Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Lucy The Elephant Survives Hurricane Sandy. I'm In The Butt of And Elephant!

How did you guys survive Sandy? OK over here in Chester County, PA. Actually only a few limbs around and some creek flooding as far as I saw in my parts. But the Jersey shore got hammered. I just however saw something on the news saying that Lucy the Elephant survived. There's the picture above.

In case you don't know Lucy is a historic building shaped like an elephant and it resides in Margate, NJ. I just had to laugh when they mentioned Lucy because I just think of the time when I was on vacation at the shore and I took my son there. He was about three at the time. Well you go inside of Lucy and you sit crossed legged on the floor as this ancient tour guide gives a half hour presentation about the history of Lucy. And trust me when I tell you it was without doubt the most boring tour that I've ever been on.

In a monotone voice he was saying things like, "....and then when renovations began in 1922 several members of the preservation board such as Martin T McLeary, Samuel Meller and Morris Jones pushed to have an extra $1200 allocated to refurbish the legs that some thought were weakened in a storm the previous year. Council President Harry L. Morrison - also the owner of Morrison and Flint Feed Store - was in agreement but thought $900 would suffice. So the renovation was stalled for a period of 4 months...."

And it went on and on. I looked around and everyone was just looking around the room, rubbing their hands on the floor, looking up at the roof, at their watches. Ten minutes later when you thought it was done he says, "And they finally agreed on  $1000 for the renovation. But that wasn't the end of it. In 1927...."

Just then my son let out the biggest sigh of boredom that echoed in the tiny wooden room, "hhhh ahhhhhhhh!!!"

Everyone turned around and looked at him and started laughing. They were all fighting off the same sigh. Seriously, if you're going to have a tour about something like Lucy the Elephant at least mention his sphincter window:.....

"Look at meeeeeeee! I'm in the butt of a giant elephant!"

"Timmy sit down! They're about to discuss the bidding process that was involved when they redid the steps in 1976!"

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Can't Believe I Haven't Run Into My Skanky Old Hair Dresser.

It's been two years. And I still haven't run into the lady that used to cut my hair. I'm not sure why I waited so long to dump her ass. Not only did she tell the most boring stories about herself but she was super skanky. I'm talking manly face, dry hair, large moles....But she thought she was hot. She would always tell me how guys liked her. I'd be all, "Really?" While trying not to have a throw up face on.

I think a lot of women that are thin and skanky think they're hot just because they're thin. Kind of like some women with blond hair think they're hot because of the blond hair. 

And I'm not kidding her stories were the most boring I've ever heard. She would give details that didn't even matter for the story. I swear this is a real "story." See how much of it you can take....

"So I was going to go to the 76ers game but wasn't sure if Dave my husband could go or not. He usually does go but he was thinking about working late so I was like, 'Maybe I'll just ask my friend Diane.' So I called up Diane. She's really nice. She used to work with me when I was at my last job. She was like, 'I'm not sure but I think I can.' So she calls back and says she can and I was like, 'Great.' And it worked out perfectly because my son was going to stay late for basketball practice so my husband could just pick him up. So I'm getting ready and I'm really in the mood for a turkey wrap. So I'm thinking why don't we just get some wraps on the way down and that way we don't have to stop because I like to get there a little early. So I pick up Diane and I was running a bit late because I had to stop at Wawa. And there was traffic. So I get Diane and we're on the way down and my son called and his basketball practice was cancelled. Which is fine but sometimes it's hard to get a hold of my husband because he gets the worst cell phone reception."

And it goes on. And on. And on.

And there's no interesting point. It would just be the details of her plans to go to the basketball game and then driving there. And I was just sit and nod. Sometimes to amuse myself I would say things in my head silently that I wanted to say out loud like, "Guess what? I don't give a shit!" or "Wait. Tell me the part about maybe getting turkey wraps. That's so interesting! I have a friend that likes turkey wraps!

So finally I dumped her and never looked back. Now I have a super cute chick cutting my locks. AND she's really interesting.

I still don't get how people that are really boring can be blabbermouths too Don't they see the expression on the faces of everyone they talk to? So I'm saying this: If you're boring keep your pie hole shut and listen to us interesting types. Take notes.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Bridesmaid Dresses, Dumb Books and More! Batman Water Pistol.

Some various pictures for your viewing pleasure:

*talking like a ghost* "Puuuut something innnnnn meeeeeeee."

Photographer: No! You on the left. Step back one step! Do you want these pictures to look stupid or nice?

*In Paul Lynde voice*  "I'm not sure if it's more fun to fill or squirt."

Blond dude: (after 10 minute diatribe) You see...being awesome comes down to one thing. And that one thing is accepting Jesus as your personal savior. *random football hits him in the face*

"I don't know how to tell you this so I'll just come out with it. You my dear...are going to be a STAHHHH!"

Monday, October 22, 2012

Who Wants In On A Ground Floor Money Making Venture? Hair Net Related.

Imagine sitting on your yacht basking in the sun. You don't have the money? Well you will once you lend me money for my new product then I pay you back once it's a hit.

OK. So you know when you're getting a blow job and the chick's hair keeps falling in her face so you have to hold it back so you can see her? Well I gots two words for you: Hair. Net.

It's a "sexy" hair net that will keep the hair out of her eyes for your viewing pleasure. 

But I'm going to have my designers come up with a few super sexy hair net versions so it's just not a just simple lunch lady hair net. Really class it up. It's hard to explain. You're just going to have to trust me on this.

I'm going to advertise it with a kick ass infomercial too. Like the guy will be fumbling to hold her hair back. And he's getting all frustrated. And he'll try to put a scrunchy in her hair but he does it with one hand and he can't do it  - maybe pokes her in the eye like a clumsy ass oaf - and the girl gets up and says, "Forget it. It's not worth it." Then she leaves. He's left sitting there looking like a pathetic dope. What a loser. 

Maybe at the end you'll see the girl down there then the guy has two hands free to read a book. OK. Get your check books ready.


Saturday, October 20, 2012

Wonder Sauna Hot Pants And Haters of Said Puffy Pants.

I'm thinking about wearing Wonder Sauna Hot Pants around then when people laugh and say, "What are THOSE??" I'm going to pin them against the wall and say, "You God damn son of a bitch my grandfather died in World War 2 fighting for freedom! NOW what do you have to say??!!"

Then I'll just point at them and sternly nod as I walk away. It's really the only way to do it.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Did You Know? Mr Belvedere's Nuts and Debra Winger Farting.

Here are two hysterical celebrity stories that you may not know about. Totally true. Did you know one day when they were taping that dumb show Mr Belvedere that Mr Belvedere came in wearing a track suit, proceeded to sit down and - are you ready for this?....He sat on his nuts and had to be carried out on a stretcher.  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! Read the story here .

Here's the second story that's even better. When filming Terms of Endearment Debra Winger hated Shirley MacLaine so much that she once farted on her. True story as seen here .

Most of the blurbs on this don't go into detail but I'm dying to know everything. Was it a simple crop dusting? Was it planned? Somebody must know. What a pig.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Lions Share Restaurant 9th Grade Grinding Story. Drunk Hostess. Cans Pressed Into My Back.

I ran into this woman the other week and it hit me. I totally forgot about about this story.  I WAS SEXUALLY HARASSED!

Not that I was complaining about it but....

It was in 9th grade and I was a busboy at the Lions Share Restaurant. There was this hostess that was probably around 23 years old I would guess. Kind of cute but on the chubby side. Big boobs. And she was always friendly but she would occasionally sneak drinks from the bar and get bombed throughout the night.

And when she did she was alllllll hands. I remember walking back from the kitchen and it was starting to wind down so I stopped in the hostess area. I leaned over and was looking at the reservation book (young butt glistening - the woft of beef wellington, clams casino and French onion soup clinging to his tight Levis) when all of a sudden I feel these hands around my waist and it was her. Audry. And she grinds up against me and all drunk and what not says, "What are YOU doing out here?"

I stand up and I'm all "What the??" Then she pulls me in and smooshes her huge 23 year old 1979 cans into my back and leans to the side of my face and says, "So what are YOU doin'?"

Then I got all nervous, probably gulped and squeaked out, "Ummm cleaning tables?" I stood there for a minute thinking, "I can feel her boobs!" Then I kind of slipped away. She did it a few times after that then it never happened again. I forget.

Man talk about a missed opportunity. But It would be a few years until I developed my game. I didn't know what to do. And for the record she was super nutty. I think she was mental or on drugs because once on a busy Saturday night I walked out and was holding a chair and repeatedly walking into the wall with it and bouncing back as she looked at the wall in a zombie like state. I had to run to the kitchen and get the cook to come and get her.

And before you all start getting worked up with the visual of what happened it wasn't that hot. Because in 9th grade I didn't look like this:

I looked a bit more like this:

Without the glasses. Or the part in the hair. Hmmmmm....maybe I WAS hot!

To read the story I wrote about when some dude crapped his pants at the Lion Share click here.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Question About Women Bending Over to Show Cleavage. Landmark Americana. Hiring Hotties.

Sometimes I'll go into this place Landmark Americana in West Chester to get a few cold ones. And let me tell you that the waitresses are pretty cute. Mostly college girls. And they don't wear Hooters type slutty outfits but they do wear slightly low cut tops which reveal their nubileness.

And they're all very friendly mind you lest you think I'm a perv.

Here are the two questions I have:

1) When bars or restaurants hire mostly hot girls what do they tell the ugly ones when a qualified ugly one calls back and says, "Why wasn't I hired?" And they might even see that there is still a help wanted sign up and they're fully qualified.

And for the record I'm all for places hiring the good looking if that's their theme. I remember a few years back a dude was suing Hooters because they wouldn't hire him as a server. Come on buddy. Move along.

2) When women bend over to show cleavage how often are they doing that to show you the goods? I know in a restaurant as a bartender you have to do it because of your job but sometimes it just seems so blatant. Not that I'm complaining. And bending over to show their ass. I want an answer for that one too.

On a side note I used to work with this one chick and she used to come to my desk and bend over all the time. I think she wanted it. By "It" I mean *puts hands in pockets but leaves index finger out and makes flashing hand motion to groinage.*

So what do you think?

(And that picture above is Nikki Cox)

Sunday, October 14, 2012

What Do You Guys Drink? Victory Beer, Bourbon, Gin and More!

I've been drinking less that usual these days. I guess just to be healthier plus I think I'm kind of like some over eaters that sit and eat a bag of chips without even knowing they're doing it. I found myself just drinking when I really didn't want to be drinking. So I've slowed down a bit.

But I still do imbibe. And lately I've been sipping on some gin and tonics. Yummm-meeee! Specifically Tanguery and tonic. I got drinking them because that's what my girlfriend drinks and they're refreshing! Sip...ahhhhhh! But I'm not sure I'll be drinking them into the Fall and Winter because they seem more like a Summer drink.

Here's a list of the other things that I drink:

Victory Beer - I'm so happy that I live ten minutes away from this brewery. I like to drink the beer there and in growlers that I have filled up. Here are a few of my favorites: Braumeister (available on tap only), Hop Devil, Prima Pils, Storm King Stout. And many more.

Red Wine - I like most varieties but tend to stay away from anything too sweet. If I had to pick just one drink to have this would be it.And on the subject of wine I've been drinking out of smaller wine glasses because those glasses with the huge bowl just get you too fiiiiiired up! (And I've been calling the bowl of the wine glass the "bulb" for years I still think that somewhere they're referred to as bulbs).

White wine  - love sipping on white but mostly drink when I'm eating a dinner that calls for a white. Favorite characteristics I like are buttery and oaky. May I recommend the Kendall Jackson Chardonnay? And I can't stand cheap booze* but I've got to tell you that Barefoot Brand wine is super inexpensive and tastes good.

Whiskey - I like bourbon and scotch. Favorite brands are Dewers and Crown Royal. Here's how to make me the perfect drink.

Margarita - I love these but to tel you the truth I've only had about six of them all year. I'll have to get on that.

And that's pretty much it. Unless I'm at a party and someone ask me to try something. But I'm open to suggestions.

*At least a few times a year I'll take one sip of a cheap wine and just walk over to the sink and pour it down the drain. I don't know how some of the really cheap wines even get sold. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Working On Halloween Costume. Village People Biker Dude.

I really need to get my Halloween costume together. Help me decide won't you?

The Village People bike guy is under consideration. I'm thinking of wearing it and letting my wang hang out. But I'll get a huge black wig and shove it in by zipper so big black pubes come a flowin' out. Just so it's authentic and all.

Gabe Kaplan is also up there. Pretty good job on that mask. But look at the depiction of Freddy Boom Boom Washington. A little racist if you ask me Holmes. And notice how he's the smallest face. First the man gives the shortest month for Black History Month now this.

This one isn't a costume but I found this picture doing my research and thought you'd like to see it.

Look at this mess. I hope his parents were honest and said, "Bobby that costume is horrible. Halloween is canceled for you but if you destroy that costume we'll let you peek out your window as we hand out candy." But I do have a soft spot for crappy robot costumes as you may know.

This one is a long shot because I only have three weeks to gain 200 pounds.

I'll wear this - my Sunday loungewear - if I can't decide what to wear.

And this is my final choice. I'll need to rent a kid to stand next to me and cry though.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Are People Really This Retarded? Big Bird Romney Comment. Adam Carolla.

After hearing the reaction to Romney saying he would cut funding to PBS I have to ask - are people really this retarded? You would have thought he said, "I hate PBS" or "I hate Big Bird*."

And the media fuels half of it. Do you really think he thinks that the way to balance the budget is to get rid of PBS? I think some people actually believes that is what he said.

I don't know if people are getting dumber, they don't listen or they don't understand basic logic but it's gotten worse in the past ten years.

People hear a news bite and they jump on board without hearing what was really said or thinking it through.

A similar recent story that pissed me off was when Adam Carolla  was asked, "Who is funnier? Men or women?" He sited some funny women but said in general men are funnier than women. He never said, "There are no funny women." But from the reaction you would have thought he said that. And think about it. If you got 100 people and asked them to name the top five funniest people they know do you think it would be split 50/50? Please.

He also got s%^t from his comments because he said, “When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke.” Is he incorrect? The answer is no.


*Is that the worst Big Bird costume or what?

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

New Jersey Transit Worker Slaps Down Gypsy. Newark Penn Station Bathroom.

People can be jerks. This weekend as I'm sat down on a New Jersey Transit train two gypsies got on. I'm assuming they were gypsies. If they weren't they were  Czechoslovakian or Polish. I could tell by the accent. But I hid my wallet just in case. But anyways....

They get on the train and they're gabbing it up and laughing. Then the train starts to move and the older lady starts screaming and runs to the window, "blah blah blah blah blah!!!!!!" (Sorry. I'm a bit rusty on my Gypsy). She's practically crying. 

It was obvious either her friend or husband or someone missed the train. She calls him up and is screaming. Freaking out really. This goes on for a few minutes until the New Jersey transit ticket guy comes by and says, "Tickets. Pull out your tickets." In broken English and in pure desperation she says, "My friend missed train! He did not get on!"

In the most degrading - most dismissive way - and in a New Jersey accent so thick it would make The Situation sound like Michael Caine* he says, "Hey, it's why we got a little thing called schedules. Tell your friend next time we leave at 9:01." And he just struts down the aisle.


I swear I wanted to punch the guy. I'm all for trains starting on time but there was hardly anyone else on the train. He could have at least told her what the next stop was or said something in a nice way. What a jerk. 

But for a person like me - Mr Always On Time - I wish everything ran on an exact schedule. 

(And in other weekend news I saw a homeless dude in the bathroom standing with his pants down in front of the Newark, NJ train station sink wiping down the inside of his legs with toilet paper)

(And even even more weekend news my girlfriend and I were in the Gap dressing room and she got me in such a laughing fit that when we came out this 9 year old girl was standing there staring at us with this look of, "What the hell is so funny you immature adults????)

*I don't think The Situation is even from Joisy but you get the idea.

Friday, October 5, 2012

I Think I Have Train And Flight Trip Planning Dyslexia. Wrong Train.

I'll be doing some rail travel this weekend and I've got to tell you it's so confusing to me!! Anyone else?

I look at the schedule then I write down the destination. Then I look at the arrival and when I have to transfer. But then I end up looking at the wrong line. Like for a different train...Then I do it again....

And I've traveled all over the country. And have traveled a lot overseas. I've never screwed the times up in the end but Jeez. I think somethings wrong with my brain.

Well come to think of it I did screw up traveling once but it was because I was being a goofball. I was hosting girls from a home office in England and we were in Connecticut and were traveling back to NYC where they were going to catch a flight back home. Well I was telling them some funny story (all animated and shit) and we stepped on the train going North instead of South. Doh!!! They barely made their flight after we ran through New York.

Way to go Zibbs you idiot. And this was after a few days of me being a great host. Have you ever noticed how Europeans are better hosts than Americans. Just a generalization but I'm standing by it. Oh. and people from the South are great too. Southern hospitality.

Charmed I'm sure.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Jelly Roll. You Ain't Getting None.

 I've been listening to this Bobby Darin and Johnny Mercer Album lately. It's called, "Two of a Kind." It gets pretty cheesy at times but whatever. I was hoping to share with you the song, "You Ain''t Gonna Get None of My Jellyroll." Sadly I only found this creepy thing on the YouTube:

But I did find this song from the album: 

So what do you think?

Monday, October 1, 2012

Fattest Twins Guinness Book of World Records. McGuire Twins. Fatty McFat Fatso.

Check out these fat fucks!

Remember these guys? The fattest twins Bill and Benny McGuire. If you're around my age you remember seeing them in the Guinness Book of World Records in the seventies. Man I used to love me some freaks in that book. Dude with longest nails, cow with extra legs coming out it's back, Mark Spitz's mustache. All of it.

And damn it! After setting up this post I realized that I already wrote a post about these lard asses! Damn it! I'm almost running out of things to write about here!

But on the subject of identical twins, do they usually die within a few weeks of each other? I Googled this a few months ago and couldn't find out. And before someone says, "I know of a set of twins that died a week a part. Some say of a broken heart...." - I ain't buyin' it.

And wouldn't it suck to be the slightly less good looking twin? And you hear everyone pointing it out?

Are any of you guys twins?

In other Guinness Book freak news here's one of my posts that made me crack up when I wrote it - to read it click the word Sandy.