Friday, July 31, 2009

Invention Idea For My Sexy, Sweaty Under Garments. Heat Wave.

This heat sucks.

And for some reason, my sexy black underwear seems to ride up my ass worse than the tighty whities.

And I've tried to wear boxers but they don't offer the "support"...if you know what I mean.

So what's a brother to do? I don't want to be picking my ass when I'm walking down the street so I have to do a series of half kicks and turns. It's very discreet. I'm sure nobody knows what I'm doing. They're probably like, "Hey, that dude just kicked something really small then he was going to go back to his car because he forgot something but then he probably remembered he didn't forget it".

So my invention is underwear with tiny strings attached to the crack area. The strings are then looped through your pockets and then attached to small metal buttons. When your underwear rides up your ass, you simply reach into your pocket and pull on the "coins" that will pull the fabric out of your ass.

I know. It's brilliant. Now I'll need someone to draw up a licensing contract and someone else to find me a local seamstress so I can get a prototype done.

And I need some name suggestions.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Hot Blogger Dedicates Nude Pic to Me...Another Hot Blogger.

It's so very touching* when a hot blogger takes a nude picture and dedicates it to me.

I'm challenging more of you to do the same (sorry - no dudes). Come on. Live a little. To view the picture in all it's beauty click the words: Ladybug Graveyard.

*Get it - touching? Touching like you're "touching" someone that's nude. get it.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Great Pick Up Lines For Getting Hot Chicks.

Look at these great pick up lines for picking up trim. Click here.

Which ones would work on you? Don't lie.

And did anyone ever hear a line or a great opener that you really thought was original?

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I Think May Have A Form of Tourette Syndrome. Who's Looking at Me?

I think I may have a form of Tourette Syndrome but instead of blurting out things, I sometimes can't stop sneaking a peak at someone.

It's usually in a public place. I love just watching people anyway so I'll take glances around. Sometimes though, if someone looks at me while I'm looking at them I'll have to look back in a bit to see if they're looking. And if they are, then I really can't stop because it then tortures me that they might be looking so I look again.

But it's not when you're looking at some chick at a bar and you're trying to pick her up. It's just this feeling that you have to look.

One time it happened in 10th grade and this Junior that was huge and was on the football team yelled across the cafe - "What the hell? You got a problem?"*

I just said, "No".

I think it just might be labeled as obsessive compulsive. Who knows?

Does anyone else do this? Am I crazy? If so, please tell me as delicately as you can so I don't get all emotional.

*Pretend that the cafeteria workers in the picture saw the incident and were just discussing it. "Did I see that dude yell at that other dude? Oh hell yeah, I saw the whole damn thing goin' down."

Monday, July 27, 2009

The First Time Getting Served. Wayside, Al Mantini's, New Haven Pizza.

I kind of feel bad for the 16 year olds trying to get beer these days. Other than stealing and getting your older sibling to get you beer, it's probably pretty tough.

Back in the day it was a lot easier. Two of the top places were Al Mantini's (corner of 100 and Boot Road) and New Haven Pizza in West Chester.

At New Haven Pizza, we'd pull up and have my friend Rich go in. He had fake ID.

He'd say, "I'll take two sixes of Gennesee Cream Ale, one Miller ponies, One Miller regular, two sixes of moose head, three sixes of Bud and one six of Mickey's?"

They'd say, "Pull around back". And we'd all drive our cars to the back where they'd load it in.

The first place I got served was at the Wayside Tavern on 322 in Downingtown. I went when I was 16. I wore this Irish suede cap because I thought it would make me look older. In a really confident deep voice I said, "How ya doin' Buddy. Let's see here. (a little drum tap on the bar)..How about two sixes of Moosehead? Yeah that should do it." I'd point to the six packs gun style with a shooting motion on "do it".

I started going in regularly and got more and more cocky, .."Yeah. I just moved into the Norwood House apartments. Not a bad place...some of the neighbors are a-holes. Like I'm worked the nightshift so I try to sleep during the day? Forget it." I think I might have even said that "Me and the Misses moved there"..but that might have been an after the fact story embellisment.

He was totally on to me but I think he was so embarrassed that he fell for it that he let me go in one more time. He asked, "Do you have any ID"

"Let me see here....I can't believe it. I think I left it in my office."

"Get the hell out of here!"

And that.. was the end of that.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Indian Reservation Paul Revere And The Raiders. 70's Classic.

I remember when I was going through my dad's records when I was younger. Mixed in with Jazz stuff I never heard of and Frank Sinatra records I also found a Paul Revere and the Raiders album. It was when they were cool but this song was on a later album.

Here's Indian Reservation. I used to listen to this one on 45.

Feel free to march around with a make shift hatchet while listening to it.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

This Video Is So Gay But You'll Laugh Out Loud. Bobby Lee.

This Bobby Lee video from MAD TV will have you cracking up.

Bruno did a similar thing on his new movie but whatever. It goes on a bit too long but I'll bet you'll be laughing.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Jesus Golfing? Oh Come On - He's Just Grinding. Look at that Expression.

Jesus: Now what you want to do Suzy is just swing the club like this....

Suzy: What's that thing pushing against me?

Jesus: Uh...that's a golf tool's called a...a divot. Yeah it's a divot.

Billy: A divot's not a golf tool Jesus. A divot is a ...

Jesus: Did I ask you to speak Billy? Do you want to go to hell? Be on your way. Now.. back to the grinding...I MEAN golfing lesson.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Do You Hate This Person Like I Do? Leave The Funny To The Pros.

It really bothers me when there's someone that's rarely funny but when they're in a meeting or in a public place where there's a bit of awkwardness to begin with, they say something that people laugh at.

The person is a bit surprised that they said something that people are laughing at so they proceed to sit up in their seat a bit, they're all smiles and they look back and forth and behind them to see who is laughing.

When they see someone laughing at what they said, they start to laugh a bit more and nod in attempt to get the person to keep laughing because they like this feeling. Some will even do the most pathetic move which is to repeat their lame punchline, then take a look around the room again.

Now. I ask that you the reader, act it out by saying this while doing the motions I mentioned above and you'll see what I mean,

"....and how is the UPS guy supposed to get in? Through the window???" (a bit af laughter in the room).

(Go through the motions now).

"...through the window? Should he go though the...(laughter is subsiding)...look at me..I'm climbing with boxes and I'm about to go through this window here.....(motion out the square shape of a window). Hey, let me get in this window..

See? Do you know what I'm talking about? I bet you hate that kind of person too.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Hysterical Star Wars Nerd Interviews With Triumph The Insult Dog.

This is just a great interview with Triumph the Insult Dog interviewing Star Trek nerds.

Brilliant stuff here:

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Dwarf On Bike - Partially True Story.

So I'm driving down the road the other week and do you know what I saw? Yup. A dwarf riding a bike.

Good guess!

I bet that when the dwarf went to the bike shop he walked to the counter and said, "Excuse me, I'll take your smallest bike and your largest helmet"

Then the crabby bike shop owner turned around and said, "Sir I don't have time for your Shenanigans.....Sir?... Sir? (he looks around).

"I'm down here."

"Oh my! I apologize, I thought someone was playing a joke on me..smallest bike AND largest head". The bike owner then takes out a tape measure and measures the height of the little fellow then the circumference of his enormous head. "You weren't kidding you little rascal. Let's get you fitted. And here's a lollipop for you."

This was the beginning of a great friendship.

OK. That part didn't happen but I really did see a dwarf riding a specially made bike down the road. No crazy clown horn or anything. I swear. Just a miniature sized bike. And since many of you know that I used to be friends with a dwarf it's perfectly OK for me to tell you this tale.

The end.

Monday, July 20, 2009

You Might Hate Me After Reading This. Devil Stuff.

OK. I know many of you have printed out pictures of That Blue Yak, hand drawn in features that you think look like me, then have made mini shrines in your homes for worship purposes.

But I've got a confession. I'm NOT perfect. Calm down, calm down. It's true.

Here's a story of something I did in high school that I'm not proud of. Many of you might think I'm a jerk because of some of the things I write, but to tell you the truth, if someone is getting picked on I'm usually the first to step in and tell them to knock it off. Of course if they're not in hearing distance, how can making fun of them hurt them? It can't. Right? I guess that's just my policy.

But like I said above, here's a case of something that I still do feel bad about. I'll write it the way that I told it to a few friends the day after it happened in 11th grade:

"'You're not going to believe what we did to Thompson last night. You know how he's scared to shit and gets spooked by any mention of horror movies or devil shit when we're wasted? "

"Well, we scared the shit out of him last night. I made this box and filled it with all this weird crap like hand written quotes from the bible about the devil - but I made them look like they were written by a serial killer. Then I put all these dried flowers in and other crap. And there was this weird devil thing I found and I made it into a necklace."

"So we're out with him, Flare and Kindle and we're wasted. So I pull over and say, 'I've got to show you something that's changed my life.' (And I've always been able to do a great possessed imitation)"

"So I say I was in the woods and I found it. And he opens it up and is like, 'What the fuck is this shit?'. He's totally buying it and he's starting to freak out a bit, 'What the fuck is this shit?'"

"So I pull out the necklace and that I have in my pocket and say, 'And there's also THIS! This discovery has changed my life. You've got to be a part of this."'

"So the two other guys in the car are in on the 'joke.' The one falls out of the car and pretends he's throwing up. The other dude - who speaks Hungarian starts talking in Hungarian.

"So Thompson is like, "GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!"'

"We drive him home and as we pull up he jumps out of the car and runs to his house. "

That was about it. I'm not proud of if but I was just thinking about it lately.

So is anyone going to take down their shrines?
(And for the record, he was starting to become a dick)

Picture From 1972 IS Very Curious. What Do YOU See?

So look at this random picture I found on the internets when I typed in "1972".

What do YOU see in this picture? What are YOUR questions?

Mine are these:

- I wonder if they're goofing on doing the monkey or if they're really having fun dancing?

- I bet the dude in the plaid pants just asked the guy putting the mike together if he needed any help. He's probably now going to ask him stupid questions as well as tell him how is cousin who's in a band has the exact same speakers.

- I bet the first thing said over the mike will be something religious.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Don't Lie. You Know You Want To Sing Along To This. ABBA.

Go ahead. Start singing and dancing along to this ABBA Song S.O.S.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Brady Bunch, Disco and Just All Around Sadness.

Here's another very hard to watch video. It's some Brady disco action from their variety special. And no talent Rick Dees is in it doing Disco Duck. Also making an appearance is the cast of What's Happenin'.

And check out my man Greg dancing with those afro chicks. What a fool.

What a mess.

Friday, July 17, 2009

YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS. Corey Feldman Singing and Dancing.

I remember seeing Corey Feldman doing his Michael Jackson style dancing years ago and it was very, very hard to watch.

I just watched this and actually turned a bit red because it's so embarrassing. You've go to watch this whole thing.

And look at the lady at 36 seconds in. Is she thinking, "Oh my God, what a Michael Jackson rip off." or "Oh my God, I can't believe how great he is."

Also, note the move at 1:44. What the fuck is this???? I'm cracking up just analyzing this crap. Jesus Christ!

And if you can't watch this at work, check it out when you get home.

Ron's Swap Shop On WCHE. You've Got To Hear This.

I mentioned Ron's Swap Shop (1520 AM) a few times in the past like here and here . If you don't live in Chester County, PA that's fine because you can listen to it streaming. The show is on between 10 and noon (Eastern Time), Monday - Friday.

I only have a minute to write this post but check it out and give it a few minutes. You'll be laughing your ass off. People basically call up to sell stuff and Ron types the info into his computer. And he tells the audience "Totally useless information" - as he calls it.

Let me know what you think.

To listen live, follow this link:

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Phoebe Cates And Story About This Dude That Got Caught Masturbating.

Did you now Phoebe Cates is 46 today? Where did the time go? Whenever I think of her I think of Fastimes at Ridgemont High when she was getting out of the pool. And Judge Reinhold was peaking out the window knocking out a batch by hand.

And whenever I think of that, it reminds me of a story that a friend of mine tells of when he was in college. I wasn't even there when this incident happened but I used to make him tell the story once in a while because it just cracks me up.

"So my roommate Rich used to live across the hall with that dude Mike. And Mike went to class one day..halfway there, he realizes he forgets his book. So he turns around and goes back to the room. He opens the door and Rich is standing there holding a playboy and whacking off. Rich is so completely startled and that he throws the magazine up in the air and screams,..."WHAT???"

Just the image of that cracks me the hell up.

So did you ever get busted or bust someone?

(If you want to see the trailer from Fastimes, click here - but keep your hands where I can see them you pervs)

Monday, July 13, 2009

Larry Mendte Does Understand How Important I Am. Philly TV.

So on Twitter I just followed Larry Mendte. He's a very famous Philly market newscaster.

And I get a Twitter response saying,:

"Thank you so much for following me:) Look forward to reading what you have to say."

So I'm think, yeah right. This is automated so I write.

"OK. Is this a message you wrote and you really want to hear what I say or is this automated? I'll wait for your response. "

and then he writes back:

"Unicorn collectors ARE real babies. I do want to hear what you say :)"

And he's referring to my unicorn Twitter or blog post. Either way, I was pretty impressed. He has no idea of the fame that I have in the blog world but he decided to reach out from his media to mine. And for that, I will give him credit. I will also place him in the "FRIENDS OF THAT BLUE YAK CIRCLE" and anytime he wants to bring me to lunch? I will accept.

I officially dub him an OK dude. Good luck Mr Larry Mendte and lets stay in touch.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

But I Don't Want Your Life..Or Do You...

The only thing you need to see today is my good blog friend Chris doing this

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Play Him Off Keyboard Cat and Chuck Norris.

So here's the Play Him Off Keyboard Cat in my favorite video - the one with Chuck Norris. I know you've all seen it but there is one person in the world who hasn't. My friend Glamour Boy. Here's his blog:

And for the record, when he say, "It's little visitor now.." I swear I want to slap him upside the head.


Friday, July 10, 2009

Play Off Keyboard Cat, After School Special and Helen Hunt.

The other day I prayed for a video that featured the Play Him Off Keyboard Cat, an After School Special and Hall and Oates.

Jesus must be real because:

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Unicorn Collectors Probably Are Real Babies. Torture Ideas.

I can't be certain but I bet that people that collect unicorn items can be made to cry easier than the general population. I think a great way to make them cry would be to slowly break off unicorn horns from their sculptures.

But you have to be subtle.

I would start with breaking one then waiting a week. Be patient.
Then, after you break a few more, start doing things with the horns. Like you might want to tape one of the horns to the groinage area. That will probably really freak them out because I bet that there's a legend saying that the unicorn horns are sacred. And if there is - you know they believe that legend.

What about laying one of the horns on the pillow next to them while they sleep like how they did with the horse in the Godfather? Yeah that's a good one too.
Oh I know. What about when they cry, you say, "Now now. It's OK, here's a tissue." Little do they know that you've taped a broken unicorn horn inside of the tissue. Can you imagine the hysterics that THAT will set off? I can.

What other ways can you think of to torture unicorn collectors? Go ahead - jot some ideas down on a piece of paper then pick the best and leave it in the comments area.

Good luck.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Eddie Murphy On Michael Jackson. Tito Get Me Some Tissue.

So here's the classic Eddie Murphy bit about Michael Jackson. I saw him in Upper Darby on this tour at the Tower Theater back in the day.

It was hysterical.

Tito get me some tissue. Jermaine stop teasing.

Turkey Hill Mascot Is Creepily Excellent. Downingtown Flanders Day.

So on the fourth I went to Downingtown's Good Neighbor Day. Or as I recently coined it, "Flanders Day".

It was pretty much a Hey Diddly Don't until I turned around and saw this guy coming round the bend:

It's the Turkey Hill Turkey. Look how craptacular it is!

He was sneaking up on some kid and he tapped the kid on the shoulder and I swear the kid almost shit his pants when he turned around. Seriously. Take a closer look...

...(Are you back?) And if you don't tell anyone I'll let you in on a little secret. (Shhhh). Do you see the neck on the Turkey Hill turkey? Look a bit closer. That's where I think the actor's eyes are.... Don't tell anyone though. Especially the kids.

Now this picture isn't mine but I do have a collection of crappy mascots on my computer. The crappier - the better. Maybe I'll share them with you someday.

And one more thing. Whenever those freaks approach me it kind of pisses me off because you're supposed to play along and pretend there's really not a person inside. I usually just start laughing because it's so weird.

And sometimes flee.

Monday, July 6, 2009

...And Then You Got This Guy.

Look at him go!

What do you think he said the second after the photo was shot?

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Happy Fourth of July. Love American Style. Getting Laid.

Here's wishing you all a happy 4th of July. I hope you all eat some great food, see some fireworks and get laid today.

And on that subject, look who was on this episode of Love American Style. Three cast members of Happy Days. Pretty weird.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Oh You Better Get the Party Started Bitches. West Goshen.

I'm about to leave for a cocktail party. I wish I had this song to blare on my phone when I walk in. It's just embarrassing for the hosts that I have to call ahead and have it played when I walk in.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

You're Not Going to Believe What I Wrote on June 22nd!

Here are some more Tweets that I wrote that crack me up. Which is your favorite? Enjoy your laughter because the last one is going to freak you the hell out.

CNN reporting that Billy Mays requested all people attending his funeral speak through bullhorns.Naaa.I just made that up

short dude walking down street looks like part regular person and part midgit. i shall call him a ridgit

Guess how many amusement park rides Karl Malden had in is front yard? Zero! I shit you not! AND he never owned a chimp. EVER!!

I hereby challenge Lil' Wayne to spell the word "retarded". If he can't spell it, my case will be closed

someone..once and for all...needs to do a scientific classification of skanks. if would make a great poster.

wonder if there's a guy named cornhole Carl? but he goes by Cc....until you get to know him...

tip for foreigners. don't say your lady lips look like lips of Jimmy Carter but this much classier.

a plastic glove just floated in front of my car. that has to be a sign.

HOLY SHIT! Look at that last one! I wrote that on June 22nd!! 3 days before Michael Jackson died. Don't believe me? Go check my Tweets. Holy crap, I'm getting the chills. Maybe I'm like Nostradamus!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Six Million Dollar Man Bionic Grip And Ass Kicking.

The only things wrong with this six million dollar man commercial back in the day are:

- The bionic grip was a total rip off of the Kung Fu Grip.
- The addresses of the two kids were never made available so I could kick their asses.

Either way - enjoy:

Dude in Wolf pelt/hat is totally kickass. You know you want it.

So yesterday a Twitter guy named @higgimonster sent me this great photo of this dude wearing this wolf hat.

You know you ladies want him and you dudes want to be him. Don't lie. It's not just the kickass wolf pelt. Look at the belt buckle and the necklace. He's got it all goin' on..

And wearing jeans to a lake? man's got some confidence!

What do you think is kickass about him?