Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Dots A Good Von - Concerning Jive Turkey Sleeping Hillbilly


I love hearing great stories. A friend told me a great one the other night. Here's the tale in the words of my friend:

"So my brother is kind of like a hillbilly character. He lives in a trailer in Florida. So he's all drunk and he wonders out into a field behind the trailer park to play his banjo. The thing is, he's so drunk, he falls asleep."

"He said he was asleep for a few hours when BAM! This huge thing slammed into his chest like someone dropped something on him! He's like, 'what the hell?' He opens his eyes and it was a GOD DAMN TURKEY VULTURE! - the thing must have thought he was dead."

"So he looks over and there are two other vultures about ten feet from him and one circling above. What the fuck?"

I was laughing my ass off when he told me this. Seriously, what the hell? Could you imagine if that thing took a bite into him? The closest thing to this happening to me was when chickens and rooster would attack me when I was doing my paper route. Oh yeah....and a German Shepherd bit me on the ass while on that route too.

So does anyone have any good "When animals attack stories?" Let the comments begin.

23 comments:

Son of a Thomas said...

My wife rescued a 90 lb. Pitbull that looked like he was built with the left over parts from the Frankenstein monster. While I was in the shower, she allowed "Duncan" on the bed. I cam out, got somewhat dressed and got into bed. When I went to kiss my wife, "Duncan" decided to growl and crawl inbetween us.
I said "This is Bulls***!" and told the dog to get down from the bed. With teeth bared he lunged barley catching my hand.
Long story a bit longer....
Duncan was removed from my bedroom where he spent the next month in his crate and besides food and water, he was ignored by myself, my wife and my children. That did the trick. Never a problem again. He turned out to be one of the best dogs we have had.

ÄsK AliCë said...

Ok, I would try to think of a story but I'm still laughing too hard about the turkey vultures

B.E. Earl said...

"Well I killed a gopher with a stick once!" - Dr. Frank Burns

SkylersDad said...

I knew a guy growing up that saved forever to buy himself a Buick Electra 225 with a rag top. Just a couple of months after getting it, he hit a deer at night and the deer flipped up over the hood and came down through the rag top with all four legs.

The deer was thrashing to get out and the hooves cut up everything inside the car before finally removing the top as it freed itself. The guy had slammed on the brakes and bailed out of the car to try and stay alive.

Kimmie said...

When I worked at DuPont, the place was overrun by geese. Well, it was mating season and a mother goose laid her eggs near our entryway. Each time we would walk in the bldg, she'd swoop down on our heads, or if she was on the ground she would run toward you, spitting and hissing, and flapping her wings. Talk about intimidating! I used a different entry until those little effers hatched.

saratogajean said...

Growing up in California, my sisters and I learned to kill snakes with my mom's gardening tools.

We were so blood thirsty that we killed mostly black snakes, but once my sister killed a rattler ALL BY HERSELF and brought the body to my mom. Mom flipped out and we weren't allowed to kill snakes anymore.

But we still did.

Also we had lot of mice and I would dare my sister to snap the mouse traps around the house. She never once snapped her finger. I am still impressed.

csquaredplus3 said...

That's a funny story.

Once I was laying in the sun with a friend - tanning our backs - we were about 15. I felt something on my back, and I looked at my friend and said, "Is there something on my back?" She said, "It's a BIRD!" A black bird had landed on my back. It was weird.

That damn expat said...

I'm laughing my ass off over this part:
"So my brother is kind of like a hillbilly character. He lives in a trailer in Florida. So he's all drunk and he wonders out into a field behind the trailer park to play his banjo. The thing is, he's so drunk, he falls asleep."

The Vegetable Assassin said...

That is just AWESOME. :) And kind of scary.

I can't get over the idea that you were once chased by a COCK.

Cary said...

Love that story. Sounds like something my brother-in-law would do.

I had several animal encounters during the summer I spent in Yellowstone Park. I was charged by a bison -- those fuckers are mean -- but was right next to a busy road and was able to dart between oncoming traffic to elude him. I decided that if I had to be hit, I'd rather it be a car than a bison.

My wife (girlfriend at the time) and I were cornered by a moose next to Yellowstone Lake one night. We'd walked down to the lake from the lodge to get a better look at the stars, but when we turned around to go back, there was a huge moose silhouette between us and the lights of the lodge. We froze until deciding to try to walk slowly away from him along the edge of the lake, but as soon as we took a couple of steps, he snorted at us like he was gonna charge. So we just sat on the ground and didn't move until he finally sauntered off. It was a lot more frightening than it sounds. Those jokers are HUGE and ornery.

Never did see a bear in the wild. And glad for that.

Talullah said...

My Mother-In-Law has hit 3 deers at different times with her car. Actually she has hit 2, the third one hit her. She was driving down the road and this freakin deer came out of the woods and ran right into the passenger side door. When she called her Insurance company, the Mensa Candidate they had answering the claims line actually asked her if she knew who the deer belonged to. Moms said her guess would be either God or Mother Nature, depending on your religion. She finally had to explain to the girl that a deer, at least in our part of the country are pretty much always a wild animal.

Giggle Pixie said...

When I was in 1st grade my mother used to make me wear this stupid bright red stocking cap. One of my classmates lived directly across the street from the school, and he had a pet crow. Yeah, I know - WTF?! But anyways, one day the crow got out of their house and was "loose", and when we all were let out for recess it flew over, I guess to find its "master". Well, it saw that damn red hat on my head and was determined to take it, only all I knew was that some fucking bird kept flying into my head and pecking at me!! I ran screaming towards the school, the fucking bird kept pecking at my head, and the teacher had to flap at it several times with her arms to get it off me.

I still can't stand fucking birds.

Chris said...

Fucking hilarious! The term for hillbilly in Florida is "Florida cracker". Or my other favorite was "Okeechobes".

Scope said...

No animal story, but how bad did the dude SMELL for the bird to think he was dead?

Cora said...

Oh, I'm sooo with Scope (but, uh, not physically) that must've been one funky guy for vultures to mistake him for dead!!!!

Thanks for visiting my blog, Dr. :-)

Rebecca Kelsey of Miss Random Bliss said...

On my first trip to a petting zoo, a goat bit me! I didn't go back for quite awhile

J.J. in L.A. said...

My brother had a goat...we didn't DARE sit on the grass and turn our backs because that damn animal would charge us! It's name became "Shithead" because that's what we yelled while eating the turf.

buffalodick said...

Turkey Vultures are rare in my part of Michigan.. Driving home one day, there sat one dead nuts in the middle of the road(residental!) mouwin' down on some road kill squirrel! I couldn't even get people to believe what I saw!

Argentum Vulgaris said...

Vultures are usually drawn by the smell of carrion, did this guy by chance have a severe case of tinea, or something that resembled dead and putrifying flesh?

We have vultures around all the time, like most places have seagulls or pigeons...

AV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/

Fancy Schmancy said...

Once when we were at the beach, a seagull landed right on my nieces head and stole her sandwich out of her hands! Fucking Ocean Rats.

Caffeine Court said...

We have turkey vultures all over the place in this neck of Jersey. They are so primitive and scary looking!!

Okay, here's my story. I almost got raped by a sheepdog.

When I was about 13 my aunt and uncle got this HUGE sheepdog from the SPCA. His name was Chauncy. (You always remember your first dog.) Anyway, he cornered me in the living room and started humping the crap out of me.


Every time I tried to push him off he growled and bared his teeth like he was going to bite my throat. Luckily my uncle came in and saved me before he finished his business on my leg!!!

miss milly said...

hilarious!!!

Sadly my crazy animal stories are not so crazy...

@ 3 I was terrified of our pet cat who loved to bite my toes under the table and as I slept. We would have mexican stand offs every day when I tried to go up or down the stairs.... he was evil..... though somehow managed to become a cat person.

@ 10 I was attacked by about 30 geese wanting my fruit loops cereal while I sat by the river during Folk Fest in princes island park. To this day I despise the canadian goose.

@14 had a dead fish fall from the sky and land at my feet..... followed by 2 warring sea gulls who proceeded to rip the dead fish apart in front of me. Sad thing was i was waiting for my fish and chips at the fish and chip shop.

.....about 5 minutes later I was shat on twice by a flock of sea gulls

@ 14-15 watched my cat fall through the ceiling (it was a drop down ceiling) while mom and i were quietly watching tv. I think he was checking to see if our hearts were still in working order.

@18 I was humped on the back by some strangers pit bull. scared the hell out of me. I think he just liked the smell of my leather coat.

@ 22 I saw a horse with an erection.

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