Wednesday, August 20, 2008

"Don't Tell Me To Look At The Light": The Sneezing Story



Were you ever about to sneeze and you couldn't? Then someone said, "Look at the light". This annoys me so much that it sickens me! It annoys me with the white hot intensity of a thousands suns. Whenever someone does that, I do this:
- I make a mental note.

- Then, I discreetly leave the room and using a #2 pencil, I write a real note - based on the mental note to remind myself of the thing I have to do later. I put the folded note in my wallet or shoe.

- Then, when I get home, I pull the blinds and transfer the words from the note to a date on a "To Do" calendar that is exactly 5 years ahead. (It's a calendar that has pictures of old steam locomotives that an insurance company gave me but I had to re-number the dates to make them 5 years in the future).

- The words that go on the calendar say, "R.E.V.E.N.G.E." (with a picture of a skull with criss-cross knives behind it and snakes coming out of the eyes).

My feelings of rage are like..... "Holocaust angry" but worse. It's like if you barged open the gates of Auschwitz and as you entered - right there in the courtyard is the Alamo. But it's been burned to the ground. See what I mean? If you enjoy gum, you've heard of double the pleasure - this is like double the anger. You get it now don't you? It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Never forget!"

Back to my plan: In five years I'm gonna track that person down. Then, me and the 10 or so actors that I've trained will mingle around the person. We'll wait until they're about to sneeze. Just as the sneeze is about to go down, hundreds of really bright flood lights will go on. It will be almost a blinding light, the extras will all be screaming "Look at the light!!!! LOOK AT THE LIGHT!!!" - using their most horrific screams. Then using their dinner theater acting training they'll make their faces look all contorted and crazy scary.
That's when, using a simple pulley system, I'll cut the rope that's holding the sand filled sacks and it will make me rise, 25 feet in the air. And I'll be wearing....here it comes......the most evil Devil outfit ever made. From my concealed microphone I'll speak in a voice so deep and confident that it'll make James Earl Jones's voice sound like Hans Moleman. I'll yell, "LOOK AT THE LIIIIIGGGHHTTT!!...LOOK AT THE LIGHT!!"
Oh it's gonna be good.

21 comments:

Ben said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

this is so maniacal, it hurts. But in a good way...

Gwen said...

For future posts, it's called "sneeze tease" when you need to sneeze and can't. But it can only be used for those sneezes that are so "right there" that your nose itches and your facial muscles are already contracting. Just FYI.

Also, I'm a little afraid of your Dance Troupe of R.E.V.E.N.G.E. Do they help you get even with anyone other offenders? Because I want to be certain to never do any of those things.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage.

mcglinch said...

where did you steal that pulley drawing? I know there's no way in hell that your 7th grade C5 earth science class ever taught you anything like that. Were you copying it out of that book you were hiding under your leg when I ran into you at the library last night?

Mo said...

Hahahahahhahahhahahahhaha. Oh lord. My sides hurt.

Another thing I hate in the pre-sneeze category--when you're about to sneeze, and someone keeps repeating, "Bless you. Bless you. You're about to sneeze, right? Well, bless you," and then my irritated, harassed little sneeze just skulks away angrily and I'm left with that weird itchy face/tingling spinal column feeling. Arghghghghh!!! Double rage!!

J Morgetron said...

The thing that annoys me is when someone pretends to try to scare me when I have hiccups.

I mean, if you are going to really help me get rid of them ACTUALLY SCARE ME. Don't just say, "Boo!" or mak a motion as though you're going to grab me.

People. Pahhh.

I like your future revenge calendar idea though.

YOU ARE JUST AS CRAZY AS ME AND I LOVE YOU FOR THAT THANK YOU JESUS! Actually you might even be crazier ... and for that I am even more grateful.

Falwless said...

I like the little details of the plan the best: the #2 pencil, the pulling the blinds when home, the steam locomotives on the calendar. You're nothing if not thorough, friend.

katrocket said...

I have never heard of this "look at the light" business before. Ever. I guess I lead a charmed life in that respect.

I don't wish to stoke your ire, Dr. Zibbs, but does it actually work? Also, I would like to audition for your future production.

Dr Zibbs said...

Gwen: you have some great expressions, "the sneeze tease" - nice.
MJenk: what the hell are you talking about?
McGlinch: I was Rip Taylor's house last night. That must have been someone else.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Expensive revenge, but totally worth it. Make sure to post the vid(s) on YouTube.

The Guv'ner said...

This "Look at the light" thing is a new one to me, but I feel your pain Dr. Z. On your behalf, I will bludgeon the next person who uses that phrase on me, which, seeing as how I've never heard of it, might be never.

My peeve is people who start sentences aimed at me with, "You should...." Should I? Since you're telling me I should, I won't, so smoke that.

My inner self is obviously 12.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Zibbs, google the line, if you really must know.

I was saying Boo-urns.

Daisy said...

I've never heard of telling someone to "look at the light" either. However, when I go out in bright sunlight suddenly, it does make me sneeze, so maybe you should give it a try. ;)

Now, I didn't actually say "look at the light," so I hope I didn't make you make a mental note about me. The evil plan you have hatched sounds quite scary.

NO, NO, Dr.Zibbs, put down the #2 pencil! I didn't mean it! I take it back. I'm sorry. It was all just a joke! Oh no, he's putting the note in his shoe! I'm doomed.

BeckEye said...

Um, but looking at the light actually works. What's your problem? Do you like to perpetually have that "gotta sneeze" feeling?

Amy said...

I think you could speed the plan along if you brought pepper. You know, instead of waiting for them to almost sneeze... make the almost sneeze happen.

Of course, I guess that is flawed because what if they really sneezed (sneezed? snoze?).

Oh well, thought I would help.

Letty Cruz said...

UGH, I'd wanna kill someone, too, for that. That's worse than watching one of those anal people who try to stifle their sneezes. I end up hoping they killed off their last three brain cells when they do that.

Letty Cruz said...

& LOVE your header paragraph :D

Mnmom said...

Well I'm glad you have a plan - most people fail because of poor planning.

I also have never heard the "look at the light" thing. Are you sure you aren't psychotic?

J. Hi said...

That was kind of sexy. I like the way you think.;)

Crotchpains said...

You'll screw this up--its too complicated a plan...for you. In the re-numbering of the steam train calendar, you will forget to allow for leap years and other calendar-related anomolies and you'll be off by about two weeks. So, you'll show up for your revenge two weeks early and realizing your error, have to rent a hotel to wait out the two weeks until the exact 5th anniversay of the original offense. Total estimated cost of this plan: $750 Cost of one Claritin: $1.00. You decide....

Falwless said...

Hahahaha, I'm laughing at crotchpains. No no, not the actual pains, the person claiming that as his name. Oh never mind.