Wednesday, October 13, 2010

My Phobia May Sound Retarded To You. Hugging.

Do you know what my phobia is?

Retarded people.

Not so much anymore, but when I was younger. And no, it wasn't their apelike strength that scared me. You see, as a lad I was very shy and I think my fear was that they would approach me and want to come up and hug me. Making a huge spectacle. And everyone would look at me.

Like I'd be at a mall or something and I'd hear a commotion. Then I'd round the corner and a retarded person (usually a mongoloid) would see me, stop in his tracks, and for some reason want to hug me. He would then start walking through the crowd, pushing people out of the way and clapping and saying something like, "Mikey! Mikey!" he confused me for someone named Mikey.

People would be watching him approach. Some pulling their children in closer. I'd be paralyzed with fear and then...the hugging would begin. And he would be petting my hair, "Wemember dat time that we went da fair? Do you wemember dat Mikey? Do you? ..What's wong Mikey?"

And I'd just stand there, pretending it wasn't happening as people watched.

"What's going on over there?"

"I don't know. From the looks of it some retarded character just found his friend Mikey."

Something like that.


Prunella Jones said...

I used to ride a public bus that stopped by a coffin factory that employed a lot of retarded people. I didn't mind them except that when they sat next to me they sat REALLY close and I'd have to have the following conversation. (And it was almost always exactly the same.)

"Hi! Are you my friend?"

"Sure, I'm your friend."


Me, nodding uncomfortably because bad breath was being blasted in my face.

"Wanna come to my house, friend? You can come!"

"Oh thanks, but I'm on my way to school right now."

"Okay, but we're friends, right?"

"Sure we are."


Then I'd feel bad because they were so sweet, like little kids, but at the same time they smelled awful and were really invading my personal space.

Acck, it was a relief when I was finally able to afford a car.

Gage1 said...

we had retarded kids in our grade seven drama class and the boys used to get this one guy (who as I remember it, was massively tall and bore a vague resemblance to Frankenstein) to chase us after class. He would tell the guy we wanted to kiss him and he should go get us. There was a lot of sexual harassment that passed for playing around back then now that I think about it...

Nightmarish. Funny thing? I'm pretty sure HIS name was Mike.

Verdant Earl said...

I'm a retard magnet. That's how I met Slyde.

sybil law said...

And hahahaha again for B.E. Earl!

You might've liked this retarded girl who went to my school. I always felt sorry for her, so in 5th grade, one day I said hi to her.
She told me to "fuck off" and didn't break her stride.
Good times.

Chemgeek said...

I've always been most annoyed with the retarded kids who thought they were bad asses. When in reality, they were just normal WWF fans.

Thomas Pluck said...

I had a mentally disabled kid hug me in a mall just a few months ago. I think it's because I look like a gigantic muppet with my hair and beard.
I got no problem with them, I was friends with one in grade school until the teachers made me shun him like I was supposed to. Not kidding.

diane said...

The only thing that could have made that dream worse would have been if he was gay too.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

yeah, I get that.
Sorry, but I do.

Dr Zibbs said...

Yeah. Good one BE Earl.

Tasha said...

You are such a goofball. I see your damn blue yak picture everywhere I go! Blue yak? And you want to talk retarded?

Um Yeah.

Dr Zibbs said...

Tasha - I am retarded. It's true.

Anonymous said...

Hell is waiting.

Unknown said...

How did I miss this post? I was once at an Ohio State event and saw a 'special' individual who gave me a hug and said, "Go Bucks"...I was impressed he was a fan...You are funny...

Anonymous said...

Anyone who makes fun of someone who is handicapped has more problems than them. I love handicapped people, especially down syndrome. They are very loveable, and never see the bad in others. I think they are God's gift to the world, it it ironic that he made them like this, because they show the world how to love unconditionally.

They are better than their critics. Why does people have to be so cruel. You should thank God everyday that this didn't happen to you, or you would be the one hugging strangers, instead of the one receiving the loving hug.

God Bless all the "real stupid People" who make stupid comments on here.

Dr Zibbs said...

Anonymous - You "LOVE handicapped people" and "They're Loveable?" I think you are thinking that they're like animals to be caged in a zoo.

I on the other hand know that these rascals are human at least.

And don't forget what John 12:13 says about retarded people. Remember that miss churchy?

Mr. Condescending said...

I googled the bible verse and don't understand it but your comeback to anonymous was hilarious!

Dominica said...

some people here are taking themselves too serious !! OMG !

And don't you tell us how we need to act towards 'reaterded, handicapped or whatever people' Mr or Mrs Chruchy indeed ! (at least have the balls to comment in person)

My son is in a special school too and you know what ?
We don't take ourselves too serious, act and behave normal and joke around and make fun of ourselves too ! Humour is an act of intelligence ; you're E.Q. has an easy button and we pressed it !

We all love you Zibbs !!

Dr Zibbs said...

Mr Condescending - I just made that verse up. (Just like they made the whole bible up)

Dominica - you tell her!

Chelle said...

Aww! I love huggable retarded people. I can't get to sleep without mine.

Chelle said...

I set up a retarded people sentry at the foot of my bed to ward of witches and serial killers.

word verification- irubblu

"I rubblu an I wanna hug"

Using the word, "retard" is wrong.