Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The time I Bought Lunch In First Grade. Wayne PA.

As you know from this post, I was a lunch bringer. Not a buyer. Until that fateful day in first grade that my Mom let me buy. I remember looking at the lunch schedule and narrowing it down to either pizza day or hot dog day. I forget which it was because the trauma of what happens next erased the memory.

I walked up the line with my tray. Making sure it was completely straight. I had studied the ways of the buyers for a few weeks since I was nervous doing something different.

I was really shy you may recall.

I made sure my exact change was on the tray as I approached so I wouldn't look like a bumbling amateur when it was my turn to pay. "Here you go my hair netted, mustacheoed lady. Thank you kindly for the preparation of this meal. Here is your exact currency."

I paid and proudly - but slowly and carefully - walked to my seat. Like a peacock. Everyone was probably watching. "Yeah. I'm a big boy. I bought."

There were no seats next to any fellow buyers so I had to settle next to some lowly lunch bringers. "Hmmm. What did your mom pack? Nice bag. Let me just settle in and eat my professional meal here. OK. There we go...Mmm. *looks around and nods* This is pretty good." *looks to the other side* "I like how the trays have different sections. Did you notice that? I wonder if other schools have trays like this?"

After finishing my historic meal I proudly made my way to the playground. Like a big shot. But there was one probelem. In my excitement I forgot that it was my turn to do the final wipe down of my lunch table after everyone left. It was kind of a big deal. One kid was picked every day from their class and was supposed to ask a helper. Something about teaching us about responsibility.

So I'm out at recess and I see a teacher saying, "Jimmy Zibbs...Jimmy Zibbs!"

I looked around thinking, "Is there ANOTHER Jimmy Zibbs?"

"Jimmy Zibbs! Come here! You forgot to clean yoru class table."

*Intermitten zoom in to my face as music from Phycho plays. My eyes like deer in the headlights*

I let out a confused, "Me???"

I walked back inside. In my excitement over buying I forgot to clean the table. And I was super shy and never got in trouble so I was really nervous walking back in. Just the idea of being yelled at had me practically shaking.

I walked in and the janitors had already folded most of the tables up. Tables fold?? Then I was given a damp rag and I wiped up the table. In shame. As the teacher watched me.

The End.

Note: That is not my class picture.

Heimlech Brochure Found By Important Chester County Man.

Look at the art on this Heimlech brochure I found the other day. The instructions should read:

1) Sneak up on a random person that may be choking.

2) Grab him around the waist with a death grip.

3) Whisper in his ear, "Prepare to die!"

4) With the force of a gorilla, squeeze him until he faints.

5) Flee the scene.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Octavia Spoctavia. Is She Hot? Are YOU Hot?

Someone said yesterday "Octavia Spencer is so beautiful!"

Has it always been like this or are there more and more people saying that everyone is beautiful? And maybe she's really nice and she's beautiful on the inside but come on.

And it has nothing to do with her being overweight or black either. If you were at a party and she walked in would you say,"Oh my God. Look at that beautiful woman!" I know I wouldn't.

And I think it goes the other way too. There will be a beautiful woman on TV and someone (usually a woman) will say, "She's not THAT good looking.

It's kind of like the trend of telling all kids that they're great at everything. Or the bumper sticker that says, "At Jefferson High School we honor ALL of our students." Instead of honoring the honor students that worked their asses off. Or who are Asian. What?? What??

I think it has a lot to do with people who don't feel good about themselves trying to say the less attractive people are better looking so THEY feel better. Do you think?

And on a related note I usually look at someone and then depending on their personality my opinion changes. If there's a super hot woman and she never smiles her number goes down. If there's a woman who is average but she's all bubbly or sexy and friendly? The number goes up. (And into my book where I assign a number to all woman I encounter. Later adding the info to index cards and hanging the color coded cards in my shed*).

What are your thought?

*I'm making this part up.

Monday, February 27, 2012

West Chester Chicken Gives Birth To Orange.

Doctor: Come on Mrs Baulker* you can do it. Just one more push.

Mrs Baulker: I CAN'T!! JUST GET IT OUT OF ME!!!

Doctor: Just a few more pushes. You're crowning. I can see the head...

Mrs Baulker: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

*orange shoots out and is swaddled in a cloth dinner napkin*...


Naaaa. That disgusting scene wasn't a chicken giving birth to an orange. Chickens lay eggs. Not oranges.

That picture is actually an orange that I shove into the inards of a chicken sometime when I cook it. I slice one up and shove it in there. And squeeze some on top. But pretty disgusting image huh?

*rubs carving utensils together*

OK. What can I get you? A leg? Some white meat maybe...?

*Get it? "Baulker?" Like chickens go, "Baulk Baulk Baulk!!!!"

Sunday, February 26, 2012

WHAT THE??? Fun In The Tub. Dudes And A Black Kid..


I was looking through images in the Google under "Racist Toys" and came across this picture.

It's a comic book series in Mexico called Memin Pinguin. The info on it is here.

Looks pretty racist but at least it looks pro gay. Don't you think?

*Talking like Bob Hope* I gotta tell ya boy that is some wild stuff. *growls*

Saturday, February 25, 2012

David Bowie Heroes. Concert for NYC. Love This. Live.

This is such a great version of David Bowie doing Heroes. It's hypnotic. I've got it on my ipod and just decided to see if there was a video. And there was!

It's from the Concert for New York City. Crank it up!

Do you like it?

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Shasta ? More Like Nasta. 70's Pee Soda. West Whiteland.

I bet the parents of my neighbor's Hicknut and Dukey had this conversation with them:

"Kids. We have an announcement. Your mother and I have been thinking of a way we can show that we don't love you. Instead of the obvious abuse or neglect we've decided to get more creative and simply declare this house a SHASTA* HOUSE! That's right. Only Shasta soda for you and your friends."

Man that stuff was God awful. So when I went to their house to play Intellivision or go on their CB radio I was forced to drink Shasta. And it was always warm too. They just sat it in cases next to the fridge. And someone would just rip a hole in the plastic so you had to reach in to get your crappy soda.

We would pour it into these orange plastic cups and plop a few freezer burned ice cubes in.

Oh yeah that helped.

And check out this Shasta commercial. Their selling point is that it doesn't have tons of bubbles like other sodas. Wha wha whaaaaat?? They're bragging that it's stale?

*FUN FACT: Shasta has been around since 1889. The same year as the Statue of Liberty.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Hot Dog Cooker We Had In The 70's and MORE! Dad Being An A-hole.

I remember when I was a kid we got this hot dog cooker like the one above. It had a domed lid but this is the only picture I could find. You held the hot dogs in by putting them in these prongs. I'm not sure if we got it with those green stamps or from a sales contest my Dad won but I remember that when my Dad took it out of the box it was a big deal. Probably because it was so space age looking.

Of course my Dad probably said, "Now this thing isn't it toy!"

"Oh it's not Dad? Oh OK. I was going to take it up the street and see if anyone wanted to have a catch with it." I think it lasted a few months till someone said, "Why don't we just BOIL hotdogs?"

In my search for hotdog makers I did come across a few others. Like the one below. A bit fruity if you ask me but...

Then you got the hot dog toaster. Oooh broooother! So stupid. "We've got to feed 12 people hot dogs? No problem. Let me just get started here by popping two of these bad boys in. There we go. You don't want your roll toasted? Oh I'm sorry it toasts rolls so that's how you'll have to have it. You'll be fine."

But for some reason I really hate this one below. I can picture the guy getting it and trying to act all cool while taking it out of the box to show his family. Like a big shot. "Now THIS is a hot dog maker. Talk about 'take me out to the ballgame.' Am I right? Hmmm? Hmmm?" (as he nudges little Timmy.)

Then he tries to organize hot dog night in the den but his family doesn't give a shit. "Dad I'm going to the movies with Karen I won't be at hot dog night"

"GOD DAMN IT! Yes you WILL be at hot dog night!...MARY ANN I'LL HANDLE THIS! Just bring the condiments into the den and everyone pull up their chairs while I put my apron on. Jesus Christ!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Discovery I Found In Sixth Grade. Has To Do With Boobies.

When I was in sixth grade I was a my friend's house and I went to open a closet and I found this weird contraption.

"What the??"

I pulled it off of the shelf and looked at it then called my friend. "What IS this thing?"

He grabbed it and examined it. "I don't know I think....I don't know."

We looked at it kind of like how people who stumble across a flying saucer look. There's SOMETHING familiar about it but...

Well we realized what it was after we found the box. It was no other than the famous Foot Operated Breast Enlarger Pump. First sold in the 70's. I looked at him and in a shameful way he just said, "I guess it's my mom's."

Here it is:

According to this webite there are also creams that are to be used but we didn't find any of those. Creams. "Lower shades and lock doors then while arching your back apply cream to breasts and rub in a circular fashion. Prepare for sudden growth."

Moral of the story? Don't snoop around closets at your friend's parents house.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The Semonski Sisters. Lawrence Welk. Jeepers Creepers.

Haven't posted a Lawrence Welk video in a while. This is the old Semonski sister. And I'm not posting this as a joke. I like this. It's an old Johnny Mercer song.

My favorite sister is the one in the the middle on the top row. Reminds me of a friend.

So do you guys like it or what?

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Elvis Impersonators That I've Met In My Travels. Brickette Lounge.

See that poster quality picture of Elvis there*? I took it. Seriously. No really. What? It's blurry? And looks more like Neil Diamond? Get out of here!

I love meeting Elvis impersonators. It's kind of rare but it does happen. (To see two that I met in Vegas see THIS post). But when you do encounter one you have to act as if you're very impressed. And take a picture. It's kind of like running into a bigfoot. It's rare but when you encounter one you have to approach it and ask, "Satch, why are you so elusive?" And... "You seem sad?" Are you?" "Is the Yeti an asshole?"

I do have a few more Elvis pics on my computer but I can't find them. Need to put them all in one central file one of these days.

When it comes to my Elvis sightings my only regret is that I wish I was in the pictures that I've taken of the King. But maybe I would make a face just as the picture was snapped like I was crying. Or just look over at him like I'm all pissed. Now THAT would be an Elvis impersonator picture collection suitable for framing. If I ever get a bunch of those I'm totally going to position them in the center of a shrine within my home.

*picture taken at the Brickette Lounge, West Chester, PA

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Butcher Burgers Gogonzola Was Deeeelish! Buddy's Burgers and Five Guys Look Out.

I know I just posted about local burgers but I read the article by @JimBrez here about a burger at Butcher Burgers in Exton, PA and I had to try it. It was the Gorgonzola burger. Oh my God it was so good!

Unlike Buddy's Burgers and Five Guys it's a single patty. But it's thick. And instead of getting my usual toppings* I got the Gorgonzola burger which comes with roasted red peppers, portabello mushrooms and gorgonzola cheese. I think the cheese is what did it for me.

And of the other local places I like their fries the best. So if you're a lover of fries you may want to try it just for that.

And what the dilio with Gorgonzola? Everytime I get it I think, "Ooo I need to eat more Gorgonzola." Then I forget.

And here's a picture of the burger with the lid off:

*ketchup, mustard, pickle, onions, tomater, lettuce, American Cheese

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Modification Planned For Mongoloid Truck At Exton Goodwill. Marchwood.

Man oh man I've been cleaning the heck out of my house and bringing stuff to the Exton Goodwill. When you drop stuff off you then drive around the corner and you're greeted by the smiling, 15 foot face of the rascal pictured above*. She gives a friendly, "Thank you." Well you are welcome me lady! Glad I could be of assistance. *tips imaginary hat*

I think they should modify it so that as you pass, the lips move and in the deep voice of a giant it says, "DON'T FORGET YOUR RECEIPT." Then it winks or something. I don't know.

Or if I work there I'm going to modify it so as a car is driving away and there's a kid looking out the window the pupils will turn red and the mouth will move and whisper, "I'm watching youuuuuu" or "Stay in school." Something like that.

How much do you think something like that would cost?

*See? I actually HELP retarded people. Do you know that one of the items I dropped off was a "Welcome to Niagara Falls" tit mug (mug in the shape of a tit that has a hole in the nipple that you can drink out of). Retarded people NEVER get access to items like that. If some of you guys had a tit mug you were done with I bet you would say, "Hmmm. Should I throw this in the trash or donate it to a retarded person?" Then you would open your trash can and drop it in, "Meh, THOSE people don't need a tit mug." That question never even entered my mind!

Chester County Man Plans Valentine's Day Treat For Locals.

As a special Valentine's treat I will be wearing the above "Elephant Underwear" today. I will be riding in the back of a pickup truck. No schedule has been set so probably best to have a buddy so you can alternate standing outside all day so you don't miss me.

When you hear "It's Raining Men" in the distance you'll know I'm almost there so start screaming, "HE'S COMING!!!!"

When I approach I'll stand, give a few shakes and swirls of the trunk and toss bubble gum and hard candy to the crowds while giving a friendly wink and a wave.

Monday, February 13, 2012

I Love to Saute Onions. Chester County Man Eats Pork.

Oh baby do I love my pork. The problem is that a lot of the pork doesn't have enough fat in it. I always like to make sure mine does. I usually like chops with bones but here are some boneless chops I just made.

Delicious. I just season them with salt, pepper and chili powder and brown them in a pan with some olive oil. Then baked them at 350 till they're done.

Then when they're almost done I throw onions in the frying pan with some more spices and deglazed the pan with some white wine. Scraping off those tasty bit. Oh baby. I love that smell. I think sauteing is my favorite cooking task by the way too.

Then I throw the mixture on the pork and tadaaa! A side of baked beans or potatoes and some applesauce and you're ready to go. And a nice cold beer. Sip... Ahhhhh!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Bitch Don't Know How To Make Coffee. Flowers Almost Killed.

This chick probably had it coming to her. Being that her coffee was so terrible and all. Good thing she discovered where the best coffee comes from. The mountains.

And look at her expression at the end where she pours a cup of her new, non-crappy coffee and for a second thinks it still may not be up to the high standards of the King of the Castle.

Good thing for her he was satisfied with Folgers. Good thing.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Exton Five Guys Burger Photographed By Famous Blogger. Best.

...Annnnnnnndd DONE!

Oh boy was that a good burger! I got it from Five Guys at the Exton Mall ya'll. First hearty thing I've had since Saturday because I had a stomach thing on Sunday AND Monday. Thanks for not sending get well cards. Try not to be so self centered next time. What if I was dying or something?

But back to the burgers. I used to think Buddy's Burgers were my favorite (as mentioned in THIS post) but I think I may have to change my mind to Five Guys burgers.

I do like the sesame seeds and thick pickle they have on the Buddy Burger though. I JUST CAN'T DECIDE! Might have to do a taste test sometime. But get someone to help me because there's no way I can eat two burgers.

And I wonder who the neatest person is when it comes to eating messy burgers. Not me. When I ate that thing ingredients were falling out the back. Then I tried to turn it but it got all lopsided. It got all over my hands. Yeah. I eat like a kid I think.

What's your favorite burger? And look at the picture with the smashed in roll. What did they sit on it? Come on people!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

This Time That People Might Have Seen Me On The News And More! Dolls. Philly.

Yeah so I used to work at a major giftware company in Product Development. So years ago someone had the idea to get into the doll business. So they made me go to a small show off of City Line Avenue (near Philly) just to scope out any trends and look for potential vendors.

No big deal. Until I was there. I'm walking around - one of the only dudes there - and someone approaches me and...

Person: You work for ZYZ Company?

Me: Yes I do.

Person: Are you getting into the doll business?

Me: Well we're just investigating it at this point....

Person: I work for Doll World Magazine. Would you mind if we took your picture? (And there's a guy standing there with a huge camera)

Here's where I go into total panic mode. I was just an assistant at the time and I'm sure my company didn't want word that we might enter the doll world (can't even believe I'm typing this) AND there's no way in hell I wanted to have my picture in a doll magazine!

I pictured someone's Grandma seeing me in the magazine then, "Mary is this that nice boy Jimmy Zibbs? He's into dolls or something.." Then word spreads like wildfire.

So I told the lady, "Uh can you catch up with me maybe a bit later? I'm looking for someone."

So I'm kind of relieved but then I'm on the lookout for them. Avoiding them. And when I thought I was out of the water I see......... ACTION NEWS!

It must have been a slow news day and the local ABC station is filming the event. Didn't help that they're located right next to where the show was.

So then I'm really shitting my pants because I picture the reporter saying...

Reporter: ...and there's ALL kinds of people at this doll show. Old women, young women, little girls..and even....MEN???? Sir? Sir? Can we have a word with you??"

Then the cameras zoom in and you see me looking like a deer in headlights. Just as I'm about to faint a hand taps my shoulder, "Are you ready for the Doll World Magazine interview?"

That's when I got the hell out of Dodge!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Foster Brooks Roasting Rickles. Comedians. 1970's.

I was just looking for Don Rickles stuff on Youtube and came across this Dean Martin roast of Foster Brooks roasting Don Rickles. Oh my God I was tearing up laughing.

What do you think?

Friday, February 3, 2012

Mir Ham's Vom Sauerkraut. German Cooking Music.

Man if this song doesn't want to make you invade Poland NOTHING will!

OK I'm not kidding here. Sometimes when I cook I love to listen to music that reminds me of the food. Italian cooking? Sinatra and Dean Martin.

BBQ? I'll put on some Southern rock or Country.

German - like a pork roast or what not? I'll put on this album called Folksongs from Bavaria. I really like it. But the sad news? It somehow got deleted from my Ipod! Don't worry. It's still on my external hard drive.

And I'll tell you that my favorite song on it is Mir Ham's Von Sauerkraut. My son and I used to listen to it over and over and laugh because we would always say that the two different dude's doing solos probably hated each other. One was snobby and the other was kinda prissy and making a mockery of the song and having too much fun with it. And we would make up scenarios of their arguments.

I shit you not.

Enjoy. (And there's no official video. The song was taken from a random group of people that put it up from their trip to Germany. Oh. And I'm also part German. So I got that)

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Gucci Dylan Belt Buckle Product Development Surprise. Dr Zaius.

I've got some pretty exciting news for you guys today! I've obtained the exclusive rights from Gucci of the Product Development art briefing of a Bob Dylan belt buckle! It's like a piece of rock history! Well...belt buckle history but still.

And I'm going to share it with YOU! Here it is:

Mike, thanks again for the great work on the Toto belt buckle. I think it's going to be a big seller. I've got another project for you. I want you to design a Bob Dylan belt buckle. I'm sure you know what he looks like but as a refresher, he looks a bit like a baby tapir:

With a touch of Dr Zaius from the Planet of Apes:

And the hair? Make it a bit Mike Bradyish so it really stands out once it's comes out of the mold.

Oh. And put a random jail cell door in there for no reason whatsoever.

And here is the result: