My Phobia May Sound Retarded To You. Hugging.

Do you know what my phobia is?

Retarded people.

Not so much anymore, but when I was younger. And no, it wasn't their apelike strength that scared me. You see, as a lad I was very shy and I think my fear was that they would approach me and want to come up and hug me. Making a huge spectacle. And everyone would look at me.

Like I'd be at a mall or something and I'd hear a commotion. Then I'd round the corner and a retarded person (usually a mongoloid) would see me, stop in his tracks, and for some reason want to hug me. He would then start walking through the crowd, pushing people out of the way and clapping and saying something like, "Mikey! Mikey!"...like he confused me for someone named Mikey.

People would be watching him approach. Some pulling their children in closer. I'd be paralyzed with fear and then...the hugging would begin. And he would be petting my hair, "Wemember dat time that we went da fair? Do you wemember dat Mikey? Do you? ..What's wong Mikey?"

And I'd just stand there, pretending it wasn't happening as people watched.

"What's going on over there?"

"I don't know. From the looks of it some retarded character just found his friend Mikey."

Something like that.

Mini Apes, Glazed Donuts, Nether Regions and Tweets.

So here are a few recent Tweets that I wrote for Twitter. Man. This blogging is getting easier and easier. All I had to do was cut and paste the info from Twitter to here.

I might have some of my best tweets embroidered onto pillows. Just so it's not too gay I'll man things up by filling the pillows with rocks

I cringe when I hear people telling fat girls"You have such a pretty face". I prefer "You're like a fire plug with a cute little cap"

if i ever get an ostrich w rabies I'll call him pecky. then when he attacks people I'll be like..i warned you

I wish I had a friend that looked like a mini ape AND had a sense of humor so I when I saw people I could say, "Hey. Look at my mini ape!"

You may find the question, "How about I make your face look like a glazed donut?" funny but your wife will just shake her head.

wonders if a movie about a woman who blogs about trying every house cleaning technique from a cleaning book would inspire wives 2 clean

rap title: if i look down and don't see a legion I'll be touchin your nether region.

wow. when i sing in that Jim nabors style i sound pretty good.

I'm gonna name my next dog help. how great will it be when I'm calling him and everyone thinks I'm in danger?

Which is YOUR favorite. Mine is the one about the mini ape.