Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Ugly Christmas Sweaters. How Do People Not Know? Walmart.

Do you know when you Google: "Ugly Christmas Sweater" or even "Christmas Sweater Walmart" you get pages and pages of people making fun of ugly Xmas sweaters?

So I ask you this: Why are there still people (mostly women over 40) wearing tacky ass Xmas sweaters? How don't they know? It's like people that have mullets. Don't they know that everyone thinks they look like a fool? I think there should be a website where you can submit a photo of yourself and what you wear and professionals can tell you if you look like an asshole.

And I would like to see video of people picking out these sweaters. Holding them up to themselves. Turning sideways. Looking in the mirror. "I think there should be seven reindeer. Six just looks weird." Do they walk to the counter to pay with pride? Excited to wear the sweater? Bragging to the cashier, "It was only $12,99."

And on the subject of Xmas and having no taste I'll give you a tip for decorating: Less is more. And inflatables? Don't put them on your lawn like this dude in my neighborhood that has ten of them. Snoopy, Santa, turning carousel... Knock it off!

Monday, December 17, 2012

A Lame Album I Had. Themes From Hit TV Shows. Rolling Stones 12 X 5.

Who the hell would buy THIS album?? Themes from Hit TV Shows.

*Zibbs slowly raises his hand*

I'm not kidding. Well to tell you the truth it could have been my sister that bought it. And if it wasn't lame enough the songs weren't even sung by the original artists!!!

I wish I could see all the old albums and 45's that we used to have when I was sixth grade and younger. We would play them over and over in my basement on this crappy green record player that my dad won in a sales contest. A few records were bought by my sisters like The Partridge Family but most were picked up by my mom at garage sales. She would just buy random records. Here are a few 45's I remember:

Walk Right In (then they say "sit right down" - not sure who sung it)
Poppa Got A Brand New Bag - James Brown
Judy in Disguise 
The Night Chicago Died
Seasons in the Sun
Bad, Bad Leroy Brown

Damn. I know there's more. I'll leave them in the comments section when they hit me.

And other than the usual square Dad records he did have a few rock albums but he never them played. He had a Paul Revere and the Raiders album and Rolling Stones album. 12 X 5 and Out of Our Heads.

OK now it's going to kill me that I can't remember more of those 45's because whenever I hear them on the radio it all comes back to me.  

Thursday, December 13, 2012

DANCE PARTY!!! Here Are Some of My Special Dance Moves. Retarded People.

If you read my blog you know that I talk about dancing a lot. I love to dance. I will now share with you the place where I've developed some of my trademark moves. And by "trademark" I mean that I stole them from some of these dancers and "trademarked" them.


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Salute To Andre The Giant. Six Million Dollar Man.

Andre the Giant. He was 7'4" and 520 pounds!!!! God DYAAAAAAAMNN!!

Here are some pics. Please share your memories and ask your questions in the comments area. And no..I don't have the answer to that one question. But it was probably huge! And I'm sure there's a quote about him somewhere that says, "Oh he was big alright. And the biggest thing about him (pause) was his heart."

Andre' and Ali. Nice.

Andre' with some babes. He looks kinda handsome here don't you think? 30 seconds after this picture was taken "the rapin' began."

In hospital bed. He could so kill her.

As Bigfoot on the Six Million Dollar Man. How did I not know he played Bigfoot until now???

Andre' with his lunch.

And here's his Wiki page.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Drug Dealer Scene In Boogie Nights. Duh! Alfred Molina.

Does anyone else love the movie Boogie Nights? It's so great. I remember seeing it in the theater and being blown away. And I've seen it now at least 15 times.

Do you know the drug dealer scene? It's so great right? Well I could never figure out who the drug dealer was. And I would never look it up when I was watching it. But I heard Jessie's Girl on the radio the other day and I stopped and looked it up. I KNEW IT! It's the dude that was in Spiderman 2! And a million other movies! Alfred Molina. Here's his IMDB page. I guess I was thrown off because he's so thin in Boogie Nights.

Case closed. And everything about this scene I love. Where do I even start. You just get sucked into it and you know something is going to happen. I've been in similar situations back in the day where I've been somewhere...sitting on the couch...knowing something weird is happening. Phew.

To see the scene click here.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Mustache Rides Are STILL 5 Cents?? 70's Patches. Cherry Popping Gift.

Is anyone old enough to remember the "Mustache Rides 5 Cents" patch? And there were signs and T-shirts too.

If you don't know what mustache rides are then ask your momma because I am NOT getting into it here. But 5 cents? That's reasonable. It's almost as if the person with the mustache is offering to give them awa..... WAIT A MINUTE!

And when I was doing my research for this post I came across this gem:

What the hell? I've never seen this one before. It makes sense though. "Hey Karen thanks for letting me fuck you. Here. I got you this patch. I was going to give it to you sooner but I was too busy telling all my friends that I fucked you. OK. Later."

And look at these douchey patches. I like that one that says Truck Drivers Carry Bigger Loads."

Truck Driver (to woman at bar): Hi.

Woman: Hi.

Truck Driver: Do you know I have tons of jizz?

Woman: Excuse me??

Truck Driver: (pulls back leather vest to expose patch) It says it right here bitch! (Grabs her by the arm) ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?!

...and that's how their relationship began.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Does Anyone Really Care? Bazooka Joe Comic Ending.

It was just announced that Bazooka Joe comics will no longer be in Bazooka Gum. They said only 7% of kids age 6-12 knew who he was and of the 7% less than half liked the character. Damn!

Well good riddance. I hated those cheesy cartoons. One article said that even when it debuted in the 50's it looked outdated and seemed like it was from the 40's. And please work on the rock hardness of your gum.

And while you're at it, please get rid of this dick:

Friday, November 30, 2012

Remember These? Sony Walkman. Motorola Bag Phone. Palm Pilot Vx.

What the hell is that product you ask? The Sony Walkman. Yup. I had one back in the day. Pretty life changing if you ask me. And look at those crappy headphones. And carry cassette tapes around? Yeah that was fun.

Oh how far we've come in 2012.

And here's another product I had around 1992. The Motorola Bag phone. Since I was an important, young executive back in those days and had a one hour commute I bought this in case of emergencies. This is how most people started calls back then, "It's me! I'm calling from THE CAR! ....No really. I'm in my car! Making a call! To you!"

Oh and the Palm Pilot Vx. I actually loved this product. I was one of the first to get it at work. Totally space age. Except using the stylus was a pain in the ass. But look at that sleek design. I kind of wish I saved a lot of my old devices but what am I going to do? Take them out of a box every five years and look at them?

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

On The Subject Of Celebrities With Large Nostrils. Hairy Pitted Sophia Loren.

Phew. Showing a picture of myself in my last post took a lot out of me. Now back to the usual stuff. In this post I will now tell you about the facial feature that I'm obsessed with in a way. Large nostrils.

Not obsessed in a good way though. They always bothered me. Like if I would see someone that looked cute I might think, "Yeah she's cute but she's got large nostrils." Or "Barrels" as this dude in high school used to call them.

Here are some examples of some prominent nostrils. I like to call them "Strulls" once and a while...

OK. Rachael Welch. Super hot but huge, cavernous strulls. But man look at how she fills out that bikini.

Here's one for the ladies. Ryan Gosling. Not huge strulls but they always seem to be flared. But a really good actor in my opinion.

Dionne Warwick. Let me just put it this way: if she breaths in you better hold onto the closest thing available because you will get sucked in. After you hold onto that street sign...body waving in the wind...being sucked into the Warwick vortex.

And finally...Sophia Loren. Not a great shot of the strulls but I can't take my eyes off of those pits. Good God woman!

Anyone else I'm missing?

Monday, November 19, 2012

First Picture of Me On My Blog. Dr Zibbs.

I give you....Me.Dr Zibbs.

This the first picture I've ever posted of myself on my blog. So you better like it.

Everyone always assumed I never showed myself because I wanted to be mysterious but actually it's because I don't want people I work with, worked with or may work with to see my blog because then I'd feel weird about writing certain things. Those precious gems.

So there you go. Please feel free to  leave your nice reactions in the comments area. Hold off on mean comments though because I'm sensitive.

(And if you're going to use the picture for "special purposes" you better save it because I'll probably delete this post in a few day."

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Hot Wings Potentially Switched On Me At Landmark Americana. West Chester Man Sweats Heat.

Yeah so I order the hot wings at Landmark Americana in West Chester, PA the other day. And I usually get the hot. I think the next level up is called something like "We dare you." And I think that the guy in the kitchen maybe dared the other guy in the kitchen to give me a double dose of the "we dare you."

Because I take my first bite and...JESUS CHRIST!!

They were so hot! And I like hot stuff but almost unbearable. Like each bite was torture (but delicious).

And I didn't want to look like a puss so I didn't send them back but with each bite I could feel my face turning red. Then I started sweating so much from my forehead and my eyes that a few people started looking at me. Or maybe I'm just paranoid but I think they were. And I pictured the kitchen people looking through the one way mirror at me saying, "Five dollars he doesn't take another bite....NO! HE'S DOING IT!!!! ...YOU OWE ME FIVE DOLLARS! Look at the baby cry. Take another bite baby. You want your bottle?"

And what percentage of dudes do you think order the ultimate hot stuff because they're just trying to look like a big shot? I'm talking the ultimate ridiculously hot stuff. I say 80 percent. 

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Best Magazine Cover Ever! Casos Reales. Clown Busts In On Cheating Wife.

"Maria?.... Maria? Where are you me sweet little enchilada? It's your man Juggles? I'm home early from the.....HUH??????"

(I wonder what happened next?)

Monday, November 12, 2012

Some Movie Notes. Pissed Off Brother. Ezra Miller. Labia M.

Did anyone sign up for MoviePass? I did. $29.00 a month and you can see unlimited movies at the theater. And I bring my daughter to the movies twice a month so I was spending $39.80 a month anyway so now I got this working for me.

Here are a few notes:

Cloud Atlas - (Tom Hanks movie) Total piece of crap! I hated it.

Sinister (Horror movie with Ethan Hawke) I liked it. Total creepfest. Kind of a horror/thriller really.

Argo - Loved it. And they captured the 70's perfectly. Although don't read what was not true in real life until AFTER you see it.

Flight - Boooooorring. It's really a story about alcoholism. And the crash scene isn't even that good. And you can totally tell they used a smaller plane for the special effects. (NUDITY NOTE: They show full frontal of a hottie including her patch AND lips*. Which I can't remember seeing in an R movie. They showed full frontal in The Master but total hair pie city.)

The Perks of Being A Wallflower - I LOVED this movie! It's the story of a bunch of outcasts in high school in 1991. I love high school movies when they portray high school kids realistically. I think Ezra Miller is going to be a stah! And the delicious Emma Watson can be seen dressed and dancing in the Rocky Horror Susan Sarandon role. Oh yes.

Resident Evil - I didn't really pay for this one I just kind of accidentally walked in. And there were only three people in the theater. It's a science fiction movie based on a video game. And throughout the movie they would do things like, "Securing sector five" then the screen would look like a video game. About 20 minutes in this black dude got up, walked up to the front, looked at the screen and said (to the screen), "Video game BULLSHIT!!" Then walked out.

Skyfall (Bond Movie) - Pretty good but Daniel Craig is more of an action hero and less of a Bond. I'm a Sean Connery man. Clever remarks and he picks up more babes. On an added note I did have to tell some dude to shut off his phone because he was texting. He was thinking of saying something back to me but then couldn't think of anything to say. If he had taken it out again I was going to snatch it out of his hand and say, "You'll get THIS back when the movie is over." Well that was the plan.

*Labia Majora

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Paula Broadwell is Hot! Pictures of Her. Petraeus. Nice Arms. Flowing Hair.

After seeing some of the women that powerful men have gotten busted with (Arnold, Clinton.....uh...Robin Williams) I've got one thing to say about CIA Director Petraeus's girl.....OHHHHHH BEEEEEEHAAAVVEEEEE!*

This story will be fascinating as it unfolds because something fishy is going on. I smell a cover up.

And there was also a text from her mentioning sex under the desk. Oh baby. Do tell Ms Broadwell. But talk slowly and in a breathy voice. Petraeus doesn't look like the flirty type though does he? I wonder how it unfolded?

Thoughts? And here's another picture of her in her finest business lady apparel.

*Hubba Hubba

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I Miss Ruining People's Calendars. Damn You Technology! Sphincter Tickling.

Have you all noticed how people use less wall calendars these days. Probably because of technology. And I miss it! Because I used to love going to a friend's house or into a coworker's office, page ahead a few months and write in random appointments, "things to do" or holidays on various days. The key is to try and match the person's hand writing closely so they don't notice it right away. I would write things like:

- Fart on an old person.

- Stock up on creamed corn. DON'T FORGET COUPONS!

- Fourth of July True Observance (written on a day in November).

- Cure Cancer.

- Finish The Love Boat Musical.

- Narrow list of calendar choices down to at least 75. DON'T WAIT TILL OCTOBER THIS YEAR!!!

- (Written on a Saturday in coworker's calendar) Rent U-haul to FINALLY bring home the motherload of paper clips I've been hiding. Bring chloroform for guards.

- Tickle sphincter with the feather of a peacock (ask Uncle Hank to capture event with charcoal sketch).

I also do this when I see a person's grocery list. Give it a try. Tell me how it goes.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Remember These Terrible Sitcoms? Hello Larry. 70''s And 80's.

Here are some sitcoms that I wouldn't even spend 5 seconds to stop and make fun if I passed them on the dial. Although a few will never see the light of day so I'm safe.

Fish - Hated this show. Especially that slimy looking creep in the 33 Jersey. His mouth moved weirdly when he talked like he had marbles in there. But I did see Abe Vigoda coming out of my hotel once in LA.

Hello Larry - Different Strokes spin off. Great career move McLean Stevenson. Hmmmm stay on M.A.S.H or go on Hello Larry? Let me see.... Except Kim Richards there on the right? I used to have a crush on her. Did you know she's Paris Hilton's aunt?

Makin' It - They tried to ride the coat tails of Saturday Night Fever. And failed. And even used Travolta's sister in the cast. Nice try. But catchy gay ass theme song.

Jennifer Lived Here - Boy lives with a hot and sassy ghost. Dumb. But I had some drinks with that kid (as an adult) in a hotel bar a few years ago. He was thrilled to be recognized.

What A Country - Any show that has a 6:30 Saturday time slot is a failure in my book. Hated this show!

Gimme a Break - No YOU give me a break. Never could take more than a few minutes of this nonsense before angrily turning the channel. Why are there so man fat black ladies with attitude on sitcoms?

They're just a few random ones. There are so many more.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Monday, November 5, 2012

Monster Baby Potenially Created? Can You Imagine?

Man (to nurse): Hello nurse my wife is here to have her baby.

Nurse (doesn't look up from desk): OK name please?

Man: My name? Clint Howard....

Nurse: And your wife's name?

Man: That would be Janis Joplin? J.O.P.L.I.N....

Nurse: OK. Joplin...now I'll just need your medical card and.....(nurse looks up at the couple)...Huh?????

*nurse gets up and runs down the hall ala' Cowardly Lion and dives out the window*


Friday, November 2, 2012

A Salute to Sheena Parveen. NBC 10 Weather Girl.

I'd like to give a salute to Philly weather girl Sheena Parveen from NBC 10.

Look at her standing there with all of those arrows. Undulating. Pulsating. That's not easy you know.

Look at all of those numbers too. You can tell she's good!

Weather systems just bursting to escape. Wanting to explode really.

Keep up the great work. Lets do lunch!

And on a side note local stations can stop bragging that their weather people are meteorologists. As long as the person can explain the weather clearly (and look good) we don't care if somebody behind the scene is doing all of the work. That is all.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I Found The Halloween Costumes of My Youth! Collegeville Costumes.

This is the costume I wore in Kindergarten. Note how it says, "With ventilated mask." Did the early mask have no breathing holes?

And in 1st grade I went as the devil. I remember being embarrassed because the smock portion of the costume showed the devil holding a pitchfork and I remember saying to my mom, "But if the devil has hands and I have hands it means that the devil has four hands! That doesn't make sense!" So I remember holding my candy bag over my chest when I went to doors so people wouldn't see the extra hands.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Lucy The Elephant Survives Hurricane Sandy. I'm In The Butt of And Elephant!

How did you guys survive Sandy? OK over here in Chester County, PA. Actually only a few limbs around and some creek flooding as far as I saw in my parts. But the Jersey shore got hammered. I just however saw something on the news saying that Lucy the Elephant survived. There's the picture above.

In case you don't know Lucy is a historic building shaped like an elephant and it resides in Margate, NJ. I just had to laugh when they mentioned Lucy because I just think of the time when I was on vacation at the shore and I took my son there. He was about three at the time. Well you go inside of Lucy and you sit crossed legged on the floor as this ancient tour guide gives a half hour presentation about the history of Lucy. And trust me when I tell you it was without doubt the most boring tour that I've ever been on.

In a monotone voice he was saying things like, "....and then when renovations began in 1922 several members of the preservation board such as Martin T McLeary, Samuel Meller and Morris Jones pushed to have an extra $1200 allocated to refurbish the legs that some thought were weakened in a storm the previous year. Council President Harry L. Morrison - also the owner of Morrison and Flint Feed Store - was in agreement but thought $900 would suffice. So the renovation was stalled for a period of 4 months...."

And it went on and on. I looked around and everyone was just looking around the room, rubbing their hands on the floor, looking up at the roof, at their watches. Ten minutes later when you thought it was done he says, "And they finally agreed on  $1000 for the renovation. But that wasn't the end of it. In 1927...."

Just then my son let out the biggest sigh of boredom that echoed in the tiny wooden room, "hhhh ahhhhhhhh!!!"

Everyone turned around and looked at him and started laughing. They were all fighting off the same sigh. Seriously, if you're going to have a tour about something like Lucy the Elephant at least mention his sphincter window:.....

"Look at meeeeeeee! I'm in the butt of a giant elephant!"

"Timmy sit down! They're about to discuss the bidding process that was involved when they redid the steps in 1976!"

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Can't Believe I Haven't Run Into My Skanky Old Hair Dresser.

It's been two years. And I still haven't run into the lady that used to cut my hair. I'm not sure why I waited so long to dump her ass. Not only did she tell the most boring stories about herself but she was super skanky. I'm talking manly face, dry hair, large moles....But she thought she was hot. She would always tell me how guys liked her. I'd be all, "Really?" While trying not to have a throw up face on.

I think a lot of women that are thin and skanky think they're hot just because they're thin. Kind of like some women with blond hair think they're hot because of the blond hair. 

And I'm not kidding her stories were the most boring I've ever heard. She would give details that didn't even matter for the story. I swear this is a real "story." See how much of it you can take....

"So I was going to go to the 76ers game but wasn't sure if Dave my husband could go or not. He usually does go but he was thinking about working late so I was like, 'Maybe I'll just ask my friend Diane.' So I called up Diane. She's really nice. She used to work with me when I was at my last job. She was like, 'I'm not sure but I think I can.' So she calls back and says she can and I was like, 'Great.' And it worked out perfectly because my son was going to stay late for basketball practice so my husband could just pick him up. So I'm getting ready and I'm really in the mood for a turkey wrap. So I'm thinking why don't we just get some wraps on the way down and that way we don't have to stop because I like to get there a little early. So I pick up Diane and I was running a bit late because I had to stop at Wawa. And there was traffic. So I get Diane and we're on the way down and my son called and his basketball practice was cancelled. Which is fine but sometimes it's hard to get a hold of my husband because he gets the worst cell phone reception."

And it goes on. And on. And on.

And there's no interesting point. It would just be the details of her plans to go to the basketball game and then driving there. And I was just sit and nod. Sometimes to amuse myself I would say things in my head silently that I wanted to say out loud like, "Guess what? I don't give a shit!" or "Wait. Tell me the part about maybe getting turkey wraps. That's so interesting! I have a friend that likes turkey wraps!

So finally I dumped her and never looked back. Now I have a super cute chick cutting my locks. AND she's really interesting.

I still don't get how people that are really boring can be blabbermouths too Don't they see the expression on the faces of everyone they talk to? So I'm saying this: If you're boring keep your pie hole shut and listen to us interesting types. Take notes.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Bridesmaid Dresses, Dumb Books and More! Batman Water Pistol.

Some various pictures for your viewing pleasure:

*talking like a ghost* "Puuuut something innnnnn meeeeeeee."

Photographer: No! You on the left. Step back one step! Do you want these pictures to look stupid or nice?

*In Paul Lynde voice*  "I'm not sure if it's more fun to fill or squirt."

Blond dude: (after 10 minute diatribe) You see...being awesome comes down to one thing. And that one thing is accepting Jesus as your personal savior. *random football hits him in the face*

"I don't know how to tell you this so I'll just come out with it. You my dear...are going to be a STAHHHH!"