You Mean You....An Old Lady Would Like MY Hair? Thanks!

I was talking to my friend @JennRuss on Twitter and I was asking her about her super curly hair and whether people insist on touching it. Of course she said they do. And sometimes they don't even ask. Strangers do this. I'm not surprised.

It's pretty rude if you think about it. I mean, I have like this really great ass* but people don't say, "Excuse me, but MAY I?" (then go in for a squeeze. Kneading it's glory with their fingers - pushing their palms into it - really...really geeettin' in there as if they were making bread. And the moaning? Please. Control yourselves)

OK. Back to the hair story. When I was between the ages of 5 and 14 my hair was really curly. And I'm not kidding when I say that at least 75 times in that period I would be out somewhere and something like this would happen:

Old Lady: (slowly approaches me with her other old lady friend) Oh my God!

Me: (starts to get embarrassed) Me?

Old Lady: Yes you. Your hair is so beautiful. Isn't it just precious Mildred?

Me: (tries not to act horrified)

Old Lady: (asks my mom) Is it real?

My Mom: Yes. Jimmy's hair is totally natural.

God was that shit embarrassing. And many of the old ladies would then say what was always the worst thing, "I wish I had YOUR hair!"

I just hated that. None of them ever asked to take my picture but I wouldn't have been surprised. Then they would have brought the picture into the beauty parlour and said, "I want my hair to look like THIS" - all crabby and whatnot while holding out the polaroid.

That's when I'm a proponent of the old hair dresser statement: "I'm a hair dresser lady not a magician". (Big ole fuckin' fight breaks out and Raul kicks the old lady out and bans her for life)

You tell em' Raul!

*So I've been told...through the random act of people squeezing it.

Mongolian Lady With Pants Down. Exton Produce Junction.

Were you guys at the Exton Produce Junction an hour ago like me?

And you saw that Mongolian Lady with her pants down?

No? Well here's what happened.

This old Mongolian lady in front of me in line was standing there getting ready to pay but her pants were completely down to the floor! Well, she did have a second pair of pant on but still.

She was about 75 years old and I was going to tell her but I was afraid she'd yell at me,

"I know they down! They are outer pants! You've disrespected my honor!"

Or she's say, "I do not understand."

Then I'd have to say, "Your pants are down to the ground. I'm afraid you will fall when you walk." (talking slowly and loudly and miming out the scene with the help of various vegetables that I'd grabbed). "You see, this eggplant is you..you're much thinner but..and this kale leaf is your pants..your second pair that are down...Now when you start to walk...."

But then there was the fear that she'd get pissed and start yelling at me. People would start looking. Someone at the back of the line would say to another, "I'm not sure what happened. It think that guy tried to pull that old lady's pants down or something. What else could it be?"

Instead I walked away. But I did wait at the back of the store to see what would happen when she turned to walk. In case she needed help after the fall. Or if there was an ideal moment to take a picture.

So she did turn around and try to walk and she was walking so slowly she didn't fall but she did realize that her pants were down. The look was one of, "I'm moving my feet in the regular way but my body isn't moving at the normal speed"*. So she just pulled her pants up and walked away. Looks like it was a normal occurrence for her.

*I'm a bit rusty on my Mongolian but I believe the phrase is "bid nij Tere suu"