Wednesday, June 29, 2011

A Post About All The Girls From My Past. Chicks.

The other day I was thinking of something odd. What if you could gather every person you’ve ever hooked up with in one place? From people you’ve made out with to people you’ve…well…you know*.

I’m picturing for me I’ll need a large place**. You can use a VFW but for me I’m thinking a really nice place. Cause I’m classy like that. Hey, if you want to skimp and have a roast beef station and two drink tickets for each guest that’s fine. Go for it. For me though? Ima keep it classy. I’ll be wearing a tux too. Actually maybe just a really nice suit. Yeah, a suit should do it.

And here’s the thing: All the women would be the exact same age as when I hooked up with them. And wearing the clothes that they wore the first time I was with them. “Hey, there’s one with a Duran Duran shirt!”…”Ooohh. Loving the shoulder pads!”

And they would all have name tags that list their names as well as the place we met because to tell you the truth I don’t want to embarrass myself by saying, “Uh so how do I know you?” So for instance a name tag might say, “Maryanne – Phillies ball girl” or “Jane – Pub at Georgetown University” or “Amy – Ocean City Boardwalk.” You get the idea.

And it might be kind of weird because some of the “women” would be underage. But still. I would mingle around. Chit chatting. Aweing them with stories of the modern age, “Yes in 2011 we have computers. In our homes. And this thing? It’s a phone AND a computer!”

Then here’s the weird thing. Once the cocktail hour was over, (and I made a “thanks for coming” speech – peppered with amusing tales) a new group of women would come in the room. And these women would be the same women that I hooked up with but how they look NOW. And they would come in and stand next to their younger self. Oh yeah this is gonna be great.

I wonder which ones still look good and which ones would have let themselves go?*** Hmmmm…I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

OK. Now somebody make this happen.

I will now open this up to a question and answer session in the comments area.

**To make sure that everyone is there I would give the party planner the piece of paper I have hidden in my attic that lists all the women I ever hooked up with. I wrote it out years ago. I wrote it when I was drinking one night in case I ever get senile and I forget. Come to think of it, I forget where I stashed it up there.
*** I know one that let herself go. This chick we’ll call “CZ” that I was with for a few weeks in college. I swear if you saw her then you would shit. Sexy blond with a super hot, curvy 18 year old bod. Literally a 36-24-36. I know this because I asked her. Well about two years ago I searched her name and I found her. Sadly, she is now a whale. Easily over 220 pounds. Easy on the buffet CZ. Easy on the buffet.


Mrs. Hall said...

yeah, i don't know. iffn i had a meal with all my exs and people I made out with, I don't think it would go well.

in fact, I can pretty much gaurentee I would sucker punch dave park (who is not asian).

he was the last guy I dated before mr. Hall.


and my standards were so low, driving some douchebag around, paying for his meals and WEED while I was going to school to become a nurse and make something of myself.


THEN he dumps me??


ok, ok simmer simmer. he's getting the friggin rubbery e. coli laced chicken platter at my banquet of x's.

Mrs. Hall said...

that being said, even though I wouldn't be in the pile of x's at your banquet, i would still show up to meet the Barry Manilow girl! :)

Unknown said...

this is sick...but I like it. Mine would have to be in a very small coffee shop....I've blacked out half the shit I did..."back then"

Dr Zibbs said...

Mrs Hall - I LOVE that you remember the Manilow girl!!

Stacie - Haha

sybil law said...

I would loooove having all the dudes from my past in one room. I've actually come close. Once, while dating one guy, we were at my ex boyfriend's house for a party. Everyone was outside around a bonfire, and my then -boyfriend said, "You've slept with 5 guys here", and I thought for a second and said, "Nope - six", and he killed himself trying to figure out who the unknown was.
I'm still friends with all my exes. :)

Dr Zibbs said...

Sybil - Ha. You got aroooouuund.

Gage1 said...

hm. some of mine ended up being gay. At least there'd be dancing I guess.

Gage1 said...

oh and P.S. doesn't this sort of exist, i.e. Facebook?

CrotchPains said...

All of Zibb's ex's in one room might make a great movie:

"Animal Farm"

Yes I did....

Whiskeymarie said...

This? Is pretty much my worst nightmare.

I'd need a decent-sized hall (35-40, last count- I'd need assistance in tallying up the actual total), lots of booze, and a bodyguard. Hell, I see several of those guys on a regular basis now, and I want nothing to do with them. There's a reason they're exes.

Yup. Pretty much my worst nightmare.

Dr Zibbs said...

Damn you people get around.

krista zee said...

my current bf would kick a lot of arse if that was to happen t me.