Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Breaking News: Tallest Woman Will Take Interesting Questions To Grave


August 13, 2008
It's official Sandy Allen, the 7'7" Indiana giant is dead. What makes this especially difficult for me is that Sandy visited the Downingtown Farmer's Market around 1975 and I didn't get to meet her. Why? Because my parents sheltered me from the Downingtown Farmers Market until I was a teenager. My friend Craig however, whose parents probably didn't love him as much, let him go to gawk at Sandy Allen.
Can you just imagine how my life and probably the nation's future would have been different if I was able to view this special gentle giant lady in person ? - at a safe distance from her cage mind ye'.

I've imagined the day in my head many times. Instead of asking the stupid, "How's the weather up there?", I would asked unique questions like:

- "Did you ever meet the fattest twins? Do they have to put more air in their mini bike tires like every five minutes?"

- "Did you ever swat down a plane?"

- "Can you put your hands up like this?..Yup, that's what I thought."

- "Do you get a discount on each new addition of the Guinness Book of World Records? And can you believe that guy with the curly fingernails? "

- "Did Andre' the Giant ever send you flowers, but instead of flowers, he sent a bouquet of trees?"

The world will never know these answers. Good bye Sandy.

12 comments:

Falwless said...

Possibly funniest shit you've written all month.

Oh god.

My love for you only grows. Grows taller. Like Sandy-tall.

Dr Zibbs said...

I am good Falwless. But share in details which parts are brilliant. It may help some of the stupider readers. And help me feel good about my greatness.

enc said...

I don't think I'll be able to go on living if I don't get the answers to these questions.

Jon said...

Hey isn't that the little midget that Pedro Martinez brought to the 2004 World Series? I think it is.

ÄsK AliCë said...

Does she get a discount?? If so I'm totally doing something stupid to get in the boook so I can afford it for once.

Mo said...

Wait...my parents don't love me, but I never got to gawk at Sandy Allen. Do life's inequities ever end?!?!

Falwless said...

The whole damn thing was funny. Seriously. I can't even pick out a part. The whole damn thing.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

So who is the new tallest woman? Could we ask her these questions, or do we have to wait until after her initiation?

Dr Zibbs said...

Imaginary reviewer: We don't know the new tallest woman as some of the frauds try to wear hats or put their hair in buns. It's up to the judges at Guinness to decide. When you see smoke arising from their headquarters in the shape of a bent over, cripply woman - you'll know that there's a new tallest woman in the land.

180/360 said...

When I saw this story I thought "Now who could make a great blog post out of this?!" Congratulations!

Perhaps now you can aspire to meet the fattest twins.

Gwen said...

Were your parents lachanaphobics?

BeckEye said...

That's fantastic. I wonder why you weren't invited to do her eulogy? Or eugoogooly. Whatever.