Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Sea Isle City Shark Attack Leaves Opening For Finance Director

West Chester, PA

The good news is that THAT BLUE YAK has an opening for Finance Director. Please see job requirements on http://www.monster.com/ and send resume to HR Director Samuel McGrath.

The bad news is that THAT BLUE YAK Finance Director was killed horribly this weekend in a brutal shark attack in Sea Isle City, New Jersey. The terrible mishap happened off of the 54th street beach. Thankfully, the company will receive a quick check from their insurance company for their destroyed wave runner as the horrible mishap was captured on video:

Monday, July 30, 2007

Simpson's Movie Makes $71.9 million - Angry Mob Makes Sure Comic Hacks "Don't Get Any Ideas"

The Simpsons movie has topped the weekend box office pulling in an impressive $71.9 million. The huge payday has sparked concern that other cartoon creators may now be considering the big screen as a vehicle. Just to make sure, angry mobs have been surrounding Cathy creator Cathy Guisewite's home for the last three hours.

Mob leader Mike Barlo explains,

"I was at the opening of the Simpsons Movie and it was great. As I'm sitting there though, I was thinking, 'great, now all the crappy cartoonists are going to try and cash in. I'm sure that Ms. Guisewite is a lovely lady, but the cartoon is horrible. The idea - even the remote chance that that garbage might appear on a theater near me made me pull this mob together."

Mr. Barlo and others have no intention of harming the NCS award winning artist but just want to give her a scare and make sure she, "doesn't get any ideas".

After confirming that he's still alive, the mob will be making it's next stop at the home of Bil Keane- creator of the Family Circus at 5:00. All interested citizens wishing to join the mob are encouraged to bring their own torches and pitchforks as they will be handed out on a first come first serve basis.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Barnes and Noble Janitor Arrested for Spoiling Deathly Hallows Ending for Readers

Allentown, PA

A Barnes and Noble cashier was arrested Saturday for "spoiling" the latest Harry Potter book ending for readers. Ted Denver, a cashier at the Allentown book chain was apparently taping post-it notes to the 3rd page of Deathly Hallows revealing the ending of the book.

Furious nerds heckled the 42 year old as he was taken out of the store in handcuffs. The hurled rocks and plastic promotional magic wands didn't stop Mr. Denver from defending himself,

"You're all freaks! Look at yourselves - you fatso. How old are you? 15? You're wearing a frickin' purple robe!"

According to fellow workers, Denver used to be a huge Star Wars fan until an uncle confronted him and humiliated him back to reality and made him realize that he was a complete nerd.

"It was really eye opening. I was 19 years old and I had never been on a date. Once I stopped obsessing about that Star Wars, I actually got a life. These Harry Potter freaks are even worse. I added the spoilers into the books because I really wanted to 'give something back' as they say."

Friday, July 20, 2007

Heterosexuals Unknowingly Travel To Their Annual Guy's Weekened - That Is About To Turn Gay

A group of heterosexual men packed their bags and flew to Reno yesterday for what they think will be another extended weekend of beer, cards and farting on each other. What they don't know is that the group's organizer, Shawn McClure- (father of two and living a lie) is about to make his move and "try some stuff".

The tradition of an extended weekend with the boys started about 10 years ago and was informally named "YAG" (Young Arrogant Guys). Good time has been had by all at these drink and laugh fests. Last year however, several of the guys started to think Shawn was getting "a bit weird".

Greg Green, one of the holdouts this year explains,

"We're always goofing around and making gay comments to each other but Shawn always took it a bit far. It's hard to explain, but it's like when you're at a urinal and there's some dude next to you and you KNOW something ain't right. It's a gut feeling."

The additional non attendees this year, Jimmy Steinberger, Mike Polaski , Ted Taylor and Len Carnes gathered a few months ago and exchanged stories. Let's just say that all the pieces fell into place. The following is a condensed list that was compiled from a free style brainstorming session entitled, "reasons Shawn McClure is probably gay":

  1. "He came up with the name YAG - spelled backwards is 'GAY' ."

  2. "I woke up one night and he was standing over my bed, applying chap stick and whispering, 'That's it, that's it'".

  3. "We went to a canyon to shoot pistols one year and he kept coming up behind me and putting his arms around my body trying to show me how to hold the gun - you know, the way you do with a chick if you're trying to teach her to golf."

  4. "Whenever there's a guy on TV that's a guy that chicks are into, he looks at you and says something like, 'Zac Efron is such a pretty boy, don't you think....Mike, Mike, hey Mike....Mike don't you think that Zac Efron is one of those pretty boys?' Almost like he's throwing feelers out there."

  5. "One time, Rick was walking by with a towel on and Dan grabbed him and joking around was like, 'C'mon Rick you know you want it'. We were all cracking up but when I looked over at McClure, he was eating this rib and just staring...slowly eating his last rib. I'm no lip reader but he was slowly saying, 'KNOW....YOU....WANT....IT'. Then slowly went back to eating the rib. It was like the frickin' gay Hannibal Lechter or something."

  6. "One time he was reading Sports Illustrated - but it was UPSIDE DOWN! When he went to the bathroom I walked over and behind the Sports Illustrated was the American Girl Magazine. And this is where it gets weird. I think he actually brought it there. The subscription address was scribbled out, but I'm 99% sure that it was his work address"!

  7. "He was putting sun tan lotion on Mike's back one one time - which sorry Mike, you may be gay too - and it was like a God damn ritual. First, he stood behind Mike and put the lotion on his hands but kind of rubbing his wrist together a bit -almost like he was about to savor something that he's been waiting a LONG TIME FOR. He then starts putting the lotion on and the look on his face is kind of like the look Rick gets when he's eating something really good. It's like he's holding back saying, this feels SOOOOO good'. Then about 30 seconds into the rubbing he leans over a little closer to Mike and says, 'Wow, you sure are tense'. And to put icing on the cake, he has his sunglasses dangling out of his mouth the whole time."
  8. One time we found a pair of underwear in Rick's kitchen drawer that Rick uses as a pot holder - which is a whole different story in itself, but the next day - that underwear was missing. I was like, 'Hey, what happened to that underwear?" Just then, Ted walks in and says, 'Who the hell was putting things in their car at 4:30 in the morning?". I look over at Shawn and he looked guilty as hell. He did the ole eye shift to the right - then to the left - then said, 'Hey what's that over there?' as if he was looking at something in the other room. He then quickly got up and left the room. It was pretty freaky. I think he knew I was on to him."

The YAG weekend continues until Monday. We wish you all well.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Washington University Study is Last Straw for Chimps - US Raises Chimp Attack Threat Level to Plaid

The University of Washington has revealed that walking on two legs is easier than walking on four - according to the National Academy of Sciences. (see story by clicking on the following word: banana ).

According to researchers, walking on two feet uses 3/4 less energy.

Spokeschimp Bobo McGee doesn't give a crap about the study and relayed the following statement via sign language through his human interpreter.

"This is bullshit! Look at Mr. Giggles on that God damned machine - he looks like a clown! We are tired of being dressed up in human clothes - and tired of doing experiments and overall, tired of being made to look like fools. Why the hell are you humans always pulling this crap?"
After being given half an orange, Mr McGee went on to say,
"Oh you'll pay...You'll pay!"
The Department of Chimpanzee Security is now saying that the study has enraged chimps and the alert level has been elevated to plaid since the release of the study.

US officials have been monitoring the growing chimp rage in recent years and believe that the Washington University study is the tipping point. Top officials think a Summer attack WILL happen. That Blue Yak has obtained and exclusive statement from Bill Darlak, an ex undercover chimp operative. Mr Darlak thinks the threats should be taken very seriously,

"I am VERY, VERY concerned for the country this Summer. I was undercover for two years at several chimp training facilities and after you get over the humor of these funny little rascals and their human like behavior, you see the rage these apes have. It is quite frightening. I really wanted to stay with them longer but was alerted by animal experts that my chimp costume was really a gorilla costume. My superiors insisted that I abort my mission"

Officials are asking the public to be on the lookout for the following chimps:

Monday, July 16, 2007

Retarded Wawa Worker Amazingly Knows The Words To The Devo Hit Whip It

A retarded girl working at local convenience store correctly sings Whip It without mangling the lyrics. That Blue Yak Field Anthropologist Jeff Petroski reports:

It was amazing. I was in Wawa, and the girl who replaces straws, keeps cup holders full and cheerfully greets morning workers with a cheerful, "Good Mooornins", knew all the words to Devo's Whip It. It's very amazing indeed when you consider the lines:

"Now whip it. Into shape. Shape it up. Get straight. Go forward. Move ahead. Try to detect it. It's not too late. To whip it. Whip it good"

These are EXTREMELY complicated lyrics especially for the retarded. I've discussed the situation with several associates and we all agree that the song must have been sung at a retarded event or festival. Very patient care takers and trainers probably took months rehearsing the lyrics OVER and OVER and OVER again until the song was second nature. Did any of the trainers quit out of frustration? Did any handlers get mauled during the hours of rehearsal? I don't know as these training facilities are often miles away from humans AND I have a phobia of the retardeds.

I do know this though - it was a very "special" moment. Now please put your sanitized gloves back on before I call the Board of Health.

God Bless.

Friday, July 6, 2007

License to Wed - the Movie - Top 10 Things that will Probably Happen

It's July 6 and another unfunny movie is now in theaters. It's name, License to Wed. Without actually seeing the film, That Blue Yak's movie man Franklin Yearsley will list his top "supposed to be funny" lines that will probably happen in the movie.

1) Robin William (in Southern accent):
"Y'all in love but this just ain't gonna fly (turns head as if speaking to wife) MAW..GET MY SHOTGUN" (then, big smile and talking in regular accent) I am a kidder.

2) Robin Williams (in feminine, gay accent)
"Honey you want to say 'I Do" but those shoes with that dress is saying 'I don't'. "

3) Fat side kick kid (while rolling eyes):
"The Lord sure does travel in mysterious ways."

4) Jim from the Office (almost cursing but then sees Robin Williams):
"HOLY shhhhh........shammy...holy shimmy..has anyone seen my holy shimmy? I...was about to wash my car."

5) Fat side kick kid:
"I told them (shrugs shoulders) but they never listen"

6) Jim from the Office:
"Is it too late to convert to Judaism?"

7) Jim from the Office
"In the name of the father, son....CHECK PLEASE!"

8) Robin Williams (in John Wayne accents)
"You're gonna meet me at confessional at sun down partner and don't forget to bring you sins."

9) Jim from the Office (in confessional confessing sins for first time but unknowingly talking to fat side kick kid instead of Robin Williams")
"Well, I guess there was that time that I snuck into the Cubs game. Wait, does that count as a sin?

10) Fat side kick kid (hiding in confessional)
"For an angel, I sure do feel like a little devil."

That is all.