"Don't Tell Me To Look At The Light": The Sneezing Story

Were you ever about to sneeze and you couldn't? Then someone said, "Look at the light". This annoys me so much that it sickens me! It annoys me with the white hot intensity of a thousands suns. Whenever someone does that, I do this:

- I make a mental note.

- Then, I discreetly leave the room and using a #2 pencil, I write a real note - based on the mental note to remind myself of the thing I have to do later. I put the folded note in my wallet or shoe.

- Then, when I get home, I pull the blinds and transfer the words from the note to a date on a "To Do" calendar that is exactly 5 years ahead. (It's a calendar that has pictures of old steam locomotives that an insurance company gave me but I had to re-number the dates to make them 5 years in the future).

- The words that go on the calendar say, "R.E.V.E.N.G.E." (with a picture of a skull with criss-cross knives behind it and snakes coming out of the eyes).

My feelings of rage are like..... "Holocaust angry" but worse. It's like if you barged open the gates of Auschwitz and as you entered - right there in the courtyard is the Alamo. But it's been burned to the ground. See what I mean? If you enjoy gum, you've heard of double the pleasure - this is like double the anger. You get it now don't you? It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Never forget!"

Back to my plan: In five years I'm gonna track that person down. Then, me and the 10 or so actors that I've trained will mingle around the person. We'll wait until they're about to sneeze. Just as the sneeze is about to go down, hundreds of really bright flood lights will go on. It will be almost a blinding light, the extras will all be screaming "Look at the light!!!! LOOK AT THE LIGHT!!!" - using their most horrific screams. Then using their dinner theater acting training they'll make their faces look all contorted and crazy scary.

That's when, using a simple pulley system, I'll cut the rope that's holding the sand filled sacks and it will make me rise, 25 feet in the air. And I'll be wearing....here it comes......the most evil Devil outfit ever made. From my concealed microphone I'll speak in a voice so deep and confident that it'll make James Earl Jones's voice sound like Hans Moleman. I'll yell, "LOOK AT THE LIIIIIGGGHHTTT!!...LOOK AT THE LIGHT!!"

Oh it's gonna be good.