Tuesday, August 19, 2008

PLEASE - I Need Some Vegetable Gardening Help - NOW!


I thought I had everything under control after deer proofing the THAT BLUE YAK GARDEN OF HOPE, but no. I think now I have to gay proof it. This morning, I found this zucchini positioned in the middle of the garden with the two cukes strategically placed to look a like a man's "member". Only I'm worried that it's a warning that "they're" after me? When I first saw this, a gay version of Children of the Corn went through my head and frankly, I was a bit frightened. Not of the gays, but that creepy Children of the Corn red-headed kid with the overbite - that freak always gave me the heebie jeebies.

Let me say, I'm fine with the gays, but I'm not really familiar with their ways. To be safe, the neighbor on the right of my house is away in Ocean City NJ so I broke into their garage and stole the pile of magazines they've been piling up (I grabbed a few PBR's while I was at it too). I then made a path from my garden to my other neighbor's house with alternating copies of People, Organized Living and Glamour Magazine - hoping to lure them into my neighbor's yard.

I'm not sure if it'll totally gay proof my garden but the guy at the Lowes in Downingtown said to try this first and if it doesn't work I could move up to seeds, snares, nets and traps but I'm gonna see how the magazines work first. He was very helpful.

13 comments:

Rider said...

Courtney Gains has appeared in my nightmares since CotC came out. Funny you should mention him, since I picture you looking and dressing like "Malachai." How close am I?

Dr Zibbs said...

Rider, when I read this I was thinking the only Malachai I know about is the Malachai Crunch (the crash up derby move on Happy Days from the Malachai Brothers). I'm ashamed to say I had to look up this reference AND "Courtney Gains". I honestly thought you accidently commented on the wrong post.
Well done sir.

Gwen said...

If you're trying to catch gays in that trap you might want to use Barbara Streisand cd's as bait instead of beers. Or k.d. lang, depending on the kind of gay you're trapping.

Falwless said...

Gwen's right. If this doesn't work try Barbra Streisand CDs or limited edition prints. Or, if unavailable, Cher, Bette Midler and/or Celine Dion will work.

Or Playgirl magazines.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Godspeed.

Daisy said...

HA HA HA! Very funny stuff. "Member only" gave me a good laugh. :D Good luck in catching who ever is lurking about your vegetable garden!

I followed your link over from LOTD. Thought I'd stop and say Hi.

Tony Spunk said...

How about some manpris in a pastel shade and the DVD collection of "Dancing With The Stars". I'd think those ought to do the trick. Maybe tie Clay Aiken to your fence post?

Jen said...

Once a garden goes GAY
there's no going back..

just sayin'

words words words said...

Why not take some of those PBRs and maybe some lawn tools and "straightify" your own yard to augment the gay baiting in the neighbor's yard.

I say you still have some time to fix this. You haven't yet woken up to find the head of Paul Lynde in your bed.

Ms Bos said...

I wish someone would make me one of them sweet dill-does! (get it?) I'd save a bunch over at the Smitten Kitten. . .

BeckEye said...

I used to be able to do a great demon voice when I was younger. I suppose in a gay version of "Children of the Corn," the line "He wants you too, Malachai" would take on a very different meaning. So...devoured by a hell-beast or anally raped by a gang of Devil-worshipping tweens? Which is worse?

Mathdude said...

I find it odd that the founding "member" of the Zibbs Tip Taps dancing gang is worried about gays in his garden.

stepping over the junk said...

the zucchini is too much, man.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Liza Minelli is a real gay magnet. It's a rough job but somebody's got to do it.

But what do you intend to do with them after you've caught them?