Tuesday, November 30, 2010

How I Used To Torture People With Secret Santa. Brooke Shields.

Does anyone do the Secret Santa at work? We used to do it and I would love to torture people with it.

I would torture people because there were a few women in the department that would practically break into tears when their present would get stolen. As if they couldn't just go out and spend $15 on the bottle of wine that was just taken from them.

So every time a really good gift was revealed and one of the crybabies got it, we would pressure the next person to take it away, "Come on Jill. You HAVE to take that bottle of wine...Come on...do it! Do you know how good that wine is?..The next present could be junk!"

One year my gift was a little thing I liked to call,"Things From My Garage". It was a wrinkled, brown paper bag full of various things like nails, sandpaper, etc. Basically....things from my garage.

Most of the women were like, "Come on! You can’t do that! That's not fair!" But I'd say, "Sure it is, have you priced nails and sandpaper lately? They're very expensive. May I suggest re-gifting it to perhaps a brother or Uncle that is handy?"

At the end of everything I did reveal that there was cash hidden in at the bottom of the box. I forget if it was $40 or $50 but it was way more than the limit that was supposed to be used for gifts. You should have seen the look some of the faces. Oh the regret.

Another year, knowing that one woman in the department had an obsession with Brooke Shields, I put a few random things in the box including a book about Brooke Shields and I forged a signature. I even went online and copied the Brook Shields signature because the woman in the department actually owned things that had Brooke's autograph on it. But the funny thing is that she didn't know I knew about her obsession because she was embarrassed about it so it was supposed to be this big secret. But everyone knew.

So my present gets picked and the person is going through the random things and says, "A Brooke Shield's book? That's weird."

Everyone is kind of rolling their eyes and I say, "Look inside. It's autographed."

Well the Brooke Shields fan's eyes light up and she's like,"Can I see that?" But she's trying to play it cool. She looks at the autograph and it's obvious on her face that
"this thing is real!" Like shes an antiques roadshow expert or something. She looks around to play it cool in the way someone would flip through a book and
find $500 hidden in it. You know what Ann? It’s friggin’ Brooke Shields. Nobody cares.

Well she finally ends up with the Zibbs Potpouri box. All excited and shit. I did feel kind of bad so at the end of the whole thing I told her it was a fake autograph. You know, so she didn't try and get it valued and find out it was worthless. As if the real thing would be worth anything anyway. Right? Right?


Moooooog35 said...

Although this was amazing and awesome and you, sir, are my hero..the most surprising thing I found out during this post was:

There's a Brooke Shield's fan?!

sybil law said...

You and I, dude - we could take OVER that place!
Not sure the world would be ready for that, though.

diane said...

Torturing people at Christmas is a really Grinchy thing to do Jim. Take it from someone who has had their share of struggling, if you took my "cheapo" present and laughed at me for crying about it, I think I would have to punch you.

Trooper Thorn said...

"This one Christmas, for a prank, we drugged a guy and had permanent makeup tattooed on his face. Boy did we laugh that year."

Chemgeek said...

What a great idea. The forged signature thing, that is. I'm going to go home tonight and forge autographs in all of my books and pretend like they're all legit. I'm sure Dr. Suess signed a lot of books

Scope said...

Ah, the forced grab bag. A special kind of hell.

Chris said...

You are truly the evil genius of party gift exchanges. Nice!

Peggy said...

I can't wait to hear about this year's grab bag you big meanie!

Lorraine said...

I'd like to join in on all the laughter and pats on the back, buut I'm pretty sure I'd be the cryer.

Or wait, maybe I might just kick you in the shins. Either way. :)


Mrs. Hall said...

yeah I don't know. you can be mean sometimes. I give this post a big frowny face.

but that's just me.

JenJen said...

No woman worth her salt would have an answer to: "have you priced nails and sandpaper lately?"

Unknown said...

Ok, that's pretty funny. I mean, a little cruel with the Brooke Shields book. Never the less I would be standing in the office chuckling while watching the scene of excitement play out.