Thursday, July 29, 2010

Dr Zibbs DOES Have A Heart. I Do Get Into Crybaby Mode.

I bet a lot of you don't think I have emotions. But I do. I'm not a robot. In fact, I just was walking around the block on my regular Ipod walk and listening to this Beegees song. It almost brought me to tears. Just so sad.

I think depending on what's going on in my life, coupled with my mood, the Ipod music, etc....just gets me all emotional and shit. So here's the first song that got me:

Then, I listened to the The Little Willies. Norah Jones is in that group and I love her. She's just so soothing. Here's her singing "Love me". She just kills me.

OK. Who wants to come come give me a cold compress and rub my back to soothe me?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I'm Gonna Make You A STAAAAAAA!

And then you got this:

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Question About People That Has To Do About Nipples And Lips.

I was out with a friend of mine recently and SHE...not me...made this statement: "I have a theory that you can tell the color of someones areolas by the color of their lips. The lips may be a bit darker because of the sun darkening the lips but it's usually a pretty close match".


I was more taken back because I can't believe I've ever heard this theory. Being a total areola man and all, I was a bit ashamed. Maybe it's not even true. But the more I thought about it, the more it kind of made sense.

I still need to do some field testing but has anyone ever heard this? Do you think it holds up?

Sunday, July 25, 2010

It's Been Too Long. Lawrence Welk. Love Will Keep Us..

Fuck this shit!

I haven't played any Lawrence Welk in ages on this here blog. This is for you Gage. Ladies and Gentleman...Love Will Keep Us Together*:

*I'm too lazy to look but I MAY have played this video before.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Here Are Some Print Ads. And I Made Craaazy Captions For Them.

Some print ads with some captions.

He's a prospector Timmy. A dirty, stinking prospector. Not a respectable accountant like me. And guess what? He's never going to find gold. Not a bit. I KNOW he has a donkey but that's not the point! Helen turn off the God damn TV!"

....."HAHAHAHA!! So I'm like, 'Yeah, I AM fucking your wife'..he goes to hit me and she smashes him in the back with a...with a...hahahaha...with a fucking iron!!!!!!"

I KNEW I was wasting all these years believing in God!

"Hey fatty get over there and eat your lard. Three more pounds and we can get the Lane Bryant catalog for free."

"That's it. Finish your 7up Sweetie and Mommy will give you some corn on the cob."

Feel free to leave your alternate captions in the comments section. It's not a contest so don't get all nervous.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The "Music" On This Makes Me Laugh Till I Cry. Sliding Board.

I remember seeing this video a few years ago on a blog and giggling like an idiot.

It's not so much the video but the "music" is just so stupid it kills me. I picture the dude standing in a room recording it until he got it juuuuust right, "God damn it! I almost had it down. Take 37. MOM. BE QUIET! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M RECORDING DOWN HERE?"

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Downingtown Farmers Market. Missing Dummy Video.

Did you ever part ways with something then spent the rest of your life thinking of it?

Let me explain. When I worked in high school at the audio store at the Downingtown Farmer's Market, some weird man came in to see if we would buy his video camera.

I think the year may have been 1980 and it was one of those big ass cameras that they probably still use in Russia today.

So he leave the camera with us and we can take a look at it. And the video tape that was inside the camera was pure gold. Solid 24 karat gold. We hit play and we see him walking in front of a black curtain. He's carrying something. What is it? What is it?

It's a ventriloquist dummy. Oh no this is gonna be good. He places the dummy in the chair and walks out of camera view. The song "In My Life" by Paul McCartney begins to play. You can see the man crawling below camera view so he can get behind the dummy to "work it". Just that craptacular move alone made it great.

He plays the entire song. The dummy lip syncing the song to the crappy audio. The room's all echo and shit. Probably was his basement*. (Or "the staging area" as he probably calls it). At the instrumental portion in the middle of the song he shakes the dummy as if it's supposed to be dancing. But he shakes it so much that it looks like it's having convulsions. So much for subtlety.

The song ends and a piece of loose leaf paper is lifted up toward the dummy that reads, "Happy Anniversary". Crappy handwriting and all.


The description might not sound that funny but trust me. It was one of the funniest/creepiest things I've ever seen in my life.

I wonder if the woman viewed the video and cried tears of joy? Or just slowly backed up..looking for an escape. Was this done in one take? So many questions.

But the biggest question is, "Why didn't we keep that tape???"

And the best part is that when the guy came back he was really proud and asked, "Did you see the tape that was in there? I spent a lot of time on that. It was an anniversary gift to my wife."

*torture chamber

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: If I were that guy I would have made ONE change to the video. At the beginning I would have slowly raised my head into camera view. I would have faked a cough. Then, reached for a glass of water (to sooth the cough. You know what I mean?). I would then have sipped the water as the dummy was playing to show that, "Look, it's the dummy really singing". Which really makes no sense at all because it's obvious that it's Paul McCartney singing. But I wouldn't care. I would then give a shrug as if, "How do you explain this one? Nobody can really, but enjoy the rest of the song". Then I would slowly disappear from view. Slowly, like I was going down an elevator. Maybe I'd push an imaginary elevator button first. I'm not sure.)

Friday, July 16, 2010

Hiii-YA! Is This Offensive Toward Asians? Philly Comic Ed McGonigal.

I was at the Wawa earlier and an Asian guy walked over to the lady in the car next to me and started going off on her. Just yelling like crazy. I think she may have cut him off and then she gave him the finger. It was hard to hear even though I turned my radio down and tried to listen.

And he really started yelling loud. It was to the point that I wouldn't have been surprised if he tried to grab her. But then he just walked away.

So I tweeted that I was going to get involved but I wasn't sure if he knew karate or not. (of course I was kidding because I was about to step in). Is that offensive to Asians? One of my Asian followers said no. I don't THINK it is. I guess because it's complimentary. Like assuming a black dude has a big one or a gay guy knows how to pick out window treatments.

What do I know? I'm just writing this stuff as a joke anyway. But I wonder what people think about these things. I'm sure it's mixed.

And on a related note, here's a really funny video from my friend Ed McGonigal* doing a bit about how the Irish take no offense to their stereotype about drinking. Check it out. It's the first joke in the video.

*Ed was my main man when I did stand-up back in the day in Philly. And for the record, I used to always call him "Crazy Legs" McGonigal. For no other reason that I thought it would be funny/stupid if when he went up onstage he said, "Crazy Legs McGonigal coming at you" - and did that thing where you hold your front knees then shake them around (like the flappers used to do). So after about a year of begging him to do it he finally did. And he's like, "There, you happy Zibbs?" And I was.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Do You Think This Dating Video Is Fake? Video.

Why are you ladies always complaining that there are no great men left?

Look at these prizes*.

*I actually think this whole thing was staged and that they're actors. What do you think?

Monday, July 12, 2010

Bingo The Dog Is Finally Gone. Burying A Dog Sucks.

A few weeks ago I mentioned how we had to put my dog Bingo to sleep because we found out he had cancer of the spleen. And we were going to do it right away because the vet said he only had a few weeks to live.

After talking to the vet more she said that he wasn't really in pain, just some discomfort. So we decided to take it day by day. And although he was more tired than usual, and followed us around more than more, he didn't seem that bad.

He even ran out the door and followed me up the street just a few days ago. I looked back and he was running after me, his big old lab tail wagging. Running a bit slower than usual but still running.

Well yesterday things took a turn for the worse. He started to bleed a bit out of his ass.

So we called the vet, and instead of telling us to bring him to one of the vets that was open on a Sunday she said, "I live in Downingtown. I'll be there in half hour." Which was so great.

She came over and we decided to have him put to sleep right there. On our front porch. It was really, really sad but also very peaceful. I didn't think that I'd be able to sit through it but I did. We talked to him as he got the first injection and got more and more tired.

Over the 20 minutes it took for him to be sedated a few people were walking their dogs around the block. He would normally bark but instead he just looked up. Once he was fully sedated, she gave the second injection and it was over in five minutes.

I even asked if she could help wrap him up in the blanket because just moving him around while he was lifeless was too much. So she wrapped him up. Swaddled him really. We thanked her and she left.

We decided to bury him in the back yard so we put him into the wheelbarrow and wheeled him to the back of our yard next to the creek. It was right next to where we buried all of the other frogs, gerbils, Guinea pigs and hermit crabs over the years. But this hole was going to have to be a lot bigger.

I dug the hole while Bingo laid wrapped in his favorite blue blanket. The hole took about an hour to dig because there were so many rocks. I'd stop once in a while and just look at the blanket - not believing he was dead. And cry a bit.

Finally, after digging the hole, we put him in the hole and made sure he was curled up. We then put two of his stuffed animals in with him. Then filled in the dirt. There was a huge rock that I put in front of his grave. I may paint his name on it.

A sad day. But I'm glad we decided to bury him in the back yard instead of having him cremated. At least we'll know he'll always be there.

Goodbye Bingo. You were a great dog.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Various 70's Advertising Images That I Like. Gremlin.

Here are a few 70's ads I found on the internet:

...And then, kick her down a flight of steps and dump some garbage on her. That's what they really want.

You mean I only have to make a multi-year commitment and potentially put my life in danger and I get some fine luggage? I'M IN!! Wait. Is it that faux alligator skin? It is? OK. Just checking.

That's right ladies. I'm a model. You may have seen me struttin' my stuff in that trousers ad. Remember that? Sure you do. But what's great is that now you can get my image in postcard form so you don't have to clip out my trouser ad and tape it to an index card and pretend it's a postcard. You're too sophisticated for that. And plus look at my sexy belly hair.

Just when I thought the Gremlin couldn't get any cooler you can now get it with seats that look like denim!

I have nothing funny to ad here. I just wanted to remind myself to track down these shoes. Seriously, look at them.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Weird Book Combination That I'm Reading. Swimming And Reading.

I've been spending a lot of time in my parents pool over the last week because of the heat here in South Eastern PA.

And when I'm not actually swimming I like to set up a beer in the low end and read. I like to walk in circles in the low end and read while I'm walking. So in the past week I've probably walked 10 hours in the pool.

It beats what some of you guys are doing when you're in the pool reading. Like inhaling a cheesesteak.

I'm not judging.

I also like to alternate what I'm reading. I'll read a few magazine articles for instance then I'll switch to a book. But this week I've been switching between two books. And I realized that maybe I AM a weirdo because one of the books is one of the saddest books I've ever read and the other has me laughing out loud.

I bet the people that are spying on my from in the woods are all, "Huh?"

The sad book is My Lobotomy by Howard Dully. It's super sad. It's about a man that was given a lobotomy in 1960 when he was 12. The really sad thing is that there was nothing really wrong with him. Trust me, you'll be crying.

The funny book is My Custom Van by Michael Ian Black. It's HYSTERICAL. It's a book of funny essays. I'm telling you, you've GOT to read this book. A few examples of the chapters are:

- One Day I'm Going To Open A Scented Candle Shop.
- A Series of Letters To The First Girl I Fingered.
- Lewis Black Hates Candy Corn: A Rebuttal

And as I'm switching between the two books I'm thinking, "Something is really weird about this".

Maybe not. I don't know.