Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Bus Stop Buddy From My Fox Philly Brings Shame On Region. Jen Fred.

If you live in Philly you might be familiar with the cartoon guy below. He's from "Good Morning Philly." Or "My Fox Philly." Something like that. I refuse to take the three seconds to get it straight.

His name is Bus Stop Buddy. And when they do the weather they dress him in a way so kids know how to dress. Innocent enough right?

But they couldn't stop there. Nope. Someone had the bright idea to make a cheesy ass Bus Stop Buddy costume and parade him around the Philly area. In non weather segments. It makes no sense why he's there. I'm sure the cartoon designer never thought ahead to the possibility of the cartoon being a mascot because it just doesn't work. Look at the horrifying results:

They put him on a boat with the always annoying Jen Fred*. (I think that's her name). And it was 100 degrees. Not too safe if you ask me. Is this the most disturbing thing you've ever seen? Well hold your horses...

This one is even better. Look how a slightly different shot makes him look like a serial killer. That's right Bus Stop Buddy. You heard me. And you know the dude was sweating his ass off in there.

Watching this I just kept thinking, "Please fall in the water. PLEASE fall in the water." The head turned completely around as the person inside struggled to tread water....Camera shaking...announcer in studio: "Oh my. It looks like we've got a situation...OK listen we're going to take a quick break here and make sure someone takes care of Bus Stop Buddy and we'll be be right back. He's gonna be OK."

Then just off off microphone we hear the producer yelling, "I KNEW he should have been wearing a safety jacket! GOD DAMN IT!"

*Side note to Fox Philly producer: Did you ever call Jen Fred in a room and when the door shut you dragged you fingernails down a chalkboard? Then you said, "Jen. That is how viewers see you. This is the last time we'll have this discussion. Tone it down. Are we clear?"

Monday, July 30, 2012

Philly Art Museum. Bathing Beauties. UNBELIEVABLE!

I went to the Philly Art Museum on Saturday morn to get my culture on. 

And boy did I. And guess what they have there? 

You're going to think this is a joke but it's not. On the wall. In plain view for the world to see.......



Thursday, July 26, 2012

PA Driver's License Center In Malvern You Suck. Fraser DMV.

Look at that crew. Do you know where that is? Hell? Nope. It's the PA DMV. Or as it's called in Pennsylvania, "The Driver's License Center."

I went in Tuesday at 10:30 to get my picture for my license and guess how many people were ahead of me waiting? Go ahead and take a guess....

Did you guess 60? *Ding Ding Ding* Correct! I was there for an hour and 55 minutes. Pure torture. No music playing. No magazines to read. No pictures on the wall to look at. It feels like you're sitting a waiting room in Russia circa 1977.

There were only two good parts. There was a lady next to me and we struck up a conversation then we spent the time making fun of people. Mostly the reaction when new people would walk in and the expression they would have when they realized they had 60 people in front of them. Ha! She was pretty snarky. If I was a few years older and on the market I probably would have asked the old bird to lunch.

The other interesting part was when a 70 year old lady came in and proceeded to rant and rave for ten minutes because of the wait. Turning to to anyone that would listen and in her gravely voice, "I drove 40 minutes? For THIS? I have a doctor's appointment to make! How am I going to make it there?" She was making a spectacle of herself. Everyone was looking at her like, "What the?"...

So PA Driver's License Center in Malvern ....YOU CAN SUCK..... MY........ *Ship horn drowns out last word*

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

West Chester, PA Blogger Reveals List of Qualities in Dream Woman.

Yesterday I showed you the dream woman I'm making. Here are the personality traits and non physical things of my ideal dream woman. Of course one can't expect to have their dream woman to have every single quality on their wish list but you never know.

Smart - No dummies. I can't stand stupid woman. But not a super intellectual type. A career woman but doesn't work crazy hours.

Feminine - But has to also be self reliant. Can't be like, "Someone needs to help me because I'm just a helpless woman."

Sense of humor - Must get my sense of humor. Being funny herself gets bonus points.

Down to Earth and self deprecating - Can laugh at herself.

Sexually Oriented  - (A term that I kind of coined in college). Needs "it" everyday. And doesn't think my romantic gestures are corny. But doesn't outwardly look or seem slutty. The type that would come up to me at a party and whisper something like, "You're getting it later" or "Meet me in that spare bedroom in 5." then walks away.

Loves me for who I am - But also encourages me with things.

Loves to cook - And loves to cook with me.

Thinks most of the same things I think are stupid are stupid too

Not religious

Be my best friend - I want to have fun hanging out with this person. Whether it's just the two of us traveling or just hanging out on the deck and talking and laughing for hours.

Not a bitch -  Doesn't put up with BS but not a bitchy personality. When she comes around and I'm with my guy friends they should be excited and say, "Hey everyone! It's Lady Zibbs!" not "Oh great. Here she comes." And no nagging!

A pleasant personality - A delight to be with. 

Honest and loyal - Only has eyes for me.

A great mom (if she has kids) - And has the same parenting style as me. (But if she doesn't have kids knows that I don't want to have anymore. But fine if she has kids).

Keeps the house clean - But not in an OCD way.

Super stylish 

Well there you go. Am I missing any categories?

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

West Chester Blogger Concocts Hot Woman.

I've decided to make myself a dream woman. I'm starting off with just the looks. Maybe I'll get to personality qualities in a later post. I've collected some DNA and have been working on her in my lab.

I've started with a bit of Kate Beckinsale...

Added a dash of Jennifer Aniston (from Horrible Bosses)...

A touch of Natalie Morales.....

And for the bod I'm going to need her long and leggy like Stacy Keibler.

I think I'll call her Cupcake for now. 

OK. So there we go.

Underwear Progression. Granny Panties. West Chester Blogger Reveals Underwear Choice.

Look at it. The granny panty. In boner killing beige.

Man are those things unsexy. On women I prefer teensy tiny panties. Sometimes with a cute little bow. Thongs are good too. So ladies, if you have granny panties throw them out. Make a statement by throwing them out your car window window tomorrow. July 25th. I'm declaring it Granny Panty Freedom Day.

And now onto my own underwear progression.

Tighty Whitey - Sadly I use to wear these. But everyone did back in the day. Early brand loyalty was with the gold and blue band of JC Penny. Or was it gold and red?

Boxers - Started wearing these once in a while in college. But no support and they bunch up sometimes. But I liked the "fun colors." And if you're wearing suit pants forget it because people can sometimes make out the print of your junk.

Colored tighty whitey style -  Close relative to the tightly whitey but different colors. I guess they're called briefs. Right?

Boxer briefs - Ahhhh. Finally an underwear I can get behind. This is what I wear now. Comfortable and makes me look all sexy and shit. I'm currently in operation boxer briefs. Phasing into them. I'm forecasting that by February 2013 I'll be 100 percent boxer briefed. Here's what they look like.

(That's not me)

Monday, July 23, 2012

Hobo Wallet Found By West Chester Blogger. Ryan's Pub.

Oh my God I was walking down the street and I found this hobo wallet! I know it was owned by a hobo because inside there was a train pass and coupons for canned baked beans. Generic.

Who am I kidding? That is a photo of my wallet. *hangs head in shame*

If you know me you know that I take pride in how I look. Well...pretty much. Like I'm not a slob or anything. But this wallet? Damn that's bad. I do notice when I pull it out I kind of grab what's in it then put it quickly back in my back pocket. So nobody can see the raggedy mess. And I keep my money in my front pocket - safe from pickpockets so I don't pull the wallet out THAT often.
And then the second I put it back in my pocket I forget that I need a new wallet. So I need to get a new one.

On The upside I was looking through the middle area the other day and I found a gift card to Ryans Pub and a coupon for six oysters at Doc Magrogan's Oyster House in West Chester. So I got THAT going for me.

Which is nice.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Don't Lie. You Like These Songs. Roly Poly. London Calling.

Pretty hot if you want my  two cents. And check out the kick ass slide guitar action:

The Clash rocking Brand New Cadillac. Live. Probably on my top 10 favorite albums list. (London Calling):

Whoa check this out. I was searching for the song Roly Poly and came across these Japanese cutie pies: 

OK here's the Roly Poly song I was talking about. It's Norah Jones singing with the Little Willies. It's a cover of an old song. I always picture a little chubby German kid in lederhosen dancing to it. I wish Norah would let me make the video:

Friday, July 20, 2012

Message To My Best Friend. Queen. Divorce.

Going through a divorce sucks. It's just sad. People make assumptions that aren't true, it's hard on the kids, you lose almost everything....This has been the worst year of my life.

But It's for the best. And I have no regrets on my decision. And I've been moving on. And I'm ready to start a new life. 

On the bright side I have a best friend that has helped me throughout it. If I didn't have this person I would have probably been in therapy a few times a week or would have had a nervous breakdown. A few of them.

I'll never forget how you've helped me. 

Thursday, July 19, 2012

I Was Terrible At Doing Models. 68 GTO. Planes from Ceiling.

Behold it's beauty. The 68 GTO. I love that car for some reason. But what I didn't like was doing models. My dad tried to get me into building model airplanes because he did them when he was younger but I didn't have the patience.

I guess I was about seven or eight which is way too young for putting together a complicated model. But he would sit me at the kitchen table and lay all the pieces out. I would pick up a piece and take a look at it and he would say, "Don't touch it Jimmy. You need to follow the instructions!"

And follow the instructions he would. He would read through the instructions then pull off all the pieces and put them in piles. I would help. Then he would attempt to put it together using that airplane glue. It always made a mess. He would let me try to put together the larger pieces. Glue dripping all over. I would usually lose patience and leave the room and let him finish. I would hear him yelling, "God Damn it!" because he would break a piece or glue it into the wrong spot. I'd come back in when he was putting the decals on over the bumpy dried glue areas.

A few years later I tried to do them myself. But I'd get frustrated and leave lots of the parts off. Like an engine of a car? No need for that when the hood is shut. Right?

Not sure what ever happened to my models? A few of the planes were hung from my ceiling till I was about eleven. I don't remember where they went but I bet I blew some up with firecrackers.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Some Photos You Might Like.You Can't Afford Me. Neil Diamond Lookalike.

OK I've got nothing today so here are some photos you might like:

This is a photo of a cute girl standing next to a sweater. Wait...is there someone else there??

"Oh My God! I got my picture with Obama!! Thanks for taking it!! Let me see it!! No!!!!!"

I love this one. Look at the small writing. It says, "This is you." If you look closely you can see the tears on the top of the coaster. This is from a series of Unflattering Photos. You can see more here.

"No I'm serious Kate. You should go out with my friend. He looks EXACTLY like Neil Diamond. Trust me."

"All I needs is my two babies. Squashy and Prince."

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

How Many Women Has Mick Jagger Slept With? Gene Simmons.

Did anyone read this recent Huffington post article about Mick Jagger?

His biographer claims that he's slept with over 4000 women.  To tell you the truth I'm not that surprised. But there are a few things in the article I found rather interesting:

1) He slept with Angelina Jolie. Did anyone know that? I remember he slept with Mackenzie Phillips when she was a teen but never heard that he was with Angelina Jolie.

2) He tried to get help from a sex therapist but "ultimately seduced her." Whu???? You've got to give him credit for that. I mean come on. I'm a pretty notorious seducer* and even I can't imagine doing that. Of course he's got the advantage of being a rock star and I don't so... Hmmm. Maybe I COULD do that if I was a rock star. *looks for his kazoo and starts practicing*

3) And lastly, it mentions that in the numbers department Gene Simmons from Kiss has him beat because Gene slept with 4.897 women. This ruined it for me because I can't stand Gene Simmons. I've asked women if they're attracted to Gene Simmons and everyone of them is totally grossed out.

I remember hearing him interviewed on Stern years ago and it came up that many women say they are repulsed by him but then he kind of puts them under a spell. I'm not buying that. I can see Mick doing that because women find him charming but Gene Simmons is such a creep that I think only women that like him in the first place would do him. Am I right? Am I? Here he is:

And please chime in as to whether you would do either of them. In the their prime and now. Show your work.

*Oh yes I am!

Why Is That Man Walking Like That Mommy? Back Pain.

I've got some bad news. I hurt my back.

I've been cleaning out my attic for the last week so I've been lifting boxes while being bent over the whole time. So on Saturday I went to reach for something and OUUUUUCCH! Felt like someone stabbing me with a knife in the back .

About eight years I pulled my back out and haven't had an episode since. Other than the pain, I'm now walking really slowly. And slightly bent over. And I'll walk for a few steps then have to stop. Then you'll see a look of pain on my face. Embarrassing.

If I saw someone walking like this I'd probably think, "Oh my God. That dude is about to crap his pants and he's looking for a bathroom!"

 Very humiliating for someone like me.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Look! I Made Some Custom Cards At Somecards!

Here are a few custom cards I made over at Somecards.com.

What do you think?

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

West Chester Artist Strikes Again. Exton Dollar Store, Barnes Foundation.

Remember a few posts back when I showed you the collage art I did and recently found? Well I found two more masterpieces. Look at her. I give you: "Must Kill Nun."

A few years ago I was at the Dollar Store in Exton and came upon a shelf full of nun figurines that were marked down to 25 cents each. You read that right. 25 cents each! Per nun! Well five dollars later and I was the proud owner of 20 nun figurines. I know. I thought the Indians selling Manhattan for a few trinkets was a scam. I had to feel sorry for the Exton Dollar store. They kinda got taken. They probably fired the person who marked them incorrectly. Hey. Ain't my problem.

Well when I got home I got to work and modified a few in the fashion that you see above. I even sold a few on Ebay for ten dollars. And though some lucky collectors were able to buy a valuable heirloom for a ridiculous price I decided to stop production. Here's a closer look at the face:

She's a beauty huh?

I also found a sculpture I did. I call this piece "Mr Toof." Here it is:

Mr Toof is not only a hand sculpted piece of art but he's also a reminder that helps teach kids about tooth decay. You sit him on the sink so when kids are brushing he can watch the kids. Watching. Waiting. Learing.
But the kids who get this have to have REALLY rich parents because my selling price for this piece for 1.3 million dollars. Now I know that sounds like a lot but if you guys all pitch in maybe you could take turns with it. It's up to you.

Let me know though because if I get no takers I'm probably going to donate it to a museum. Probably to the Barnes Foundation in Philly. I'm not sure yet.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Thank God I Didn't Go On "Dancin' On Air." Kelly Ripa. Philly.

Freshman year of college I was dating this chick Ellen and she had a bunch of annoying friends that she lived with in the all girl's dorm. (Who the hell lives in the all girl's dorm?)

Anyways, a bunch of them were going to go to Philly to be on the TV show "Dancin' on Air"*. And I ALMOST went. I forget why I didn't go but THANK GOD! If me dancing on a cheesy ass TV show from the 80's ended up on Youtube I would probably have to kill myself. With my tight jeans and big ass hair...Could you imagine??

But of course my life would have been different because I probably would have met and married Kelly Ripa (see picture above).

And speaking of things that I almost did (cringe category) but didn't  - here's another one... I was in 11th grade and my sister's boyfriend and her were going to a party. Or maybe it was at a bar. I forget. Anyways, I was a huge Doors fan (now I can't even listen to them) and he said, "I can talk to the band and see if you can sing a Doors song if you want"

I was like, "Yeah OK!"

So we go to the party and the plan was that I was going to sing Roadhouse Blues. Well turns out they "couldn't fit me in" or "there's no way in hell we want some kid we don't even know singing a song". But either way thank God because it would have been a disaster! I've never sung with a band, I'm a terrible singer and I'm sure 10 seconds into it people would have been looking at me like, "What the hell is this train wreck?" And I would have turned into a deer in headlights. I really think I would have stopped halfway through and  just walked off the stage.

Phew!! That was a close one!

Oh and here's Kelly Ripa now. I wonder what our kids would have looked like? But if we did end up together I'd have to tell her to tone it down a bit because she's way too chatty.

*They were going because "Michael" knew someone that could get everyone on. Michael was this flaming gay dude that wasn't out of the closet yet. And he was a complete a-hole. His only friends were a bunch of the girls from  the girl's dorm and he was a gossipy little shit. And all of the girls would say, "I can't believe Michael doesn't have a girlfriend. He's so great!" Uh...yeah I know why. He likes dudes.

This Kind Of Picture Makes Me Laugh Out Loud. Greek God.

This kind of picture just cracks me up. A person in a weird mask. This is my son in second grade. I just found it. I said to him, "I don't remember this. What are you supposed to be?"

"Some kind of Greek god we had to make up."

Ha! Look at it. Pretty creepy if you ask me.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Sketch Of Me From 4th Grade. Magic Pan Chicago.

I give you...a portrait of me. It's from 4th grade.

I was out in Chicago with my cousins for a few weeks in 4th grade and we were at this restaurant called the Magic Pan. And some black arty fartsy dude kept looking at me. Then I noticed he was sketching me. After about 10 minutes he approached our table and said, "Excuse me. I was admiring this young boy. He has a very magical quality to him. A very magical boy. And I would like to present this sketch to you."

He hands the sketch to my Aunt Mollie.

I'm thinking, "FINALLY! Someone has finally realized that I'm magical!"

My Aunt hands him a ten and say thanks. He walks away and she says, "That's what they do in the city Jimmy. They draw your picture then you feel guilty so you have to give them money or you look cheap. It's just another form of panhandling."

Well, thanks for popping THAT bubble. Well, for a few seconds I felt magical so at least I got that.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Leclerc Celebration Modified With Peanut Butter. West Chester Invention. Canada.

Did you guys ever hear of Leclerc's Celebration cookies? I think my mom dropped them off at my house. At first I thought they were some crappy dollar store cookie but then I tried one and they are TASTY!!

They're Canadian butter cookies with some fancy ass castle in milk chocolate on top. And what I did was modify them by adding peanut butter to the top like so.....

I'm like the Edison of Canadian cookies!!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Want To Know How Much Bacon I Ate? West Chester Man.

 I was swimming at my parents the other day and I was describing to my daughter how I like to eat my BLT's from Wawa: Bacon, Lettuce, Extra Pepper Jack Cheese, Onion, Mayo on Rye. It's the only way to go. So she says, "Now I want a BLT."

So I went inside my parents to whip some up and she says, "Well I have to go now because I'm sleeping over a friend's house." Uh OK thanks for telling me now. Anyways, there was no lettuce or tomater so I just made a Bacon, Onion, Cheese and Mayo:

But since I had all the bacon left over I decided...waste not want not...and ate it all. Then I looked at the package and realized I ate 750 calories worth of bacon. Meh... *Shrugs shoulders*

But then I felt guilty so I went to the scale and weighed myself and I was 206. It was at the end of the day and I had clothes on but still. I need to get down to 195. Which I will. (I'm 6' 2" by the way so I'm not a fatty but still need to drop a few.)

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Happy 4th 2012. Listen To This And Be Proud. Ray Charles.

Man if this song from Ray doesn't make you feel patriotic nothing will. Happy forph of July everyone!

Thoughts About The Movie Ted. East Whiteland Theater.

I saw the movie Ted the other day. I give it 7 out of 10 stars. There are some hysterical parts where I was laughing like crazy. But just like The Family Guy so much of it just tries to be outrageous and it gets annoying. And as usual the blow hards in the theater that were guffawing and over laughing at everything were making me ill. (And repeating lines as if nobody heard the line).

And having Set MacFarlane do the voice of Ted was distracting the entire movie because it's the exact voice of Peter Griffin (Family Guy). And they even made a joke about it but still..stupid choice. I do think he is brilliant but he just goes over the top too often and it bothers me when people laugh at the obvious jokes but the not the really funny jokes that are subtle.

Other thoughts:

- Giovanni Ribisi was GREAT! Great creepy character!

- I love that Norah Jones was in it. Her new haircut is cute. I still need to see her in concert.

- If you were a Flash Gordon (from the 80's) fan you'll love this movie because Sam J. Jones was in it. His scenes are so funny.

- There's a part where Mila Kunis has to pick up a poop that had me rolling on the floor.

So did any of you see it? And it made $54 million! I knew it was going to make a lot. I think it will make at least $200 million by the end of July.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Question About Springsteen Song Sandy. Spectrum. 1975.

I was listening to "Sandy" by Bruce Springsteen on my Ipod the other day. Man does he set a mood and paint a picture in this song! Here's a live version from 1975. I only saw him once in concert. At the Spectrum in Philly in probably 1980 or 1981. Probably in my top 5 favorite concerts ever.

Not sure why Bruce is wearing that big ass wool cap at a concert though.

Now I wish I was at the shore. Snuggling up with a lady fwend.

And what does he mean that "the cops finally arrested Madame Maria for telling fortunes better than they do?" Can anyone explain? I don't understand. Why did she get busted?