Welcome Home JellyBean And Terrible Acting. Elevator Issues.

Kristen this is for you (he says in the style of the Nanny when she's yelling to Damien in the Omen right before she jumps off the roof).

OK. Here is a clip from the movie Welcome Home JellyBean. I was telling Kristen about it the other day. It's a movie from the 80's about a retarded girl. The retarded gal is played by the girl that was the daughter in the second National Lampoon Vacation movie. She's dead now so don't even try making fun of her.

And the acting is TERRIBLE. It's an insult to retarded people AND elevators. There's no need to watch the clip after the elevator scene but what is going on in there? (Besides the bad acting). Look at the panic that happens when the emergency button is pressed. What's up wid that Holmes?

Farting and Why I'm Such a Great Friend. The Elevator Story.

So Michelle wrote about farting in elevators today and it reminded me of something that happened years ago in Baltimore.

So we're staying at Inner Harbor with about 10 guys for our annual guys weekend. And my friend Flare had been farting* really bad. I'm talking clear the room, what crawled up you ass and died farting.

So the 10 of us are waiting for the elevator. He had just farted in the room - again - and we're still laughing about it. So the elevator door opens and it's almost completely full. Flare steps in and there's only room for one. The doors start to close. As the doors are almost shut and I point to Flare and say to the people in the elevator, "HE FARTED."

This made me laugh so hard because when the doors are shut, you can't turn around to the strangers in the elevator and say, "You see that's a buddy of mine, we're on a guy's weekend and we're just joking around here and........"

No. You just have to stand there like a dope and take the humiliation.

*For the record, this is the first post I've ever done about farting and I've been blogging over two years.

Elevators,Old People,The Retarded, Butt Stuff And More

So, I was reading the blog of Fonzie Sox and she had a link to this hysterical elevator story on the blog of one Chachi Sox. To view it, click here.

And to read a post about my trip in an elevator with a very special young man, check out this classic by clicking here. (Note that some think this may be my funniest post. Others think it's my most retarded. You be the judge).

And check out this photo that H put on her blog It's Always Darkest Before I Open My Eyes . These things are finger condoms. She claims to have found them at "work". Rrrrright. And it's a "friend" that explores butts with them. Yeah IIIIII see.


And for don't forget to plan your weekend around me because as usual, I'll have a few posts up. Be part of this exclusive weekend club of winners!

Who's The Birthday Boy That Looks Taller On August 26?...

It's August 26. Do you know who's birthday it is? Ernest Borgnine? Nope - guess again. Ramesses II? Not even close. Do you give up? OK I'll tell you. Chris Burke was born today. I know....... you can't MAKE this stuff up but it's true. He was the young lad that played the retarded fellow in the show Life Goes On. It's one of those shows like I Dream of Genie or the Munsters, that once you buy into the concept, you're hooked. Imagine. A retarded person, walking around. Uncaged. Strolling through town and bouncing a ball with one hand. I wish I were a fly on the wall when that show was being pitched.

According to Wikipedia Britannica, after graduating high school, Chris got a job as an elevator operator. I shit you not. Could you imagine? You're done your exhausting day, your boss was yelling at you, it's hot as hell and the elevator door opens. You step in.

Chris: Hi Dr. Zibbs same number floor as everyday or do you want me to push another number today?

Zibbs: (stone faced) No Chris. Same floor. Ground.

Chris: That's the "G". It's all numbers then it goes "G" for ground "B" for basement.

Zibbs: Yup.

Chris: (cleverly discovering concept on his own) I wish they had a "D" for Disneyland. Do YOU wish they had a "D" for Disneyland?

Zibbs: (half listening) Yup.

Chris: I asked Miss Kathy if I could write the "D" on the elevators' buttons but she said it's graffiti. But if I could, then we could go to Disneyland. Right Dr. Zibbs?

Zibbs: (starting to steam) Yeah Chris.

Chris: What rides would we go on if there was a "D" and we hit it?

Zibbs: Uhh. Ground.

Chris: No that's not a ride.

Zibbs: (patience lost) No that is a ride Chris.

Chris: Then it must be a new one because I was there one time. Is the ground ride near the Magic Kingdom or the Epcot Center or the Sea World?

Zibbs: It's in a whole new area of the park, I forget the name of it but why don't you use this elevator phone and dial "M". It's a direct hot line to Mickey. You can ask him.

Chris: Because Miss Kathy said to only use that phone if there's a fire.

Zibbs: No. I just saw her. She said she wanted me to tell you to call Mickey...And that there's a fire.

Chris: She did? OK.

Now this is where it gets complicated because you have two options, turn around and mouth the voice of Mickey as he talks OR have a friend rig up the phone so the friend can talk from a hidden room as Mickey. It's a tough call. With faking the voice while turning around, he's probably going to know it's you. If you rig the phone, you've got to buy all that radio shack shit and get into all of the zoning and safety issues.... Who knows, he may be of legal age but in retarded years he's not - so depending on what state you're in you need the parental permission forms....

Forget it. If you want to waste your day doing this, I'll give you the idea. For free. Run with it. While you work through those complicated logistics. I'm going to spend my valuable Chris Burke birthday time calling him up and pretending I'm a monster.