there was a video until five minutes ago. Did you?

I've included the lyrics below so you can learn them and not sing the wrong words next time.
Like you always do. Admit it.

And if you really want to know what all of the references are about in the song, click here.

I've got to tell you that I like Jimmy Buffet and I've seen him in concert but some of those Parrot Heads are complete nerds. Their own unique breed of nerd too. Not all of them, but a lot of them.

Am I wrong?




Now they make new movies in old black and white,
With happy endings, where nobody fights,
So if you find yourself in that nostalgic rage,
Honey, jump right up and show your age.

I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache,
the "Boston Blackie" kind, or a
two-toned Ricky Ricardo jacket,
and an autographed picture of Andy Divine.

Oh, I remember bein' buck toothed and skinny
Writin' fan letters to Sky's niece Penny.
Oh, I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache,
then I could solve some mysteries too.
Oh it's Bandstand, Disneyland, growin' up fast,
Drinkin' on a fake I.D.
And Rama of the jungle was everyone's Bawana,
But only jazz musicians were smokin marijuana.
Yeah, I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache,
then I could solve some mysteries too.

But then it's flat-top, dirty bop, copin' a feel'
grubbin on the living room floor;
They send you off to college to try to gain
a little knowledge,
But all you want to do is learn how to score.
Yeah, but now I'm gettin' old, don't wear underwear,
I don't go to church, and I don't cut my hair;
But I can go to movies and see it all there,
Just the way that it use to be.

That's why I wish I had a pencil-thin mustache
the "Boston Blackie" kind, or a
two-toned Ricky Ricardo jacket,
And an autographed picture of Andy Divine.

Oh, I could be anyone I wanted to be,
Maybe suave Eerol Flynn or the Sheik of Araby.
If I only had a pencil-thin mustache,
then I could do some cruising too.

Yeah, Brylcream, a little dab'll do yah,
Oh, I could do some cruising too.

Are You Undateable? Do This Stuff If You Don't Want To Get Laid.

I was reading through this book the other day at the bookstore called Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't Be Dating or Having Sex .

It's basically a book of 311 things that guys shouldn't do, say or wear. Some of the things include:
- wearing socks with sandals.
- wearing a fanny pack.
- wearing a tie with a short sleeve shirt.

Things like that. The only thing that I may be guilty of on the list is having a pair of pleated pants. I think have have a pair put I don't wear them anymore.

Wow. One thing out of 311. I guess that makes me *looks in full length mirror and turns* very, very dateable.

And on a side note, the book is written to be funny. It was in the humor section. I was surprised to see the ridiculous comments on left on Amazon (see link above).

So what things do you think a guy (or lady) should never ever wear or do or say that makes them look like a fool?

Childhood Story About Shoplifting. Big Ole Lesbian On Rampage.

Here's a true story that happened to me about shoplifting. It happened at small convenience store - Deli Grove - that we used to walk to as kids.

I think I was in 7th grade. I will now tell the tale in the way that we probably told people who weren't there.

You're not gonna believe what fucking happened!!

We were at Deli Grove yesterday sitting on the back concrete pad, and the big dike chick comes out and is like, "OK. I know you stole the lighter." To Desmond.

He's like, "I don't know what you're talking about."

She's like, "Bullshit. I saw you steal the lighter. You want me to call the cops?"

Desmond's all, "OK fine, I stole the lighter, here have it back. What are you gonna do? "

And she's like, "I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. You guys are gonna clean up all of this trash back here. Every piece. And if you don't, I'm calling the fuzz".

So as soon as she walks away, Desmond's like, "Fuck that mountain woman, I'm not cleaning up any trash. I'm not her slave. Let's get out of here."

So we all leave. But then we're down near Bull's house and we hear this muscle car coming down Scott Drive. We're like, "What the?...."

Well it's the mountain woman chick in her Chevelle! She screeches the car and jumps out. We're all like, "BOOK!" And we all run in separate directions. Well she catches Desmond and picks him up in this bear hug from behind. LIKE A BIGFOOT WOULD. It's like she had super human strength!

His little boots are trying to kick her and his face is turning all red and everything. We're hiding behind one the pine tree watching the whole thing. He's trying to yell, "GET OFF OF ME!" But his face is all red and everything. Like he can't breath!

She finally drops him and he gets up. After she pulls away he gives her the finger. But she didn't see it. She banned him from the store FOR LIFE. He was trying not to cry but...well he was.

It was fucked up! You HAD to see it!

Growing Up, We Were A Tissue Family And An Ice Family.

It's true, when I was growing up we were a tissue family.

I guess my parents still are. Maybe it's normal with 5 kids and most of them have allergies but I'm not kidding when I say that if you go to my parents house you will find at least one box of tissues in every room.

A box in the small storage drawer by the pool, in both cars...everywhere really.

And if you sneeze?, "Do you want a tissue? Here have a tissue. Just blow your nose. You don't need to blow your nose? What? Then here, put it in your pocket for later. Go ahead. You might need it later."

Tissue people.

My parents are also ice people. There's a huge concern that "WHAT IF WE RUN OUT OF ICE???"

So ice is stockpiled. Just in case. Ice maker in fridge is always full. Then there are six ice trays always full in the upstairs fridge PLUS a bag of ice waiting. And in case someone robs my parents of their precious ice in the middle of the night?...No worries. Because (Shhhhh - don't tell anyone) there's a secret stash in the basement fridge with 6 more full ice trays and an extra bag waiting.

Ice people.

Kind of celebrating here because of several job offers that came in to me. One of which I will be taking.

Now I'd like you...the reader (and my fwend) to celebrate with me. Don't be embarrassed. Fill a plastic glass with Mountain Dew and PRETEND it's champagne in a fine, cut crystal. I won't judge you.

COME ON! We've earned it.

Has Anyone Ever Seen The Life And TImes Of Tim?

Now I really feel out of it. I just saw this show called The Life And Times of Tim last night on HBO. It's hysterical.

But I've never even heard of it. And it's been out for couple of years. Check out this funny clip:



And here's another one. What do you think?

Important Breaking News About My Face. Travolta.

Over the past few months I've noticed a cleft in my chin. A cleft chin if you will.

The weird thing is that I've never noticed it. It's not huge like that ridiculous hole that John Travolta has in his chin*. It's barely noticeable.

In fact, if you saw me and looked at my chin you'd be all, "Where is it? Is it there? Is it there? Is that it?

The only way I know I have it is because when I shave in a downward stroke, I notice that I can't get into the tiny cleft with the razor so I have to shave it sideways to get a totally smooth shave. And I've never had to do this so it is indeed a new development on my face.

Maybe it's because I lost 15 pounds. Or maybe it's because I'm getting closer to dying and my face is starting to turn into a skeleton. I'm not sure.

*Whenever I see Travolta's face I picture a teensy tiny Travolta emerging from his cleft..."Hey, Mr Kotter!"

Ryan Seacrest ISN'T Gay? That Make Me Mad. Julianna Hough.

I really thought American Idol's Ryan Seacrest was gay. And he's not because he's going out with hottie Julianne Hough!

Whaaaa???

I really am surprised. And kind of pissed. Because gay or not he's a total douche.

End of post.

BREAKING NEWS: I Will Probably Be Meeting Eddie Munster Soon! West Chester.

This is a true story:

Those who read my blog know that I live in West Chester, PA. An affluent Chester County area South of Philadelphia. I mention the town often to shamelessly get visitors to my blog.

Well, if you're a pop culture buff you may have read recently that Butch Patrick aka Eddie Munster is moving to West Chester, PA as seen here.

And here's the kicker. He's moving into....are you ready for this?....into MY SISTER'S NEIGHBORHOOD!!

I'm not going to tell you where exactly the neighborhood is but it's a fact that he's moving there. And no, it's not a trailer park. Not all 60's and 70's TV stars are down and out. Or marry down and out people. These are million dollar homes.

It really doesn't matter. What matters is that me, not you, will probably be meeting Eddie Munster soon. I can't wait to show him my Herman Munster imitation: "Uh...Lilly, Lilly. NO NO NO NO" (as I stomp and pieces of the ceiling fall down).

Jealous much?

And when I do meet him, what should I ask him?

Brainstorm! Various Things About Driving.

I've been getting lazy keeping up with this here famous blog. So here's a post about various driving things. I'll do it in bullet point form. But I'm only going to take 3 minutes to write it so I'm warning you - it's probably going to be crappy.

Please feel free to ask questions and I will clarify anything you're interested in.

OR maybe elaborate in a post (And name the post after YOU)

- I'm an expert knee driver.
- I wrecked a car when I was 17. A red Pinto. I rolled it on Route 52 in Chester County.
- I use to "do it" all the time in cars. (Do you know what "do it means?) If you don't know, ask your parents.
- One time I filled the oil in my car up to "the top" because I didn't know better.
- Once a deer jumped over the hood of my car at 80 miles per hour.
- One time I was racing a guy on 95 and his hood blew open.
- My biggest regret about accidents that happened and I wasn't there was in high school when my friends came around a corner and hit some kid's car off of a cliff. (Nobody was hurt).
- I eat entire meals in my car while driving. I use an atlas as my tray.
- The cars I've owned are: Renault Lecar, Hyndai Excel, Nissan Sentra, Toyota Camry and Nissan Maxima.

I told you it was a lazy ass post.

Dr Zibbs DOES Have A Heart. I Do Get Into Crybaby Mode.

I bet a lot of you don't think I have emotions. But I do. I'm not a robot. In fact, I just was walking around the block on my regular Ipod walk and listening to this Beegees song. It almost brought me to tears. Just so sad.

I think depending on what's going on in my life, coupled with my mood, the Ipod music, etc....just gets me all emotional and shit. So here's the first song that got me:



Then, I listened to the The Little Willies. Norah Jones is in that group and I love her. She's just so soothing. Here's her singing "Love me". She just kills me.

OK. Who wants to come come give me a cold compress and rub my back to soothe me?

I'm Gonna Make You A STAAAAAAA!

And then you got this:

Question About People That Has To Do About Nipples And Lips.

I was out with a friend of mine recently and SHE...not me...made this statement: "I have a theory that you can tell the color of someones areolas by the color of their lips. The lips may be a bit darker because of the sun darkening the lips but it's usually a pretty close match".

HUH???

I was more taken back because I can't believe I've ever heard this theory. Being a total areola man and all, I was a bit ashamed. Maybe it's not even true. But the more I thought about it, the more it kind of made sense.

I still need to do some field testing but has anyone ever heard this? Do you think it holds up?

It's Been Too Long. Lawrence Welk. Love Will Keep Us..

Fuck this shit!

I haven't played any Lawrence Welk in ages on this here blog. This is for you Gage. Ladies and Gentleman...Love Will Keep Us Together*:



*I'm too lazy to look but I MAY have played this video before.

Here Are Some Print Ads. And I Made Craaazy Captions For Them.

Some print ads with some captions.


He's a prospector Timmy. A dirty, stinking prospector. Not a respectable accountant like me. And guess what? He's never going to find gold. Not a bit. I KNOW he has a donkey but that's not the point! Helen turn off the God damn TV!"


....."HAHAHAHA!! So I'm like, 'Yeah, I AM fucking your wife'..he goes to hit me and she smashes him in the back with a...with a...hahahaha...with a fucking iron!!!!!!"


I KNEW I was wasting all these years believing in God!


"Hey fatty get over there and eat your lard. Three more pounds and we can get the Lane Bryant catalog for free."


"That's it. Finish your 7up Sweetie and Mommy will give you some corn on the cob."

Feel free to leave your alternate captions in the comments section. It's not a contest so don't get all nervous.

The "Music" On This Makes Me Laugh Till I Cry. Sliding Board.

I remember seeing this video a few years ago on a blog and giggling like an idiot.

It's not so much the video but the "music" is just so stupid it kills me. I picture the dude standing in a room recording it until he got it juuuuust right, "God damn it! I almost had it down. Take 37. MOM. BE QUIET! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M RECORDING DOWN HERE?"

Downingtown Farmers Market. Missing Dummy Video.

Did you ever part ways with something then spent the rest of your life thinking of it?

Let me explain. When I worked in high school at the audio store at the Downingtown Farmer's Market, some weird man came in to see if we would buy his video camera.

I think the year may have been 1980 and it was one of those big ass cameras that they probably still use in Russia today.

So he leave the camera with us and we can take a look at it. And the video tape that was inside the camera was pure gold. Solid 24 karat gold. We hit play and we see him walking in front of a black curtain. He's carrying something. What is it? What is it?

It's a ventriloquist dummy. Oh no this is gonna be good. He places the dummy in the chair and walks out of camera view. The song "In My Life" by Paul McCartney begins to play. You can see the man crawling below camera view so he can get behind the dummy to "work it". Just that craptacular move alone made it great.

He plays the entire song. The dummy lip syncing the song to the crappy audio. The room's all echo and shit. Probably was his basement*. (Or "the staging area" as he probably calls it). At the instrumental portion in the middle of the song he shakes the dummy as if it's supposed to be dancing. But he shakes it so much that it looks like it's having convulsions. So much for subtlety.

The song ends and a piece of loose leaf paper is lifted up toward the dummy that reads, "Happy Anniversary". Crappy handwriting and all.

WHAT????

The description might not sound that funny but trust me. It was one of the funniest/creepiest things I've ever seen in my life.

I wonder if the woman viewed the video and cried tears of joy? Or just slowly backed up..looking for an escape. Was this done in one take? So many questions.

But the biggest question is, "Why didn't we keep that tape???"

And the best part is that when the guy came back he was really proud and asked, "Did you see the tape that was in there? I spent a lot of time on that. It was an anniversary gift to my wife."

*torture chamber

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: If I were that guy I would have made ONE change to the video. At the beginning I would have slowly raised my head into camera view. I would have faked a cough. Then, reached for a glass of water (to sooth the cough. You know what I mean?). I would then have sipped the water as the dummy was playing to show that, "Look, it's the dummy really singing". Which really makes no sense at all because it's obvious that it's Paul McCartney singing. But I wouldn't care. I would then give a shrug as if, "How do you explain this one? Nobody can really, but enjoy the rest of the song". Then I would slowly disappear from view. Slowly, like I was going down an elevator. Maybe I'd push an imaginary elevator button first. I'm not sure.)

Hiii-YA! Is This Offensive Toward Asians? Philly Comic Ed McGonigal.

I was at the Wawa earlier and an Asian guy walked over to the lady in the car next to me and started going off on her. Just yelling like crazy. I think she may have cut him off and then she gave him the finger. It was hard to hear even though I turned my radio down and tried to listen.

And he really started yelling loud. It was to the point that I wouldn't have been surprised if he tried to grab her. But then he just walked away.

So I tweeted that I was going to get involved but I wasn't sure if he knew karate or not. (of course I was kidding because I was about to step in). Is that offensive to Asians? One of my Asian followers said no. I don't THINK it is. I guess because it's complimentary. Like assuming a black dude has a big one or a gay guy knows how to pick out window treatments.

What do I know? I'm just writing this stuff as a joke anyway. But I wonder what people think about these things. I'm sure it's mixed.

And on a related note, here's a really funny video from my friend Ed McGonigal* doing a bit about how the Irish take no offense to their stereotype about drinking. Check it out. It's the first joke in the video.



*Ed was my main man when I did stand-up back in the day in Philly. And for the record, I used to always call him "Crazy Legs" McGonigal. For no other reason that I thought it would be funny/stupid if when he went up onstage he said, "Crazy Legs McGonigal coming at you" - and did that thing where you hold your front knees then shake them around (like the flappers used to do). So after about a year of begging him to do it he finally did. And he's like, "There, you happy Zibbs?" And I was.

Do You Think This Dating Video Is Fake? Video.

Why are you ladies always complaining that there are no great men left?

Look at these prizes*.



*I actually think this whole thing was staged and that they're actors. What do you think?

Bingo The Dog Is Finally Gone. Burying A Dog Sucks.

A few weeks ago I mentioned how we had to put my dog Bingo to sleep because we found out he had cancer of the spleen. And we were going to do it right away because the vet said he only had a few weeks to live.

After talking to the vet more she said that he wasn't really in pain, just some discomfort. So we decided to take it day by day. And although he was more tired than usual, and followed us around more than more, he didn't seem that bad.

He even ran out the door and followed me up the street just a few days ago. I looked back and he was running after me, his big old lab tail wagging. Running a bit slower than usual but still running.

Well yesterday things took a turn for the worse. He started to bleed a bit out of his ass.

So we called the vet, and instead of telling us to bring him to one of the vets that was open on a Sunday she said, "I live in Downingtown. I'll be there in half hour." Which was so great.

She came over and we decided to have him put to sleep right there. On our front porch. It was really, really sad but also very peaceful. I didn't think that I'd be able to sit through it but I did. We talked to him as he got the first injection and got more and more tired.

Over the 20 minutes it took for him to be sedated a few people were walking their dogs around the block. He would normally bark but instead he just looked up. Once he was fully sedated, she gave the second injection and it was over in five minutes.

I even asked if she could help wrap him up in the blanket because just moving him around while he was lifeless was too much. So she wrapped him up. Swaddled him really. We thanked her and she left.

We decided to bury him in the back yard so we put him into the wheelbarrow and wheeled him to the back of our yard next to the creek. It was right next to where we buried all of the other frogs, gerbils, Guinea pigs and hermit crabs over the years. But this hole was going to have to be a lot bigger.

I dug the hole while Bingo laid wrapped in his favorite blue blanket. The hole took about an hour to dig because there were so many rocks. I'd stop once in a while and just look at the blanket - not believing he was dead. And cry a bit.

Finally, after digging the hole, we put him in the hole and made sure he was curled up. We then put two of his stuffed animals in with him. Then filled in the dirt. There was a huge rock that I put in front of his grave. I may paint his name on it.

A sad day. But I'm glad we decided to bury him in the back yard instead of having him cremated. At least we'll know he'll always be there.

Goodbye Bingo. You were a great dog.

Various 70's Advertising Images That I Like. Gremlin.

Here are a few 70's ads I found on the internet:


...And then, kick her down a flight of steps and dump some garbage on her. That's what they really want.


You mean I only have to make a multi-year commitment and potentially put my life in danger and I get some fine luggage? I'M IN!! Wait. Is it that faux alligator skin? It is? OK. Just checking.


That's right ladies. I'm a model. You may have seen me struttin' my stuff in that trousers ad. Remember that? Sure you do. But what's great is that now you can get my image in postcard form so you don't have to clip out my trouser ad and tape it to an index card and pretend it's a postcard. You're too sophisticated for that. And plus look at my sexy belly hair.


Just when I thought the Gremlin couldn't get any cooler you can now get it with seats that look like denim!


I have nothing funny to ad here. I just wanted to remind myself to track down these shoes. Seriously, look at them.

Weird Book Combination That I'm Reading. Swimming And Reading.

I've been spending a lot of time in my parents pool over the last week because of the heat here in South Eastern PA.

And when I'm not actually swimming I like to set up a beer in the low end and read. I like to walk in circles in the low end and read while I'm walking. So in the past week I've probably walked 10 hours in the pool.

It beats what some of you guys are doing when you're in the pool reading. Like inhaling a cheesesteak.

I'm not judging.

I also like to alternate what I'm reading. I'll read a few magazine articles for instance then I'll switch to a book. But this week I've been switching between two books. And I realized that maybe I AM a weirdo because one of the books is one of the saddest books I've ever read and the other has me laughing out loud.

I bet the people that are spying on my from in the woods are all, "Huh?"

The sad book is My Lobotomy by Howard Dully. It's super sad. It's about a man that was given a lobotomy in 1960 when he was 12. The really sad thing is that there was nothing really wrong with him. Trust me, you'll be crying.

The funny book is My Custom Van by Michael Ian Black. It's HYSTERICAL. It's a book of funny essays. I'm telling you, you've GOT to read this book. A few examples of the chapters are:

- One Day I'm Going To Open A Scented Candle Shop.
- A Series of Letters To The First Girl I Fingered.
- Lewis Black Hates Candy Corn: A Rebuttal

And as I'm switching between the two books I'm thinking, "Something is really weird about this".

Maybe not. I don't know.

Get Your Tissues Out Babies. Willie Nelson.

Sometimes when you're really, really sad - nothing helps better than a sad song. Like Willie Nelson doing this:

If You Got Money For Plastic Surgery How Would You Spend It? Pecs.

I'm not sure if I'd ever get plastic surgery but who knows? Maybe in 15 years or something if my face gets all saggy and shit I might consider it.

But if someone gave me money now and said I HAD to spend it on some type of plastic surgery I MIGHT get a pec implant. Two of them. This of course is after two seconds of thought I just gave to it. I'm not even sure if they look good or not. I guess since I'm kind of thin I think it would look good on me.

Do straight guys even get pec implants? Or is it maybe even just for dudes that have that weird woman boob condition. Which I DO NOT have.

You see, the problem is, no matter how much I lift I can't get muscly. Not that I'm lifting now, but a few years ago I lifted religiously for about a year and a half. And I was eating tons of protein. If anyone else had done the same workout I swear they'd look like the Incredible Hulk. With me? You could only kind of tell.

I was also doing tons of running and biking at the same time so maybe that's part of it. I don't know.

Anyway....if someone gave you unlimited money for plastic surgery what would you get done?

The Content Of This Post Will Make You Mad. West Whiteland.

So check this out.

There was a really violent storm in Chester County, Pa on Thursday. It was so bad that it took down a huge tree in my neighbor's yard. I'm pretty bad at estimating height but it was over twice the size of a two story colonial home. It was a maple tree.

So I'm taking by Ipod walk that night and I approach the area where my "You got a problem Mutha Fucka?" incident happened. And I notice police tape around the area where the tree fell. Like an idiot, I duck under the police tape and continue walking.

I see people jumping up and down waving to me. It's a crowd of people that gathered to look at the damage. I take my ear buds out and their yelling, "THERE ARE LIVE WIRES IN THERE!"

Whoops. So I duck out of the danger area and continue my walk. OK. I know -it was stupid. I really wasn't thinking that there would be live wires.

Now a bit later I end up playing darts in Calhoun's garage with a few other neighbors. I leave about 11:30 but everyone else stays.

I find out the next day that after I left, they all smelled something burning. They said it smelled like when you're getting your teeth drilled at the dentist. They go out to investigate and there's a deer lying on one of the live wire's and he's being electrocuted.

They call 911 and the police arrive.

The next day came and my neighbor who was there for the ordeal says he drove by the deer at nine in the morning and it was still alive. Having convulsions on the wire. NINE HOURS LATER!

Can a body do that when it's dead or do you think it was still alive? And it if was still alive, aren't police supposed to shoot animals in that situation? I have no idea what the rules are in West Whiteland (Chester County, PA) but that is just wrong!

And guess what? The deer is now dead but it's still lying on the side of the road in my neighborhood. And they just yesterday covered it with some type of blanket. And it STINKS!

The whole incident stinks! Thanks for nothing West Whiteland.

Ladies and Gentleman..The Carpenters. Close To You.

Feel free to sing along.

Or sway.

A Pet Dying Sucks. We Love You Bingo.

I'm playing this short video of a puppy lab because I just found out my lab Bingo has cancer and we have to put him to sleep this week.

We just told the kids. This sucks.

Real Sex Talk From Doctor Before I Got Married. Being Clean.

Remember when I told you about the sex talk I got from my Dad? No? Click here to read it.

Well I just remembered the sex talk I got from my wife's family doctor when we went to get our blood tests before we got married.

We had been warned of this ridiculous sex talk from some of my wife's cousins and honestly, I thought they were exaggerating. But they weren't because it was as ridiculous as they said it would be.

Here are two parts that I remember. I just stared at a chart on the wall and tried with everything in me not to laugh as the 80 year old doctor said:

"Now Jim, there might be times when...when you're feeling a bit amorous. And you might come in the house from working on the car and you might feel the desire to just GRAB at your wife. You really shouldn't do that way. It's best to clean yourself up and start things slow. That's the best way."

"And you really should just stay away from anal sex. It's just dirty."

I swear this is true.