Jimi Hendrix. Exton Sam Goody. Putting On The Gorilla Suit

My Dad is the type of guy that doesn’t take shit from anyone. Like if you’re standing in a long line at a store and there’s only one register open, and everyone is looking at each other like, “this is ridiculous”… he’s the type that walks to the front of the line and says, “Excuse me. But I’ve standing in line for five minutes. I’m going to need you to stop what you’re doing, call your manager and get another person on a register.”

And everyone is all, "I wish I had the balls to do that." Or if someone butts in line? Yeah right buddy. My Dad is the one that will tell you to get to the back.

So flashback to when my brother was in 5th grade. My brother buys a Jimi Hendrix book. So my Dad is flipping through the book and sees a plaster cast of Jimi Hendrix’s junk in it. He’s like, “What the hell is this? You’re not going to have this book!” To my brother. “You’re going to bring it back.”

“But I don’t have a receipt.”

“Then I’LL bring it back!

“Dad, they won’t take it back without a receipt.”

“Oh they’ll take it back alright.”. My Dad takes the book and drives to the record store. Sam Goody I believe it was. Exton Mall.

Dad gets into the store and says to cashier, “I’d like to return this book but I don’t have a receipt.”

“Sorry sir, I can’t exchange it if you don’t have a receipt.” The lady says.

“Do you have kids?”

“Uh..yes?”

“Well let me ask you this: turn to page 112. Would you want your 5th grader looking at that?

The woman looks at the picture, turns beat red and opens the register.

Mission accomplished.

*Author's note: This is what my Dad called, "Putting on the gorilla suit ."

The Time I Faked Going To The Math Teacher Before School. Stupid.

I always hated math and was always terrible at math.

To be honest, I can't even add numbers in my head. Like if you asked, "What's 49 plus 137?" it would take be a while to figure it out without using pencil and paper or my fingers.

Does this mean I'm dumb? Probably...nobody really knows.

My son is taking calculus and I was telling him that if I was given a year to learn it and pass the class with at least a B and was to be rewarded $10,000 I really don't think I could do it.

I have math on my mind because the other day I was thinking about the time I was getting a D in math so my parents told me I had to go in early to school for a few weeks and get extra help from the math teacher.

So for weeks, my Dad drove me into school. I think it was 9th grade. The only problem is that I hated the teacher so much that I never - not once - went to him for help.

Well one day on the ride in my Dad says, "I'm going to come in today and talk to the math teacher and see how you're making out."

I was all, "No. You don't want to do that. He's always in a hurry and everything..."

"Well he'll have to make time. I want to talk to him."

So I sat there knowing that I had to tell my Dad I hadn't been going in after weeks of him changing his schedule to drive me there. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. So I kept saying, "Umm. I gotta...umm...the thing is...."

When we finally got to the school and parked I told him. And he exploded on me! "Are you kidding?? I've been driving you to school all this time and you never went in?" It's probably in the top five of the most pissed I ever saw him get.

To tell you the truth I forget if I was grounded or not or if they made me really go in and meet him in the mornings after that. I think I blocked it out.

Cashiers Need Better Training You Slow Pokes! Wawa.

I usually get a USAToday at Wawa. Mostly for the Sudoku. And if I get Theresa the cashier, this is what happens:

- She turns the paper around.
- She looks at the headlines.
- I hold my money out.
- She finally takes my money but continues to read the headlines.
- She then put the money in the register.
- She slowly hand me the paper.

And it drive me crazy! And it's not even like she comments on a story to make conversation. She just wants read the paper.

Of course I don't have the balls to say anything to her. I wish I were my Dad sometimes because in a second he would say,

"OK listen, I come in here everyday to get a paper, and I'm in a hurry but you have to scan the headlines. I'm really going to have ask you to do that on YOUR time. Not mine. Now if it happens again I'm going to have to talk to your manager. Are we clear on this?... Are we clear on this? OK. Have a good day."

My Dad Would Not Put Up With This 1972 Peter Pan Peanut Butter Nonsense

Here's what would have happened if the Peter Pan Peanut Butter "Man" came through our window in 1972 if my Dad got wind of it*. First watch the commercial:



(my dad walking into the kitchen)

Dad: What the hell is going on?!!

Peter Pan: (all flamboyant and excited) Peter Pan is the peanut butter eaters peanut....

Dad: Hit the breaks! Time out! What the hell are you doing in my kitchen?

Mom: Jim, he wants to know if we're the peanut butter...

Dad: Sally I'll handle this! (pins Peter Pan against the wall. Pan's hat falls to the floor. Eyes are watery. He's terrified) I'm not going to to ask you this again. What the hell are you doing in my kitchen?

Peter Pan: ..uh..uh...(gulps) I bring the peanut beaters butter eater....

Dad: Listen Tinkerbell, get the marbles out of your mouth and.....

(Peter Pan faints)

Mom: Jim you killed him!

Dad: Sally, I didn't touch him! That's it. Get me the number of West Whiteland Township. I don't pay taxes to have a Peanut Butter man coming in my window......

And it goes on from there.....

*If anyone wants to fund this and make it into a play, please contact me privately.

Real Story About My Dad And Nirvana

So I just heard Nirvana and was thinking about this real life conversation that happened with my Dad years ago.

Me: Dad did you hear about Kurt Cobain from that group Nirvana? He killed himself?

Dad: (Shocked) What?? Oh my God. What happened?

Me: He shot himself.

Dad: Oh my God. I was just watching a concert of his the other day on TV and was thinking how great he was.

Me: (Shocked) You were?

Dad: Yeah. As a matter of fact, I told your mother that the next time he comes to town we should go see him.

Me: (even more shocked) Nirvana?!

Dad: Yeah. He was great! You don't think he's good?

Me: ..Uh..No. I do ........ they're great. I just can't believe you like Nirvana. So you would have seen them in concert?!

Dad: Oh yeah. It was great. I was watching the concert and couldn't take my eyes off of it...with the symbols over here..and he's got the string instruments over here..and he's orchestrating the thing like...

Me: Dad. Was the concert on PBS and did the guy have long black hair?

Dad: Yeah.

Me: Are you talking about Yanni?

Dad: Yeah. Yanni.

From that day on, we've referred to Yanni as NirYanni.

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And now a shout out to my new followers that are helping me reach my goal of 100 followers. Check out their blogs. You'll probably find something you like.

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Last Minute Father's Day Gift for BBQ Dad

If you've waited this long to get you Dad a Father's Day gift you are a dope. But you still need to get him something. How about this cool condiment gun? Imagine how cool it will be to fill this revolver with BBQ sauce, mustard or ketchup? Nice. Just print this page out and fold it like a card and write, "I.O.U. one condiment gun". Click here for order info and additional cool pics: Condiment gun.