Sunday, December 3, 2006

Angry Mob Storms Home and Kills White Trash Owners of Inflatable Lawn Decoration

Downingtown, PA

An angry mob stormed the home of Patty and Charles Neely and pummeled the couple to death in front of their large inflatable Christmas carousel Saturday night.

"I have absolutely no remorse in what I did" said mob leader Mike McGinley. "We've tolerated everything from hummingbird whirligigs to Grumpy and Dopey windsocks. Their philosophy has been 'the more crap we can put on our lawn the better' - When I saw that bastard blowing up this white trash beacon, I hit the roof."

Inflatable Christmas Carousel (actual photo of bloodied inflatable replaced by charming catalog picture)

According to consumer behaviorist Pam Danziger, the most enthusiastic seasonal decorators will spend $519 this year, up 9.5 percent from 2005. THAT BLUE YAK researchers were unable to obtain the white trash breakdown of those numbers. Add in the hundreds of holiday accoutrements that can be purchased at dollars stores - and you must ask, is a dollar figure really relevant?

"This event has brought the neighborhood together" said fellow mob member Tim Hardey. "What's next after you put a blow up carousel on your lawn. Jesus Christ! And what the hell motivates someone to do that? Have they ever looked at ANYTHING and said, 'No..this might be a bit too much' - I don't think it's ever crossed their minds. When Mike called me up and asked if I would be interested in joining the mob, I headed straight to my basement, grabbed my pitchfork and was ready to roll"

Further investigation reveal that the entire neighborhood has been stewing since the Neely's moved in 12 years ago. Wendy Hardey chimed in with her comments, "When they stepped out of the moving van you just knew. I week after they moved in, there was all this crap on their front yard - I counted 112 items - and these were non holiday items. After seeing their Halloween display, I knew Christmas was going to be taken to a new level. The Peanuts Nativity - with Snoopy baby Jesus. The plastic elf hats they actually put ON the heads of their lawn Buddhas - huh?. The 10' candy cane lights - four of them broken I may add. I mean - just look at it."

In a restraint not unlike Jesus, the neighbors decided against torching the house. Some say the they feared the stink of plastic would be nearly impossible to remove from their clothes. A tired Timmy Hardey however summed up the decision to leave the house unburned in his own way,

"Maybe the next people who move in won't be such losers"....Maybe Timmy. Maybe.
God Bless.

1 comment:

greeneyesmcl said...

I won't have to decorate for Christmas soon since my neighbors have so much crap that they'll soon be extending into my yard. Not only visual, but music making items. We're almost to St. Patrick's day and they still have some stuff up, not really up because half the string of house lights are falling down.