Wednesday, December 31, 2008

End of Year Wrap Up At Chester County's That Blue Yak - 2008

What a year here at That Blue Yak. Could you imagine how dull and terrible your lives would be if I didn't bring you free, daily sunshine? Probably worse than rural India. Do you know they don't even have toilets there?

Here's a quick throw together year end recap of this blog. I've also added some things that may happen in 2009.

Number of posts written this year. Not including this one - 422.

Greatest Accomplishment - Having over 100 followers that have unknowingly signed up to kill for me or sleep with me.

Top Curiosity I Have About My Readers - How often they discuss this blog with friends and coworkers*. (Please leave details of your amazing stories in the comments section).

Top Goals For TBY Content in 2009 - Make some more original videos. Click here to view one of the few I've made.

Top Thing I'll Order Blog Readers To Do For Me in 2009 (In addition to killing for me and sleeping with me) - Leave more comments on the SnapVine Recorder - located on my sidebar. Don't hesitate. Do it now - there are some open lines. Or tonight when you're good and drunk.

Top Thing I've Neglected To Do - Send the prizes for the people that won my contest. I promise I'm gonna do it.

Top Thing a Reader Can Do To Show Their Appreciation - Get a That Blue Yak tattoo. Or at least buy a TBY T-shirt or mug. Click here to order.

So that's probably it folks. Have a great time celebrating tonight! See you next year!

*And I want everyone to come clean on this. With how many loyal readers I have, there has to be at least one nut out there who has stapled a face from a magazine onto a pillow, then attached the pillow to a mannequin body that they got from a yard sale and they pretend that it's me - Dr Zibbs. And then when a friend stops by, they panic and shove the Dr Zibbs figure into a closet because they're embarrassed. C'mon - don't lie. Someone has to have done something like this.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Carson Kressley Better Stay Out of My Way

Is there anyone else that can't stand Carson Kressley? If I ever see him, I'm going to bitch slap his pansy ass then push him down a flight of stairs. And don't even call me a homophobe because all of the other guys on that Queer Eye For The Straight Guy show are just fine.

It's just Carson Kressley. Prancing around and making his dumbass comments. And he's got another show called "How to Look Good Naked" or something like that. I heard him referred to on TV the other day as the self help/self esteem guru. Shut up!

And it's not just because he's a huge fembot. Richard Simmons is right up there with him in the lady department but Richard Simmons makes me laugh my ass off. I guess it bothers me because Kressley turns up the gay to 11 on purpose just to get a rise out of the straight guys and because he thinks he's so damn funny. Which he is not.... Stupid no talent.

And just to show that I'm an equal opportunity hater, I hate Kate Hudson and Tom Bergeron with the same passion.

Brother's Pizza In West Chester - One of The Best for Slices

I would like to thank my good friend/neighbor John Jones for suggesting the Buffalo chicken pizza that we ordered from Brother's Pizza a few weeks ago while shooting darts. I would have never guessed that pieces of spicy chicken on pizza would taste so great! I hereby name Brother's Pizza as being That Blue Yak restaurant approved. Let me just tell you that it's pretty hard to find great pizza in Chester County. This place does pizza right.

For those of you flying in to try it, Brother's Pizza is located in the Bradford Plaza on Downingtown Pike. You know, in the shopping center with Avante' Spa and the Giant. You'll have to get directions from the Philly airport to West Chester on your own. What am I?.. Google maps?

Kimba The White Lion - Classic Cartoon

Next to Speed Racer, this was my favorite cartoon as a 4 year old - Kimba the White Lion. That was his name you know. I can still remember watching it when I was a kid living in Wayne, PA. We lived in a neighborhood behind the Devon Horse Show. We lived there until I was 7 , then we moved to Chester County. That info isn't relevant, but it always helps traffic to add in certain keywords. Oh yeah. Boobies.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Tasty Ring Dings I Believe Are A Bit Different Now

Is it just me or has Drake's changed the recipe of their delicious, creme filled chocolate treats the Ring Ding? I'll admit that I haven't had one in a few years but something's not right.

I'm also not too crazy that they don't come individually wrapped in tin foil anymore. Do you know how much longer it's going to take me now to reach my goal of making the largest tin foil ball on earth? Hey it's not my fault.

So are there any other foods that have been changed that I should know about? Let me know. I can take it.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Please Keep Silence During the 4 Second Delay In Theaters

I see a lot of movies*. I see most of them in the afternoons - on extended lunches - or on the weekend. But always during the day. One of the main reasons I do this is because I can't stand when people have to make comments in between the scenes of the previews. I hate it to the point that it sickens me.

"Oh that looks dumb."
"Was that Dustin Hoffman? He looks older."

If I'm watching the movie with someone - which is rare - I take the opportunity during these 4 second delays to say in the most retarded, enthusiastic voice I can, "Oh yeah that's gonna be a good one. I'm seein' that!"

And I'll say the exact thing after every preview.

I guess it's just my way of balancing things out.

By the way, the only thing worse than that in a movie theater is watching a movie where the audience is laughing at all of the wrong things or laughing extra hard because they're excited to be in public and watching a movie. This brings out the worst in me!

*The movie I saw today at the East Whiteland Regal Theater was the Brad Pitt movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button . The movie where he's born as an old man then gets younger? I was a bit embarrassed saying the title out loud but it was a pretty good movie. Great story. Special effects and makeup were unbelievable. Brad Pitt was good but Kate Blanchett was great. Check it out.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Look at B.E.Earl Gettin' All Sexual And What Not

I've mentioned B.E.Earl before. I really like his blog. Here's a link to some sexual positions he was talking about. It's worth going there just to check out the animation on this post. The cartoon dude's butt creeps me out, but then again, the only dude's butt that doesn't creep me out is mine- when I catch a gimpse of it in the mirror.

Whatever. Check the post though. It's about sexual positions.

The link is here.

Friday, December 26, 2008

I'm A Very Gifted Ventriloquist - A Natural If You Will

So yesterday at my sister's house for Christmas I was inspecting the gifts that my nephews received and to my delight, and to the delight of everyone there, do you know what I found? Did you guess a Danny O'Day Ventriloquist dummy? If you did, you're right. The same one I told you about a few post ago. Remember I told you I got one in 5th grade?

Now I don't want to brag, but I'm kind of a natural. I'm not too good at keeping my lips from moving but I'm pretty skilled at insulting people and coming up with rude things to say on the fly. So much so that people were getting mad at me and running away.

I'm much better than this guy Jeff Dunham:

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Wow! I Can't Believe This Christmas Morning!

A plane? Seriously everyone. You went way overboard. I don't know who organized it but when I went out in my front yard this morning and there was a That Blue Yak plane? I couldn't believe it. Thanks!

Now I'm not trying to be an ingrate but fuel is very expensive. Are there gift cards hidden somewhere for jet fuel that I should know about?

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Last Minute Christmas Ideas For Cheap People

So I'm sure everyone's about to start their Christmas Shopping. Here are a few gift ideas that will save you a bit of time and money:

1) Make a phony, "I named a star after you " certificate. Go to the window, look up and say, "..there she is..nope..sorry..there she is. Right there. Next to that one. Yeah. She is a beauty." Are they really going to check?

2) What can you wrap around your house? This is a tough one as it's best to actually stage a burglary and steal some select items. Then, rewrap the gifts you stole and write on the card that you searched everywhere to find the exact items and that maybe this is the greatest Christmas ever because "someone can steal 'things' but they can't steal my heart". (This makes no sense but they'll be so excited they won't even think about your babble).

3) Simply write, "The magic of Christmas - believe" on construction paper. Write it in a fancy font and when they open it, put your hand on the back of their head and say, "I believe. Do you?" Then look into the distance. This will only work on artsy type of people. Most people will say, "Oh I believe. I believe you better go get my damn present." So think this one out.

4) Write, "The gift of........" on a piece of paper. As they read it, motion the homeless people that you've threatened with jail time to come in and start dancing. When they're finished with their train wreck of a dance, turn to the person you gave the gift to and say, "I think it is the thought that counts. Don't you?"

Merry Christmas everyone from me to you!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Don't Have A Terrible, Sad and Heartbreaking Christmas

So I hope you don't have a Christmas like the one I had in 5th grade. (warning: sad story ahead. Get tissues ready and prepare to feel sorry for me).

You see, I had gotten in the habit of sneaking into my parent's attic before Christmas to see what I was getting. So I go up there and there's this huge box. This box was the shape of a refrigerator box but a bit smaller. Probably the size of a casket you'd bury a dwarf in. A little bigger than that. A dwarf wearing platform shoes and an Abe Lincoln hat. Yeah, that big of a box. What? I'm trying to set the scene.

Anyways, on the gigantic box are these kids sitting at a command center. It looked like friggin' NASA, but with 70's kids.

"Ready for blast off Timmy?"
"Over and out Jeffrey."

It was some type of telescope command center. It was at the back of the attic so I was too nervous to climb to the back and see exactly what it was.

So Christmas morning comes and I open my regular presents. The Panapet, Panasonic Ball radio (see picture above). Danny O'Day dummy. Mad Magazine books. But where the hell was my space command center?

So after looking all over I then asked my parents,

Me: Is that it?

Mom: Is that it? Look at all the stuff you got.

Me: What about that huge space center?

Mom: What?

Me: That huge box in the attic with the kids working on those huge machines.

Mom: Oh that. That was your cousin Mark's from years ago. I needed a really big box last time I was at your Aunt Margarete's so she gave me the box. Did you want one of those*?

: (close up of confused face - camera zooms in closer to show empty feeling - super close up of eyes turning slightly teary) Oh. (sadness and disappointment suppress deep, deep inside the little boy's soul)

.....And Merry Christmas!

*In way, I guess we all lost on that day. Could you imagine if I had gotten that thing? And I got totally into science? Imagine how space travel, robots and all things sciencey might be different today. We'll never know.

Here's a Christmas Message From Me To You - Kind of

So Chris from the blog Some Guy's blog has done a Christmas video message to all of his blog readers. Since we have many of the same readers, please view his Christmas message here and pretend it's from me. If your name is not mentioned by him, simply say it out loud at the end.

If you're Jewish, Happy Hanuka. I'm not sure if Chris is anti-Semitic, is afraid of Jewish people or he just forgot. He probably just forgot. If you celebrate Kwanzaa, you receive no holiday wishes as that holiday is just stupid.

Monday, December 22, 2008

The King of Jerks - When It Comes To Dog Breeds

If someone forced me to pick one breed of dog that should be extinct, I'd have to go with the Schnauzer. Is there another breed that won't shut up and is just downright mean? I can't think of one. And I'm a dog lover too. Oh yeah, unless of course it's YOUR Schnauzer...yeah....yours is different and I'd probably like yours. Mmm-hmmm.

The other breeds that make the short list are the Yorkie (yapper) and the dummy of all breeds, the Dalmatian. I might spare these based on the individual personality though.

Here's A Real Creepy Nightmare I Had Last Night

This is a real nightmare I had last night. This is not a joke. Some creepy dude had me locked in a wooden coffin. I heard him telling someone on the outside that he would release me under the following conditions:

1) He wanted samples of my hair. All hair, including eyelashes and nether region hair.
2) He wanted a skin scraping sample.
3) He wanted a silhouette outline of my body straight on as well as sideways. And he clarified that the side view should include an outline when I was erect. WHAT THE HELL!!??

Now it gets even creepier. I got a call out of the blue IN REAL LIFE on Friday from someone I haven't spoken to since high school. He left a voicemail. He wanted to know how things have been. I have no plans to call him back because I'm sure he's going to want to get together. The creepy thing is - he was the dude in the nightmare! But aged and scrawny and serial killerish. AHHHHHHH!

What do you think this means?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Various Thoughts On Cooking Shows

I love to cook and I love to watch cooking shows. Here are a few random thoughts on cooking shows.

Bobby Flay - makes awesome food and is a great instructor. I love the Throwdown. I really miss Grillin' and Chillin' which was one of the first Food TV shows.

The Neely's - annoy the hell out of me. "Oh yeah baby, put some more sugar on that. Just like you - sweatie". Shut up!

Emeril makes some great food but his Schtick makes me sick. The only thing worse than, "BAM" is the reaction that the seals in the audience give him when he mentions he's going to add more garlic. Puuulease. And he better watch it because he's getting tubby.

Rachel Ray? I can't take her anymore.

Alton Brown - I'm almost done with him but his basics of cooking and the science behind cooking keeps me watching. But major nerd.

Guy Fieri - I can't get enough of the Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives Show. He's got a few new good shows now.

Giada De Laurentis -Pretty likeable. Shows are OK. Is it just me or does she have one of the largest head you've ever seen. Pretty sexy though.

Tyler Florence - Excellent. He makes some great stuff.

Aida Mollenkamp - Have no idea when her show is on but she's a feast for the eyes.

Man Vs Food -This is of my new favorite shows. He goes to various places and tries to breat the record for food intake. Kevin Arnold lookalike?

The Barefoot Contessa - I can't watch without thinking about her feet. Therefor, I don't watch.

Gordon Ramsay - He can be a real A-hole but if you can't stand the heat, get the hell out of the kitchen.
There you go.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Is It Just Me Or Does This Commercial Have Sex Written All Over It?

Can you believe this commercial for the oven cleaner Mr Muscle? It's got sex written all over it. Subliminal style. I thought that was illegal. Here's my evidence.

1) It's got Charlotte Rae in it.
2) She's on all fours with her ass in your face.
3) Listen closely at 15 seconds in when she moans the word, "ohhhhhhhh". Pretty obvious what that's supposed to sound like.
4) At 21 seconds in do you hear that word they use? Yup. "Penetrate". Do you know what that means? Look it up. You won't believe it.

I rest my case.

I'm Totally Not Getting You This For Christmas

To this day, sometimes instead of simply saying, "Thanks" like a normal person, I'll say "Thanks for the gumball Mickey". Then I feel like an idiot when I have to explain what the hell I'm talking about.

Those days are over because from now on instead of telling them, I'll just show them. Show them this Youtube video for gumball banks that is.

Here it is.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Celebration, Books, Bees and Me

So my Friday send off song this week is Celebration by Kool and the Gang? What am I celebrating? Well, my wife's book club is having their year end party so we're going to someone's house for cocktails and then off to the West Chester Country Club for dinner so I guess we're celebrating..... the Secret Life of Bees? ....or one of those other books that I've seen around my house....who knows.

Actually it's a great group and it's going to be a lot of fun. But if the subject of books does come up, I'm totally prepared to steer the conversation back to my blog. Which is kind of like a book but way more sexy and interesting then a book about beekeeping that doesn't contain a single picture of someone getting stung by bees or a person wearing a beard of bees. I don't get it.

I dedicate the song this week to Franki (just started really reading her blog and I love it!) and Southern Belle and Cora. So make sure to check out their blogs. Remember, it's commentors like these that keep my ego huge, powerful and healthy.

To hear the song, put on your dancing shoes and click here.

Old Lady Trying To Convert Her Analog TV - The Video

Do you want to see something so funny that you'll have tears streaming down your face????????

If yes, check out what I just saw on the Butterfly Farmer's blog. To see the fall on the floor hilarity, click here. I give this a 9 on a 1-10 scale of funny. What's your rating?

Questions About Displaying Hat Collections On Your Car Window Sill

Why on earth do douchebgs display their hat collections on the back window sill of their cars? You know - how they line up the baseball caps with pride as if anyone gives a shit.

At what point does someone see a hat collection and say, "That looks great. I'm going to start one. First thing to do is drive to the mall to get about three more hats so it doesn't look ridiculously bare with the four hats I currently have. Then I'll draw up some plans as to what order I'll place them".

Do hat displayers ever see another hat displayer in a parking lot and stop to compliment them?

"Hey man, what's up? Nice hats. I'm hat displayer too. It's pretty cool how you put two different era Phillies caps on either side of the current Eagles cap. It really balances the Phillies caps out and draws the eye toward the fancy stitchwork on the rim of the Eagles cap. Well done".

"Thanks man. Believe it or not, that was a mistake. I was going to do an all Phillies - by color display - and I was taking my Eagles cap scene down...well, my girlfriend calls me for something and when I came back, I was like, I think I'm on to somethin' here."

"It totally works."

Do hat displayers ever feel so proud after a new hat acquisition and layout that they drive their car around town to show them off?

(at stop light talking to girls) "Are you ladies into hats? Don't be afraid. Step a little closer. Do you see what I did back there? No big deal really....I mean, I've never seen all those caps together in one place AND displayed the way I did right back there either but...Well, that's what I do........ So, do you have any question I can answer?"

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Pledge Of Allegiance DOH Moment

So I'm at a business lunch today and before the lunch they did the Pledge of Allegiance. Instead of saying "..Indivisible, with Liberty, and Justice for All", I totally said "...Invisible, with Liberty, and Justice for All". I think two people heard me.

(hitting hand on forehead) STUPID!

You see, I remember hearing some little kid use the word invisible one time during the pledge and I guess it's always on the tip of tongue. Maybe I have a mild case of Tourettes. Who knows, maybe someone with Tourettes sneezed on me without me knowing or something. I don't know. I have the same fear that I'm going to address a cop sometime with the line, "Hello Ociffer". I just know it.

Have any of you idiots ever done anything like that? No? Yeah right. Like you're all so smart. That's it...stop reading my blog you liars.

That Blue Yak Crappy Gifts For Sick People Stockpile

So I was reading Queen Goob's blog, This is my be it, and I came up with an idea for this post. It's called,

The That Blue Yak Crappy Gifts for Sick People Stockpile. You see, most people don't want to actually buy a gift for charity. But what if you didn't have to actually buy one? I'm proposing that we make a list of gifts that MIGHT be given to some sick people and we just send the list to a place where sick people are. Maybe, just maybe, some rich dude will see the list and buy all of the presents for the sick people. Who knows?

And why waste really good things on sick people? They're probably going to just cough on it anyway or something. And it's the thought that counts right? So the crappier the gift the better.

So what you do is:

1) Pick a crappy gift for the That Blue Yak Crappy Gifts For Sick People Stockpile and post it on your site.
2) Pick 5 bloggers that you think might want to open their hearts and pick a crappy gift.
3) Link back to this post.
4) And if you really want to get into heaven, write, "I POSTED A CRAPPY GIFT" in the comments section of this post so we can see the crappy gifts you picked.

So my crappy gift is:

A Hitler doll. I'll make sure to break an arm off so it's less collectible. And the 5 bloggers that I'm choosing to pass this tradition on are:

Queen Goob

Skyler's Dad

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Tenacious D Double Team - Check This Out

A few readers may know that I'm a major Tenacious D fan. Jack Black is brilliant. Not only have I seen them in concert a few times but I was a huge fan before they were even widely known. This was when they had shorts on Mr Show. And I might add that I used to stand up years ago in Philly with Paul F Tompkins . He's the MC in this video and a Philly area native.

If you haven't seen all of the Tenacious D shorts, rush out and either get the Tenacious D DVD or the Mr Show DVD's. Comedy gold.

Also, their first album is not only hysterical but musically? ....Kickass..

Here's one of my favorite songs from the album - Double Team.

Part 3 - Conclusion of Sexy Dream Revealed By Blogger

(as many of you know, some sexy business has started with Gwen the blogger. See parts one and two, then clean yourself off and read on). the love making went on for hours. Dr Zibbs needed some energy so Gwen made him a hearty breakfast that included some eggs Benedict and some freshly squeezed OJ and then it continued...

Gwen: (lying on Zibbs and playfully twirling his hair) Are you ready to go again?

Zibbs: After being revitalized with that heavenly Bearnaise sauce my dear? Of course.

Pumping resumes. Positions that make the Kamasutra look like a Bazooka Joe strip are used.

Gwen: Zibbs..

Zibbs: "Doctor" ..Zibbs please.

Gwen: Dr Zibbs, the things that you've done to me..the way you held my leg up and the softly tickled the arch of my foot. Thank God I lotion myself all over like I wrote in that one blog post a few weeks ago. ...the emotions that you've brought did you learn all of this??...What exotic lands must one travel to get to this level of sexual experience? Are you even human??...How does one man please a woman like...

Zibbs: (covers her mouth) Shhhhhhh.

Gwen: I'm sorry baby (girlishly) Am I talking too much?

Zibbs: No I just heard the Bearnaise sauce bubbling in the kitchen. Would you mind topping this piece of poached egg off?

Gwen: Anything my dear.

She gets up (TOTALLY NUDE) and walks into the kitchen. Zibbs playfully throws a sausage patty at her ass. It sticks for a second then falls to the floor. She giggles. Gwen also totally ignores the fact that Eggs Benedict are made with Hollandaise sauce and not Bearnaise.

Zibbs: Get links next time baby. Get links.

Gwen: (returns to the bed and spoons some Bearnaise over a piece of Zibbs's last piece of egg and feeds it to him) How's that Dr Zibbs? Can we get back to fucking now?

Gwen, we can after you answer me one question.

What is it stallion?

Why are there 100 shoes lined up over there behind that curtain?

(nervously) Um. I just like to line my shoes up behind there like that?

Gwen, let's take this from the top. Why are there 100 shoes lined up over there?

Gwen: You know don't you?

(shaking head) Of course I do. It's OK, let them in.

(walks over to the curtain and pulls it back to reveal 50 of his female bloggers from his record breaking 104 followers that have been hiding.....and watching.....and learning.... behind a curtain in the bedroom)
C'mon girls!

The 50 bloggers jump onto the bed and the "gettin it on" begins. Mind you it's an enormous bed.

Gwen, you better put on some more Bearnaise...we're gonna need it. (Pauses, turns toward camera and shrugs) Here we go again.

And CUT!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Part 2 of My Sexy Dream With A Gwen The Blogger

So I feel pretty lame that everyone complained that the dream I had about a blogger didn't get hotter. What do you people want? I was just describing a dream. So here are some portions of the transcript I will share after going to a hypnotist today (in tears) to help me continue that dream:

Zibbs: (sleeping like a baby on Gwen's cot he feels two things - a very bit symmetrically off for some reason - covering his eyes) What the?

Gwen: (in sexy voice) We call that the Saint Louis grapefruit face squoosh.

Zibbs: (wakes up with Gwen's ample breasts in his face) What? Why I never......... (He grabs Gwen and wrestles her to the floor. They roll off of the porch he was forced to sleep on and into her coolly decorated den)

A few minutes pass- Gwen is pinned to the floor. Similar to what you'd expect in a Bond movie

Zibbs: Gwen, you knew it was coming to this. So at what point was it that you knew you had to have me? Was it the comment I wrote about your wacky wafers? The post I wrote back in June about the pear shaped people? My posts about retarded people? Or perhaps the dreams you've had of THIS! (he pulls out a pen and writes a note revealing that his handwriting is in fact the writing of Brian - the dude that left a note on Gwen's garage). You see Gwen. If you mix up the word "Brian" and reconfigure them, they spell "Brain". And my brain coincidentally is located in my dick. And by dick, I'm referring to what doctors call...the penis.

Gwen: (all starry eyed and shit) Take me. In the roughest way possible. Well, start gentle but then get rough after the first minute.

Zibbs: (Zibbs snaps his fingers ala' the Fonz. Al Green's "Tired of Being Alone" starts playing on the stereo. Gwen doesn't notice that it has nothing to do with Zibb's finger snap, but a Zibbs staff member that reached around the corner and turned on the stereo). You my dear, are about to experience something that's ...well, I won't tell you ...I'll show you.

Gwen: (eyes widen then shut - lips pucker - back arches - knowing that she's about to experience something that that only a few select hundreds have) TAKE ME TO THAT LAND!! WHAAAAAAA!

It begins

To be continued

Blogger Shares Dream Details He Had About Another Blogger

So one of my best and longest blogging friends Gwen was in my dream the other night. We do email each other so I sent the details to her. As a special gift to my readers, I will now share the details with you. And for those of you that have started to wisely collect THAT BLUE YAK memorabilia, you may want to print this out and hide it away. Letters, historically have proven to be a very wise investment.

Please note that this is the actual content of the email. Spelling and grammar have not been proofed by my staff as this is a real, personal email from one blogger to another.

Also, the contents are very sexy so you may want to make sure you have thick undergarments (in case of "leakage"). You also might want to read it in private as well, in case you get the urge to touch yourself. I'm just warning you.

Here is the letter:

Here we go..So a bunch of people were at a bar - including
> you - in
> Saint L. And it was really scummy like when the
> Griswald's from National
> Lampoon Vacation were on SL (Remember when the black dudes
> were stealing
> the hub caps?) And the one black guy (who was actually on
> the White
> Shadow) says, "You want directions? I don't even
> live in Saint Louis,
> I'm just visiting my cousin." - or something like
> that.
> Anyway, it was some kind of blogger meetup and I was
> sleeping in at your
> house on a cot on the porch. It must have been the 2nd
> night because I
> was joking and said, "When I went by your room you
> know, your blankets
> were off and I saw you nude you know."
> You knew I was kidding but then you said, "But I
> really did come by and
> YOUR blankets were off and I saw you."
> You then pinned me against the wall and said, "Well
> have a good night
> Zibbs". And lets just say you were really pressing
> against me."
> Awwww yeah.

The End.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Sometimes In These Crazy Times We Forget The Special Things

Never forget.....

The Lost Saucer *

Sure. Everyone remembers Dr Shrinker and Bigfoot and Wildboy from the Krofft Supershow but to tell you the truth, I've never heard The Lost Saucer brought up in conversation. And I talk to a lot of people too! I wonder why?

*10 points to the dummy that can name the Jim Nabors and Ruth Buzzi characters.

As You All Know - I've Reached My Goal of 100 Followers

So here are the bloggers that helped me reach my goal of getting 100 followers. Thanks to them and ALL of the little people that read my blog (that's you I'm talking about). All these blogs are either bloggers that found me or blogs I found through the current blogs I read.

#95 - Artful Kisser - Oh yeah? Prove it.

#96 - Robot Nine -This is one of my new favorite blogs. Everyday, he shows nine images or nine videos on a related subject.

#97 - Mental Poo - He's got all kinds of crazy crap happening over there.

#98 - You're Out of Your Element Bethie - West Virginee DOES have internet access as this is where this blogger lives.

#99 - 180/360 - I used to read her blog but somehow her blog isn't in my Google Reader. So I'll add it now. And look at the avatar - vavavoom.

#100 - What Do The Voices Mean - I just started reading his blog about 2 weeks ago. Pretty funny.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

George Bush Getting Hit By Shoes? I Don't Think So

You've got to admit after watching this video that George W has some catlike reflexes. To view it, click here.

Oh The Irony. Why Am I So Unhandy?

So last night by daughter locked herself in her room. After getting the doorknob off, the metal piece that goes into the side of the door still wouldn't come out. I went online to look up "how a doorknob works". I used various screwdrivers, knives, bent credit cards. Nothing worked.

An hour and a half into the ordeal I climbed out my bedroom window and into my daughter's room - breaking the blinds as I climbed into her room. I brought her onto the porch roof and into my bedroom and went back into her room to try from the inside. Failure again.

I rarely get headaches but I now had the worst headache. Probably from the frustration so I said to hell with it. I'll do it in the morning.

So I turn the TV on feeling like a complete failure. And do you know what is on? "Alone in the Wilderness"! The story about Richard Proenneke - the dude that lives in Alaska for 30 years and built everything with his hands. I almost threw my TV out the window. But then I figured I'd have to fix the window so I just sat and watched the show. In shame.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

I Can't Believe Santa Would Sing This Song About Sucking

Now this Christmas song is just fresh. But pretty catchy.

*warning* foul language

Friday, December 12, 2008

Johnny Cash At Folsom You SOB

Could you imagine if you were sitting in a bar and me and Johnny Cash came walking in? Oh my God! We'd rip that joint a new a-hole. And you'd be witnessing the whole damn thing. You'd be telling the story to anyone that would listen for years after that.

So here's my Friday song send off. I dedicate this to Jennifer and Giggle Pixie.


Old People Forced To Do Things Against Their Will

Listen to this dream I had last night that I'm totally not making up.

I was given the job of running a TV show where old people are put into a retirement home against their will. Really pissed off, cranky old people. And the home is almost like a concentration camp. Then, the old people are told that to get out of the home, they have to get in teams and compete against each other. All the teams have to form Spanish speaking pop groups and perform. The thing is, they have no talent, they're racist, they don't speak Spanish and they're all just really pissed off but they'll do anything to get out of the home.

And get this, the name of the show is called Shazam! I have no idea why. I don't control my dreams. That's just what it's called. Pretty weird huh?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Tee Hee Hee - That Is A Funny Video My Friend

Always funny commenter Skyler's Dad wins the "Dots a Good Von" award of the day. Check out this hilarious video about broads yappin' about yogurt on his site. Point and click your mouse HERE. I'm a warnin' though. It's kind of blue.

Real Story About My Dad And Nirvana

So I just heard Nirvana and was thinking about this real life conversation that happened with my Dad years ago.

Dad did you hear about Kurt Cobain from that group Nirvana? He killed himself?

Dad: (Shocked) What?? Oh my God. What happened?

He shot himself.

Dad: Oh my God. I was just watching a concert of his the other day on TV and was thinking how great he was.

Me: (Shocked) You were?

Dad: Yeah. As a matter of fact, I told your mother that the next time he comes to town we should go see him.

Me: (even more shocked) Nirvana?!

Dad: Yeah. He was great! You don't think he's good?

Me: ..Uh..No. I do ........ they're great. I just can't believe you like Nirvana. So you would have seen them in concert?!

Dad: Oh yeah. It was great. I was watching the concert and couldn't take my eyes off of it...with the symbols over here..and he's got the string instruments over here..and he's orchestrating the thing like...

Me: Dad. Was the concert on PBS and did the guy have long black hair?

Dad: Yeah.

Me: Are you talking about Yanni?

Dad: Yeah. Yanni.

From that day on, we've referred to Yanni as NirYanni.

And now a shout out to my new followers that are helping me reach my goal of 100 followers. Check out their blogs. You'll probably find something you like.

#89 is Cowguy - representing Missouri. Funny post up now about toys to avoid at Christmas.

#90 is "." - her blog is Fried Sandwiches Better With Mustard. Super cool layout over there.
#91 is Alice from Mindless Ramblings of a 26 year old. I think I know who she's related to.

#92 is West Chester's John Young. His blog is Tikaro.

#93 is the blog Talk With No Thought. Cleveland rocks!

#94 is Crys from Cleary Crystal. You can see actual photos of her. Very easy on the eyes if you know what I mean.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Who Wants To Play The Love Boat Game?

I wonder what washed up actors will show up on this week's episode of the Love Boat?

Here's how to play: Write up to three names in the comments section of actors you think will be in this episode of The Love Boat. Then, come back up and watch the Youtube clip.

Did you win? If you did, that means you were a loser growing up watching this while the rest of us cool people were out drinking beer. Congratulations!

Blogger Emerges From Hangover Coma And Speaks

How meeting me changes lives (and probably helps sick kids too). To read this blogger testimonial, click here.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Chester County Blogger Claims, "I'm Bigger Than Google"

If blog followers were like currency and the number of blog posts were like your age, I'd humbly be like Thurston Howell III but with my ball sack hanging down past my knees. "Excuse me Lovey.....would you mind calling Gilligan? I've got an itch on my nut and I can't reach it."

And why? Do you see that I have 89 blog followers and this post is #464? Move over fattest twins on mini bikes and cow with two heads because they've got to be putting me in the Guiness Book of World Records soon because I've never seen anything like this. We've got a record on our hands probably.

I just hope that I reach 100 followers before I write my 500th post. So for anyone who becomes a follower from now until blog follower 100, I'll give you a link. For free! And if you don't think you'll get a lot of traffic, check out what a new blogger named Scope has dubbed the Zibbs effect. Awwww yeah!

Wacky Packages, Art Spiegelman and Nerds

So in my last post* I mentioned Wacky Packages and a few people said how much they loved those stickers. I knew there were a lot of old farts reading this blog. For the youngsters, Wacky Packages were stickers that spoofed products. I met a few of the original artists at the Licensing Show in NYC a few years ago. Or was it the International Toy Fair? I forget.

Here's a YouTube video that features some of the stickers. To view it, click here.

They also have a Wacky Packages book out with a forward by Art Spiegelman. Did you know he was one of the artists? He was. And I had a nice long conversation with him. You see, nobody knew who he was because it was an industry show I attended which means "no comic book nerds allowed". Sorry nerds - maybe next time.

*If you haven't read all of the comments in my last post ("the sex talk post"), go do it now. They're hysterical!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Real Sex Talk From My Dad - I'm Not Pulling Your Leg On This One

I'm always brushing up on my sexual technique and knowledge. Whether it be reading the latest journal articles on positions and trends, trying new stretches to keep myself limber or catching up on the new costumes that the kids are wearing these days. A Warren G. Harding outfit? You're kidding me.

Well it got me thinking about the real life sex talk that I got in about 5th or 6th grade from my Dad. He was obviously put up to it by my mom. I swear this happened.

(My Dad comes into my bedroom and shuts the door)

Dad: Son, I need to talk to you about something.

Me: What?

Dad: Put the your cards away.

Me: They're not cards. They're Wacky Packages.

Dad: ....Just put them away for now. Do you know anything about sex?

Me: (looking at shoe) Yeah.

Dad: (pulling collar) Are there any parts that you have questions on.

Me: ...No....uh. Not really.

Dad: You see 24 - 28 days or so a woman menstruates. And.....Well...

Me: (still looking at shoe but the topic of menstruation makes me look at the other shoe)

Dad: ...Well, when someone like your mother or...or your sisters ....or anyone menstruating - having a period that is....they're...well they're very sensitive. In the lower abdomen region.

Me: Uh huh.

Dad: ...So.....basically...what I'm saying here is you don't want to rough housing with a woman and under no circumstances should you ever punch a woman in the stomach....that's uh....that's about it I guess for now.

Me: OK.

Hey Everyone - Grant Miller's Drysdale Award Is Over There

Go vote for the blogger of the year at Grant Miller Media. There will be a real live award ceremony. Click here to vote. By the way, it's called the Drysdale Award. Probably named after the banker on the Beverly Hillbillies. I don't know.
If you vote for me, come back and tell me you did. If you didn't, come back and just tell me you did anyway.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

West Chester Blogger Meetup. Good Times

So Friday was the night I told you I was going to meet some bloggers in person. Talk about a great time. As I told you, I knew what JDizzle and Smoochies* looked like but they had no idea what I looked like.

So I'm sitting at the bar at The Note and I see them. I watched (stalked) them for a few minutes to feel them out. I wanted to build the suspense. So I'm just about to go over, and I see this guy that I met a few weeks ago at an event. His name as of yesterday is Swedish Chef because we later convinced him to start a blog. So I tell him the situation and ask if he wants to play a joke. So this is what happens:

Swedish Chef approaches JDizzle

Swedish Chef: Excuse me, have heard that Dr Zibbs is in the house?

JDizzle: What? He is?

Swedish Chef: He is.

JDizzle: Are you him?

Swedish Chef: No. I'm not Dr Zibbs.

(I'm standing with my back turned to the scene. I then turn around).

Dr Zibbs: JDizzle? I'm Dr Zibbs.

JDizzle: Ahhhhhh!!! Oh my God!!!

Hugs are exchanged. I swear that there were some tears of excitement in JDizzle's eyes but she'll have to come clean on that herself (fingers covering mouth) Tee hee hee.

We then were laughing and talking as if we were old friends. She was one of the earliest commenters on my blog and although she said she reads it all the time she said she just doesn't comment as much but PROMISED me she would.

Smoochies was getting a drink so I went over and did a similar intro to her. Same deal. Super sweet and funny person. So the night goes on, we're all hanging out and then they invite me and Swedish Chef back to JDizzle's house, along with the group of 15 or so people that were with them.

And that's when the real fun started. Do you know when you meet people and you instantly really like them? Well this was the case with this crew. The drinks were a flowin', everyone's laughing and then JDizzle pulls out a box of wigs and says everyone has to wear a wig.

As the music's playing, the next phase began. A lightsaber fight. So we're taking turns posing with light sabers and JDizzle is taking these great pictures**. I'll post some when I get them. The only "issue" was when Swedish Chef accidently hit this cool model of the solar system that was hanging in their bar room and Jupiter fell off. Or it could have been Uranis I forget. I shit you not that we couldn't find it. It turned up later. One of their dogs had grabbed it and was chewing on it in the other room.

Anyways, meeting these bloggers in person was way cooler than I ever would have suspected. Tons of laughs. What a great night! And I'm sure we'll see each other again soon.

So that was my night meeting some That Blue Yak readers. And everyone should visit their blogs too and say hello***. And don't even try to bribe them into selling you any of my DNA that may have come off in the wig or on the light saber. I suspiciously saw someone carrying the precious DNA smeared light saber out of the room while wearing cloth gloves. I was very clear with everyone there about my fear of cloning. Or was it clowning that I was babbling about? Who knows.

So who will be the next to meet me? Maybe it will be you..or you......or even YOU!

* That's Smoochies in the picture. They said it was OK that I posted pics but just in case I was imagining that I've disguised her in the photo.
**There was one picture taken of me that you can't really make out who I am and it's got this really evil shadow in it. I might post it when JDizzle sends it. Swedish Chef described the picture as "Bad ass".
***And also egg them on to write a post about what it was like to meet me. Dr Zibbs.

Pork Shoulder In Oven - Check Out This Song

So I had a pork shoulder brining all night and woke up early to put it in the oven. I'll post the blogger meetup story a little later so check back every half hour throughout the day.

In the meantime, check out this cool song I just found about pork on the Youtube. It's a bit long but catchy. And look at that pig riding on the sausage? Pretty hypnotizing. If they ever make that into a real, non cartoon vehicle, I'm totally buying one. Yeah wait. I'll do it too.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Another Concert I Saw - Tom Petty

In my series of posting concerts I've been to, this was my second concert -Tom Petty in 1979 (Cheap Trick was my first). It was on the Damn the Torpedoes Tour and I saw him at the Spectrum in Philly. The opening band was TKO. Here's a video of him singing American Girl in 1978.

Friday, December 5, 2008

The Note - Bam's Bar - In West Chester Tonight

So the weekend kickoff song is by Missing Palmer West. They'll be playing in West Chester tonight at The Note. Local bloggers JDizzle and Smoochies are gonna be there. I've never met them in person so it'll be pretty cool. If I go that is. I need to see if any of my lame friends can go out on such short notice. And of course I need to make sure my Zibbs skull topped walking stick is nice and polished. The blogger Kimmie also expressed some interest in going. I'd like to meet her too finally.

If you're going, the other two bands playing are Cheers Elephant and The Shackeltons.

And as for Gwen's Hot Blogger Holiday Hookup happening in Saint Loius this weekend, make sure to take plenty of pictures and make notes of all discussions that have to do with me.

Who Do You Think Bingo Anita Is?

So Anita the Bingo player left another message on the Snapvine recorder (see sidebar). Hysterical. There are three messages from her now. Who do you think she is? Maybe she'll give us some clues. Love it!

I think it's Sass but have no idea.

Listen to the sexy voice of Sista #2. Tell me she couldn't be doing voice over work. And who is "Jill"? The one that says, "You've been a bad, bad boy? I can't take it. These are all great. Please out all of the unknown bloggers so I can move them all to my That BlueYak SVP Hall of Fame.

Keep em comin'. As a reminder, put the number in your wallet now so you can leave a message when you're all fired up tonight. Oh yeah.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I'm Proud That There Are People Who Have Courage

See. You did it. In my last post, I asked for at least three voice messages on the old Snapvine recorder - or the SVR - and you did it. Now isn't it great to have the added bonus of some voices on this blog?

I'm surprised how many people thought they had to leave these great messages. I guess since I set the standard so high, everyone thought that they had to leave these unbelievable, rehearsed messages. If you try to live up to impossible standards, you'll always fail. Are we clear with that ..(holding your chin and making you look into my eyes while I talk like Mike Brady).. I said are we clear with that?

It's like if you came to my castle and you were served the most unbelievable gourmet meal, while drinking the finest wine and were entertained by barely clothed dancers (normal height) and dwarfs. Then, the following week when I arrived at your trailer I was served a Suzi-Q on a paper plate and entertained by watching Mama's Family on VHS. Even if you wanted to do Mama's Family scene studies because "Paw likes to see various interpretations of his story" - I wouldn't complain. I'd be happy with the fact that you tried. No matter how sad it was. We're. All. Different.

So from now on, get comfortable with the old SVR. I will probably delete messages every once and a while to keep things fresh. So move into the space age and accept this new technology. Just give it shot and say hello. Jot that number down now so you can call when you're good and drunk. Remember, you can delete your message before sending it if you get chicken - BWAKK BWAK BWAK!

So Let's Hear Some Messages On The Snapvine Recorder

As I mentioned yesterday, I added the Snapvine recorder to my sidebar. If you want to hear some messages I left on other bloggers recorders, check the rap song out here. Or what I thought was an anonymous prank call here. Or the double whammy here.

Someone left a really funny one on mine about playing Bingo. I'm not sure who it was but I think it might be H. Whoever it was - excellent. So before I leave more messages I want to hear from you guys. Here are a few ideas:

- Sing a Christmas song.

- Record your thoughts while you're lying in that big, lonely bed.

- Tell me some juicy gossip about some bloggers.

- Do a crappy imitation.

- Record the fight you're having with your spouse, "Dr Zibbs this, Dr Zibbs that..I'M NOT DR ZIBBS!!! NOBODY IS!! WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS!!"

- Record the sounds from you fascinating jobs.

- Record the absurd response your preacher gives you when you ask him to explain why I can't be Jesus. Or at least the holy ghost.

Go ahead. It doesn't have to be brilliant or funny. Just think of it as another comment - unbrilliant and unfunny. Not all of you know. And don't forget to check back on the hour to hear the great messages that are going to be piling up on the SVR. OK ready.......Begin!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I've Been Outed By Technology Damn It!

..well, kind of. H from the blog It's Always Darkest Before I Open My Eyes, added a Snapvine feature to her blog. I called and left a prank phone call but didn't realize I'd be outed by my THAT BLUE YAK avatar. Oh well. I also left one on Whiskey Marie's without knowing.

And if you look on my sidebar, I've added a Snapvine gadget as well so please leave me some voice messages. Make sure to listen to the prompts at the end because you can edit your messages after you get all nervous and screw up the first few times.

Maybe I'll have a contest later asking people to do various imitations on the Snapvine recorder...yeah...I'm totally gonna do that. Or sing or something. Yeah. Maybe that too.

You can add the Snapvine voice command to your sidebar in less than five minutes so you might as well do it. Imagine the possibility of getting a message from me? Yup. The future is here. Today. Now excuse me while I call my butler to whip me up a batch of refreshing Tang.

Dots A Good Von - Concerning Jive Turkey Sleeping Hillbilly

I love hearing great stories. A friend told me a great one the other night. Here's the tale in the words of my friend:

"So my brother is kind of like a hillbilly character. He lives in a trailer in Florida. So he's all drunk and he wonders out into a field behind the trailer park to play his banjo. The thing is, he's so drunk, he falls asleep."

"He said he was asleep for a few hours when BAM! This huge thing slammed into his chest like someone dropped something on him! He's like, 'what the hell?' He opens his eyes and it was a GOD DAMN TURKEY VULTURE! - the thing must have thought he was dead."

"So he looks over and there are two other vultures about ten feet from him and one circling above. What the fuck?"

I was laughing my ass off when he told me this. Seriously, what the hell? Could you imagine if that thing took a bite into him? The closest thing to this happening to me was when chickens and rooster would attack me when I was doing my paper route. Oh yeah....and a German Shepherd bit me on the ass while on that route too.

So does anyone have any good "When animals attack stories?" Let the comments begin.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Lydia Brings Up An Interesting Couch Humping Question

So in my post about catchphrases, Lydia (Obsessive Girl) brought up a question about when guys pretend to hump couches and chairs. The Utah blogger asks:

Why is it that all guys hump shit? The couch? The corner? The wall? The dog? Me?

She goes on to say:

Just another tidbit. When I see guys hump chairs (or a couch, whatever...) I usually look at them and think, is that what they look like when they 'DO IT'? All uncoordinated and odd looking?

Well Lydia, do you know the scene in Knocked Up when Seth Rogan is on the phone and his friends are pretending to get it on with each other? When I'm around friends and we're drinking, this happens all the time. As for the way of doing it and how they look, if you take any guy out of context, his face is always going to look ridiculous. In fact, it's pretty creepy when it's in context if you ask me.

As for the uncoordinated and odd looking moves, I think when most guys are pretending they're humping a couch it's usually an all out - almost rape like hump. I like to mix it up a bit sometimes with the old cross eyed look. I also throw in the "lick the thumb and index finger then simulate twisting my nipples" move. The more repulsive - the better.

Would you rather them start with a little foreplay on the pillow? Then slowly, but ever so tenderly, reach around and start caressing the arm doily in a light, circular motion while breathing a bit heavier onto the back of the couch? Now THAT would be odd looking.

The worst is getting caught. I never got caught pretending to hump the couch but before Ms. Z and I were married, I was giving her the double boob squeeze and saying, "Honk left and honk right honk left and honk right" in a goofy voice. She wasn't mad. She just shook her head and rolled her eyes. Then my mom walked in. That's when she got pissed.

I Need Myself A Cool Catch Phrase - TV Style

I think we can all agree that I've earned myself the right to a catch phrase. Everyone's talking about it. Here are a few I've come up with off the top of my head. Remember to say them aloud. If you don't, they're worthless.

- "Let's rub butts" (starts rubbing butt on person)

(pause) is TNT."

- What am I talking about Willis?" (accent on the word "I")

-(With eyes wide open in horror)
"You want to put what?? Where??!!"

- (looking into camera)
"I'll take it from here!" (grabs closest chair or door and starts humping)

- "Now I've seen everythin'!"

- (shrugging)
"Doctor's where's my stefascope" (wink, pause, then thumbs up, pause then head nod)

I think I'll pick one, have the phrase sweep the nation, then when they want to do a sitcom, they'll have to use me because I'll own all rights to the phrase. Once again, I've got all the bases covered.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Hey! Here's A Picture of My Dog

So here's a picture of my dog. Since there may be some stalkers that have access to local veterinarian records, I'm not going to give you his real name. Let's just call him Parcheesi. He's a Golden Lab. I wonder what he's thinking there? Probably something about bones. Parcheesi is faithful, obeys and listens to the rules. That's about it. I had this picture on my computer and thought I'd put it up.

Oh yeah, we also have an Italian American pig. I don't like him so I've refused to memorize his name.

What boring stories about your pets would you like to share?