Thursday, September 29, 2011

Chester County Man Wonders if Others Have Had The Snickers Ice Cream Cone.

Hmmmm. I wonder if any of you guys have had the Snickers Ice Cream Cone?

*wavy dream sequence starts as we all run through a field eating delicious Snickers Ice Cream Cones*

I really don't eat that much ice cream. We haven't had it in my home freezer in a few months but some showed up the other week so I had a few bowls. On separate sittings. What? Do you think I'm a pig or something?

I've found when I eat BBQ food I sometimes crave ice cream. Isn't that weird? Anyone else experience that?

So the other week I was getting a craving and I stopped by my local WAWA and picked up a Snickers Ice Cream Cone. A bit pricey at $2.19 but I'm worth it. And it's not gourmet or anything but it's pretty good. With all of the textures.

But look out. In the center there's a sliver of chocolate that's pretty hard. I could see someone chipping a tooth. Just warning you.

And on other ice cream related news I've had a few DQ hot fudge sundaes this year. Hey, I don;t care.

I will now take ice cream recommendations. And I will write a review of one of them.

So you got that.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

This Sounds Like A Fake Story But It's Not! Ohh I Get No Respect. Rodney Dangerfield

Do you know those stories that someone tells you and you think, “That didn’t happen?” Like it’s always a friend of a friend? Well here’s one that sounds incredible but it DID happen because I confirmed it with the actual person. Here we go…..

This dude Norm was on a first date with a girl. He was kind of nervous. So they go to her house and there was some type of family event going on. So as he’s there he’s being introduced to various people. At one point the girl says, “Norm this is my sister Mary.”

Norm turns around and the girl approaches him. She’s shaking a bit and in an odd voice says, “Hi Norm I’m Mary.”

He starts cracking up and says, “OH MY GOD THAT’S GREAT!! PULL THE TIE!! PULL THE TIE!!

It turns out he thought she was doing an impression of Rodney Dangerfield but she actually had Cerebral Palsy.


And another time Norm was running late for a funeral in high school and his Mom was like, “Hurry up Norm!” then looked at the front of his suit pants and says, “What’s all over your pants??”

Turns out Norm had dry humped some chick at a wedding the week before and… know.

And DAT is DAT!

(and that picture is the Facts of Life chick that had Cerebral Palsy. What's her name again? Jerry something?...)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

West Chester Man Declare's Nick's Roast Beef Sandwich In Springfield DEEELISH!

Sweet Jesus, son of Mary, Son of God, closely related to the Holy Ghost do I LOVE the roast beef sandwich at Old Original Nick's Roast Beef in Springfield, PA.

Just look at it. Oh my God it's so good. I've been there a bunch of times but went last week and took these amazing photos. I wish there was a place in Chester County that served hand cut roast beef like this on a great roll and topped with gravy. And prove and horseradish.

The closest thing is the Blarney Stone but they use deli meat. It's not even close.

I tried to duplicate it at home a few months ago but found out later that they cover the beef in fat before roasting it. AND they puree vegetable into the gravy.

Oh. And when I was there, I was wearing a white dress shirt and some lady kept looking at me and then finally said, "I hope you don't get any gravy on that nice white shirt." Uh. OK

Also I learned that blue collar Irish people talk REALLY loudly. Seriously, keep your voices down.

Anyways, it's a tasty ass sandwich. To read a detailed review from a local blogger that I know click here.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

West Chester Dancer Confesses Dance Thing Concerning Lawrence Welk

Um. OK. I've got something to tell everyone.

If you're a reader of my blog you know that I love to dance. And I talk about my skills. Or "Skilz" as many negro wannbees call it.

But sometimes you see a man like Billy Burgess and you...and you basically feel like a fool. Because you wonder if you can ever get to this higher dance level that this Lawrence Welk dancer has gotten to.

Basically he's light years away from me in technique and soul. And soul CAN'T be taught. I'm told. I thought I had it but I think now I may not have it. Whatever IT may be.

This should explain what I'm talking about:

Thursday, September 22, 2011

West Chester Man Considers Using Mr Furley For Fashion Redesign. Fashion.

So I've been thinking about looking at Mr Furley (Don Knotts) from Three's Company as a starting point for updating my wardrobe. I mean not like TOTALLY taking his look but just taking the cool parts and bringing it into the 2011 zone.

Do you know what I mean?


No! Not like like his TOTAL look. I KNOW that looks dumb! I'm talking about taking the essence and updating it. Do you you know what I mean?

No? Well I'm going to like take the scarf and I'll..It's hard to explain. Like the big assed demin collars I have this idea to...

Oh forget it! FUCK YOU!!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Dude That Makes My Pork Sandwich Is A Dick.

So some Sundays I drive and get this tasty ass pork sandwich. And the dude that makes the pork sandwich has a major attitude.Like he’s pissed that he has to make it for me. I should be pissed at HIM. Jerk. I’ve learned the basic questions that he asks so I order in the way to answer the questions he asks EVERYTIME but he still doesn’t listen.

Here’s how it goes:

Miserable Sandwich Maker: So what do you want? (as if I’m taking up his time)

Me: One pork sandwich with cheese and hot peppers.

Miserable Sandwich Maker: Just one?

Me: Just one.

(Then he starts to make it. In slow motion. If he sees something that interests him he stops preparing the sandwich and looks off in the distance at the thing that interests him. Then he slowly goes back to making it).

Miserable Sandwich Maker: You want hot peppers on this?

Me: Yes (even though I already told him)

Then, when he’s done he shoves that bag in my face and with attitude and without making contact says, “Here you go Pal.”

So do you know what I do? When I go in and pay it goes like this:

Cashier: Yes what’s in the bag?

Me: A pork sandwich.

Cashier: With cheese?

Me: No.*

Sticking it. To. The. Man.

Now I know I’m only ripping them off for 80 cents but that more than makes up for the dude being a dick. Don’t you think?

Except I thought I was going to get busted last week because he asked me if I wanted cheese (after I already stated I did) and he went inside. A few minutes earlier he told me to go pay for it while he was making the sandwich. I already told the cashier I didn’t have cheese so I started to panic. Like he was on to me and was going in to check if I stated that I wanted cheese. Then maybe call the fuzz.

But he came back out. Turns out he had just ran out of cheese and was getting more.

If he called me on it I was gonna act all groggy and confused and say, “Cheese? What? Oh sorry. I didn’t know what she was asking.”


* Sometimes I feel like getting cocky when they ask if I have cheese and in a loud, bellowing voice say, “Do I have cheese on this sandwich? Not me. Nope. Just pork and long hot peppers. Just those two ingredients. You see… I don’t care too much for cheese mind ya’. Watching the ole’ waist line if you know what I mean. So no. The answer to that question concerning the addition of cheese is absolutely not. I do NOT have cheese on this sandwich. Now please tally up my pork and pepper sandwich so we can settle this transaction and I can be on my merry - cheese free - way.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Are Drinking Straws Really Necessary? Looks Kinda Gay If You Ask Me.

If you think about it, it's pretty strange that when you go to a restaurant and they give you a water or a soda that they also give you a straw. You don't use a straw at home but when they put them in front of you most people open them and use them.

Not me though. Maybe because when I was 18 I was drinking out of one and my brother-in-law said, "You look pretty gay drinking out of that straw." Then he imitated me. And if you think about it, most dudes look pretty fem drinking out of straws. I never saw Clint Eastwood drinking from a straw. It's OK for you ladies but if you're a dude? I suggest you just get whatever's in that glass the old fashioned way.

Of course the exception is a Slurpee. And sometimes a milkshake.

And why aren't crazy straws as popular as they used to be?

Oh, and those cocktail straws? I don't think they were ever meant for a person to sip out of. Right? They're more for stirring.

And why do a feel like this stupid post is something that Andy Rooney would write?

Monday, September 19, 2011

Hey Mr Crotchpains Do You Have Two Nuts? Sesame Street.

If you didn't know, TBY commentor Mr Crotchpains and I went to college together. He used to sing this Sesame Street song about having two eyes and other "two" things. I have no idea how it popped into my head.

Remember it?

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

West Chester Man Reveals His Lunch Box. Yellow Submarine.

As promised two posts back I will now reveal my first grade lunch box. It was....The Beatles Yellow Submarine!

Well. Kind of.

For some reason - instead of my Mom letting me pick out a lunch box - she asked my Dad to pick one up. I have no idea what she was thinking. I remember him saying, "Jimmy I bought you a lunch box for the first day of school."

And I ran over. All excited. Until I saw it. It was a lunch box for the TV Show "The F.B.I.". Huh??? I don't even remember this show NOW. And I'm a TV head. I looked it up on Wikipedia and it was on the air from 1965 - 1974. Anyway, for me it was a boring ass lunch box. The graphics on the lunch box were basically a bunch of guys wearing suits. Hey Dad, wasn't "The CBS News with Walter Cronkite available?"

But what was worse is that I opened it up and the thermos was a Yellow Submarine thermos. IT DIDN'T EVEN MATCH THE LUNCH BOX! I remember saying, "I can't use this! It doesn't match!"

Then I remember:

Mom: (to Dad) Jim why didn't you check to see if the thermos matched?

Dad: Sally it was the last one there!

If you know my Dad, it was probably sitting on a shelf near canned goods because someone noticed that the lunch box didn't match the thermos and they just left it there. Then my Dad walked in the store, saw it next to a stack of canned beans and thought, "Well, good thing I got the last one." And picked it up and walked to check out.

So I was stuck with it. For the next two years I would pull all of my lunch out and close the lunch box. Then when nobody was looking I would open it really quickly and pour my drink into the plastic thermos cup and shove the thermos back in. Phew! Nobody saw me.

I think in third grade I moved on to carrying my lunch in a paper bag. Or a "lunch sack" as my hillbilly readers probably call it.

And I really wish I still had the Yellow Submarine thermos. I looked on Ebay a few years ago and they were selling for $250. Doh!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Dude Falls In Mud On Struble Trail In Downingtown. Biking Accident.

Dear Man that fell off his bike and into the mud a few weeks ago on the Struble Trail in Downingtown,

Hello dear sir. I'm the guy that watched as you tried to turn your bike and the tire clipped the side of the pavement and you went flying off of your bike and into the ditch of mud on the Struble Trail in Downingtown a few weeks ago.

To tell you the truth it was one of the funniest things I've seen in months. And I did ask "Are you OK?" And you said, "Only my pride." (which really isn't the correct answer. That would have been OK if I had asked, "Is anything hurt?" but whatever. You were stuck in a ditch with a bike on top of you and covered with mud).

But seriously. As you tried to make the U-turn and you were all wobbly? I was looking at how there's a 12" drop from the pavement and the grass and I KNEW you were going down. I KNEW it! Did it seem like slow motion to you too??

And what were you doing out so early? Do you have insomnia like me? There was nobody else in sight. Or did you take the bike out because you haven't ridden one in 30 years and you wanted to make sure you'd be able to navigate it. Which you did not. Like your wife probably warned you about.

But no...There was probably a big ole' fight. You probably said, "Helen I know how to ride a bike! You never forget!"

And Helen probably said, "Gene you're going to crash! Why don't you take some cones out to a safe, wide open parking lot and practice?"

But you didn't listen. I bet the guy at the bike shop even gave you a safety pamphlet and you rolled your eyes thinking he was an idiot. You were too excited to get on your shiny new bike weren't you? Little did you know...

Oh and Gene? The best part is when I walked past you and then looked back and you tried to get up and then you collapsed back into the mud. I saw that. It was like you gathered all the strength you your body up a bit and then the old body said, "I can't do it."

I swear I was DYING to take a picture!! Well one good thing though is that you didn't roll further down the hill. So you got that I guess.

But seriously, if you're Googling "Biker Falls in Mud On Struble Trail" and find this post kindly let me know what your wife said when you got home. Did you walk in and start with, "HELEN DO NOT SAY A WORD!"

I bet you did.

*That's really the worst picture. This dude was COVERED with mud. And it really doesn't show the incline too well either.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Japanese Thing That Is Cute. Sexy Dancing Commercial.

You gotta admit. This is pretty friggin' cute. Except I don't know why there's only one Japanese girl and the other two are honkies.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

What Was In Your Lunch Bag At School? Hit The Road Little Debbie.

What was in your lunchbag at school? Or were you a "buyer?"

My lunch bag consisted of three things from 1st to 12th grade:

1) Sandwhich - peanut butter and jelly, ham and cheese or turkey and cheese. White bread only thank you.

2) Salty treat - either chips or doritos.

3) Dessert: Some cupcakey thing. Like a Tastykake or Ring Ding. We weren't Twinkie people so never got one of those. And my Mom tried to sneak in Little Debbie's once and a while. You know my thought on those.

And I need to check with Mommy but I think she made my lunch all the way up through 12th grade. I forget.

Things could have been worse. I could have been given an egg salad sandwich like Lambert. Wrapped in clear plastic wrap. As opposed to the normal platic lunch bag. Why in God's name would Lambert's mom give him a stinky ass egg salad sandwich? It stunk! She probably didn't love him.

Or those people that were sent fruit in tupperware. Nooooo thanks! Or Hopton (dude had 7 and a half toes) that had to fold up his brown paper bag and bring it home because his mom was a penny pincher. Seriously, how much money are you saving a year from using 13 less brown paper bags? The dude always had a wrinkly ass bag. Shameful.

Then of course it could have been better. I kind of envied the people that got these:

Busted At Work For Doing Nothing. I Swear. Compact Mirrors.

Yeah so I'm at work and I asked one of my female coworkers if they had a mirror because I had this tiny area of dry skin on my face earlier and wanted to see if it was still there. She hands me a one of those compacts and says, "You can keep it."

And I put it in my desk drawer. So then the other day I had an everything bagel and I take out the compact and look in it to see if I had any poppy seed (the A-hole of all seeds) in my teeth and just then this chick walks by and looked over at me.

And with the look she gave me I'm like, "Oh no! She thinks I was powerdering my nose because I was using a compact!"

I'm sure she went and told everyone that I wear makeup. Fuckin' bitch!

I was going to track her down and tell her but then thought it would be weird if I brought the subject up, "Listen. Just so you know - I...I DON'T wear makeup. I'm a dude. Not a chick. So uh....are we clear with that?"

Maybe I should just drop it. Well..I guess I COULD have her killed..Naaa. I'll just drop it.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Dogs I Like. Dogs I Hate. From The Bedlington Terrier To The Mastiff.

Dogs I would never own:

Lhasa Apso (Yeah right. And I’m going to start wearing dresses)
Schnauzer (I’ve never met one I’ve liked. Always out of control)
Dalmatian (one of the dumbest dogs)
Bichon Frise (gayer than poodles)
Chinese Crested (remind me of dirty rats with skin conditions)
Bedlington Terrier (Have you ever seen these freaks?? I mean come on now! Look at it. How do you walk down the street with this thing?):

Dogs I WOULD get:

Akita (One of my neighbor’s used to own two. Very loyal)
Australian Shepherd (cool medium sized smart dogs)
Brittany Spaniel
German Shepherd
German Shorthaired Pointer
Golden Retriever
Labrador Retriever (Had one that died. Bingo. Best dog ever)

Honorable mentions:

Boxer (too drooly)
Doberman (only if I could find one that I could trust)
Irish Terrier (maybe)
English Mastiff (don’t live long enough and too big but my brother has one that I like*)
Newfoundland (too big)
Rhodesian Ridgeback (would need to learn a bit more about them first)
Bernese Mountain Dog (too big)

* the photo above is my brother’s dog. The picture was taken when she was about 9 months old.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

West Chester Man Smuggles Popcorn Into East Whiteland Theater.

Well I'll tell you one thing. I love going to the movies but I HATE paying their ripoff prices for food. I know, I know, that's how they make their money. But tough luck. I'm not going to pay $7 for a popcorn and then $6 dollars for a soda. Especially the soda because I only take a few sips of it anyway.

So I usually smuggle a water in but lately I've been smuggling popcorn in. And I was super paranoid the last time I smuggled it in. I had it a sweatshirt wrapped around it and had it under my arm.

And it was super obvious that something was being hidden. And I just head it under my arm. As if I sweatshirt is THAT bulky.

And I had just made the popcorn seconds before I left the house so I think I was reeking of popcorn. I was imagining the steam coming out of the top of the sweatshirt. AND it was a different kind of popcorn that I usually get and it had this cellophane that was loud as hell. So every time I moved slightly you would hear: Crinkle. Crinkle. Crinkle.

Then in my head I was thinking about what I should do if they said, "Sir what is under your sweatshirt?" The options I was mulling over were:

1) "What? Nothing." (But then I was thinking they'd probably follow me into the theater and wait till I undid the sweatshirt.

2) "What? Under my sweatshirt? This thing that is as big as a football? Hmmm? (Opens up sweatshirt and acts surprised) What the? How did this bag of popcorn get in stuck to my...? Well THAT'S weird."

3) Run.

Well I didn't get caught so I didn't have to do anything. Oh. And my new tradition is also bringing in peanut M&M's. Then I alternate popcorn bite...M&M bite. Salty and sweet.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Try And Watch This Without Laughing. Dentist. Pink Panther.

Look what's on TV now! The Pink Panther Strikes Again. Here's a clip from the funniest scene where he's on laughing gas. I remember seeing this as a kid and cracking up.