Sunday, December 3, 2006

Angry Mob Storms Home and Kills White Trash Owners of Inflatable Lawn Decoration

Downingtown, PA

An angry mob stormed the home of Patty and Charles Neely and pummeled the couple to death in front of their large inflatable Christmas carousel Saturday night.

"I have absolutely no remorse in what I did" said mob leader Mike McGinley. "We've tolerated everything from hummingbird whirligigs to Grumpy and Dopey windsocks. Their philosophy has been 'the more crap we can put on our lawn the better' - When I saw that bastard blowing up this white trash beacon, I hit the roof."

Inflatable Christmas Carousel (actual photo of bloodied inflatable replaced by charming catalog picture)

According to consumer behaviorist Pam Danziger, the most enthusiastic seasonal decorators will spend $519 this year, up 9.5 percent from 2005. THAT BLUE YAK researchers were unable to obtain the white trash breakdown of those numbers. Add in the hundreds of holiday accoutrements that can be purchased at dollars stores - and you must ask, is a dollar figure really relevant?

"This event has brought the neighborhood together" said fellow mob member Tim Hardey. "What's next after you put a blow up carousel on your lawn. Jesus Christ! And what the hell motivates someone to do that? Have they ever looked at ANYTHING and said, 'No..this might be a bit too much' - I don't think it's ever crossed their minds. When Mike called me up and asked if I would be interested in joining the mob, I headed straight to my basement, grabbed my pitchfork and was ready to roll"

Further investigation reveal that the entire neighborhood has been stewing since the Neely's moved in 12 years ago. Wendy Hardey chimed in with her comments, "When they stepped out of the moving van you just knew. I week after they moved in, there was all this crap on their front yard - I counted 112 items - and these were non holiday items. After seeing their Halloween display, I knew Christmas was going to be taken to a new level. The Peanuts Nativity - with Snoopy baby Jesus. The plastic elf hats they actually put ON the heads of their lawn Buddhas - huh?. The 10' candy cane lights - four of them broken I may add. I mean - just look at it."

In a restraint not unlike Jesus, the neighbors decided against torching the house. Some say the they feared the stink of plastic would be nearly impossible to remove from their clothes. A tired Timmy Hardey however summed up the decision to leave the house unburned in his own way,

"Maybe the next people who move in won't be such losers"....Maybe Timmy. Maybe.
God Bless.

Saturday, December 2, 2006

Ron Howard's Brother Clint Voted Freakiest Dude by Memphis Based Self Esteem Club

Memphis, Tenn. Members of the Memphis based "Self Esteem Club" - gathered Tuesday to debate the features of Clint Howard - Ron Howard's brother and former Gentle Ben star. Dome shaped head or rodent-like teeth were the characteristics being discussed.

In a statement by founder John Gordan,

"Our Self Esteem Club has been helping Memphis area children feel good about themselves by discussing people that are different and disturbing. Our focus for the next few months will be on Clint Howard - DAMN IT is he a great choice... I mean, just look at that guy !"

The "At least you're not Clint Howard" opening day festivities included:
  1. "Let's Reeaaally Take a look at These Features" (lecture)
  2. "How anyone can 'be themselves' .....except Clint Howard" (lecture)
  3. "If I were Clint Howard I would Probably Walk Around Like This...." (improv session)
  4. "Just Look at Him" (meditation and personal reflection session)
  5. "Let's tell him How we Really Feel" (arts and crafts/postcard session)

"The community has really embraced this program - and the kids? ..Forget about it. Basic human nature will tell you that if you see someone else worse off than yourself and you can laugh at that person - you're going to feel better", said Gordan.

"When you see one of these kids, especially the screwed up ones throwing a beanbag at a huge picture of Clint Howard and hitting him square on his big assed dome head...and then the kid jumps for joy - you've made a change. It's a magical feeling."

Monday, November 20, 2006

Michael "Kramer" Richards spews racial slurs on stage - Jesse Jackson calls for comedy club reform

Michael Richards (ie. Seinfeld's Kramer) is in deep trouble with Jesse Jackson. The former Seinfeld star, after receiving heckles from a group of African American audience members while performing at a comedy club, fought back by hurling racial slurs at the group.

The incident, which took place on stage at a Hollywood comedy club, has infuriated the usually calm and keep-to-himself Jackson. My man has called for reform at all comedy clubs.

Among various rants, Jackson stated,

"This nonsensical explication was utterly injudicious. I'm stupefied by the admonition of this contemptible joke smith and seek downright atonement wid said cracker".

That Blue Yak interpreter/intern, Mike Delby analyzed Jackson's comments and believes he has made a bit of sense out of the ramblings,
"OK, I know he isn't happy about the comments...he thinks they are deplorable and stupid..he wants Kramer to apologize.....and something about a saltine..but I'm still working on that part."

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Clooney's "Sexiest Man Alive" Title Sparks Fury with Ohio Operations Manager

George Clooney's "Sexiest Man Alive" title may be in jeopardy once Ted Fulton's well written complaint letter arrives at the offices of PEOPLE MAGAZINE. Mr Fulton may be a Hollywood unknown, but in the world of operational managers in the packaging field in Ohio and parts of eastern Indiana, Mr Fulton is pretty popular.

George Clooney

Ted Fulton
3rd row, 9th from left

According to Fulton, "This People Sexiest Man Alive thing is rigged. It's more than a little odd that every year a celebrity wins. I've been submitting my photograph and qualifications for 16 years now - it's pretty obvious what's happening here. "

George and wife Maryanne are pretty confident that once their letter is received by PEOPLE, the Clooney decision will not only be overturned, but there will also be some major staff changes at the publication.

"I hate to be overly confident, but George has a real knack for getting results with his well crafted letters. I have to hand it to him, in 1972 he drafted a letter to Post Cereal about the need for a cereal that is corn AND oat based. About a year later, they come out with the Honeycombs cereal. Do you know the type of persuasiveness that's required to get a consumer giant like POST to launch a new product?"

While they wait for a response from PEOPLE, Fulton will continue to "do pec work" and practice his come hither stare in preparation for his upcoming photo shoot.

OJ illustrates what gloves would look like IF they fit

News yesterday of OJ Sampson's new book "If I Did It," which will detail how he would have killed his ex-wife and her friend IF he did it is gathering even more backlash today. Recently acquired photos from "That Blue Yak" illustrate what the gloves would look like IF they fit.

Simpson was quoted as saying

"I did not kill my wife or Ron Goldman but IF I did and IF I wore gloves and IF they fit..this is the nice, snug look that they would have. IF I had been instructed to make it appear that the gloves didn't fit in court, I probably would have slightly fanned out my fingers when trying them on - just like Johnnie (Cochran) and I would have rehearsed for hours."

"C'mon Juice - make some facial expressions like the gloves are constricting you - Johnnie probably would have said."

Lawyers for Regan Books have since released the following statement:

"Regan Books in no way takes responsibilities for the snug fit of Simpson's gloves and therefore proof that he is the murderer......but IF any parties are considering legal action against Regan Books, please note that the wearer of the gloves in the photo is clearly a white dude".

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Does this library LOOK like a rest stop?

Can you be any MORE obvious Mr Gay Guy? I just left the library and some gay dude was hanging out looking at me. LEARING. He was leaning up against the bookshelf and pretending to read - every so often he would "sneak a peak". I think the upside-down book was a clear give away.It takes about 3 -4 glances in these situations to confirm that the dude is checking you out - the only problem is that every glance makes him think you're askin' for it. I know I tend to be paranoid, but as I gathered my things I stopped into the bathroom and guess who followed me? You guessed it. I left the library and got into my car - he walked out and was obviously looking for me.

Did I accidently give the "Gay-OK" code:

1) glance
2) look down
3) glance
4) rub neck in what appears to be discomfort
5) look slightly behind the guy as if looking at something else and give the look of, "oh..there's that thing over there I was looking for"
6) glance
7) slightly tear-up

To all the dishelved, stalker type gay dudes that hang out at the Chester County Library -I'm not interested - go away. To all of the feminine, non threatening gay dudes that hang out at the Chester County Library - I'm still not interested, but feel free to approach me - I have many, many unanswered questions about Charles Nelson Reilly and Paul Lynde and would love to disuss their work over.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The Coolest Retard

Just who is the coolest retard? In every social circle, there is hierarchy. Just because the retarded are not the smartest bunch – and you could fool them into thinking “hierarchy” is a “silly cake that a funny clown eats” – doesn’t mean that there aren’t some “cool” retards. As a teen in the early eighties I worked at an audio store at a farmers market. One night while blasting Eric Clapton over the speakers, I noticed a young almond eyed lad approaching the store. He was drawn to the loud music in a most curious way. He was indeed excited – titillated if you will – by the music.

I knew something was different about this boy. The common retard gets excited over the most ridiculous things:

- the sighting of the B101 yellow jacket mascot at a super market opening (obvious to even three year olds by the screening over the mouth and the exposed zipper that ‘this ain’t no bee).
- The phase, “Got your nose”?
- Outstretched arms followed by, “Does anybody want a hug”?

In some way, old almond eyes was different – but why? As he approached the speakers, his funnel cake powdered fingers began to twitch. He was going for it. In a very subtle way, my man began to slowly air guitar – not full force mind ye’ – but ever so gently. He was actually showing in his eyes a feeling that he was cool. Now I’m no anthropologist, but I’m sure retards in their natural environment – the wild –would NEVER try to be cool. It made no sense. Was a witnessing an evolutionary leap?

I watched in awe as his large tongue pushed his lower lip to a protrusion not unlike a seventh grader in his early air guitar days….or an ape – the kind with the freaky colorful cauliflower type ass. What the hell was I witnessing? He looked at me – I looked at him. What was going through his brain? Especially the portion of his brain housed in that big noggin region shading his eyes?

He continued his tribute to Clapton. And finally, he was finished. As he walked away, he turned, and looked at me,

“See you later….Fonz” I said.

He looked away, then toward me again. Slowly lifting his hand – he gave me the thumb’s up and mumbled, “Keep on keepin’ on”.

I will my friend…I will.