Sunday, December 3, 2006

Angry Mob Storms Home and Kills White Trash Owners of Inflatable Lawn Decoration

Downingtown, PA

An angry mob stormed the home of Patty and Charles Neely and pummeled the couple to death in front of their large inflatable Christmas carousel Saturday night.

"I have absolutely no remorse in what I did" said mob leader Mike McGinley. "We've tolerated everything from hummingbird whirligigs to Grumpy and Dopey windsocks. Their philosophy has been 'the more crap we can put on our lawn the better' - When I saw that bastard blowing up this white trash beacon, I hit the roof."

Inflatable Christmas Carousel (actual photo of bloodied inflatable replaced by charming catalog picture)

According to consumer behaviorist Pam Danziger, the most enthusiastic seasonal decorators will spend $519 this year, up 9.5 percent from 2005. THAT BLUE YAK researchers were unable to obtain the white trash breakdown of those numbers. Add in the hundreds of holiday accoutrements that can be purchased at dollars stores - and you must ask, is a dollar figure really relevant?

"This event has brought the neighborhood together" said fellow mob member Tim Hardey. "What's next after you put a blow up carousel on your lawn. Jesus Christ! And what the hell motivates someone to do that? Have they ever looked at ANYTHING and said, 'No..this might be a bit too much' - I don't think it's ever crossed their minds. When Mike called me up and asked if I would be interested in joining the mob, I headed straight to my basement, grabbed my pitchfork and was ready to roll"

Further investigation reveal that the entire neighborhood has been stewing since the Neely's moved in 12 years ago. Wendy Hardey chimed in with her comments, "When they stepped out of the moving van you just knew. I week after they moved in, there was all this crap on their front yard - I counted 112 items - and these were non holiday items. After seeing their Halloween display, I knew Christmas was going to be taken to a new level. The Peanuts Nativity - with Snoopy baby Jesus. The plastic elf hats they actually put ON the heads of their lawn Buddhas - huh?. The 10' candy cane lights - four of them broken I may add. I mean - just look at it."

In a restraint not unlike Jesus, the neighbors decided against torching the house. Some say the they feared the stink of plastic would be nearly impossible to remove from their clothes. A tired Timmy Hardey however summed up the decision to leave the house unburned in his own way,

"Maybe the next people who move in won't be such losers"....Maybe Timmy. Maybe.
God Bless.

Saturday, December 2, 2006

Ron Howard's Brother Clint Voted Freakiest Dude by Memphis Based Self Esteem Club

Memphis, Tenn. Members of the Memphis based "Self Esteem Club" - gathered Tuesday to debate the features of Clint Howard - Ron Howard's brother and former Gentle Ben star. Dome shaped head or rodent-like teeth were the characteristics being discussed.

In a statement by founder John Gordan,

"Our Self Esteem Club has been helping Memphis area children feel good about themselves by discussing people that are different and disturbing. Our focus for the next few months will be on Clint Howard - DAMN IT is he a great choice... I mean, just look at that guy !"

The "At least you're not Clint Howard" opening day festivities included:
  1. "Let's Reeaaally Take a look at These Features" (lecture)
  2. "How anyone can 'be themselves' .....except Clint Howard" (lecture)
  3. "If I were Clint Howard I would Probably Walk Around Like This...." (improv session)
  4. "Just Look at Him" (meditation and personal reflection session)
  5. "Let's tell him How we Really Feel" (arts and crafts/postcard session)

"The community has really embraced this program - and the kids? ..Forget about it. Basic human nature will tell you that if you see someone else worse off than yourself and you can laugh at that person - you're going to feel better", said Gordan.

"When you see one of these kids, especially the screwed up ones throwing a beanbag at a huge picture of Clint Howard and hitting him square on his big assed dome head...and then the kid jumps for joy - you've made a change. It's a magical feeling."